For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that
very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that
the rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation
* problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#ifndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===
....and so on.
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
LSD(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual LSD(1)
NAME
lsd - turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream
SYNOPSIS
lsd [ -dsS ] brandname user ...
DESCRIPTION
Disturbs the given users according to dosage, set, and setting.
If more than one user is specified, each will be affected by the
others, according to the arguments they give to lsd on their
own terminals or machines. It is recommended that one of the users
in a group specify a dose of 0, and that at least one other user be
experienced in using lsd.
Brandname is usually a blotter pattern, but may be used to specify
a non-blotter form, such as "windowpane" or "pyramid."
There are a number of options, each of which can have a strange and
not completely predictable effect on the users:
-d Dosage. A dosage of 1 to 3 is recommended for first time
users, although strength varies with brandname and storage
conditions.
-s Set. Recommended values are "calm," "happy," and "groovy."
Sets like "angry," "frustrated," and "bummed" may cause file
system damage, and should be avoided. For these sets, other
utilities are available (see "valium").
-S Setting. Recommended are "familiar," "interesting," and
"comfortable." Hostile and challenging settings are reserved
for experienced users.
FILES
/etc/trips is a log of system-wide use of lsd since booting.
BUGS
When invoked with incorrect arguments, lsd will print out a random,
Unixy-sounding error message and remove this man page. This policy
prevents misuse by undergraduates and fundamentalist Christians.
User state should return to normal in twelve hours or less after
invoking lsd. With extreme parameters, however, this cannot always
be guaranteed.
The output device is assumed to be 80 columns wide.
I don't know where it came from originally, so Please Use Carefully!
(Remember: Dosage, Set, and SETENV)
Seven companies added to "Watch List"
New York, ________ -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software
(PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been
added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly
practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that
companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola,
spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these
products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo
lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or
days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software
by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they
often joke about "torturing' the software.
It is no joke, said Granola. Innocent programs, from the day they
are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and crashed for hours on
end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained
computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they are not needed
anymore.
Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
infested with bugs.
We know alternatives to this horror exist, he said, citing
industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become
extremely successful without resorting to software testing.
The Cat In The Hat's Technical Advice
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
Another game, sir!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeated rejected by the printer down the hall!
And your screen is all distorted by the side-effects of gause,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- - Author and origin unknown.
- - Found in the June 1995 issue of The SPARC.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poem: "Twas the Night Before Implementation" Twas the night before implementation and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers hung by their tubes in despair, with hopes that a miracle would soon be there. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of inquires danced in their heads. When out in the computer room there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a super programmer with a six-pack of beer. His resume glowed with experience so rare, he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, and he cursed and muttered and called them by name. On update! On add! On inquiry! On delete! On batch jobs! On closing! On fuctions complete! His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean, from weekends and nights in front of the screen. A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk. And laying his fingers upon the "ENTER" key, the system came up and worked pefectly. The updates updated, the deletes they deleted, the inquires inquired, and closings completed. He tested each whistle, and tested each bell, with nary an abend, and all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded, the users' last changes were even included. And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, "It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!" (God bless our users, bless them every one!) Author Unknown
Subject: Bo N. Head's Computer Dictionary
ANSI : What that feller from Neww York City gets when his computer
don't work
ASCII : When you got lotsa questions
Cache : Wha they doesh adda basheball game
C++ : What the valedictorian at Bonehead U. got
Directory : The feller at the gas station when yer lost
Ethernet : What you dope a butterfly with
File Server : One who bakes cakes for prisoners
Floppy Disk : Denny's Grand-Slam pancake
Hard Drive : a) The LA freeway
b) Any post-Grand-Slam commute
Kilobyte : Piranha teeth
Macro : Used in expression of amazement ("Holy Macro!")
Megabyte : Lotsa piranha teeth
Memory : Uuhhh . . . I forgot
Microsoft : Tiny roll of toilet paper
UNIX : Itsa U basketball team from Nu Yoork
Upgrade : Finally getting past kidney-garden
Windows Application : a) Squeegee and Windex
b) Annoying panhandler with same
Word Perfect : One of them fussy grammar teachers
World Wide Web : Home of the giant tarantula of 50's horror fame
[For the occassional hermit out there without a mail drop, America Online
has been distributing "10 Hours Free" disks like crazy. They come with
magazines, they come by themselves, they are attached to trade journals
etc. I have about ten of them now. I have never expressed an interest
in AOL but these disks keep mounting up.]
Things to do about all of your AOL disks.
1. Collect two solar masses worth and detonate the sun. [copied from
a signature seen on the net.]
2. Activate each account with a different cartoon character name like
Bullwinkle, Barney Rubble, Tasmanian Devil, etc. See if you run out
of names before you run out of disks.
3. Activate the disks one at a time. For each disk you activate, download
enough files to fill up the reformatted activation disk. Don't stop
until you have downloaded all data AOL has to offer. Use remaining
unactivated disks for backup of downloaded data.
4. Get 1000 people to all activate all of their disks at the same time.
Monitor trade journals to see which disk storage manufacturer gets
AOL's order for new multi-terabyte drive to hold subscriber
data base.
5. Tile your bathroom with your collection. Submit picture of bathroom
to GQ (Geek Quarterly) magazine.
6. Donate disks to charity. Tell IRS that each disk contains $10 worth
of software. Use resulting deductions to buy Lichtenstein.
7. Call the FBI and tell them that these disks are made from refined uranium
and homes across the country will begin exploding as soon as they
reach critical mass.
8. Activate all of your disk simultaneously using different ids. Making
effective use of mail forwarding and distrubtion lists, bring AOL to
a screeching halt by creating, sending, forwarding and reforwarding
the following message among the various account: "Stop sending
these f*****g disks."
9. Erase all disks, put new labels on them and resell them as new. Retire
at age 43.
10. Start pyramid scheme with chain letter that tells recipient to
mail 1 disk to each of the five people listed in the letter and
to send the letter to five more people.
SOFTWARE LICENCE AGREEMENT
* Important: This is important. It cost us a heap of cash to have it
written, and you'd better read it, or else. Read it right now too,
arsehole, or you'll be sorry. Especially DON'T just rip the flap
open without paying any attention to this very important message.
We'll know if you do! You'll grow warts.
* Licence: This Licence Agreement has capital letters, and is effective
upon your removal or breaking of the disclaimer seal on the Program
Diskettes, or a fingernail, whichever is earlier. It shall continue
until terminated, as indicated by it's placement in a receptacle
considered by at least one party to be a waste disposal container.
* Agreement: You acknowledge and agree that we have far too many lawyers,
and that you will not consider, perform or aid actions that grant any
lawyers purpose in their existance.
* Licence Fees: The licence fees unpaid by you are in consideration of
your continued solvency. But it doesn't matter, because soon we'll
know what you have, and just deduct the fees from your bank account.
Please run the included easy to use networking software and log onto
our server for further details. The first thiry minutes are free.
* Copyright: This software is ours, all ours. You just paid hundreds
of dollars for the blank diskettes and this excellent paper bag.
You agree to think yourself lucky that we'll generously let you make
one backup copy, and actually run our precious code on your lousy
computer. There are no bugs in this perfect code, so don't pester
us with your stupid misunderstandings and pathetic complaints.
* Costs of Litigation. These are to be taken as an indication of the
extreme folly of all parties' overdependence on legal contrivances.
* Government Licencee: Hi Senator. Don't forget who helped you out.
Any other problems, just call us.
* Language Software: If this is one of our language products (how should
we know) then you agree to have our copyright message plastered all
through your object code. Don't expect us to tell you how to avoid this.
* Additional Restrictions: See all those uniformed thugs over there?
Good. So don't get any funny ideas now. You don't want to make us
angry, do you? See you next upgrade.
* Limited Liability: This software is provided "as is", whatever that is.
You understand it's very complicated, far beyond your comprehension,
so how should we know what will happen when you use it wrong.
There may even be some risk involved, but that's your problem.
Why, even we have trouble with it on bad days.
* Governing Law: This License Agreement shall be construed and governed
in accordance with the laws of the State of Inebriation.
Hamilton, New Zealand. 8-Aug-1995 A Hamilton (New Zealand) Analyst Programmer, Simon Travaglia, was caught last week baking a cake from a recipe he found 'On the Internet..'. Police were called in when neighbours became suspicious about 'bakery smells' wafting into their homes from Travaglia's residence. Police noted that Travaglia had in his posession sophisticated cake-baking apparatus including an oven and several professionally crafted spatulas, which, if used properly, could have produced 10 or more cakes in a single day. Police also found a stockpile of cakes, including several banana cakes, two chocolate cakes, and a self-saucing pudding. At the time of his arrest, Mr Travaglia was apparently in the process of making several scones which appeared destined to be stored in 'scone-caches' around the city. The Police also found was a larder full of ingredients with an estimated street value of several dollars. Experts who examined one cake surmised that it had an estimated yield of "8 slices, possibly 10 if you cut it up thinner". A well-known member of parliament has renewed his calls for censorship of "Usenet News" groups which distribute such material. He says: "We are faced with a situation whereby school-age-children, without the knowledge of their parents, can download recipes by the dozen, and store them in encrypted form on the computer. Parents cannot be expected to Police this information, and it is time legislation was put into place to prevent the distribution of these recipes and punish those responsible for attempting it." When it was pointed out that several similar recipes were available at many public libraries, the Minister indicated that libraries were in a position to control access to these books both by placing them in prominent places under the watchful eyes of library staff and also on the top shelves of book stacks. He similarly refuted claims that cakes such as the ones found could be made by any third year cookery student. "These cakes" he said "were not made by trial and error. I have been assured by experts that the icing on the top of the chocolate cake in particular was applied by a practised hand. If this information is out there, it will be found and used, and it's obvious that the Internet has NO conscience when it comes to the distribution of sweet foods. We must act, and we must act now!" Meantime the Police have confirmed that despite all attempts to the contrary, three of the seized cakes had 'gone off'. On this occasion, no-one was seriously injured, although one officer was taken to sick bay with 'a sore tummy'.
Microsoft announced today their purchase of the rights to the Rolling
Stones song, "Satisfaction", for use in their Windows '95 advertising
blitz. The song's theme, "I Can't Get No...Satisfaction" is to become the
slogan for the entire Windows marketing effort. "We decided to finally
tell the truth about our OS", said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, "Because, the
fact is, with our longstanding monopoly in the operating systems market,
we no longer feel the need to satisfy our customers' needs".
In an exclusive interview, Gates admitted that "Everyone has known all
along that Windows is a complete loss. We know that we will never produce
a workable operating system so long as we try to maintain reverse
compatibility, and it's clear that that nobody wants an operating system
that isn't fully Windows 3.1 and DOS compatible. We screwed the world a
long time ago, and there's no point in denying it anymore. Consequently,
we no longer feel the need to pretend to care about our users, and our
advertising campaign reflects that."
Asked why Microsoft is advertising a product that they know they will
sell anyway, Gates responds, "Why not? We have so much money now that we
don't know what to do with it. Besides, after buying rights to most of the
world's great art, I figured we might as well start picking away at some
cultural icons. After all, if corporations didn't step in to manage
artistic experiences, people might use the art to develop ideas of their
own, and that would be a marketing disaster."
Rolling Stones vocalist Mick Jagger told reporters "Yeah, I said they
could have [the song] when hell freezes over." Inspired by this, a
Microsoft lawyer immediately parachuted into Jagger's estate carrying a
quill pen and a vial of blood. It has not been determined whether Jagger
actually signed an agreement, but sources have confirmed the existence of
a secret, multimillion dollar operation to pump liquid nitrogen into
abandoned oil wells, which some claim is associated with this pact. Satan,
the president and CEO of Hell, could not be reached for comment, but
rumours of his close ties with Gates have been circulating for years. A
recent request to L.L. Bean, the prominent mail-order clothing company,
for thousands of "brimstone-resistant" wool caps with "two holes in the
forehead" of each provides further evidence of imminent climactic change
in the underworld.
An anonymous Apple Computer evangelist expressed mixed feelings about
the announcement. "If you look at the real theme of this song", he
explained, "it's about sexual inadequacy. You see why Microsoft has been
so successful. They're marketing software to the intellectual equivalent
of frustrated teenage virgins, and they identify with the pain of never
getting what they want."
Asked if Apple is going to use this opportunity to increase its market
share, he continued: "Absolutely. Our new operating system, code named
'Copland', is going to be the center of a huge multi-media experience.
We're going to go to the mountains and have an orchestra play Copland's
'Appalachian Spring' in the middle of an empty field, while a hundred
interpretive dancers wrapped in aluminum foil express the joy of being a
Macintosh user. We're sure that this will gain us a major foothold in the
business world."
Some years ago my son and his friend were playing an early Adventure on a
TRS-80. The jewels to be collected were in a throne room at the edge of a
cliff and the room was guarded by a bear. Using all the various tools,
weapons, and spells at their command they were unable to get rid of the
bear. This went on for some 20 minutes or so. Finally in frustration they
entered: "Fuck bear!" The program's response was: "Bear is so startled it
falls off cliff."
Proper Care of Floppy Diskettes Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free floppies!! Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above) Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
I Am The Very Model of a Microsoft Executive By Brad Rhodes, (with inspiration from Lincoln Spector's "The Pirates of Pentium" and apologies to Sir William Gilbert...) Bill Gates: I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive Work sixteen hours ev'ry shift on days that are consecutive I make a line of software that is of the highest quality But leave in bugs to fix in upgrades in perpetuality Though some might claim that we compete in ways that are not very just That's just vindictive rumor spun by folks who can't compete with us Besides they cannot prove a thing, no judge will ever take their side We'll crush them with our lawyers known for litigation far and wide. Men's Chourus: He'll crush them with his lawyers known for litigation far and far and wide! Gates: My coders work a schedule bordering on impropriety But they'll still work for peanuts til they're vested in entirety I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all inde-cu-tive That I'm the very model of a Microsoft Executive! Chorus: I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all inde-cu-tive He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive! Gates: We made our windows system one which we hold in propriety And tweak it every now and then to screw up Lotus 1-2-3 Developing for Windows makes our competition often frown They haven't any choice -- our system is the only game in town. We'll use people's inventions that will make our software sell the best Idea is the first step but the market is the real test And though we may use other's thoughts and intellectual property Stealing's such a nasty word, we like to call it R&D. Chorus: Stealing's such a nasty word, he likes to call it R&-R&D. Gates [faster]: My business tactics are compared with Henry Ford and Genghis Kahn They built me up from nerdy kid to billionaire and then beyond And while my competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive! Chorus: And while his competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!
MICROSOFT - THE NEXT GENERATION... "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript. _________________________________________________________________ Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is `Microsoft'?" Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" Data "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions." Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea." . . . 15 Minutes Later . . . Data "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'." Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase." Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed." Data "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards." Riker "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...." Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !" Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?" Data, studying displays "Appearently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity." Picard "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality." . . . Two Hours Pass . . . Riker "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?" Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'. Picard "How much time will that buy us?" Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours." Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." Picard "Identify." Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..." Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY." Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects." Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!" Riker "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!" Data "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits." Riker and Picard, together - horrified "Lawyers!!" Geordi "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." Data "True, but appearently some must have survived." Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers." Data "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal." Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!" Picard "Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg don't deserve such a gruesome death!"
The last person on Earth without Windows 95 The Last Person on Earth without Windows 95 ! There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. "Not you again," I said. "Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here." Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, _I_ hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. "No," I said. "You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask." "Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy." "Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one." "You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, even if Microsoft claims that that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95." The Microsoft man looked perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said. "Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?" "Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy." "People without computers?" "Got 'em." "Amazonian Indians?" "We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes." "The Amish." "Check." "Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?" "We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you." "So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?" "If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely." "No." "Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me. "No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something." "It did." "Pardon?" "World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple." "So what happened?" "Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace." "Go away," I said. "I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail." "You have got to be kidding," I said. "Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL." "Bill Gates does not care about me," I said. "He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash." "He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident." "Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?" "Terrible. There's an active volcano there." "It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said. "Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?" The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me. "'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?" "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said. I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.
Caution! Please move any beverages and snacks away from your computer system before reading the remainder of this message. Do NOT attempt to eat or drink while reading this message. Instructions for Shooting Yourself in the Foot in Various Computer Languages and Systems Interfaces. By shadow@hubert.rain.com C: You shoot yourself in the foot. C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying "That's me, over there." FORTRAN:You shoot yourself in each toe, iteravily, until you run out of toes; then you read in the next toe and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling routine. MODULA-2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head. LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage.... SCHEME: as LISP, but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening. COBOL:USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN,AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied. BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged. VISUAL BASIC: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care. FORTH: Foot yourself in the shoot. APL: You shoot yourself in the; then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters. APL(ALTERNATE): You hear a gunshot and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened. PASCAL:The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot. ADA: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at the feet." ALGOL YOu shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room. ASSEMBLY: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight. HYPERTALK: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result. SMALLTALK: YOu spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal. PL/1: You consume all available system resources , including all the offline bullets. The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes and drops the original one on your foot. PROLOG: You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks to the gun, which then explodes in your face. SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot( a left foot). UNIX: %is foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o%rm *.o rm: .O: No such file or directory % Is % MOTIF: You spend days writing a uil description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet and the intricat scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams. APPLE SYSTEM 7: Double click the gun icon and a window giving a selection for guns, target areas, plus balloon help with medical remedies, and assorted sound effects. Click "shoot" button and a small bomb appears with note "Error of TYpe 1 has occurred". WINDOWS: Double click the gun icon and wait. Eventually a window opens giving a selection for guns, target areas, plus balloon help with medical remedies, and assorted sound effects. Click "shoot" button and a small box appears with note "Unable to open Shoot.dll, check that path is correct." WINDOWS 95:Your gun is not compatible with this OS and you must buy an upgrade and install it before you can continue. Then you will be informed that you don't have enough memory. DOS: YOu finally found the gun, but can't locate the file with the foot for the life of you. PARADOX:Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too. DBASE: YOu squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain, you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway. DBASE IV, V1.0: YOu pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly designed hand grenade and the whole building blows up. SQL: You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returens, it has a hole in it but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg. sh,csh, etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading manual pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C. CLIPPER: YOu grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can shoot yourself in the foot and discover that the gun that the bullets fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail_REAL_SOON_NOW_. ENGLISH: YOu put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off. FidoNet: YOu put your foot in your mouth, then echo it internationally. INTERNET: YOu put your foot in your mouth, shoot it, then spam the bullet so that everybody gets shot in the foot.
PASCAL, FORTRAN, COBOL -- These programming languages are well known
and (more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There
are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still
have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally
have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about
these obscure languages -- and why they are obscure -- we present the
following catalog:
SIMPLE -- SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiots Monopurpose Programming
Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to
BEGIN, END, and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you
can't make a syntax error.
SLOBOL -- SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it. Although
many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, COBOL
compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Three or
four programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their
terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL
programmers try to return to a related (but infinitely faster) language,
COCAINE.
VALGOL -- From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San
Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across
the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y'NOW.
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
operators include the "California Booleans," FERSURE and NOWAY.
Repetitions of code are handled in FERSURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL
program.
LIKE,Y'NOW (IMEAN) START
IF
A=LIKE BITCHEN AND
B=LIKE TUBULAR AND
C=LIKE GRODY**M4
(FERSURE)**2
THEN
FOR I=LIKE1 TO OH MAYBE 100
DO WAH + (DITTY**2)
BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE
LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
REALLY
LIKE TOTALLY(Y'NOW)
VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
message GAG ME WITH A SPOON!
LAIDBACK -- Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which
was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for
programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked.
Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there for long, since the
Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. Many
mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
syntax errors with the message: SORRY, MAN, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.
SARTRE -- Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose,
they just are. Thus, SARTRE programs are left to define their own
functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no
fun at parties.
FIFTH -- FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data
types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, DUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER, to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and
BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATSEVERAROUND. The many
versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial
status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE.
The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using
this language.
C -- This language was named for the grade received by its creator
when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.
C is best described as a "low level" programming language. In fact, the
language generally requires more C statements than machine code
statements to exercise a given task. In this respect, it is very similar
to COBOL.
LITHP -- This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the
absence of an "S" in its character set. Programmers and users must
substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in prothething lithtth.
DOGO -- Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training,
DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
graphics," a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as he
travels across the screen.
FOCUSALL -- a language designed to run on small DEC machines with
minimal memory. Its only supported distribution is paper tape, for
loading in from an ASR-33 teletype. This takes 20 minutes, after which
the user is greeted with the message:
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST LOADED FOCUSALL!
The interpreter is then ready to accept any valid command. The only
valid command is:
LOAD FOCUSALL
which causes the system to once again load the interpreter from paper
tape. The power of the language comes from the fact that preceding a
command with a statement line causes it to be stored as a program line
for later execution as in the following example:
10 LOAD FOCUSALL
20 LOAD FOCUSALL
...ETC...
PINBOL -- PINBOL is best known for the chance involved in making its
program run. Three tries at running are allowed, after which the message
"GAME OVER. INSERT QUARTER AND TRY AGAIN" is displayed. Some allowable
PINBOL instructions and their meanings are:
LEFT FLIPPER Illogical Left Shift
RIGHT FLIPPER Illogical Right Shift
SHOOT Try to Run
PINBOL is known to be extremely addictive. Those who are fluent
PINBOL programmers are known as PINBOL WIZARDS.
FASTBOL -- commonly known as QUICKIE. Error messages include
"COMPUTUS INTERRUPTUS." A closely related language is NOONER.
GERITOL -- This language is characterized by the habits of its ardent
users. Instructions frequently forget their function while executing and
conclude with the "I USED TO KNOW THAT" condition code. Loops tend to
repeat frequently at sporadic intervals, even when not initiated.
Hotel California on silicon... In a dark dim machine room Cool A/C in my hair Warm smell of silicon Rising up through the air Up ahead in the distance I saw a Solarian(tm) light My kernel grew heavy, and my disk grew slim I had to halt(8) for the night The backup spun in the tape drive I heard a terminal bell And I was thinking to myself This could be BSD or USL Then they started a lawsuit And they showed me the way There were salesmen down the corridor I thought I heard them say Welcome to Berkeley California Such a lovely place Such a lovely place (backgrounded) Such a lovely trace(1) Plenty of jobs at Berkeley California Any time of year Any time of year (backgrounded) You can find one here You can find one here Their code was definately twisted But they've got the stock market trends They've got a lot of pretty, pretty lawyers That they call friends How they dance in the courtroom See BSDI sweat Some sue to remember Some sue to forget So I called up Kernighan Please bring me ctime(3) He said We haven't had that tm_year since 1969 And still those functions are calling from far away Wake up Jobs in the middle of the night Just to hear them say Welcome to Berkeley California Such a lovely Place Such a lovely Place (backgrounded) Such a lovely trace(1) They're livin' it up suing Berkeley California What a nice surprise What a nice surprise (backgrounded) Bring your alibies Windows NT a dreaming Pink OS on ice And they said We are all just prisoners here Of a marketing device And in the judges's chambers They gathered for the feast They diff(1)'d the source code listings But they can't kill -9 the beast Last thing I remember I was restore(8)'ing | more(1) I had to find the soft link back to the path I was before sleep(3) said the pagedaemon We are programmed to recv(2) You can swap out any time you like But you can never leave(1) [ substitute whirring of disk and tape drives for guitar solo ]
There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for
you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them.
So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages
that describes what kind of women they would be if programming languages
were women.
Assembler - A female track star who holds all the world speed records.
She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can
cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not
beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC".
She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last
resort.
FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just
because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn
from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has
acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries)
That no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She
has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start yelling and
throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made grandad search
for another wife.
COBOL - A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.
BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is
seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for
them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem
amazing because it is their first experience. She is not that young
herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember
her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely
irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that
adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually
introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more
righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men by
introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.
PL/I - A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and
red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just
seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change.
C - A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too
talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double
check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce
temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but
it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper
and more sophisticated character.
ALGOL 60 - Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned,
and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but
your dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He
never actually tasted much of her cooking.
Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like
her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good
cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).
Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much
like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.
ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and
terse. Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former
lovers still discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy
about her romances and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't
been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory
tower.
LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her
hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students)
who have visited the farmhouse,-- enthusiastically praise the natural
food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the
long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix).
Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their
employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for their
efficiency.
APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook
delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each
table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few
people can understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language,
and are all recorded in mirror writing.
LOGO - A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher
that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient,
but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious
kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals.
LUCID & PROLOG - These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking
skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working
solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many
men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others
complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the description
of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to
predict what these girls will be like when they are fully mature.
Ada - A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict
rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite
talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military
talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so.
One Line Signatures from the Internet
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
* The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
* Did anyone see my lost carrier?
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
* He who laughs last thinks slowest!
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
* There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
* Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
* I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
* Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
* Double your drive space - delete Windows!
* What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
* Assassins do it from behind.
* If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
* "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
* I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
* I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
* The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
* Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* When there's a will, I want to be in it.
* Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
* I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
* All generalizations are false, including this one.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
* "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error-codes were found.
Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread
via the Internet:
-------------
WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one.
Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next
time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The
virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically
be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please
click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional
errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the
system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available
This is a commentary off of a discussion I listened to at work one day. > Free speech is such a slippery little eel... Just when you think the > Constitution has it right, you run into an interpretation that fails the > "common sense / bull shit" test. Perhaps an analogy will serve... > Think of the computer highway AS a highway. There it is again. Some clueless FOOL talking about the "Information Superhighway." They don't know JACK about the net. It's NOTHING like a Superhighway. That's a BAD metaphor. Yeah, but suppose the metaphor ran in the OTHER direction. Suppose the HIGHWAYS were like the NET. All right! Severe craziness. A highway HUNDREDS of lanes wide. Most with potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member VIGILANTE POSSES with nuclear weapons. 237 ON RAMPS at every intersection. NO SIGNS. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. AD HOC traffic laws. Some lanes would VOTE to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a CAPITAL OFFENSE on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just SHOOT you without a trial for talking on a car phone. AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking BUS with hundreds of EBOLA victims and a TOILET spewing out on the road behind it. Throwing DEAD WOMBATS and rotten cabbage at the other cars most of which have been ASSEMBLED AT HOME from kits. Some are 2.5 horsepower LAWNMOWER ENGINES with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn NITROGLYCERINE and IDLE at 120. No license tags. World War II BOMBER NOSE ART instead. Terrifying paintings of huge teeth or VAMPIRE EAGLES. Bumper mounted MACHINE GUNS. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a WHITE PHOSPHORUS GRENADE up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks with ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILE BATTERIES to shoot down the KRUD Traffic Watch helicopter. A little kid on a tricycle with a squirtgun filled with HYDROCHLORIC ACID. NO OFFRAMPS. Now THAT'S the way to run an Interstate Highway system.
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU
UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED
IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND
NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO
YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD
ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK
THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW
THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that
the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.
So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that
your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.
OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People,
who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS
WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of
engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering
backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a
bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is
"Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF
THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling
manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern
Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a
car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not
Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing
effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current
to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device
is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of
Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,
and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR
EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL
WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.
Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large
occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a
very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from
Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding
all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals
designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover
the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
TCI, the nation's largest cable television company, is in talks to launch a unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific Gas and Electric Co. and Microsoft Corporation to design a "smart home". The home automation industry is expected to triple in size, from $1.7 billion this year to more than $5.1 billion by the year 2000. Here is the diary of a future homeowner! =============== November 28, 1995 Moved in at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my PC, which is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm, like, totally wired. November 30 Hot stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice and cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should get the the universal remote surgically attached. December 3 Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak event. As I opened the refigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything! Carefully, I unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Called the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility company. The utility insists the problem was in the software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone calls. More remote diagnostics. Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode" -- the network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen's logic sequence was confused so it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour. December 7 The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated and the police computer concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure ... Another glitch: whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1, but it's not ready yet. December 12 This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the livingroom is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the Home Shopping channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing. I look at a message slowly throbbing on my PC screen: "Welcome to HomeWrecker!!! Now the FUN begins ... (be it ever so humble, there's no virus like HomeWrecker ...)". I get out of the house. Fast. December 18 They think I've digitally desinfected the house but the place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, The Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad," one tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you did'nt get Poltergeist. That one is really evil". December 19 Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mudslides yes," says the claims adjuster, "viruses, no." My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a noncertified on-line service. Everybody's very, very sorry but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that may be created. We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited. December 21 I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers personally. "Sure, I tell him"...
In the beginning there was nothing but Apple. And the PC was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of it's hard drive. And Bill said, Let there be DOS: And there was DOS. And Bill looked upon it, and it was good, and with it the PC slew the Apple. And DOS grew and grew, until its number was legion if you counted the decimal points, and still it was good. And Bill grew large with ambition, and he decreed that there should be a processor of words; and lo, there was Word. And Bill sayeth, Let there be a thingy for the crunching of numbers, and lo, there was Excel, and did his kingdom grow apace. But there had arisen in the land the thing called Macintosh, sprung from the intransigent Applemen, and Bill looked upon it, and it was better. Rapidly did he decree that Word should be made to run upon it, and after that all the other fruits of his efforts, but still he was wrathful. So Bill did order his minions to come forth with Windows, and when they did, he looked upon it, and it was bad. So he sent them back to try again, assuring all the world that they would get it right this time, and yet they did not. Unrelenting, Bill forced yet a third mighty blow, and when it came forth, Bill did order his trumpets to blow, and his chorus to sing, and his criers to cry, until the din could be heard throughout the land; and when he looked upon this third version of Windows, he saw that it was not all that great, but like hotcakes did it sell. And thus did Bill gloat, for the world proclaimed that he had matched the lowly Macintosh, and his praises were sung throughout the land. And so he ordered another, mightier, more magnificent version made, and his henchmen and henchwomen did labor hard. Still it was not forthcoming in the year promised, nor the year promised next, and rumors did abound, and magazines did overflow with secret peeks, and columnists did heap their scornupon it. And came the minions of the Justice Department, bent upon proving Bill monopolous, yet before his wrath did they quail, and go away, and proclaim him innocent, mostly. And that which was once called Chicago became known as Windows 95, and the suspense built throughout the land, and Bill, remembering what had gone before, set about building a great Hype. Into his Hype he put the greatest mouths of the land, and scattered the fruits of his profits so heavily that he bought hosts of angels to sing, and Rolling Stones songs, and trumpets and horns and drums without number. As the time of the birthing grew nigh, he purchased television time without end, and appeared thereon himself, and bought entire editions of newspapers to give away unto the faithful, and traveling circuses to visit each great city. And so when Windows 95 was born did hysteria rule the land, as the choirs sang and the trumpets and horns did blare and the televisions and the newspapers charge their followers to go forth and buy. Heeding this, the populace did rush to the marketplace at the stroke of midnight, when even the cock doth sleep, and did push and shove and even come to blows to better secure their own copies, lest the be thought ignorant, or uncool, or hamsters in the eyes of Bill. And Bill looked upon what he had wrought, and he giggled, and rubbeth his hands together, and even in the moment of his triumph, began to think of Next Time.
Hacking through the Jargon Jungle
When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data
input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to
know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the
computer industry.
Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years,
I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge
with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting
user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.
Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by
Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf
Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention
as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf
became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that
he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy
began working for IBM.
CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It
consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel
that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a
ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.
Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files
that you need disappear to.
Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place
blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It
helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when
you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and
tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can
be kicked or battered.
Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When
the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a
series of Help screens and end up where they started from without
learning anything.
Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible
data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of
variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main
parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of
high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons
and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who
create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them
noogies.
Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also
used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by
estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that
makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key
might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
Subject: Net Censorship and the Tele-Comm bill
February 2, 1996
Department of the Treasury
Bureau of Alchol, Tobacco, and Firearms
Division of Internet Enforcement
Washington, D.C.
Dear Ms. Kadel:
The Division of Internet Enforcement was created by the 104th Congress to
monitor the Internet for obscene and lewd photographs, language, and
material on the worldwide network known as the internet.
Your recent post on the Usenet newsgroup ___ALT.FAN.KARL-MALDEN.NOSE___,
dated __02/02/96__, and with a message reference of
__<4etoae$18n@decaxp.harvard.edu>__, is in violation of the high moral
standards imposed by Congress. Your post was found in violation because
of __NAUGHTY LANGUAGE (CODE III.34.a)__
Please understand that your use of __NAUGHTY LANGUAGE (CODE III.34.a)__
is inappropriate because young, impressionable children might be exposed
to harmful language on this __NEWSGROUP__. Because of the high
likelihood that such children read __ALT.FAN.KARL-MALDEN.NOSE__, the
psychological harm done to them by seeing __NAUGHTY LANGUAGE (CODE
III.34.a)__ could be lasting and traumatic.
Under the codes of appropriate Internet conduct established by Congress,
you will be fined __$5,000__. Please remit this payment with your 1995 tax
return (Schedule IINa: Internet Appropriate Use Penalties). In addition,
__POSTMASTER@FAS.HARVARD.EDU__ has been notified of your conduct, and we
have requested that your __UNIX SHELL/SLIP/PPP ACCOUNT (CODE
I.bb)__ be revoked.
We strongly encourage you to get an account with a responsible Internet
Access Provider (IAP), such as America Online. IAPs monitor the content
they pass on to the subscriber carefully, keeping dangerous language
(such as bre*st, or information about safe s*x) off of their systems. We
hope that the conduct of other users of systems such as AOL will help
reform your behavior on the Internet, as well as help you keep your own
mind clear of such filthy language.
If you fail to pay the assessed __$5,000__ penalty for your use of
__NAUGHTY LANGUAGE (CODE III.34.a)__ on __ALT.FAN.KARL-MALDEN.NOSE__, we
will send BATF agents to your __RESIDENCE__ to shoot you and your pets or
set your __RESIDENCE__ on fire, then blame the incident on your
religious/cult activities involving __RADISHES__.
Thank you for your cheerful cooperation. We welcome any comments about
our new department, as we are committed to the Constitutional principles
of free and open expression.
Sincerely,
James D. Exon
Director
Division of Internet Enforcement (DIE)
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms
Department of the Treasury
Renee Eno
OMG Member Services
renee@omg.org
Lord of the ROMs
A Techno twist on the epic trilogy
This book is largely concerned with Users, and from its pages readers
may diskover much of their character and a little of their history. A
simple people, they do not like interfaces more complicated than a menu, a
window, or an icon.
But during the great War of the ROM, which brought to a close the Third
Wave of Middle Ware, Users came to trouble the counsels of the Fast and
the Compatible.
The Fellowship of the ROM
One day Fifo was visited by the great, gray-haired guru Logoff. "That
CD-ROM you inherited from your uncle Zero is more dangerous than all the
great Elfin Hackers of Old," Logoff explained. "Long ago, the Dark
Chairman made 20 magic disks."
He then recited from the ancient poem:
"`Three for the applications to make our business work
Seven for the great games that we all enjoy
Nine for the programmers--from code they never shirk
One for the Dark Chairman who wants every toy.'
"That, Fifo, is the disk that has fallen into your hands; it controls
the other CD-ROMs and can make the Dark Chairman invincible."
Fifo looked down at the disk in terror. "You means it's ... it's the
operating system?"
"Yes. And now the Dark Chairman is gathering his armies to find it. The
disk must be destroyed, and that can happen in but one way. You must set
out with your servant Simm towards the land of Redmond and there cast the
CD-ROM into Lake Washington."
And so Fifo and Simm, accompanied by their friends Opendoc, Parity,
Logoff, and the Great Geek Errorgorn, set off for Redmond. After many
dangerous encounters and near-fatal crashes, Fifo and Simm left their
friends behind to protect them from danger. Their friends were immediately
attacked by Nerds.
The Two Tower Cases
After a quick battle, the Nerds captured Opendoc and Parity. They
networked the Users together and set out with them to Isdngard, where the
evil Sarublue awaited them.
Luckily, Opendoc and Parity escaped from their captors while the Nerds
were trying to make OS/2 run on a PowerPC. (Shortly after they escaped,
one of the Nerds cried, "This operating system will never be as popular as
Windows," and the entire troop was immediately wiped out by an army of
Blue Fanatics.) The two Users found themselves in an ancient forest of
binary trees, where they befriended Treeweird, a mammoth creature who
moved with great slowness and deliberation. He was an NT. And when Opendoc
told him of the evil of Sarublue, he gathered the other NTs to go to war.
With the help of the NTs, Opendoc and Parity destroyed Isdngard and
rejoined Logoff and Errorgorn. With nothing better to do, they set off to
do battle with the Dark Chairman.
Meanwhile, Fifo and Simm were traveling through the ever-bleaker
landscape to Redmond. One night, a black crawling shape approached them,
mumbling "Ach, sss! Cautious, my preprocessssor. Nasty, nasty Usssserss."
It was Goto, former owner of the One ROM.
Simm snuck up behind Goto and hit him on the head with his notebook's AC
adapter. "I got him, Mister Fifo. Can we use him for a live action version
of Doom?"
"No, Simm," his master answered. "He's been to Redmond before, and he
may know the security system."
And so Goto led them into Redmond through a secret gateway. But evil
creature that he was, he led them to Sheetfeeder, a giant virus that lived
on the FAT of hapless passersby.
The Return of Is
Logoff, Errorgorn, and a cast of thousands raced to Redmond to do battle
with the Dark Chairman's minions. When they arrived at the gates, they
were met by a vast army of Nerds, viruses, Electric Spikes, and Sen. James
Exon, D-Neb.
"We cannot win," said Logoff, "but the real fight isn't here. We must
lose and die so that others may slip through." Everyone agreed it was a
stirring, morale-boosting speech.
The battle raged, and all of the heroes were on the verge of dying when
Parity heard someone cry, "The Apples are coming! The Apples are coming!
No, wait. They're going away again."
Meanwhile, Fifo and Simm, having escaped from Sheetfeeder, were nearing
Lake Washington. But Fifo was slowing down, as though he could no longer
carry the strain of his great burden. "Well, Mister Fifo," Simm said, "I
told ye you should've bought a lighter notebook."
Finally, they arrived at the lake. Fifo's voice turned clear and
powerful. "I have chosen not to do what I came here for." And he opened
his notebook and put the CD-ROM inside.
Instantly, Goto leaped out of the shadows, grabbed Fifo's notebook, and
ran with it, crying, "My preprocessssor. Goto'sss got my preprocesssssor."
He ran with such speed and joy that he was halfway across the lake before
he realized that he was running on water. He sank without a trace.
Instantly, all wrongs were righted, all bugs were squashed, and all
lawsuits settled. Flying toasters swooped down and flew everyone home.
Thus ended the third wave of Middleware. Errorgorn was crowned CEO, Fifo
and Logoff sailed west to launch a web site, and Simm returned to hearth
and home. "Well," he said, "I'm backed up."
=A9 1996 Lincoln Spector. All rights reserved.
HACKER TAROT CARDS.
0. The FOOL: a manager using a SPARCStation 413,1432 to run a
screensaver.
1. The MAGICIAN: a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a Sparc, and a
Cray on the table in front of him --- all running the same program with
the same GUI. An infinity sign is over his head.
2. The HIGH PRIESTESS: a woman holding the Documentation, closed and
concealed. The crescent moon is showing on an Indigo behind her.
3. The EMPEROR: Steve Jobs sitting on a NeXT cube, holding an optical
disk vertically in his hand.
4. The EMPRESS: A secretary with a NeXT Machine.
5. The HIEROPHANT: Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him,
their faces averted, offering him floppy disks. He wears a laptop
computer on his head.
6. The LOVERS: a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as
an angel bathed in glory regards them.
7. The CHARIOT: A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve,
drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture (white).
8. STRENGTH: A woman holding the entire design and implementation of
Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error. An
infinity sign is over her head.
9. The HERMIT: An old hacker, white-bearded, burns the midnight oil;
its Star-of-David flame illuminates his keyboard.
10. The WHEEL OF FORTUNE: A rotating wheel. Cray is on the side going
down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and C++
is sitting on top. Four winged beings -- a mouse, a turtle, a dog-cow,
and a human -- look on.
11. JUSTICE. A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a
delete- key in the other.
12. The HANGED MAN: A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct.
His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps at
dawn. His monitor is reverse-video. He programs on, flawlessly, oblivious
to his circumstances.
13. DEATH: A skeleton wielding a scythe surveys a field, on which are
scattered PDP-11s, Apple ]['s, IBM 360/91's, Xerox Alto's, and many
other machines.
14. TEMPERANCE: An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on
the floor, as she copies files from one disk to another. A cursor blinks
from her chest.
15. The DEVIL: The goat-headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of
Windows manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand. Two humans, male
and female, are in chains at his feet.
16. The TOWER: An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning. Two
robed figures, denied tenure, are hurtled to the ground.
17. The STAR: A Mac is running its `warp' screen saver, in a transient
fragile moment of peace.
18. The MOON: A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC's. A crayfish
crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately prove
deadly. The moon shines through a window.
19. The SUN: A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs
clever applications on a high-quality workstation.
20. JUDGEMENT: An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages
arise, to be rated Cool or not.
21. The WORLD: A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered,
in a ring of clouds, a 3-d mouse in each hand. The four winged beings
from the Wheel of Fortune surround her.
The Day SunOS Died
by N.R. "Norm" Lunde, with apologies to Don McLean
Remember when those guys out West
With their longish hair and paisley vests
Were starting up, straight out of UCB?
They used those Motorola chips
Which at the time were really hip
And looked upon the world through VME.
Their first attempt ran like a pig
But is was the start of something big;
They called the next one the Sun-2
And though they only sold a few
It soon gave birth unto the new
Sun-3 which was their pride
And now they're singing
"Bye, bye, SunOS 4.1.3!
ATT System V has replaced BSD.
You can cling to the standards of the industry
But only if you pay the right fee --
Only if you pay the right fee..."
The hardware wasn't all they sold.
Their Berkeley port was solid gold
And interfaced with system V, no less!
They implemented all the stuff
That Berkeley thought would be enough
Then added RPC and NFS.
It was a lot of code to cram
Into just four megs of RAM.
The later revs were really cool
With added values like SunTools
But then they took us all for fools
By peddling Solaris...
And they were singing,
"Bye, bye, SunOS 4.1.3!
ATT System V has replaced BSD.
You can cling to the standards of the industry
But only if you pay the right fee --
Only if you pay the right fee..."
They took a RISC and kindled SPARC.
The difference was like light and dark.
The Sun-4s were the fastest and the best.
The user base was having fun
Installing SunOS 4.1
But what was coming no one could have guessed.
The installed base was sound.
The software did abound.
While all the hackers laughed and played
Already plans were being made
To make the dubious "upgrade"
To Sun's new Solaris...
And Sun was singing,
"Bye, bye, SunOS 4.1.3!
ATT System V has replaced BSD.
You can cling to the standards of the industry
But only if you pay the right fee --
Only if you pay the right fee..."
The cartridge tapes were first to go
And CDROM's a must, you know
And floppy drives will soon go out the door.
I tried to call and ask them why
But they took away my tty
and left my modem lying on the floor.
While they were on a roll
They moved the damned control.
The Ethernet's now twisted pair.
Which no one uses anywhere.
ISDN is still more rare--
The bandwidth's even less!
But still they're singing
"Bye, bye, SunOS 4.1.3!
ATT System V has replaced BSD.
You can cling to the standards of the industry
But only if you pay the right fee --
Only if you pay the right fee..."
The worst of all is what they've done
To software that we used to run
Like dbx and even /bin/cc.
Compilers now have license locks
Wrapped up in OpenWindows crocks
We even have to pay for gcc!
The applications broke;
/usr/local went up in smoke.
The features we've depended on
Before too long will all be gone
But Sun, I'm sure, will carry on
Be peddling Solaris,
Forever singing,
"Bye, bye, SunOS 4.1.3!
ATT System V has replaced BSD.
You can cling to the standards of the industry
But only if you pay the right fee --
Only if you pay the right fee..."
COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS (as depicted in movies) ===================================================== Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see Fortress). All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. [See The Hunt For Red October or Alien] All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. [See the opening credits for The Hunt For Red October] A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see Demolition Man and countless others). Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see Alien, 2001, Jurassic Park).
This is the true story of my friend the programmer, who was locked in the bathroom by his cats, and then thrown out of the window when he tried to escape. My friend David is a bright man, a programmer, in fact. He works for one of the subsidiary companies of the local RBOC, and is building the Information Hyperbahn. Think upon his foresight, his planning, and his powerful logical processes when your TV-top unit insists on showing "The Brady Bunch" when you ask for "The Maltese Falcon", and your stock market report says "Low cloud at the coast, gradually clearing inland by midday." David hasn't been home much recently, as his job has been keeping him late; it's a three hour commute there and back, and he really feels in need of a beer after a long day, so he usually stops off for a quick one or two at the local on his way home. He has perhaps been neglecting his cats a bit. When David got home from the pub the other night, he went to use his bathroom. His bathroom door handle has been broken for about six months now, but, living alone and being very busy, he hasn't got around to fixing it; he just doesn't close the door all the way. While he was in the bathroom, his cats, Bert and Sebastian, rushed into the bathroom to be with him. Frolicking madly, Sebastian jumped against the door, pushing it shut with such force that the doorknob and spindle fell out into the hallway. David couldn't open the door. He spent forty-five minutes trying to open the door using ordinary household equipment such as one might find in the bathroom. Meanwhile, Bert and Sebastian were happily cavorting about his feet, reveling in the presence of the beloved provider. Finally David came to the conclusion that the only way out was via the window. David lives on the second floor, but he was sure that it would be O.K. if he just got out and lowered himself by his his hands, as he would then only have a four-foot drop: no big deal. Of course, to get out of the window, he had to climb into the bath and take down the curtains, but after that it was fairly easy. Bert and Sebastian were not too happy that the can-opener was escaping, and just as David had committed himself to leaving the window-sill and was contemplating his next move, Sebastian jumped onto David's shoulder, an event for which David was totally unprepared. He crawled upstairs and waited until seven in the morning to call me before he called an ambulance. He'd broken both his heels and cracked his fourth and fifth lumbar vertebrae: a week in hospital, and seven weeks in two casts and a wheelchair. His company has put in an extra phone line for him, and he can do all his programming via modem. Now he's home all the time. Bert and Sebastian are, of course, delighted.
In the course of the new job I need to do some testing. (I'm working on a front end to a Medical citiation reference database). Looking for something innocuous and unfindable (I want a failed search), the following transaction occurs: SEARCH: "blah" RESULT 1 Article found 1 item retrieved. The impact of extramarital relationships on the continuation of marriages. J Sex Marital Ther 1995 Summer;21(2):100-15
How To Determine If Technology has Taken Over Your Life
o Your business cards contain no white space. They list a phone
number, fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services,
and your internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
front and continues onto the back.
o You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at
least one device on your body beep or buzz.
o You need to fill out a form that must be type written, but you
can't because there isn't one in your house or office - only
computers with laser printers.
o You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends", but you
forget to send a relative a birthday card.
o You disdain people who use low baud rates.
o You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation
without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
o You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice
number",
because we all know the majority of phone lines in any house
are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
o You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
o Off the top of your head, you can think of 19 keystroke symbols
that are more clever than :-).
o You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
o The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely
enters
your mind.
o You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
o You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know
where they are.
o You go home to send a fax because the machine in your office
never
works and the one at your home always does.
o While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index finger strain with
a nine year old.
o You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your
automobile
tires.
o You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster
you
own turns bread into charcoal.
o You understand all the jokes in this message.
o You'd e-mail this message to your friends, but you'd never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them
over the phone.
- Anonymous
Another Dictionary runner-up...
BIT
A word used to descibre an amount or size, as in "This computer cost
quite a bit."
BOOT
What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging
about you computer skills.
BUG
What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny screen for more than
fifteen minutes.
CHIPS
The junk food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their
keyboards for meals.
COPY
What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much
time playing computer games and not enough time studying.
CURSOR
What you turn into when your computer won't do what you want it to
do. As in, "You sorry !&$#@$%$!! computer!"
DISK
What goes out in your back after hunching over a keyboard all day.
DUMP
The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install
your computer.
ERROR
What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to
"just look."
EXPANSION UNIT
The new room you have to build onto your house for your computer
and all its peripherals.
FILE
What your wife does to her nails eight hours a day, now that you're
on the computer eight hours a day.
FLOPPY
The condition of a computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise
and a steady diet of junk food. (see "Chips")
HARDWARE
Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you
haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM
The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to
drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
MENU
What you'll never see again after buying a computer, because you'll
be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
MONITOR
What your wife does when she isn't otherwise occupied (see FILE) to
make sure you aren't ogling pictures of naked women on the Internet.
PROGRAMS
Those things you used to look at on your television before you
hooked your computer up to it.
RAM
What you do to your computer when it's not working properly.
RETURN
What lots of people do with their computers after Windows' fiftieth
crash.
TERMINAL
A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on
hot computers.
WINDOW
What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a
program that took you three days to set up.
GOD DAMN MICROSOFT! Please, damn their souls! I beg You, condemn them to the darkest, hottest, stench-filled corner of Hell's sewers, oozing with the excretions of Your dark mephitic servants, filled with the heavy brown haze of Your daemons' intestinal gases! I beseech Thee, make them feel the pain of a thousand fishhooks piercing their gums, and the agony of long, sharp rusted needles filling their bleeding eye-sockets! Curse them with green, bubbling leprosy, and fill them with such a cannibalistic hunger that they cannot resist the droppings of their fellow prisoners! Fill their ani with the foetid musk of the wild cow and cast them into the Pits of the Great Bulls of Hell! GOD DAMN MICROSOFT!
"Hi this isis our server down?" me "Why no it's not, as a matter of fact as we speak it is flying a few hundred feet in the air, as soon as it comes down well get back to you"
Humans are incapable of securely storing high-quality cryptographic keys, and they have unacceptable speed and accuracy when performing cryptographic operations. [Humans] are also large, expensive to maintain, difficult to manage, and they pollute the environment. It is astonishing that these devices continue to be manufactured and deployed. But they are sufficiently pervasive that we must design our protocols around their limitations. - from Network Security / PRIVATE Communication in a PUBLIC World by Charlie Kaufman, Radia Perlman, & Mike Speciner (Prentice Hall 1995)