Hazardous Materials Information Sheet : MEN

Element: Men
Symbol: BS
Discoverer: Should be shot
Atomic Mass:  70 kg (without Ego)
              1000 kg (Ego included)
Occurrences: Found just about anywhere women are.

Physical Properties:
     - Surface covered in hairy coat
     - Displays signs of spineless puppy dog when properly whipped by a 
       experienced woman.
     - Hardens very easily, but softens at nothing.
     - Sweet only when necessary, otherwise generally very bitter.
     - Found in only one state : Horny
     - Yields to just about anything with open legs.

Chemical Properties:
     - Has a great affinity for bimbos and remote controls.
     - High Grade specimens spend great quantities of expensive   substances.
     - Inability to think with more than one organ at a time.
     - Attracted to just about anything, but sticks to nothing.
     - Most powerful self-esteem reducing agent known to woman.

Common Uses:
     - Has not yet been discovered.
     - Some usefulness has been found when dealing with household appliances,
       but usefulness is extremely limited.
     - Occasionally useful in bedroom, but only when given explicit
       instructions.

Tests:
     - Becomes extremely competitive when grouped with several other specimens.
     - Pure specimen becomes an asshole when saturated with alcohol.

Hazards:
     - It is extremely difficult to keep one of these. A trained expert can
       resort to various tricks if necessary.
     - It is illegal to posses more than one, but why would anyone want even the
       one they have?

-------------------------------------------

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET 
-------------------------------------------

ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

   * Surface usually covered in painted film
   * Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason
   * Melts if given special treatment
   * Bitter if incorrectly used
   * Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
   * Yields if pressure applied in correct places

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

   * Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
   * Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
   * May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason
   * Insoluble in liquids, but actively increases greatly in saturation of
     alcohol
   * Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES:

   * Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
   * Can be a great aid to relaxation
   * Very effective cleaning agent

TESTS:

   * Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
   * Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

HAZARDS:

   * Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
   * Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at
     different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct
     contact with each other

Many years ago there was an out of work salesman. Couldn't find a job anywhere. One day he applies for work at Seven-Up and the manager asks him why he should be hired. "I've got a WONDERFUL idea," he exclaims, "You send me to deepest darkest Africa with a boat load of Seven-Up and if I don't sell every single bottle, I'll waive any and all commissions and even pay my way back! You have absolutely nothing to lose!"

The manager realizes this is a damn good idea, hires him, has the boat filled, and sends the salesman on his way to points east. He is never heard from again.

After several months pass, the manager becomes the laughing stock of the company and realizes he has been taken for a ride, so he hires a private detective to set out in search of the missing salesman. Off he goes to the jungle. After weeks of questions, false leads and monsoons, the detective finds what's left of the boat on the banks of a small river. Only a well-worn path and one Seven-Up bottle holds the clues to what has happened to the missing salesman and follow the path he did! After many miles of discarded and broken Seven-Up bottles he comes to a small village almost constructed of the bottles. They're hanging from the villagers as jewerly, used as windows for the huts, kids are using them as toys, and the Chief has a royal headdress made entirely of Seven-Up bottles. They are EVERYWHERE!

The detective goes up to the chief of the village and asks, "I see you have many bottles here from my company, but what happened to the man that sold them to you?"

"Oh, he one big cheat!" cried the chief. "He take us for all our valuables, made love to my daughter and would not marry her, and try to escape without leaving Seven-Up! We kill him. We put him in big pot and cook him. Then we eat him. We eat him from his thing up. Then we eat him from his thing down".

"MY GOD!!!!" said the salesman, "Jeeeezus, if you ate him from his thing up, then ate him from his thing down, why didn't you just go ahead and eat his thing, too?????"

"Because," explained the chief, "Things go better with Coke."

An interesting note: male scientists at one time argued that men had the potential to be more intelligent than women because on average their brains were about 10% larger. Last month, a study was published that (without getting into the boring details) conclusively proved that women had just as many neurons, and just as many neural connections, as men did. How is that possible given that their brains are smaller? Turns out that a woman's brain is actually constructed in a more efficient manner, meaning that less 'structural' material is required. So the 'lost 10%' is actually the wasted space saved by the more efficient model.

The more efficient model...as in, men have Brain 1.0 and women have Brain 1.1 - the new and improved version. Leads to some rather interesting lines of thought, doesn't it? ;-)

You mean there's no upgrade path.? What a con. I want a refund. Ah, but wait a minute, this is hardware, or at least squishyware[tm], no upgrades.

So, are women's brains RISC brains? It certainly explains all the compatibility problems between v1.0 & 1.1 (10^8 pts. !!)

I hear that v1.1 can't handle baseball stats very well, much in the same way that v1.0 doesn't recognize 'Totally lost. Refer to Map error - L112b4'. Maybe some smart Genetic Engineer can come up with a patch to sort out the compatibility issues. But let's face it, both versions are still as buggy as hell.

Three clinical psychiatrists had a paper in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry entitled "Unusual Side Effects of Clomipramine Associated with Yawning", describing 4 patients who, while taking the the anti-depressant drug Clomipramine (brand name Anafranil) reported the unusual side effect of spontaneous orgasm every time they yawned.

The first case of this was a female patient who had been depressed for 3 months, but under treatment "Complete symptom remission occurred within 10 days". She then asked how long she would be allowed to go on using the drug, since she had observed that every time she yawned she had an orgasm, and she was able to experience orgasm by deliberate yawning.

Apparently it can work for guys too. One male patient said that while he found the repeated climaxes "awkward and embarrassing, he elected to continue the medication because of the therapeutic benefit he obtained. The awkwardness and embarrassment were overcome by continuously wearing a condom."

          

                          MEMO: FOUL LANGUAGE
                                       
   It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
   throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
   of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints
   received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type
   of language will no longer be tolerated.
   
   Nonetheless, we do realize the critical importance of individuals
   being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with
   fellow employees. Therefore, a list of code phrase replacements has
   been compiled so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue
   in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive
   co-workers.
   
   Old Phrase = Preferred New Phrase 

   No fucking way! = I'm certain that's not feasible. 
   You've got to be shitting me. = Really? 
   Tell someone who gives a fuck. = Perhaps you should check with... 
   Ask me if I give a fuck. = Of course I'm concerned. 
   It's not my fucking problem. = I wasn't involved with that project. 
   What the fuck? = Interesting. 
   Fuck it, it won't work. = I'm not sure I can implement this. 
   Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner? = I'll try to schedule that. 
   When the fuck do you expect me to do this? = Perhaps I can work late. 
   He's got his head up his ass. = He's not familiar with the problem. 
   Eat shit! = You don't say. 
   Eat shit and die. = Excuse me? 
   Eat shit and die motherfucker. = Excuse me Sir?
   Shove it up your ass. = I love a "challenge". 
   Blow me. = I see.
   Blow yourself. = Do you see? 
   He's a fucking prick. = He's somewhat insensitive.
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.=I think you could use more training. 
   This place is all fucked up. = We're a little disorganized.  

          

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head
of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a fucking checking
account." "Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no
need to use that kind of language."

"Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking
account," growled the would-be customer. "I'll be glad to be of
service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would
appreciate not being spoken to in that way."

"Just lemme open a fucking checking account, okay?" "I'm afraid
I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the pissed-off
teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper
middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service.

"I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the
man, "and all I wanna do is open a fucking checking account." "I see,"
said the manager sympathetically. "And this BITCH is giving you trouble?"

          

Now that everyone's had entirely too much to eat, a little calorie chart
to begin shedding the pounds.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------

 ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED      ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED

 ---------------------------------------------------------------

 REMOVING CLOTHES:                 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
 With partner's consent.....12     Shoes flew off...............35
 Without partner's consent.187     Expression didn't change....1/2
                                   Orchestra swelled.............6
 UNHOOKING BRA:                    Birds sang
 Using two calm hands........7      Large birds..................7
 Using one trembling hand...36      Small birds..................3
                                   Earth moved..................30

 Lifting partner............15     PULLING OUT:
 Dragging partner on floor..16     After orgasm................1/2
 Using skateboard............3     A few moments before orgasm.500

 ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:              PENIS ENVY:
 For normal healthy man....2.5     For woman.....................3
 Losing erection............14     For men......................72
 Searching for it..........115
                                   GUILT:
 PUTTING ON CONDOM:                Despite no formal training,
 With erection.............1.5     orgasm comes easily..........53
 Without erection..........300     You're enjoying sex,despite the
                                   fact that other people are
 INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:              starving......................2
 If the woman who does it is       Sex on your lunch hour........3
 Experienced.................6     Putting it on expense account..
 Inexperienced..............73                                  20
 If a man does it..........680     AGGRAVATION:
 Add (5) calories for retrieving   Partner keeps showing plants..5
 it from across the room.          Partner insists on cuddling the
                                   dog during foreplay..........14

 ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:         Partner visiting bathroom for
 Italian- Man on top,woman in      7th time.....................10
 kitchen....................26     Partner taking phone calls....7
 Russian- Woman on bottom,         Partner making phone calls...40
 Man getting permission.....55
 American- Both on top......60     GETTING CAUGHT:
                                   By partner's spouse..........60
 SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE:         By your spouse..............100
 Bouncing....................7     Trying to explain............55
 Sliding around..............9     Trying to remain calm.......100
 Serious skidding...........12     Leaping out of bed...........75
 Whiplash...................27     Getting dressed in one motion
                                                               500
                                   Thanking partner quickly......2
 ORGASM:
 Real.......................27
 Faked.....................160

          

At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says
something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

You want = You want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going
to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
T.V

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to
it.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he
goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're
stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look
at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great
in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

(The answer to "What's wrong?")

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an a**hole

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

Your age        Used or New
--------        -----------

1-12 years      (see note A)
13-16 years      New
17-21 years      Used, but not used up
22-35 years      Used heavily
35-60 years      New (see note B)
60+             (see note A)

Notes: A: Seek psychiatric help!
       B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories

Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability to run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology

Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results

Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

Category        Comments
--------       ---------------------------------------------------

Goddess:        This is the woman of your dreams.  She comes
                equipped with all the options you want and none of
                the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of
                philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball,
                understand what you mean even if you don't say it,
                and break a bed.  No mental or physical hang-ups.

                The drawback is that this model is not actually
                available.


Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes
                with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic
                ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father,
                and a bratty kid.  This model tends to generate grey
                hairs.

Ms. Right:      The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
                situations. Has most of the characteristics of the
                Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair
                color.  Other than that, an excellent long-term
                investment.  Availability is extremely limited but
                can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe:           This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all
                the options.  Unfortunately this model lacks
                cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for
                a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for
                your long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend:         The model with the most empathy.  Caring and kind
                but you wouldn't be caught dead in it.  Availability
                is poor to fair, depending on quality.

Yeah, Her:      The Ford Escort of girlfriends.  Widely
                available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a
                pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be
                spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed boyfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for boyfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a boyfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby maker? An aerobics partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Our research shows that although you have probably refined your skills for finding out what other people need, you may have little experience defining your own needs and desires. However, identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a boyfriend, so spend a little time evaluating them!

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical characteristics--if you are good looking, have a healthy rack, and long hair, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. Of course, if you also have a personality, you may be out of luck. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and resemble a boy, even with the brain of a genius your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesperson will tell you that a boyfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?

A question many boyfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used boyfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

  Your age        Used or New
  --------        -----------
  1-12 years      (see note A)
  13-16 years     New
  17-21 years     Used, but not used up
  22-35 years     Used heavily
  35-60 years     New (see note B)
  60+             (see note A)

New boyfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, except those foisted upon them by their mothers, but the disadvantage is that they will work those mother-son issues out on you. Additionally, new boyfriends are rarely skilled at using the tools of the trade - better that someone else should have broken them in for you. Used boyfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the boyfriend is emotionally unavailable, or a commitment-phobe.

Accessories

Often the potential boyfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such item as large schlong, tight butt, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while carrying on an intelligent conversation. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large schlong) must be factory installed.

The Test Drive

When evaluating a boyfriend, a test drive is essential. The test drive ritual begins with the so-called pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test track, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the schlong sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does he remain cool? (Editor s note: While a boyfriend that remains cool is an interesting feature during a test drive, the novelty quickly wears off.)

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot

Finding the right boyfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories desired. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby maker, you should reconsider your need for a boyfriend anyway. Take a look under HIS hood.

Methodology

Boyfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results

Boyfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

                                                                          

 
 Category        Comments
 --------        ----------------------------------------------------
 God:            This is the man of your dreams.  He comes equipped
                 with all the options you want and none of the ones you
                 don't. He can communicate clearly and honestly, give
                 you a fabulous backrub, listen to what you say and
                 respond intelligently, and occupy you for hours in bed.
                 No mental or physical hang-ups.  The drawback is that
                 this model is not actually available.

 God-in-law:     This model is similar to the god, but comes with
                 contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-wife a
                 spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid.
                 This model tends to generate grey hairs.
 
   Mr. Right:    The best all-around choice for most  boyfriend
                 situations. Has most of the characteristics of the
                 God except possibly in the wrong size or hair color.
                 Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
                 Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally
                 be found with luck.
 
   Babe:         This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
                 options.  Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive
                 powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or
                 for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term
                 boyfriend needs.
 
   Friend:       The model with the most empathy.  Caring and kind but
                 you have no desire to spend the night with it.  Availability 
                 is poor to fair, depending on quality.

   Yeah, Him:    The Ford Escort of  boyfriends.  Widely available, but
                 useful as a  boyfriend only in a pinch, if no others are
                 available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a
                 dull finish (and start).

Subject: Being proud of your son...???


These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning.  One is
detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their
children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the
homebuilding industry.  He began as a carpenter, but now owns his 
own design and construction firm.  He's so successful in fact, in the 

last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a 
gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his 
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.  
"He's so
successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two 
brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage.
And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock
portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that 
they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is 
in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned
out, he replies.  "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and
I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual.  But, on
the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a 
big pile of stock certificates."

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Do you remember junior high school? Do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?

Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

--First Base-   This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew
                thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
                kissing and sometimes not.
--Second Base-  Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, 
                or outside the clothes genital contact.
--Third Base-   Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
                partner.
--Home Run-     This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
                times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is OK, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

On Deck-   Having plans for a date
Strike-Out-   Duh!!
Walk-   Kissing
Bunt-   Masturbation
Single-   Tongue kissing  
Double-   Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
Triple-   Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run-   Oral Sex
Home Run-    SEX!
Ground Rule Double-   would have sex, but no condom
Error-   Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling-   sex without condom
Hall of Fame-   Marriage

Balk-   Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar-   KY jelly
Relief pitcher-   Vibrator
Rain Delay-   parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
Box Seats-   Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch-   Unusual positions
Rookie-   Virgin
Minor Leagues-   Under 18
Loaded Bases-   menage a trois
Grand Slam-   Sex three times in twelve hours
Foul tip-   VD
Three up and three down-   impotency

OLD WAY- we um got to third base I guess and then we um got like past
         third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home
         run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I 
         balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call
         in a relief pitcher.

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

"So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly... 'BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THE SIZE OF MY CUCUMBERS!"

   

            AMERICAN SEX LAWS CURRENTLY ON THE BOOKS

* In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to
shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

* It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse
during sex.

* In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting
or fishing on your wedding day.

* No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so
requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

* Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to
take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you - or
holding you in his arms.

* Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown - if
they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're 
safe from the law!)

* In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have
twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a
couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on
the floor between the beds!

* The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide
each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they
are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless
they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

* An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer!

* A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

* In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
(There was a civil service job - for men only - called a corset
inspector.)

* However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing
corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered
body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded
American male."

* It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious
officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind,
honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before
getting out of his car to investigate.

* Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing.

* Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they
are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

* In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked
vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has
drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

* A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you
can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

* Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio - a
man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

* No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the
boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a
sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

   

All male classes are prepared and presented by females only
and all female classes are prepared and presented by males.

SEMINARS FOR MALES

1.  Combating Stupidity
2.  You, too, can do housework
3.  PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
4.  How to fill an ice tray
5.  We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
6.  Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am
7.  Basic laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks")
8.  Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
9.  Get a life -- learn to cook
10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You -- The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake after sex
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if "It's" awake.  (formerly "Take a shower")
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break!  Why we know your excuses are bullshit
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism - Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too
29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson,
especially when naked!")
32. Changing your underwear -- It really works
33. The Attainable Goal -- Omitting "TITS" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary
35. Techniques for calling home
36.  Asking for directions - not a leading cause of death

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

1.  "Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"
2.  Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
3.  Elementary Map Reading
4.  Crying and law enforcement
5.  Advanced Math Seminar -- Program your VCR
6.  You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
7.  Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
8.  The Seven-Outfit Week
9.  PMS -- It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since
Puberty -- Deal With It)
10. Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
11. Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")
16. Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
17. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your
Side
18. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
19. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
20. We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
21. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
22. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the
embarrassment)
23. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
24. What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
25. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
26. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
27. Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
28. "To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"
29. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
30. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child
Healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?

Please sign up early.  Seats are very limited!!!

   

                        Dictionary of Dating
  
  
  ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular 
  person.
  
  LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT .....  what occurs when two extremely horny, but 
  not entirely choosy people meet.
  
  DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time 
  and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't 
  especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in 
  the future.
  
  BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as 
  swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and 
  dating repulsive men.
  
  EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who had the sexual morals 
  of a man.
  
  EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they 
  are interested in another.  Despite being advised to do so, many men 
  have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily 
  due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not 
  located in her chest. >
  
  FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which 
  makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
  
  INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is 
  interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
  
  INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do 
  all the talking.
  
  IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that 
  initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few 
  months together.
  
  LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is 
  directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
  
  NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more 
  often than he does.
  
  SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Three men stand before St Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today.

The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So St Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early form work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the jerk hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the bum - he landed in these bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he comes out with this hammer and smashes my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in these bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last - the last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

   

I was reading my animal behavior book, and came upon a picture caption 
which started : 

"Male copulatory eagerness in elephant seals is exploited by human 
researchers...."

Frankly I didn't think even scientists were that hard up for a date.

   

"Quoting from the American Heritage Dictonary"

WORD HISTORY: The obscenity fuck is a very old word, first recorded in 
English in the 15th century. Age has not dimmed its shock value, even 
though it is seen in print much more often now than in the past. 

Its first known occurrence, in a poem entitled "Flen flyys" written 
sometime before 1500, is in code, illustrating the unacceptability of the 
word even then. The poem, composed in a mixture of Latin and English, 
satirizes the Carmelite friars of Cambridge, England, with the title taken 
from the first words of the poem, "Flen, flyys, and freris," that is, 
"fleas, flies, and friars." The line that contains fuck reads "Non sunt in 
coeli, quia gxddbov xxkxzt pg ifmk." The Latin words "Non sunt in coeli, 
quia" mean "they [the friars] are not in heaven, since." The code "gxddbov 
xxkxzt pg ifmk" is easily broken by simply writing the preceding letter in 
the alphabet. As we decode, we must watch for differences in the alphabet 
and in spelling between then and now. For g write f; for x, v (used for u 
and v); d, c; b, a; o, n; v, t; xx, vv (which equals w); k, i; x, v; z, y; 
t, s; p, o; g, f; i, h; f, e; m, l; and for k, i. This yields "fvccant [a 
fake Latin form] vvivys of heli." 

The whole thus reads in translation: "They are not in heaven because they 
fuck wives of Ely [a town near Cambridge]."

This twelve-year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter, and says "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "don't you think you're a bit young for that?" he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your women."

The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about twenty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "she has to have active herpes."

The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." she responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about ten minutes."

Ten minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal...As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" the kid replies...

"When I get home, i'm going to fuck the babysitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the babysitter home and fuck her on the way. and when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and fuck. and tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will fuck him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog."

   

Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and his girlfriend Marie are having a 
pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.  It's a beautiful day and love
is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says:  "Pierre, kiss
me!".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red
meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.

So she says : "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her tits.

"Pierre, what are you doing?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat
I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear,  "Pierre,
kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles
it all over her bush.  He grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams,  "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go
down in flames!"

   


	For the guys, we need a top ten lines for dumping your girlfriend,
	gems such as:

	"Our long distance relationship just isn't working out."  (For
	 the sake of credibility, it helps to be living at least 10
	 minutes from her house when using this one.  If not, sabotaging
	 your own car and disconnecting your phone can sometimes be used
	 as a crutch.)

	"There's just no passion between us anymore."  (Translation:
	 You stopped putting out, just to see if I cared about more
	 than your body.  You can stop wondering.)

	"It's not working out.  We just come from different backgrounds."
	 (Tr: I'm finishing up my dual PhD in nuclear physics and
	 Teutonic languages, and you're still trying to pass freshman
	 english.  I want my children to have an intelligence somewhat
	 higher than a doped-up iguana.)

	"We've both grown, but we've grown apart." (Tr: In particular,
	 you've grown about 20 pounds heavier.)

	"We're just not getting along anymore." (Tr: I'm sick and tired
	 of putting up with all the annoying, quirky crap I used to think
	 was cute when we started dating.)

	"I'm still so young, I just don't want to get too serious right
	 now."  (Tr: The girl I really want to be with just went back on
	 the market.)

	"I'm not even sure if I'll ever get married." (Tr: Of course I'm
	 getting married someday, just not to you.)

	"My conscience won't leave me in peace.  I can't be with another
	 man's wife."  (Tr: You never told me that your husband and his
	 three brothers are all Marine snipers.)

	"Honey, I have to confess - I've been a Satanist for ten
	 years.  The Coven has asked me to offer you as a sacrifice to
	 prove my loyalty.  I can't bear to do that, so I'll just have
	 to break up with you."  (Caution: could backfire if used on the
	 wrong type of girl [a classic slutto- masochist, for example.])

	"My guns!!  My guns!!  Where the fuck are my damn guns!?!?
	 They'll pay for what they did to me, dammit!!   Let's see who's
	 laughing tomorrow.  They're all in on it, I tell you... every
	 friggin' one of 'em!!   But I'm on to 'em... and I'm on to you,
	 baby!!  You're all gonna pay.  Where are my damn guns!?!?"
	(Note: best results when shouted out loud in the middle of the
	 night.  Again, could backfire with a classic T&L (Thelma &
	 Louise) type I or IIa.)

	"It's time you knew - I'm gay."  (Very risky; depending on how
	 bad you want to get rid of her, french-kissing a drag queen may
	 be in order.  Not for the faint-of-heart.  May exacerbate the
	 situation if carelessly employed against a serious trendmonger
	 or Granola-ette.)

	"I'm broke.  Can I borrow some money?"  (Brutally effective
	 against Alpha-type golddiggers and moneygrubbus simplex.)

	"I haven't been blowing you off, I've just been busy."  (Tr: I
	 have been blowing you off, and you should've taken the hint
	 after 3 months.)

	"Sweetheart, this is my cousin Sven... Sven Hungstrom.  He
	 works for 'Chippendales.'  You two just hang out here in the
	 hot tub while I run down to the store.  Help yourself to
	 whatever you find in the liquor cabinet.  Whoops... looks like
	 I left all my good CDs in the car.  Hope you don't mind
	 listening to Ravel's 'Bolero' for a bit.  You two hold down the
	 fort, I'll be back in a while, depending on traffic."  (Note:
	 Any 'Chippendales' dancer with any experience in such matters
	 will charge a HEFTY fee for this service, so it's best to look
	 for a rookie who doesn't know what he's in for.  Just tell him
	 it's a quick, eh, shall we say ... 'in & out'-type job :)
	 SUCK-ER!!)

	Of course, there's always the more traditional means, such as
	putting out a hit on her, having her committed, "forgetting" to
	bring her back from a trip to Mexico, etc.  The tamer
	strategies (not returning calls/pages, locking her out,
	securing a restraining order, moving to a different state,
	plastic surgery) are seldom effective.  A tenacious psychobitch
	will pursue the object of her desire through locked doors,
	minefields, barbed wire, leech-infested swamps, and flaming tar
	pits.  It is generally considered most humane to have them put
	to sleep, or foist them on an unsuspecting male friend.  (The
	classic "Psychobitch switch.")  Statutes vary from state-to-
	state, making it advisable to check local ordinances before
	proceeding with any particulary inventive strategy for
	psychobitch exorcism, especially with regards to activities
	involving jello, firearms, green M&Ms, the internet, or cloven-
	hoofed farm animals.

A Kentucky farmer of advanced years took a lovely young bride. At first the marriage was very passionate and the couple made love frequently. One day the wife suddenly became disinterested in sex. The old farmer shrugged it off as moodiness but after a few weeks of nearly no sex, he began to worry.

After another few months had passed, the farmer started suspecting foul play, that maybe his wife was fooling around. So one day he left the tractor running out in the field and crept back to the house where he caught his wife and her young lover in the act.

While his wife and the young guy were scrambling for their clothes, the farmer fetched his shotgun and burst into the room. The understandably hysterical young man pleaded for his life. The farmer lowered the barrel and pointed toward the barn.

The farmer led the man at gunpoint out to the barn where he proceded to secure the man's "unit" in a bench vise. The farmer then welded the vise screw so it could not be loosened. The farmer pulled out a gleaming sharp bowie knife.

The man was screaming now and begging the farmer not to cut of his manhood. The farmer just smiled and handed the man the knife while he said "Oh, I'm not gonna cut it off. I'm gonna set the barn on fire."