Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 11:13:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  tell her yourself...

  You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base
in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
 
  Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately
impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

  The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted
the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a
full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.

  By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was
lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying
"you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the
rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such
a heading, and sent him on his way.

  The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna
showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane. . .only this
time there were two people in the plane.

  The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my
wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night."

Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 13:24:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  HCP/IP (geek joke)

HCP/IP protocols (hamster control protocols)

Broken Pipe.

  'I got a broken pipe error in netscape, what does that mean??'

  "Well, ma'am.  You see, our network consists of thousands upon thousands 
of Hamsters.  These hamsters are running thru hundreds of tubes with
either a '1' or a '0' strapped to its butt.  Somewhere in that vast
network of tubes and hamsters there is a tube that one of those Hamsters
managed to chew threw and all the other hamsters are following him out of
that hole.  We expect this hole to be patched up within the hour and the
escaped hamsters put back to their normal job."

Packet loss.

  Hamsters have a certain herding instinct.  Since of course, using one 
hamster to transmit information would be inefficient there are hundreds of
hamsters going back and forth in order to bring your webpage to your 
computer.  If one of those hamsters routes himself the wrong way the 
hamsters following behind may take that wrong route as well.

Pings, routers, and how this effects you.

  A router is kind of like an intersection.  And on high traffic hours of 
usage of the internet these 'intersections' can become grid-locked. 
Hamsters, though ours are very well trained, are inherently stupid 
creatures.  When a router has too much traffic the hamsters tend to 
smother themselves on each other and die, effectively disabling that 
router and potentially slowing down or even stoping service to certain 
areas.

  A ping is simply a way we have of testing ones connection.  A ping 
itself is simply one hamster traveling thru the tubes to get to your 
modem.  The more routers or 'intersections' that hamster has to go thru 
the more likely he is to become lost (this is how packet loss happens) 
Ping time is simply how long it takes that hamster to reach your modem and
back again.  Since no one hamster is really like any other not all ping
times are exactly the same even if they are going to the same place and
back.  The average ping time for a dial-up connection is about 200 to 250
miliseconds.

  "200 milliseconds?!  how does a hamster move that fast?!"

  If you are familiar with the concept of a potato cannon then you can 
probably figure out how this works.  However, those of you who are not 
familiar with backyard munitions we have prepared this simple explanation. 
The hamster tubes that we use are actually PVC pipe.  A thick and durable
plastic tube.  The Hamsters themselves are actually accelerated to great
speed thru these pipes with the use of air pressure. Approxamately 56psi.
(Yes, this is how we get the term '56k Modem'. Their are several different
types of power systems that can be used. Starting from your average
hairspray (standard 14.4) all the way up to Solid state CO2 (Dry ice) and
water which is our current means of accelerating the hamsters.

  Before the advent of hamster acceleration and the 14.4 modems there was 
anywhere between 200 and 1200 BOD modems.  At this time the general 
practice to increase connection speed was to simply get as many hamsters 
flowing thru the tube with out cloging either the tube or the router.

  "If this is the case, then how do highspeed connections like cable 
modems work?"

  High speed connections such as cable modems, DSL, and ISDN are 
high bandwidth means of information transmission.  Bandwidth is most
easily explained like this:  When you have a dial up connection you have
one pipe.  With higher bandwidth like cable modems you have mulitple pipes
doing the job of what would regularly be just that one pipe. You may also
notice that the ping times of cable modems are much lower than that of a
56k connection.  Around 50 milliseconds average.  The only way we have
managed to make this work is by ionizing the hamsters themselves, then
thru the use of magnetos, accelerating them past the speed of light.
Though there are certain nuclear physicists and quantum theorists out
there that would say this would not only kill the hamsters, but ultimately
shoot the matter they are made up of out of existence are totally
exaggerating. The hamsters are quite durable.

  This concluses our basic introduction of HCP/IP.  We hope this 
information will help you better understand of how the internet works. 
Thank you.

Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 10:55:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  investment opportunity?

  From time to time I speak with a pharmaceutical sales rep who is a 
friend of mine. The other day she told me of a drug that her company has
under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to
my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.
  The drug is called "Gingko Viagra," and its function is to help you 
remember what the fuck you are doing.

Date: Fri, 7 Apr 2000 11:51:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  who has that job again?

  The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and 
demanded a raise right then and there.

  "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than
the entire History department."

  "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the
coach blustered. "Look."

  He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the
hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. 

  Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. 

  "You're not there, sir," he reported.

  "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head.
"I would have phoned."

Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 11:40:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  suicide attempt

  Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the 
recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself
and join him in death.  Thinking that it would be best to get it over with
quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not
wanting to miss the vital organ, and become a vegetable and burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be.

  "On a woman", the doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left  
breast."

  Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her left knee.

Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 13:27:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: deception

  Miss Jones was a not too bright girl who had moved to Hollywood with
dreams of becoming a star. She didn't find fame or glory, but she did
encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms and
eventually she found herself named in divorce case.

  When it was her turn on the stand, the prosecutor came forward. "Miss
Jones, the wife of the defendant has identified you as "the other woman"
in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Dew Drop Inn
with Mr. Smith?"

  "Well, yes," acknowledges Miss Jones with a sniffle, "but I couldn't
help it."

  "Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer incredulously. "How's that?"

  "Mr. Smith deceived me."

  "Exactly what do you mean?"

  "See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel clerk I was
his wife."

   
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 12:25:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Spell your way to heaven

  After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the
Gates.  She saw a beautiful banquet table.  Sitting all around were her
parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before
her.  They saw her and began calling greetings to her- "Hello", "How are
you!  We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".  When Saint Peter
came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I
get in?"

  "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

  "Which word?", the woman asked.

  "Love."

  The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to
watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.  While the woman was guarding
the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

  "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said.  "How have you been?"

  "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were
ill.  And then I won the lottery.  I sold the little house you and I lived
in and bought a big mansion.  And my wife and I traveled all around the
world.  We were on vacation and I went water skiing today.  I fell, the
ski hit my head, and here I am.  How do I get in?"

  "You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

  "Which word?", her husband asked.

  "Czechoslovakia."

Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 11:22:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT

  Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent
tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered
into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was
trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining
equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines
stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca-Cola
fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon
prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries
exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Date: Fri, 14 Apr 2000 11:46:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Idea for new improved microwave oven

  Given the steady spread of embedded micro systems, I've got a great idea
for a new microwave oven, the marketing of which can piggy back on the
self improvement craze.

  In order to turn it on and get it to work, you must first answer a 
question. No stupid trivia questions, real questions like " A train leaves
Boston heading towards buffalo at 30KPH, a half hour later another train
leaves Buffalo at ... Do they collide in the switchyard at Syracuse?"

  If you get the question wrong the microwave refuses to work. After two
more tries, and two more questions, it'll give in and let you use it
anyway.

  After some number of consequetive failures, or say 30 - 300, depending 
on how tolerate you are, it'll work after the third failure, but it also
open up a hole in the shielding so the operator gets sterilized.

  Of course it'll reset the failure counter whenever the right answer is
provided.

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 10:47:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  aging and sex

  A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather
about sex. He asked how often you should have it. 

  His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it 
all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. 

  Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. 

  Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get
really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your 
anniversary. 

  The young fellow then asked his grandfather,"Well how about you and 
Grandma now?" 

  His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral 
sex?" the young fellow asked. 

  "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed 
in my bedroom. She yells, 'Fuck you', and I holler back, 'Fuck you too!'.

Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 11:56:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Top 15 Signs Your Website Was Hacked by Dumb Guys

The Top 15 Signs Your Website Was Hacked by Dumb Guys

15> They brag about stealing all the software off your site, 
www.freeware.com.

14> "Feedback on my hacking? E-mail me at the address below."

13> The end of their political message reads, "This hack best viewed with
Internet Explorer 4.0 or above."

12> HTML-impaired vandals resort to TP'ing your server.

11> After hacking in, improved security so much they felt compelled to
turn themselves in.

10> Their lone devious act of "vandalism" was to correct all your spelling
errors.

9> When eBay comes back online, the entire auction consists of a bunch of
Dungeons and Dragons crap being sold by four geeks in Poughkeepsie.

8> "GREG W. BUSH FOR PRESIDENT! GREG W. BUSH FOR PRESIDENT!"

7> The KKK logo they left uses white letters on a white background.

6> Pamela Lee has clothes on now.

5> "pHaNtOm" tried to disable your retail website by using his American
Express platinum card to purchase your entire inventory.

4> Today's topic looks a wee bit suspicious: "DA ToP5 R33ZUNZ Y DA S1LV3R
SURF3R PoSS3 RooLZ!!!!!"

3> Someone broke into your credit card database and stole 400,000 middle
initials.

2> Hacked into www.Playboy.com just to read the articles.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Website Was Hacked by a Dumb Guy...

1> Calls himself "Dr. Evil" and demands that he will unleash an attack on
the entire world and bring the internet to a screeching halt unless he
receives $100 "in small bills."

Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 09:50:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Why we need gun control - the Onion

[The Onion]  12 April 2000

Nation Shocked By Pre-Natal Shooting

ALBUQUERQUE,NM--Investigators are trying to determine what led an unborn
child to fatally shoot his twin with a .38-caliber revolver during an
altercation in their shared Albuquerque womb Monday.

      According to police, the twins' mother, Evelyn Alpert, 34, was
awakened at 4 a.m. by the sensation of a scuffle in her uterus, which she
dismissed as "routine kicking." Approximately 30 minutes later, Alpert heard
and felt three pistol shots.

      A subsequent forensic ultrasound revealed that the unborn
gunman--identified as a five-inch-tall male Caucasian of slight build with
no eyes or hair--shot his brother twice in what eventually would have become
his heart.

      After a tense four-hour standoff, the unborn gunman threw out his
weapon when police threatened to induce labor. Police spokesmen have denied
that the use of tear gas or forced C-section was ever considered. Alpert was
unharmed in the shooting, with two of the bullets lodging themselves in the
victim and the third passing harmlessly through the birth canal.

      The shooter has yet to emerge from the crime scene, but a
court-appointed lawyer has said that the fetus will surrender himself
peacefully upon his post-partum separation from Alpert sometime in early
October.

      "This whole tragic chain of events is hard to comprehend," Albuquerque
mayor Jim Baca said. "Where did we as a community fail these unborn boys?
Could their parents have done a better job of conceiving, carrying, and
pre-natally educating them? And how did the fetus get access to firearms?"

      Police officials say the shooter used a revolver registered to his
father, Lee Alpert, who may have left the firearm within reach of his
wife's womb. No charges have been filed against the man at press time.

      According to Albuquerque D.A. Eugene Billups, though the assailant is
legally recognized as a fetus, he will be tried as an infant. Pretrial
hearings begin next week, and ultrasound technicians will not be allowed in
the courtroom.

      "This is hard to take," Billups told reporters. "These kids were no
more than babies."

      Offering the Alpert family "my deepest sympathy and support in this
difficult time," President Clinton said he is redoubling his efforts to pass
tougher obstetric gun-control legislation.

      "Last year, I called upon Congress to require trigger locks on
handguns and place metal detectors at the entrance of every womb," Clinton
said at a White House press conference. "Such laws may well have saved the
life of that unborn child. I now ask Congress to do the right thing and pass
that legislation, as well as a measure extending the waiting period for
firearms beyond nine months. We must keep handguns out of the unformed hands
of our nation's fetuses."

      The fetus, following the advice of his attorney, has offered no
comment on the shooting.

© Copyright 2000 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.  

Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2000 10:57:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "Snobbery is alive and prospering in Washington, where pretending to be 
better than you really are is the point of being here."
  -- Wesley Pruden, editor in chief, Washington Times

Date: Fri, 21 Apr 2000 11:38:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  auto humor

  Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, 
the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for
his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly
behind the newly minted driver.

  "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those 
months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,"
said the beaming boy to his ol' man.

  "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your 
seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."

Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2000 10:28:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  blonde joke

  A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached
the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all
over the road?" 

  The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had 
an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I
swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved
to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" 

  Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer 
replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener.

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2000 12:10:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Adam and Eve

  Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage. He never had to hear about the men 
she could have married and she didn't have to hear about the way his
mother cooked...

Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2000 11:08:09 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  computerized equipment

  The world's first fully computerised airliner was ready for its maiden 
flight with out pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area
automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out
automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. 

  The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane 
taxied toward the runway. 

  "Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman," a voice intoned as the airplane 
lifted off. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerised
airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back
and relax. Nothing can go wrong........nothing can go wrong......nothing
can go wrong......" 

Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 10:58:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  telephone pole installation

  A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a 
new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day. The crews were
gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.

  The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had
installed. The reply was eleven.

  The foreman patted the guy on the back and said, "Not bad." Then he went 
to the leader of the next group and asked him the same question. Two was
the reply.

  "Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed eleven!" 
The foreman exclaimed angrily.

  "Yeah," the leader answered, "But you should have seen how much they 
left sticking out!"

Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 12:09:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  tampon shopping

  Two little boys go into the grocery store.

  One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from
the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

  The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

  The nine year old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."

  Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your
sister then?"

  The nine year old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

  The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for
your sister, who are they for?"

  The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

  The cashier is surprised. "Your four year old little brother???"

  The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one
of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do
either."