April 2001...
Date: Mon, 2 Apr 2001 15:51:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Quote of the day...
"...2001 is already shaping up to resemble a Stanley Kubrick film. The
sad part is that the Kubrick film is Full Metal Jacket."
-- Paul T. Riddell
Date: Tue, 3 Apr 2001 08:19:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: .sig OTD
Never trust a monothiest advocating diversity.
Date: Wed, 4 Apr 2001 08:29:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the
rest of your life." -Michael Sinz
Date: Thu, 5 Apr 2001 10:05:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: stupid question OTD
from the reader's Q&A column in TV Guide:
"If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses
from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
Date: Fri, 6 Apr 2001 08:43:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: kitty fun
Cat Haiku
To all you cat lovers...
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
And that will show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.
I need a new toy.
Tail of a black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore me
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.
Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a term paper?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around.
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps wake the dead.
I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! My Big One
has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue.
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp...
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much."
Litter box not here
You moved it on me again
I'll crap in the sink
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 08:31:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Defense Strategy
David was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him
on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've
looked carefully at the defendant.
Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had
a quart of whiskey he would sell it?"
He was acquitted.
Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 08:42:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Doing our best
Dear God,
So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my
temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have
not whined, bitched, cursed or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on
my credit card.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need
a lot more help after that.
Amen.
Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 09:54:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Jesus is coming to dinner
This evening, the doorbell rang. We live in a predominantly Jewish
suburban neighborhood of single family houses, a demographic fact known
far and wide. I opened the door and was greeted by a nicely dressed man.
"I have come to bring Jesus to your home," he said.
I reacted almost immediately and asked, "Is he coming for dinner?"
The man said, "He will come any time you are ready."
Aha, I had a live one. "Well, tonight we're having a stir fry. Does
Jesus like chicken?" I asked. The man's eyes glazed slightly. "I don't
know if he still keeps kosher, after all these years," I continued, "but
this is a kosher home, so he'll be able to eat."
The man fumbled into a briefcase and handed me a printed brochure, which
I ignored. "If he wants to daven Mincha [say the afternoon prayer service]
before he comes, the shul [synagogue] is only three blocks from here," I
said.
He gulped, "What?"
I repeated my statement and added, "You mean Jesus Christ, don't
you?" He nodded. I continued, "Born in Bethlehem?" He nodded and started
to back away from my door. I smiled and said, "If that's the guy, he's
Jewish." As he started to turn away, I said, "You're invited too, but no
butter on your dinner roll," and the guy almost ran down the walk.
My wife asked me who was at the door and I told her, "Some friend of
Jesus."
She knows me. She shrugged. "And did you invite him in?" she asked.
I nodded, "Sure. I invited him and Jesus to dinner, but the guy ran
away."
She walked back into her office, and said over her shoulder, "You don't
speak Aramaic, dummy. Jesus would have a lousy evening here."
I told you, she knows me. I forgot all about the language problem.
[Note - originally written by Leon Schwarzbaum (wordswords@att.net)]
Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 06:49:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Politically Incorrect But It Will Make You Laugh
On NBC's "Tonight" show, Jay Leno says: "On Sunday, President Clinton
dedicated a new school in India and named it after his wife. It's the
Hillary Rodham Clinton School. Quite a place. In fact, it's the only
school in the world where, when you cheat, they look the other way."
Date: Mon, 16 Apr 2001 12:20:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Easter
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter
Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting
the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was
hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the
Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was
dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of
the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man
what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny
and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I
do? "
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She
went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the
limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the
little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up
the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on
down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around,
waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped
another 50 yards and waved again!!!!
The man was astonished.
He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What
was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2001 09:53:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I
thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible
things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I
take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the
universe."
-- Marcus Cole to Dr. Franklin, in "A Late Delivery from Avalon" BABYLON 5
Date: Thu, 19 Apr 2001 08:40:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: cell phone etiquette
As promised, a real-life tale from commuter rail. Background to this is
that my Toyota Pisajoonck recently completed its entropic transition to
paperweight status, and so I'm once again taking the train in to work.
The specific train I take Tuesday through Friday arrives at Beverly
Depot at the ungodly time of 5:40 a.m. So there I was last Friday, hauling
my sorry butt onto the train, sitting said butt down and opening a book,
intending to bury my nose for the 45-minute ride to North Station.
As the train pulled out of Beverly, a middle-aged guy sitting diagonally
to my right, one row up, pulled out a cell phone, punched at it, and then
started to converse. Loudly. I can't replicate it, because it was
lawyer-speak and because it was so very early in the day that I was just
too stunned and fuzzy-brained to believe this guy was doing what he was
doing. He was discussing the intricacies of some case or another and was
just unbelievably LOUD. He continued all the way to Salem. The train
stopped, took on more passengers, and resumed; this guy never paused.
I noticed at some point that in addition to being obnoxiously loud, he
had a really irritating vocal tic (though at that hour most any tic by
definition is irritating): Whenever the (equally obnoxious) person on the
other end of the line said something, Our Lawyer would respond,
"Yup-right," really as a single word, and launch into his
analysis. Yup-right. Yup-right. I was despairing of a really unpleasant
commute.
Then something wonderful happened. The guy sitting opposite me, directly
behind the chatty lawyer, sat up straight, pu his right thumb to his right
ear and his right pinky in front of his mouth, and started
talking. Loudly. He was about 30, in khakis, polo shirt and sneakers,
unshaven--just another bleary-eyed commuter. And him I can replicate. He
said, "HI! IT'S ME! YEAH! YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS! I'M SITTING
BEHIND THIS JERK OF A LAWYER ON THE ROCKPORT TRAIN, AND HE'S SCREAMING
INTO A CELL PHONE! YUP- RIGHT! I DON'T THINK HE KNOWS WHAT AN IDIOT HE
SOUNDS LIKE! IT'S NOT EVEN SIX IN THE MORNING, AND HE'S DISCUSSING A
CASE! EVERYBODY CAN HEAR HIM! DO YOU THINK HE'S STUPID OR JUST RUDE?"
At this point, the lawyer shut up and turned around to kook, wide-eyed,
at the guy sitting behind him, pretend phone to his ear, making fun of
him. My Hero never stopped: "HEY! HE'S TURNING AROUND! HE'S LOOKING AT
ME! MAYBE HE'S GONNA HANG UP THE GOD-DAMNED PHONE AND LET US RIDE IN
QUIET! YUP-RIGHT! I GUESS I'LL HANG UP TOO! TALK TO YOU LATER!" And he put
the "phone" down.
For a moment, the car was very, very quiet. Then the lawyer turned
around, picked up his phone and started talking again, just as loud as
before. Safe to say that all of us in the car were united in our
disbelief. But without hesitation the guy behind him had his hand/pretend
phone back in service: "HOLY CHRIST! HE'S TALKING ON HIS PHONE
AGAIN! DOESN'T HE KNOW I'M GONNA KEEP DOING THIS FOR AS LONG AS HE KEEPS
TALKING? HE DOESN'T THINK I'M GONNA GIVE HIM ANY PEACE, DOES
HE? YUP-RIGHT! DOES HE THINK I CAN'T DO THIS ALL THE WAY TO NORTH
STATION? I'VE HARDLY BEGUN! I CAN GET LOUDER! I REALLY CAN!"
By this time, there was appreciative laughter to be heard. Mr. Lawyer
put down his phone, turned around and glared at Mr. Pretend Phone, who
stared right back, keeping his hand up to his ear and mouth, which I
thought was pretty humorous. Mr. Lawyer said, more as a statement than a
question, "You think you're smart." Mr. Pretend Phone barked back, and I
quote, "Sittin' behind you makes me look like a f---in' genius." That's
the point at which the laughter and clapping became general.
Evidently having acquired a clue, the lawyer picked up his phone,
murmured a goodbye, put it away and slumped low in his seat. Pretend Phone
Guy said into his hand, "HEY! HE PUT HIS PHONE AWAY! I WILL TOO! BUT IF HE
STARTS UP AGAIN, SO WILL I!" And then he put down his "phone" and sat
back. The rest of the ride was blessedly quiet. It wasn't till later that
I wished I'd had the presence of mind to ask Pretend Phone if I could use
his unit when he was finished.
Date: Fri, 20 Apr 2001 08:29:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: lawyers
A successful lawyer parked his new Lexus in front of his office. As he
got out, a truck passed too closely and tore off the door on the driver's
side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911.
Within minutes a cop pulled up. The lawyer started screaming
hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up, was now
ruined. When the lawyer finally calmed down, the cop shook his head in
disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are. You are so focused
on your possessions that you don't notice anything else," said the
officer.
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must
have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
Date: Mon, 23 Apr 2001 08:26:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: geek QOTD
"Never understimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes."
Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2001 11:08:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: the bear, the frog, and the rabbit
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He
had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally
ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out
to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog
and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to
grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you
have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this
forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog
and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the
neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and
the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with
which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there
was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the
world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said
"I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.
Date: Wed, 25 Apr 2001 08:37:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Turner Brown
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big
huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at
him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, a 3 pound
left testicle, a 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".
The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude
kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking
him. "What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guys says, "Excuse me, but what did you
say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face, figured I'd
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet
tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, a 3 pound left testicle, a 3 pound right
testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guys says, "Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn around'".
Date: Thu, 26 Apr 2001 09:32:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: A-pun-dant Humor
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes
for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, whom they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her
about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting
half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name
for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam
said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten
potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become
a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be
skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out
for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the
Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the
straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon
Golds. Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato
University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
In spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced
she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. "Tom Brokaw!" Mr. and Mrs. Potato were
very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because
he's just a...
...Common Tater...
Date: Thu, 26 Apr 2001 15:39:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
election. -- Otto Von Bismarck
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 10:31:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: license plate
seen yesterday evening:
White modern Ford LTD Crown Victoria LX extended Station Wagon, plate:
MOBY VIC
Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 10:26:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Military Pay
sarcasm is a form of humor... and this one OOZES...
-----
Apparently, On 12 Jan, Ms Cindy Williams wrote a piece for the
Washington Times denouncing the pay raise(s) coming service members' way
this year, citing that the stated 13% wage gap was bogus. A young airman
from Hill AFB responds to her article below.
Ms. Williams:
I just had the pleasure of reading your column of 12 Jan 00, "Our GIs
earn enough," and I am a bit confused. Frankly, I'm wondering where
this vaunted overpayment is going, because as far as I can tell, it
disappears every month between DFAS (The Defense Finance and Accounting
Service) and my bank account. Checking my latest leave and earnings
statement (LES), I see that I make $1,117.80, before taxes. After taxes, I
take home $874.20. When I run that through Windows' Calculator, I come up
with an annual salary of $13,413.60 before taxes, and $10,490.40 after.
I work in the Air Force Network Control Center (AFNCC), where I am part
of the team responsible for the administration of a 25,000 host computer
network. I am involved with infrastructure segments, specifically with
Cisco Systems equipment. A quick check under jobs for Network Technicians
in the Washington, D.C. area reveals a position in my career field,
requiring three years experience with my job. Amazingly, this job does NOT
pay $13,413.60 a year, nor does it pay less than this. No, this job is
being offered at $70,000 to $80,000 per annum. I'm sure you can draw the
obvious conclusions.
Also, you tout increases to Basic Allowance for Housing and Basic
Allowance for Subsistence (housing and food allowances, respectively) as
being a further boon to an already over-compensated force.
Again, I'm curious as to where this money has gone, as BAH and BAS were
both slashed 15% in the Hill AFB area effective in January 00. Given the
tenor of your column, I would assume that you have NEVER had the pleasure
of serving your country in her armed forces. Before you take it upon
yourself to once more castigate congressional and DOD leadership for
attempting to get the families in the military's lowest pay brackets off
AFDC, WIC, and food stamps, I suggest that you join a group of deploying
soldiers headed for Saudi- I leave the choice of service branch up to
you.
Whatever choice you make, though, opt for the SIX month rotation: it
will guarantee you the longest possible time away from your family and
friends, thus giving you the full "deployment experience." As your group
prepares to board the plane, make sure to note the spouses and children
who are saying goodbye to their loved ones. Also take care to note that
several families are still unsure of how they'll be able to make ends meet
while the primary breadwinner is gone - obviously they've been squandering
the vast piles of cash the DOD has been giving them. Try to deploy over a
major holiday; Christmas and Thanksgiving are perennial favorites. And
when you're actually over there, sitting in a DFP (Defensive Fire
Position, the modern-day foxhole), shivering against the cold desert
night, and the flight sergeant tells you that there aren't enough people
on shift to relieve you for chow, remember this: trade whatever MRE you
manage to get for the tuna noodle casserole or cheese tortellini, and add
Tabasco to everything.
Talk to your loved ones as often as you are permitted; it won't nearly
be long enough or often enough, but take what you can get and be thankful
for it.
You may have picked up on the fact that I disagree with most of the
points you present in your op-ed piece. But, tomorrow from Sarajevo, I
will defend to the death your right to say it. You see, I am an American
fighting man, a guarantor of your First Amendment rights and every other
right you cherish. On a daily basis, my brother and sister soldiers
worldwide ensure that you and people like you can thumb your collective
nose at us, all on a salary that is nothing short of pitiful and under
conditions that would make most people cringe.
We hemorrhage our best and brightest into the private sector because we
can't offer the stability and pay of civilian companies. And you,
Ms. Williams, have the gall to say that we make more than we deserve?
Rubbish!
A1C Michael Bragg
Hill AFB AFNCC
Thanks for looking!
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