Date: Mon, 1 Apr 2002 04:55:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  ouch!!!!!!!!

  While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I
remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my
high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly
discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply
lined face was too old to have been my classmate.  After he had examined
my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

  "Yes," he replied.

  "When did you graduate?" I asked.

  He answered, "In 1957."

  "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

  He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 05:13:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Golf, from the caddy's point of view

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer:  "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

AND the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "This isn't my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Date: Thu, 4 Apr 2002 09:20:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  political humor

"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this - he's worth $300 million, he
has five wives and 26 kids...and he hates Americans for their 'excessive'
lifestyles."
* David Letterman

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve
the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
* Jay Leno

"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin
Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. This guy inherited
$80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through
construction, smart stock buys and gas & oil investments. This way, he can
use the money in his war against capitalism."
* Jay Leno

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration."
* Jay Leno

More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden.  You know, he never
sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton."
* Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three
words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his
money, and he'll be dead in a week."
* Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters.
Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic."
* Conan O'Brien

"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number
three."
* David Letterman

"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this
town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
* Jay Leno

"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to
manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing
outside a water-treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here,
it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until
1 every day.'"
* Jay Leno

"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers
Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken
for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this promotion?
What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put THAT in a box."
* Jay Leno

"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that
have badly misspelled words. Man, this is terrible news for the rap
industry."
* Jay Leno

"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken
restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking
high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
* Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update

"Tomorrow night on NBC, a very special episode of West Wing makes a direct
reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept
top secret. We're the only country in the world where we put our battle
plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret."
* Jay Leno

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk
with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word
Jihad."
* Jay Leno

"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's
be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali,
arrive at the airport extra early."
* Jay Leno

Date: Fri, 5 Apr 2002 11:18:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  veternarian's revenge

  One hot July day, we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to
the vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet decided to
keep her for a day or so, and said he would let us know when we could
come and get her. My husband, the complaining type, said "OK, but don't
forget to wash her, she stinks.

  My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby
El-Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El-Take-O. The next day, hubby had an
appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The
doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor (many of our
friends and neighbors). The door opened and in popped the vet and
announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She
now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God only
knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door..

Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2002 05:24:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  question of the day

If you have sex with your own clone, are you gay or are you masturbating? 

Date: Tues, 9 Apr 2002 07:21:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  ouch 

  It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my
upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

  "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee
please!!"

  I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in
my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

  Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up
to the men's tee."

  I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man
yelled:  "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee,
PLEASE!"

  I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window, directly
at the person with the mic, cupped my hands and shouted back, "Would the
person in the clubhouse kindly shut up AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!?!"

Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 05:16:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  seniors personal ads

  In retirement communities, the "Personal Ads" for "older folks" have
become rather long. These ads are already in vogue in Florida, and Arizona.

  Here is a Sampling...

  FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion conscious, blue haired beauty, 80's, slim,
5'-4" (used to be 5-6), Searching for sharp looking, sharp dressing
companion. Matching white shoes, and belt, a plus.

  LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:  Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
looking for Someone to round out a six unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath, not a problem.

  SERENITY NOW: I am into Solitude, long walks, Sunrises, the Ocean, Yoga
and Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.

  WINNING SMILE:  Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flossier, to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel
candy.

  BEATLES OR STONES?  I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you
were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and
listen to my boss collection of eight track tapes.

  MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

  MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn't run but walks
well.

Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 08:34:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  flight attendant

  A guy sitting at the bar at Pearson Airport noticed a beautiful woman
sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she
must be a flight attendant, but which airline does she work for?"

  Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and
it shows?" She gave him a blank, stare and he immediately thought to
himself, oh shit, she doesn't work for Delta.

  A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned
towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same
confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines
off the list.

  Well, maybe it's United so he tried, "I would really love to fly your
friendly skies".

  This time the woman barked back at him, "Man, what the heck do you
want?"

  The man smiled, "Aahhh, Air Canada!"

Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 09:10:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  word remakes

  Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2001 winners!

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the litterature:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole (anyone you know?)

Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 05:36:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  mushrooms

  A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the
fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your
first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 17:44:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.

Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 05:00:31 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement."
-- Richard J. Daley

Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002 09:06:09 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  golf balls

  A man enters a bus, with his pockets full of golf balls, and sits down
next to a blonde. The blonde keeps looking quizzically at him and his
bulging pockets.  Finally, after many such glances from her, he says,
"It's golf balls."

  The blonde continues to look at him; thoughtfully and finally she
asks,....

  "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 08:45:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again."
-- Marvin The Paranoid Android

Date: Mon, 22 Apr 2002 05:20:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Art is either plagiarism or revolution."
- Paul Gauguin

Date: Tue, 23 Apr 2002 05:25:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  weird bumper sticker OTD

"Guns kill people the same way that spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat."

Date: Wed, 24 Apr 2002 06:09:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "We build our computers the way we build our cities -- over time,
without a plan, on top of ruins."
-Ellen Ullman

Date: Thu, 25 Apr 2002 14:48:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Survivor

  Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its
own, entitled Survivor, Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas,
travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to
Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, onto El Paso, then to
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to
Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

  Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm
gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate
your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!

Date: Fri, 26 Apr 2002 08:50:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Report from a Chili Taster...

classic one for your Friday...

-----

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:

  "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else
wanted to do it.  Also the original person called in sick at the last
moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came.  I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted.

Here are  the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.  Hope
that's the worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who  wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when
they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me
on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm
getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish  or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300
lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

 JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
 JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and  garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally.  I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of  chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is  covered  with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit
to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed  me.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.  Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither  mild nor
hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number
3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.  Not sure if
he's going to make it.  Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report )

Date: Mon, 29 Apr 2002 06:26:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

Old timer, n.: One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.

Date: Tue, 30 Apr 2002 06:54:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so
little to recommend it."
-- Allan Sherman