Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2003 08:26:16 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Production of useful work is limited by the laws of thermodynamics, but
the production of useless work seems to be unlimited."
-- Donald Simanek

Date: Thu, 3 Apr 2003 08:45:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  from Dave Barry

  The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
cities.  Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
difficult to park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which
are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is
the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES.  You're
allowed to do anything.  You can drive as fast as you want in any
direction you want.  I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car
was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a
tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to
me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being
that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither.  This kind of
reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots.
                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

Date: Fri, 4 Apr 2003 08:18:04 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on when
it's necessary to compromise."
-- Larry Wall

Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2003 08:11:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  book QOTD

  "Have you ever read science fiction? Mainstream literature is about
Being. For character studies, it's probably the best genre around; but
nothing happens, nothing changes. Imaginative literature is about Doing.
About making the future, not just bemoaning it. We'll all be living in the
future by and by. Some of us like to scout ahead."
-- Thor, from "Fallen Angels" by Niven, Pournelle, and Flynn

Date: Tue, 8 Apr 2003 08:28:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Quote of the Night

"We don't want to damage too much of the infrastructure because, in a few
days, we're going to own that country."

Tom Brokaw, NBC News, 21:59 Hours, 03/19/03, talking to retired generals as
sporadic anti-aircraft fire explodes over Peter Arnett's head in Baghdad

Date: Wed, 9 Apr 2003 08:28:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  France vetoes EVERYTHING!!

FRANCE VETOES CHEMICAL WEAPONS FIND
Chirac Vows to Say No to Everything, Forever

  Just moments after U.S. Special Operations forces discovered what
appeared to be a 100-acre chemical weapons plant south of Baghdad, French
President Jacques Chirac appeared on national television to announce that
France was vetoing the discovery.

  "The United States may think they have found a chemical weapons plant,
but I say, no, they haven't," Mr. Chirac said. "And they can't make me say
they have."

  Throughout his speech, an unyielding Chirac said that no matter what the
U.S. finds in Iraq in the future, he would use his "super-veto powers" to
nullify any discoveries they might make.

  In just one example of his intentions, the French President said that
even if the U.S. produced a videotape of Saddam Hussein launching a
nuclear missile tipped with chemical and biological weapons, he would veto
that tape "without batting an eye."

  "Veto, c'est moi," Chirac added.

  Turning his attention to the NCAA basketball tournament, the French
President said he was "rejecting" the results of the weekend game between
Maryland and Xavier, adding that Xavier, not Maryland should be on the
road to the NCAA championship.

  "Contrary to reports that Maryland defeated Xavier 77-64, I maintain
that in fact Xavier triumphed over Maryland, 108-62," Chirac said.

  In Washington, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer called Mr. Chirac
"delusional," adding, "It's kind of sad."

  But within minutes, President Chirac offered a spirited response,
saying, "Who is this Ari Fleischer? I say he does not exist."

Date: Thu, 10 Apr 2003 08:12:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "The French and the Russians can show their dedication
to rebuilding Iraq by forgiving the debt that Saddam Hussein owed them."
-- Sen. John McCAIN, R-Ariz.

Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2003 08:36:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  funny article from the beginning of the war

Tony Parsons expounds

The latest from Tony Parsons, United Kingdom Columnist: Mar 17 2003

  I HOPE that the continent of Europe never again needs help from the
United States of America. I hope that there's never some murderous little
tyrant - another Hitler, another Milosevic - that Europe needs help in
taming. I hope that there's never some economic catastrophe that requires
American dollars to make it right, as they did at the end of the Second
World War.

  I hope that the euro experiment works. I hope that all those
peace-loving souls in Belgium, Germany and France can somehow muster an
army to protect themselves.

  I hope that the continent I live on never again needs to go cap in hand
to the Americans.

  Because if that black day ever comes, I have the feeling that America
might just tell Europe where to go.

  On the eve of war, there is a tangible anger in America. But
surprisingly little of it is directed against the Iraqis. It is the French
who are detested. "This is all about oil," the Brits hear all the time.
And Americans think it is "all about oil" too. The $50 billion worth of
oil contracts that France has with Iraq. In American eyes, that is why the
French are so keen to avoid war. Anti-French feeling in the United Kingdom
is never more than a passing fancy, a jokey bit of "hop-off-you-Frogs"
banter. Not in America.

  THE cafeteria in the House of Representatives no longer serves French
fries - chips to you and me, guvnor. Now they sell something called
"freedom fries". That sounds nuts - and of course it is. But when a
furious Congresswoman presents a "bring home our dead" bill demanding that
the 75,000 American men and boys who died in France during two world wars
be dug up and brought home, you realize that this is more than
"hop-off-you-Frogs" banter.

  Congresswoman Ginny Brown-Waite says, "The remains of our brave
servicemen should be buried in patriotic soil, not in a country that has
turned its back on the US and on the memory of Americans who fought and
died there."

  That's the difference between the British and the Americans.

  We do not feel that the British casualties in two world wars died to
liberate the French. We believe that we were fighting for our nation's
survival. Just like the Russians. It is different for Americans.
Throughout the 20th century, through two world wars and one Cold War,
America gave all the blood and money Europe needed to keep it free. They
feel that the current crisis has proved that Europeans are, when all is
said and done, an ungrateful bunch of Euro "Brats" (I edited the original
descriptive noun.) who do not give a flying baguette about the 75,000
American graves in Europe.

  Anti-European feeling goes right across the board of public opinion,
even among the millions of Americans who are passionately against
attacking Iraq. America is united in feeling betrayed by Europe. America
is finally starting to understand that - to Europe's eternal shame - there
is an opinion that 9/11 was America's comeuppance.

  Secretaries and waiters leaping from the top of the burning twin towers?
The fault of American arrogance.

  A terrified four-year-old girl cowering at the back of a hijacked plane?
Blame it on America's support for Israel. A stewardess with her throat
slit by a carpet cutter? One in the eye for American imperialism. Those
3,000 dead, murdered on live television? Europe blames America. When 9/11
happened, you might have expected to see Palestinians dancing in the
street. But who would have expected the grim look of satisfaction on the
faces of old Europe? But the British are absolved of Europe's sins. Those
who are against the war admire Britain because we had a peace march where
one million people filled the streets. Those for the war admire Britain
because Tony Blair has been a true friend to America. And although the man
on the M25 might make jibes about Blair being a "poodle", among American
hawks our Prime Minister is seen as dangerously strong-willed.

  THERE is a school of opinion in America that believes the war could have
been over by last Christmas if Tony Blair had not been so keen on
proceeding through the correct diplomatic channels. Nobody calls Tony
Blair a poodle in the USA. It has been good to be British in America these
past few weeks. For America has been reminded that Britain is the best
friend it has in the world, joined by blood, language, history, instinct
and culture. When will the British wake up from their pathetic little
dreams of being Europeans and realize that we have been looking for our
future in all the wrong places?

  Who wants to be European today? Who wants to be an ungrateful,
unprincipled, two-faced, pacifist, Euro-grasping, oil-hungry Lilliputian?
No matter what happens over the coming days and weeks, it is true what
they say. The English Channel is far wider than the Atlantic.

Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 07:58:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  spin control...

  Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his
blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as
everyone had said.

  "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with
Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over,
shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump
through."

  The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul
made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony
railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

  "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

  "To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to
me."

Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2003 08:07:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open
doorway with an open mind."
-- E.B. White

Date: Wed, 16 Apr 2003 08:00:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity."
-- General Douglas MacArthur

Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2003 08:23:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The idle mind knows not what it is it wants."
-- Quintus Ennius

Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2003 08:02:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  short thought

  Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women.

  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all
right."

  And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble.

Date: Mon, 21 Apr 2003 08:43:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

  Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," or "Murder
With Mallets Aforethought." -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.

Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2003 08:18:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  solutions...

  An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia,
sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush
in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in
Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming
the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

  However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they
are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be
released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

  As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's
my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you
one wish before your whipping."

  The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back."

  This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding
and crying with pain.

  The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could
only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman
was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

  The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything,
the Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of
the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this,
you may have two wishes!"

  "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman
replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give
me not 20, but 100 lashes."

  "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave". The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it
to be?" the Sheik asked.

  "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2003 08:06:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Miss Manners says... again!

  The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.

  It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners has been
known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, in
her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two under
the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the sight of people
strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a city
considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking umbrellas
at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of activity that
frightens the horses on the street ...

Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2003 08:15:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Indiana and Camry humour

Man with 5 calves in Toyota Camry jailed

Associated Press
Apr. 24, 2003 05:50 PM

KIMMEL, Ind. - Those Toyota Camrys must be bigger than they look. Police in
Indiana say the 1996 model can carry six -- one human and five calves.

Officers in Noble County say they stopped the human, who was driving, on
outstanding warrants. They say the man apparently had just come from a
livestock auction where he bought the calves.

Since the driver was taken to jail, officers had to take the passengers to
the humane society. Extra officers had to be called in to handle the calves.

The calves are in good health and were moved to a farm.

Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 13:43:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD 

  "I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents
become better people as a result of practicing it."
-- Joe Mullally, computer salesman

Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 08:08:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it from
charity, or revenge?"
-- Gustave Vapereau

Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2003 08:30:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
-- George Carlin