Date: Thu, 1 Apr 2004 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"So I'm ugly.  So what?  I never saw anyone hit with his face."
-- Yogi Berra

Date: Fri, 2 Apr 2004 09:02:12 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  silly one

  From an olde Irish Leprechaun...

  A water bearer in the Connemara mountains who lived near the lake had
two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across
his neck.

  One pot had a crack in it, while the other was perfect and always
delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the
stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

  For years this went on daily, the bearer delivering only one and a half
pots of water to his home. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its
accomplishments, for which it was made.

  But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and
miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been
made to do. After a few years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure,
it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream...

  "I'm ashamed of myself, as the crack in my side causes water to leak out
all the way to your home."

  The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only
on your side of the  path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because
I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your
side of the path.  Every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For
two years I have been able to  pick these beautiful flowers to decorate
the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this
beauty to grace the home."

  Moral:  Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But
it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so
very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for
what they are, and look for the good in them.

  For that reason this Irish lass would like to say...

  Blessings to all my crackpot friends.

Date: Tue, 6 Apr 2004 05:41:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
-- Woody Allen

Date: Wed, 7 Apr 2004 05:39:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Haig Quote

"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that
would be clearly understood."
-- Alexander Haig

Date: Thu, 8 Apr 2004 05:46:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  gravestone etching

Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this;
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
Stop, traveler, and piss.
-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh

Date: Fri, 9 Apr 2004 05:44:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed."
-- Josh Billings

Date: Mon, 12 Apr 2004 05:37:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
society."
-- Mark Twain

Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 05:37:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"MS Outlook, the exploding Pinto on the information superhighway."
-- Sean Donelan

Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 05:44:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Oxymoron

Oxymoron
Definition: A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory
terms are combined.

EXAMPLE:

"Oxymoron" - Removing the Ten Commandments from the courthouse while
making people swear "to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth, so help you God" on the Bible in court rooms.

Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 05:38:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Modern cyberspace is a deadly, festering swamp, teeming with dangerous
programs such as "viruses," "worms," "Trojan horses" and "licensed
Microsoft software" that can take over your computer and render it
useless."
-- Dave Barry

Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 07:36:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Texas Politics

Don't know how true, but funny nonetheless...

-----

In Texas, we're proud to have the best politicians that money can buy. For
your delight and edification, here are some fine quips and quotes from some
of our most notable politicians. The following are actual quotes from
(actual) Texas politicians:

1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go
into the state treasury.

2. "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic." Texas Rep. Renal Rosson.

3. "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
armadillos." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.

4. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" Texas House Speaker Gib
Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.

5. "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a  person
who can create one." C. Greene.

6. "No thanks, once was enough." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he
had been born again.

7. "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim
Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying
Spanish.

8. "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole
lot."  Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge
that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.

9. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room." Texas Governor Bill
Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.

10. "I am filled with humidity." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

11. "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that
man's head." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing
then-President George Bush's policies.

12. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to
listen" Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.

13. "I move we recess to go outside and throw up." Texas House Speaker Gib
Lewis during a budget hearing.

14. "This is a real competitive business." A gas station owner, when asked
to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded.

15. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." Law standing in
Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.

16. "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." Texas House Speaker
Wayne Clayton.

17. "Let's do this in one foul sweep." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.

18. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." Texas House Speaker Gib
Lewis.

19. "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished
yourselves this session." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

20. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." Texas
House Speaker Gib Lewis.

21. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." Texas House
Speaker Gib Lewis.

Date: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 05:41:05 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather
than surrender any material part of their advantage."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 07:53:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  History of Math Instruction

The most humor in this one is that it keeps growing with the years...

HISTORY OF TEACHING MATH

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar.

Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M".
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you
think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation.

After answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel
as the logger cut down the trees?  There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2004:
A Tyco salesman sells a truckload of toys for $10,000.
The cost of production is $12,000.
How do the owners determine that they lost $6,000?

Date: Wed, 21 Apr 2004 07:32:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the
mouth by Miss Congeniality."
-- Phyllis Diller

Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 07:39:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Wedding bells or alarm siren?

  Anne told Bess, "I called the local insane asylum the other day to see
who escaped from there recently."

  "Really?  Why do you wonder about that?"

  "Well, SOMEBODY married my ex-husband last month... "

Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 11:47:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  time off for good behavior?

  A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.  She
finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

  "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"

  The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when
we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

  "Yes, I do." she replies.

  The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

  "Yes, I remember..." said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.

  The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?"

  "I remember that, too." she replied softly.

  He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out
today..."

Date: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 07:35:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people
waiting to abuse me."
-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"

Date: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 07:39:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns."
-- The Godfather

Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 07:45:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about
surviving until Friday afternoon."
-- Sir Humphrey Appleby

Date: Fri, 30 Apr 2004 07:37:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  How The Internet Is Like A Penis

* It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think
that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it
for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.  Sometimes it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.

* It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.

*  If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.

* It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behavior.  Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I
do that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't.

* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.  They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.  They think it
gives them power. They are wrong.

* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.  Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.