April 2005...
Date: Fri, 1 Apr 2005 08:16:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"If little else, the brain is an educational toy."
-- Tom Robbins
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 2005 09:00:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: best of the April Fool's messages I saw this year...
From: EFFector list
Date: April 1, 2005 3:57:48 PM EST
Subject: EFFector 18.11a: Diebold, Choicepoint to Offer Voting Technology
Reply-To: EFFector list
EFFector Vol. 18, No. 11.a April 1, 2005 donna@eff.org
A Publication of the Electronic Frontier Foundation
ISSN 1062-9424
In the 10,001st Issue of EFFector:
* Diebold, Choicepoint Partner to Offer Innovative Voting Technology
* Ninth Circuit Establishes One-Point Journalist Test in Apple Case
* RIAA Lawsuits Draw to a Close
* FCC to Adopt Narrowcast Flag Rule at MPAA, RIAA Request
* Acacia Sues Blizzard Customers for Infringement of "Troll" Patent
* Gilmore Welcomes New Era of Trusted Computing
* MiniLinks (6): What DRM Is Good For
* Administrivia
For more information on EFF activities & alerts:
To join EFF or make an additional donation:
EFF is a member-supported nonprofit. Please sign up as a member today!
Tell a friend about EFF:
: . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . :
* Diebold, Choicepoint Partner to Offer Innovative Voting Technology
Alpharetta, GA - Diebold Election Systems and Choicepoint, Inc., today
announced a joint venture that could revolutionize the voting market. The
concept is simple: combine Diebold's demonstrated expertise in voting
systems with Choicepoint's superior data-mining techniques to produce
PredictaVote(TM) - the first 100 percent voter-free, predictive voting
system.
"The beauty of this approach is that it is self-correcting," explained
Choicepoint CEO Derrick Sithe. "If someone wants to increase the chances
that his or her vote will be counted correctly, the voter simply needs to
open up more of his or her life to our data-collection methods. Apply for
more credit cards. Register for more grocery loyalty cards. Purchase
more subscriptions. Fill out more warranty cards. Compare that to
today's paperless e-voting machines, where voters have no way to determine
whether votes are accurately counted. There's really no comparison."
Even more impressive than its accuracy is its cost-effectiveness, say
company spokespersons. PredictaVote caps a decade of innovation and
strategic thinking at Diebold, explained Diebold President and CEO Ollie
O'Sell. "Elections have historically been ridiculously expensive
undertakings. Who's to blame? Quite simply: the voter. Accounting for
everything from allowing employees time off to vote to ensuring the
accuracy and security of the machines, elections drain an average of $12
billion from the American economy every year in the form of manufacturing
costs and lost productivity. With PredictaVote, all of these problems go
away with the voter."
Company officials conceded that a number of design choices had yet to be
finalized, but emphasized that all predictive factors were customizable on
a jurisdiction-by-jurisdiction and demographic-by-demographic basis.
Immigrants and the homeless, for example - i.e., those without extensive
credit histories - will be excluded from final vote tallies or be subject
to additional invasive investigatory procedures, said Choicepoint's Sithe.
"This approach seems to be working well for us in our airport screening
algorithms, and we see no reason that it wouldn't work here."
AP article:
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* Ninth Circuit Establishes One-Point Journalist Test in Apple Case
San Francisco, CA - The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals today intervened in
a controversial case to resolve the pressing issue of who is entitled to
California reporter's shield laws and the reporter's privilege under the
federal First Amendment. In Apple Computer v. Zebest, the Court
determined that the Internet service provider (ISP) for blogger Max R.
Zebest cannot be forced to divulge the names of Zebest's confidential
sources for a series of articles about forthcoming Apple products.
"Historically, the relevant question is whether the author had the intent
to use the material - sought, gathered or received - to disseminate
information to the public and whether such intent existed at the inception
of the newsgathering process," wrote Judge Stephen S. Trott in the
opinion. "But in an era when anyone with a computer and Internet
connection can publish to the world, the key distinguishing factor is
whether the author was wearing pants."
The Court looked to the example of blogger/journalist Jeff Gannon,
explaining, "When Mr. Gannon was lobbing softball questions to the
President on behalf of Talon News, he was acting just like any other
member of the White House press corps and, critically, he was wearing
pants. In Mr. Gannon's other Internet publishing endeavors, however, he
did not wear pants, and his activities therefore fall outside the
boundaries of journalism."
The Court remanded the case for a determination of Mr. Zebest's attire
while carrying out research, writing, and posting of articles revealing
that the next generation of Macintosh computers would be named "G6."
Zebest's attorney, EFF Staff Attorney Kurt Opshal, expressed optimism for
his client's chances on remand. "As the record will clearly show, pajama
pants are simply one of many variations on the pant theme."
For this release:
: . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . :
* RIAA Lawsuits Draw to a Close
Washington, DC - The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) this
week announced that its litigation campaign against American filesharers
will now end. Explained RIAA President Cory Shoreman, "In short, we sued
'em all. All 70 million, plus their parents, grandmothers, and roommates,
have been properly brought to heel, for settlements ranging from between
$3,000 and their entire net worth."
Shoreman continued, "The only logical result is that a properly chastened
nation will now herd - peacefully, without protest - into the local malls
to purchase from dusty, bulging shelves a dozen copies each of $18 Ashley
Simpson copy-protected CDs."
"Why a dozen? Why, one CD for every RIAA-designed, government-approved
listening device, of course! And then on top of that you've got to buy
duplicates for back-ups in case any of them get scratched."
Twirling his moustachios and straightening his top hat, Shoreman chortled,
"And they said the recording industry would never adjust to the Internet
era!"
For this release:
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~ FCC to Adopt Narrowcast Flag Rule at MPAA, RIAA Request
Washington, DC - Reacting to concerns from the music and movie industries
that many consumers do not purchase CDs or attend movies when they've
heard negative reviews in advance, the Federal Communications Commission
(FCC) has issued a Notice of Proposed Rule Making (NPRM) regarding the
"Narrowcast Flag." The flag, to be inserted into unencrypted spoken
audio, would have to be recognized and implemented by specialized
hearing-blocking devices to be implanted in every human ear.
"Unauthorized negative reviews have had a devastating effect on the
profitability of media," said Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA)
spokesman B.G. Mogul. "Just think about 'Troy' or 'Battleship Earth.'"
Under the proposed rule, flag-recognition devices would be implanted in
newborns at birth. These devices would create an annoying but non-lethal
buzzing sound when they recognized that a consumer was attempting to hear
a description or review that a studio owner had marked as "do not
redistribute." The FCC says it recognizes the legacy problem that many
currently existing consumers will not yet have the blocking device, but
says many can be induced to "upgrade" by the promise of free movie tickets
and CDs. Further, says the MPAA's Mogul, "those consumers will soon have
aged out of our prime target audience."
Public interest groups EFF, Public Knowledge, and the American Library
Association are already planning to challenge FCC's jurisdiction. "We
thought it was bad when they claimed the right to regulate washing
machines, but this is Plainly absurd," said EFF's mascot, Peppercorn the
Chinchilla.
For this release:
: . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . :
* Acacia Sues Blizzard Customers for Infringement of "Troll" Patent
Newport, CA - Acacia Research Corporation announced today that it has
filed a new round of patent infringement lawsuits against users of online
technology. The suits focus on a newly acquired Acacia patent entitled "A
method for extracting financial payment from unaware victims by lying in
wait," more commonly known as "being a troll." Specifically, the suits
target the users of Blizzard Entertainment's popular "World of Warcraft"
Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game who have chosen to play
members of the Troll race.
"Acacia has invested heavily in researching and developing modern troll
techniques. We cannot allow these lawless rapscallions to steal our
patented methods and other valuable intellectual property," said Acacia
CTO Ima Gonnaclubya. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go hide under a
bridge."
In response, Blizzard has filed a countersuit against Acacia based on
violations of its "click-through" website agreements. "If you read the
0.6 point type of Section XXIV.A.9.f(1)(iii) of the agreement, you can
clearly see that by using your lungs to breathe while surfing the
Internet, you agree that we r00l!!1," gloated Leet Hax0r, Blizzard Legal
Overlord. "That means you're not even *allowed* to sue us - or any of our
customers, either! LOLROTFLMAO!!"
CNET article:
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* Gilmore Welcomes New Era of Trusted Computing
San Francisco - EFF co-founder and board member John Gilmore today
announced that he will no longer use GNU/Linux machines, and that,
henceforth, he will purchase only Microsoft software and will neither
support nor be involved with any organization that does not adopt and
immediately implement a plan to convert to Windows-only systems.
"I've given a great deal of thought to the concept of 'trusted computing,'
and I have come to realize that computers are far too powerful tools to
allow their unfettered use," said Gilmore. "There must be a trusted,
centralized authority to closely monitor and gently-yet-firmly control
what people do with their own computers. Otherwise, mere anarchy reigns."
Reaching down to straighten the laces of his shiny, black square-tip
oxford shoes, Gilmore added, "Besides, you can't fight City Hall, and in
the world of personal computing and the Internet - c'mon, guys, let's face
it - Redmond is City Hall."
Gilmore spoke from San Francisco International Airport, where he submitted
to a full-body search, provided complete documentation of his financial
and medical records, and gave blood samples for a new national DNA
database before being issued a requested "Trusted Traveler" ID card.
For this release:
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* miniLinks
miniLinks features noteworthy news items from around the Internet.
~ What DRM Is Good For
Preventing space aliens from getting Earth secrets without paying:
~ Major Labels Give Artists Health Insurance
RIAA member-companies also promised matching contributions to their
musicians' 401(k) plans:
~ New Passport to Shout Personal Info at Passersby
The new "audible RFID" technology will make the documents much easier to
read by immigration officials and that dude over there in the trench coat:
~ Ex-FCC Chairman Michael Powell Launches Pirate Radio Station
"DJ Mic-Power" is using his newfound free time to broadcast Post-Punk
classics from a Chevy van parked outside Commission headquarters:
~ Doctorow Sends DMCA Takedown Notice to Parody Site
Hey - whatsa matter? Even we have our limits, you know:
(Importance Of...)
~ Siva Vaidhyanathan Fires Blog Co-Author Ann Bartow
Explains Siva, "I have asked Ann Bartow to refrain from posting any more
to Sivacracy.net. Basically, she was detracting from the mission of this
blog: the pure and unadulterated promotion of me, Siva Vaidhyanathan":
: . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . :
* Administrivia
EFFector is published by:
http://www.eff.org/
Møøse trained by TUTTE HERMSGERVORDENBROTBORDA
Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT
Møøse Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL
Møøse Choreographed by HORST PROT III
Miss Taylor's Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
Møøse trained to mix concrete and sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG
Møøses' noses wiped by BJORN IRKESTOM-SLATER WALKER
Large møøse on the left half side of the screen in the third scene from
the end, given a thorough grounding in Latin, French and "O" Level
Geography by BO BENN
Suggestive poses for the Møøse suggested by VIC ROTTER
Antler-care by LIV THATCHER
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 2005 09:45:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research,
would it?"
-- Albert Einstein
Date: Wed, 6 Apr 2005 08:39:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest."
-- Mark Twain
Date: Thu, 7 Apr 2005 08:39:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of
zeal, well meaning but without understanding."
-- Louis Brandeis, Olmstead v. United States, 277 U. S. 438,479 [1928]
Date: Fri, 8 Apr 2005 07:31:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Finer Points of Law
http://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/index.html
Finer Points of Law
(1) Sergio Segundo Ruiz, 60, was hospitalized with multiple injuries in
Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, in January after being hit by a car while crossing
a busy street, but he was nevertheless charged with interfering with
traffic, and a police officer was stationed outside his room poised to
arrest him as soon as he is well enough to leave.
(2) In January, a judge in Breda, Netherlands, officially ruled that a
46-year-old bank robber, who stole money worth the equivalent of
US$8,400, could only be charged with a crime worth about US$6,100 because
the court had to let the man offset the equivalent of US$2,300 that he
paid for his gun, as a legitimate business expense.
[Associated Press, 1-27-05] [Daily Telegraph (London), 1-26-05]
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 2005 08:29:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch."
-- Benjamin Franklin
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 08:59:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: on my 40th birthday...
...only one thing to quote. Enjoy your day!
-----
"A Pirate Looks at Forty"
Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call,
Wanted to sail upon your waters
since I was three feet tall.
You've seen it all, you've seen it all.
Watch the men who rode you,
Switch from sails to steam.
And in your belly you hold the treasure
that few have ever seen, most of them dreams,
Most of them dreams.
Yes, I am a pirate - two hundred years too late.
The cannons don't thunder, there's nothin' to plunder
I'm an over forty victim of fate
Arriving too late, arriving too late.
I've done a bit of smugglin'
I've run my share of grass.
I made enough money to buy Miami,
But I pissed it away so fast,
Never meant to last, never meant to last.
I have been drunk now for over two weeks,
I passed out and I rallied and I sprung a few leaks,
But I've got to stop wishin',
Got to go fishin', I'm down to rock bottom again.
Just a few friends, just a few friends.
(Instrumental)
I go for younger women, lived with several awhile
And though I ran away, they'll come back one day.
And still could manage a smile
It just takes awhile, just takes awhile.
Mother, mother ocean, after all these years I've found
My occupational hazard being: my occupations just not around.
I feel like I've drowned,
but I won't wear a frown...
Feel like I've drowned,
Gonna head uptown.
--Jimmy Buffett
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 08:56:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: It must be spring, right?
http://www.wineloverspage.com/oxford/scouting.phtml
Scouting wines
© by John Juergens
For thousands of years we humans have relied on a variety of celestial
events to mark time and to guide our activities. Considering the
uncertainties and vagaries of life in ancient times, it is understandable
why many people came to regard the heavenly bodies with reverence, and, in
some cases view them as gods. They were among the few things people could
count on.
The vernal equinox came and went right on schedule March 21, but I
suspect few of us gave it any thought. After all, it doesn't have any real
implications for our busy lives. But there is another event that occurs
every year at this time with almost equal celestial precision that affects
the lives of millions of people: The arrival of Girl Scout Cookies.
Yes, these addictive little treats have become as ubiquitous and
anticipated as the first daffodils and Japanese Magnolia blossoms. When
the cookies arrive you know that Spring is upon us, daylight savings time
is right around the corner, and the Great Watchmaker has the correct time.
Without a doubt, I think Girl Scout Cookies, a.k.a. GSCs, can be
classified as a comfort food, even though they are a far cry from the
original. Few people are alive that can remember a time when the cookies
were not a part of the American landscape, and I think they deserve a
place among those other icons of our great country, baseball, apple pie,
and mom.
At this time of year it is almost impossible to walk into someone's home
and not see at least one box of GSCs on the kitchen counter; more likely
there will be two to four different varieties lined up. And because I have
a highly motivated, entrepreneurial scout living in my household, I and
many of my friends are now awash in cookies. Consequently, none of us have
to put a lot of thought into what is for dessert these days.
In my ongoing quest to find new and interesting wine and food pairings,
I decided to explore wines that might make good companions for the range
of GSCs now available, as opposed to the obvious choice, milk. As you
might recall, the rule of thumb for pairing wines with foods is likes
attract, that is, tart wines with tart or acidic foods and sweet wines
with sweet foods. Although it might seem counterintuitive, when combining
a sweet wine with a sweet food, you don't perceive double sweetness. The
sweetness in the food tends to cancel the sweetness in the wine and you
generally are left with fairly intense fruit flavors from the wine and
enhanced food flavors.
True dessert wines contain a high concentration of residual sugar, that
is, sugar left over after the fermentation process, which can be anywhere
from ten to twenty percent or higher. For reference, White Zinfandel wines
usually have about 2.5 percent residual sugar, so dessert wines are very
sweet.
I routinely run into people who say they hate dessert wines, but when I
probe a little I usually learn that what they are referring to are not
classic dessert wines made with highly concentrated grape essence imbedded
in an elegant balance of sugar and acidity, but just some inexpensive
syrupy concoctions of fruit flavors and alcohol. And, as with table wines,
certain kinds of dessert wines go with certain kinds of dessert foods, and
some combinations can be just plain awful.
In lieu of buying every possible dessert wine available in town - these
things tend to get a little pricey - I selected several wines that I
thought might be representative of the class, including a German Riesling,
a Washington State Late Harvest Riesling, a sparkling Asti Spumante (made
from Muscat Canelli grapes), and a port. (A can of Michelob Ultra somehow
found its way into the tasting, but it was not an official candidate.)
Along with a group of brave friends, I tried each type of GSC with each
of the wines, which was something of a challenge. Not everyone had the
same appreciation for some of the combinations, but there was fairly good
consensus within the group. Here are the results.
a.. Shortbread: Okay with the Spumante but terrible with the Rieslings and
port.
b.. Animal Treasures: Okay with the Spumante and port, because of the
chocolate backside.
c.. Peanut Butter Patties: Great with the Spumante, but not with the
other wines.
d.. Lemon Pastry: The Spumante and Washington State Late Harvest Riesling
brought out nice, bright lemony flavors, but the German Riesling made the
flavors explode as if we were sucking on lemon drop candy.
e.. Peanut Butter Sandwich: Very nice with the Late Harvest Riesling.
f.. The Iced Berry Pinatas: Good with the Spumante and the port.
g.. Thin Mints: Very nice with the Spumante and both Rieslings, but best
with the Michelob Ultra, unofficially.
h.. Caramel deLites: Unfortuantely, someone ate all the deLites before we
could match them with a wine. But my palate intuition tells me they would
go very well with the Spumante and other Muscat Canelli based dessert wines.
There probably were better wines to use for this exercise. For example,
the Rieslings weren't quite sweet enough to offset the sweetness in some
of the cookies. So if you are going to try this at home, I would
recommend things like Vin de Glaciere Muscat by Bonny Doon, Moscato d'Oro
by Mondavi, or one of those other concentrated dessert wines that comes
in small bottles. Ask the wine store workers for assistance in locating
these wines.
While this was fun and educational, to a point - the sugar load after at
least eight cookies times four wines became a bit overwhelming - I doubt
we will ever see these wine recommendations as "serving suggestions" on
the back of the cookie boxes. I'm just thankful that like Santa Claus, the
Easter Bunny, and the vernal equinox, the Girl Scout Cookie truck comes
around only once a year.
March 2005
Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 08:55:05 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: bumper sticker OTD
"I can't always be a ray of fucking sunshine."
Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2005 07:25:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?"
-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 2005 08:02:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"There is more to life than increasing its speed."
-- Mahatma Gandhi
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 09:06:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would be
fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies."
-- Frances Rodman
Date: Wed, 20 Apr 2005 08:41:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: problem scalability
Did you hear that 2 rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they've only
recaptured 116 of them?
Date: Thu, 21 Apr 2005 11:27:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war,
you can only be killed once."
-- Winston Churchill
Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 08:10:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is
something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
-- Albert Einstein
Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 08:41:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Prairie Home RADIO MYSTERY THEATER:"The Unitarians Rapture"
Mystery Saturday, May 1, 2004
Listen
(CHORDS)
TR: RADIO MYSTERY THEATER. (FOOTSTEPS. DISTANT WOOFS. OWL)
SS (ADENOIDAL CHILD): Mister?
GK: Who are you?
SS (ADENOIDAL CHILD): Melissa.
GK: Where's your family?
SS: I don't know. They just went away and left me behind.
GK: Left behind?
SS: Uh huh.
GK: Any idea where they went?
SS: No.
GK: They didn't say anything?
SS No.
GK: Suddenly they were just gone?
SS: Yes.
GK: Is your family Baptist?
SS: Yes.
GK: Are you thinking the same thing I'm thinking?
SS: (WEEPILY) Yes.
GK: You're thinking maybe they were raptured.
SS: (WHISPER) Yes.
GK: I guess we could look around and see if there are other saved people
here-----
SS: Okay.
GK: Do you see people carrying a black leather-bound King James Bible
with a concordance and a little yellow ribbon to mark where you are in
your daily Scripture reading? Do you see any WWJD bumper stickers?
SS: No.
GK: How about people with their eyes closed and their hands in the air?
See any of those?
SS: No.
GK: How about people with little crosses on chains around their necks?
SS: Just Catholics.
GK: Oh. Well, let's go straight to the top. Just a sec. (DIALING BEEPS.
PHONE RING AT OTHER END. SECOND RING. THIRD RING. FOURTH RING. PICK UP)
TR (BUSH, ON PHONE): Hello----
GK: Mr. President?
TR (BUSH, ON PHONE): Yep. George W. Bush, Speakin. How you all doin tonight?
GK: Calling from Nashville, Mr. President. Has the Rapture taken place yet?
TR (BUSH, ON PHONE): Well, according to the intelligence that's been
provided to me, there is no sign of any rapture-related activity though
of course we are keeping a close eye on prophecies as they are being
fulfilled and as the signs of the Last Days accumulate and----
GK: Okay, thank you, Mr. President. Let's try Billy Graham, see if he's
there. (DIAL BEEPS, RING) (PICK UP)
TR (BILLY GRAHAM, ON PHONE): A very blessed good evening to you---
GK: Reverend Graham, this is you, right?
TR (BILLY GRAHAM, ON PHONE): Yes. Praise the Lord.
GK: Good. Just checking.
TR (BILLY GRAHAM): We read in the book of Revelation, chapter 10, and
verse 14-----
GK: Okay. Thank you very much. Just checking. Let's call the Vatican.
(PHONE DIAL BEEPS, RING, PICKUP)
TR (ON PHONE): ITALIAN
GK: Your Holiness?
TR (ON PHONE): ITALIAN FOR "YES, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?"
GK: Has the Rapture taken place?
TR (ON PHONE): ITALIAN FOR "WHAT?"
GK: The Rapture.
TR (ON PHONE): ITALIAN IN RAP RHYTHM TO SFX BASS, PERC
GK: No, no----- not rap----- the Rapture!
TR (ON PHONE): ITALIAN FOR "SORRY, I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER" (CLICK)
GK: Let me make another call. (DIAL BEEPS, PHONE RING, TWICE, THREE,
FOUR. THEN CLICK. THEN---
SS (MIDWESTERN, RECORDING): Thank you for calling the
Unitarian-Universalist Church in America. Nobody is here to take your
call so please leave a message and we will return your call as soon as
possible. If you're signing up for the committee on housing and urban
ministry, press ----- (TRUMPET, DISTANT, OVER PHONE) Oh my gosh. All my
clothes just fell off and I'm going up into the air------ (DIAL TONE)
GK: The Unitarians. Gone?
SS (GIRL): Oh, I see my folks---- there they are! Hi mom!
GK: Let me turn on the radio----
FN (RADIO ANNC): Meanwhile, in Boston, hundreds of men and women who
were protesting the war in Iraq suddenly disappeared, according to
eyewitnesses, leaving their clothing lying in the street, all of which
was made from natural materials by native people and had political
slogans written on it, as well as Native American jewelry ---- (RADIO DIAL)
GK: Let's see what Rush has to say........
TR (RUSH): FRENCH
GK: Rush is speaking in tongues and the Unitarians have been raptured.
Why? They don't want salvation, they want closure. If a Unitarian
ascends to heaven and no one is around to see it, did it actually
happen? Maybe we'll find out next time on-----
(CHORDS)
TR: RADIO MYSTERY THEATER. (FOOTSTEPS. DISTANT WOOFS. OWL)
Date: Tue, 26 Apr 2005 08:58:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: personal recommendation
Dear Tide Company,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and
generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another
and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried
to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come
out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid
Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of
the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives
who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were
negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be
considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I
thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I
have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 2005 09:20:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
This just in from Baghdad, home of the Whopper! Yes, the Army & Air Force
Exchange Service's newest Burger King opened in the International Zone
recently and proudly announced that "the new BK" was serving "80 Whoppers
an hour."
This apparently beats the world indoor record set by the Bush
administration during the prewar WMD briefings.
-- Al Kamen, Washington Post
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/04/24/AR2005042401065_2.html
Date: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 08:39:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants."
-- General Omar N. Bradley
Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 07:48:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: British hospitality...
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and
occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat
with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area.. big, stately
residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO
PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of
Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." I'm very
sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO,
and I just can't find a public toilet."
Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there,"
points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the
cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really
decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?" "No sir",
replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...