April 1998...
From - Thu Apr 02 10:32:59 1998
Subject: humor: Dear Abby
I don't usually read Dear Abby, but these excerpts are worth the
investment in time...
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could
be Lebanese?
Curious
Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure
this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
with him.
Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?
Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every
week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?
I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send
him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and
he IS a doctor.
Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to
give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
Carol
Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a
ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a
baby this big be that early? Wondering
Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget
it.
Dear Abby,
I know boys will be boys, but my boy is seventy-three and he's still
chasing women. Any suggestions?
Annie
Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but
if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't
afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.
Dear Abby,
What inspires you most to write?
Ted
Dear Ted, The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with
no bad habits. Rose
Dear Rose, So would I.
Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Bess
Dear Bess, Night and Day!
From - Fri Apr 03 10:09:14 1998
Subject: humor: Modern Game Review: Chess
I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry on this one... :)
I guess the problem is, I could see someone writing this...
-------------------------------------------------------
Chess
The latest offering in the rapidly overflowing strategy genre is hard
evidence that strategy games need a real overhaul, and fast. Chess, a
small-scale tactical turn-based strategy game, attempts to adopt the
age-old "easy to learn, difficult to master" parameter made popular by
Tetris. But the game's cumbersome play mechanics and superficial depth
and detail all add up to a game that won't keep you busy for long.
Chess casts you as king of a small country at war with a rival country
of equivalent military power. There is little background story to speak
of, and by and large the units in the game are utterly lacking any
character whatsoever. The faceless, nondescript units are dubbed
arbitrarily such labels as "Knight" and "Bishop" while their appearance
reveals nothing to suggest these roles. To make matters worse, the units
on both playable sides are entirely identical aside from a simple color
palette swap. The setting of the conflict is equally uninspiring and
consists merely of a two-color grid so as to represent the two warring
factions. Adding insult to injury, there is only one available map - and
it's pathetically small, an 8x8 matrix (Red Alert maps are up to 128x128
in size). The lack of more expansive battlefields makes Chess feel like
little more than an over-glorified Minesweeper.
In a definite nod to Tetris, Chess eschews any kind of personality and
styling in order to emphasize its supposedly addictive gameplay.
Unfortunately, that gameplay is severely lacking. For one thing, there
are only six units in the game. Of those six, two are practically
worthless while one is an overpowered "god" unit, the Queen. She's your
typical Lara Croft-esque 1990s "me, too" attempt to attract the fabled
gaming girl audience from out of the woodwork to help solidify a
customer base for a game that simply cannot sell itself on its own
merits. The Queen can attack in any direction and she is balanced solely
by the fact that both sides are equally equipped with only one.
Otherwise, the functions of the six Chess units feel entirely arbitrary.
For instance, Rooks can only move in horizontal lines, unable to attack
enemies at diagonal angles; yet Bishops can move diagonally, but not
horizontally. The result is a frustratingly unrealistic effort at
creating balance and strategy where there is, in fact, very little of
either element to be found. Inexplicable pathing problems also plague
Chess - the irritating Pawns can only move straight ahead, but for some
reason or other they attack diagonally. Worst of all, your units are
always deployed in exactly the same fashion. While there might have been
some strategic element involved in cleverly deploying one's troops
around the undeniably constricted map, the designers saw fit to enforce
a "rule" about how the game should be set up. In the end, Chess matches
may often go on for a great length of time because your Pawns always
begin in front of your more useful forces, thereby blocking them off.
Only two players can compete simultaneously, thus severely limiting
any play life to be found. There is only one gameplay mode - no capture
the flag or team play - and that involves the two players taking turns
moving their units one by one. The moment a player's King is threatened,
that player is placed in a state of "check." At this point, the player
must defend his King with whatever means are available. If he cannot
defend his King, he is defeated. Yawn. All units are killed by a single
hit, so even a lowly Pawn can be instrumental in defeating an opponent
if you plan accordingly. While the artificial balance of forcing
equivalent deployment for both sides turns Chess into something of a
battle of wits, the turn-based play is poorly paced and never really
picks up speed until halfway through a game, if then. And half the time,
because of the limited troops available (and no resources with which to
purchase more), matches end in disappointing stalemates.
This game attempts to accredit itself by virtue of its tactical play
mechanics. Yet those mechanics are tedious and difficult to grasp and
exacerbate Chess's other numerous failings. In fact, should you actually
memorize all the infuriating little rules governing how the game is
played, you'll find yourself growing weary of it all in short order.
There's just no payoff to a properly executed game, because the
restrictions on the units mean there's a "right" way to play. Thus no
real variety can exist between competent players. The sluggish
turn-based nature of Chess bogs the package still further and renders
this strategy game an irreverent exercise in wasted time for all but the
most die-hard turn-based strategy enthusiasts. It's more than likely
that Chess, due to its self-conscious though not entirely elegant
simplicity, will garner a small handful of fans. But in light of this
game's boundless oversights and limitations, there is no chance it could
ever enjoy the sort of success that makes games like Westwood's C&C: Red
Alert and Blizzard's Warcraft II the classics they are to this day.
From - Mon Apr 06 10:51:18 1998
Subject: humor: from an AOL staffer...
If AOL Were A City
- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
- You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
your yard.
- 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
special offers, promotions and discounts from
www.xrated-pictures-R-us.com.
- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.
- The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
- The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of
those brutal toe stubs.
- If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important to us".
- Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
plate and laugh behind your back.
- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
it's really the Earth's fault.
- The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal
land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary
funds.
- Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU
DO WANT A AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The voice then
replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".
- A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2
patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of
PkZip 2.04g.
From - Tue Apr 07 09:54:46 1998
Subject: humor: The Things I Will Do if I Am ever the True Love
OK... We have had the Evil Overlord, Daughter of the Evil Overlord, the
Henchman, the Sidekick, and the Hero Guides... so, in fairness, here is
the manual for the True Love:
----------------------------
There is a distressing tendency in adventure fiction for the Hero's
True Love to be nothing more than a trophy. She gives the hero
some-thing to aspire for, and gives the Evil Overlord someone to use as
a hostage, but that's it. In the typical story she spends most of her
time waiting around for the Hero to rescue her. If she had some kind of
useful skill, she might be able to avoid capture, or effect her own
escape in a way that does not depend on womanly wiles.
The True Love is that category of protagonist whose main role is that
of live interest for the hero or heroine. This does not preclude
military skills, but then against it doesn't preclude the True Love from
being an architect, painter, chef, etc.
DISCLAIMER: The use of masculine/feminine pronouns and assignment of
gender roles is not intended to preclude a reversal of gender roles. It
is, however, intended to offend those who think that Ted Kennedy has
done more for women than the person who discovered chocolate.
1. I will never take a vow to marry only someone who can defeat me. I
will learn of those laws which limit my marriage options and work
towards their repeal. I will decided when and who I marry, thank you
very much.
2. I will not freeze in terror in the presence of monsters or servants
of the Evil Overlord.
3. If I have a friend who never seems to be around when the Hero shows
up and clobbers the Bad Guys, I will draw the appropriate conclusions.
4. If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that
he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel
base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change clothing,
equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel
base.
5. If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is
imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute
little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away
with many cute little sidekicks.
6. I will obtain skill in unarmed combat, so that I can kick Bad Guys
between the legs, and put my elbow into the Evil Overlord's solar plexus
when he uses me as a human shield. I will not, however, attempt to
tackle a Bad Guy bare-handed as long as more practical alternatives
exist.
7. I will obtain skill in armed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord
and the Hero are engaged in mortal combat, I can grab some dead
henchman's weapons and help tilt the odds in the Hero's favor.
8. I will obtain skill in the use of my legs and feet, so that I can
actually run from one place to another without tripping over every
shadow, crack, and pebble along my path.
9. If the Evil Overlord tries to force me into marriage, I will insist
on a ceremony so expensive that it will debilitate his industrial
capacity. I will be picky about the tiniest details of the ceremony and
change my mind frequently so that the resulting delay will give the Hero
more time to rescue me.
10. My own sidekicks will be picked for brains, not looks.
11. Since liberated women are still allowed to have it both ways, I will
not rule out using my womanly wiles to defeat the Evil Overlord. Even if
it only works on Stupid Bad Guys, it never hurts to try.
12. After being forced into a compromising situation, I will not grab a
weapon from the Bad Guy and toss it to the Hero when he walks in; I will
instead grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and use it on him myself, before
the Hero walks in.
13. Likewise, if I catch the Hero in a compromising situation with
another woman, I will give the Hero the benefit of whatever doubt might
reasonably exist.
14. When the Evil Overlord forces me to help betray the Hero, I will
make a show of resistance and then feign capitulation. I will then use
whatever resources are placed at my disposal to screw the Evil Overlord
(in a metaphorical sense, of course).
15. My clothing and footwear will always be appropriate for the
occasion. It will enable me to run, climb, and fight, and will hide as
large an assortment of personal weaponry as is practical. It will also
protect me from frostbite and hypothermia. As I am confident that my
loyalty and wit are enough to maintain the Hero's love, the harem girl
outfit is reserved for private moments when we are living happily ever
after.
16. I will not hesitate to lie about the Secret Location of the Rebel
Base.
17. If I have any odd phobias to spiders, snakes, lightning, und so
weiter, I will seek therapy and overcome them, so that when lives depend
on my ability to behave intelligently, I won't panic. Since liberated
women can still have it both ways, I will feign phobias in order to
deceive or distract Bad Guys.
18. If I am offered a bribe, I will accept it, and inform the Hero by a
pre-arranged means. The happily-ever-after will be happier if we have a
good nest egg to start on.
19. The Hero and I will have a pre-arranged signal so that if one of us
is held at gunpoint and the other is ordered to drop his/her weapon, the
hostage will know when to duck while the other one plugs the Bad Guy.
20. Knowing that tentacles have a preference for True Loves, I will keep
an eye out for any and all creatures that might have them.
21. I will obtain some basic mountaineering skills so that when I am
dangling off of a cliff the Hero can finish off the Evil Overlord
instead of letting him escape in order to rescue me.
22. If I am presented with a reasonable opportunity to save the day
myself, I will at least try, and not wait for the Hero to do it.
From - Wed Apr 08 11:29:29 1998
Subject: Bad taste humor
England has had a serious problem maintaining security around Princess
Di's gravesite due to the volume of visitors so they've installed a new,
"passive" security system ... landmines.
From - Thu Apr 09 10:47:31 1998
Subject: humor: New Vocabulary Words
New Vocabulary Words
Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
Decaflon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
you come at them rapidly.
Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been
abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is
destroyed. Hence faunacatering (n.), which has made a meal of many
species.
Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself
that leads to sex.
Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where arts companies without
funding dwell.
Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to
visit.
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents
you from drifting off to sleep.
From - Fri Apr 10 10:02:43 1998
Subject: humor: Anecdotes...
...Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
==============================================================
...With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
==============================================================
...And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The
kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
==============================================================
...And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension
under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey
Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump
higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for
giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated
the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the
"zero-intelligence" policy...
===============================================================
...Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last
year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole
my new security system..."
===============================================================
... And for the Main Course...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46
teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
===============================================================
...The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied
up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.
===============================================================
...Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police
station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly
asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he
claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had
drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power
drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
===============================================================
...Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly
enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.
According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told
to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined
temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis
and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and
marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities
believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars...
===============================================================
...Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his
college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many
business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all
this may not have happened..."
===============================================================
...Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man
in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
===============================================================
...Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack
designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The
robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was
running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said
police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his
pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
===============================================================
...Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
===============================================================
...Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to holdup
a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand
in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?
From - Mon Apr 13 09:55:32 1998
Subject: humor: marriage jokes
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she
marrying him? -- Jerry Seinfeld
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George
Burns
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word -- if only she'd get
to it. -- Henny Youngman
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
-- Woodey Allen
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. -- Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then
complain that he's not the man she married? -- Barbra Streisand
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I told someone I was getting married, and they said "Have you picked a
date yet? I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!?"
"What a country! " -- Yakov Smirnoff
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested
in one thing," and you can't remember what it is. -- Milton Berle
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife
finds out, she'll kill me! -- Henny Youngman
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then
she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two
plumbers, and a bartender. -- Rodney Dangerfield
From - Tue Apr 14 10:06:56 1998
Subject: humor: Little PC Red Riding Hood
Little Politically Correct Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants
that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the
time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred
to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she
would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not
in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of
nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the
impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown
fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union
boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women
to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all
women were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket,
since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be
oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending
a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't
stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help
engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based
on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded
the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized
peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as
valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper,
and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her
what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
but she was confident in taking control of her own destiny, and chose to
dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to
walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an
outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an
alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Judeo-Christian style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action
affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put
on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited
developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought
you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and
nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you..."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I
didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed,
grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she
could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of
intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp
on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage,
brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in
my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower
achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This
is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding
Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and
her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've
been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected
flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have
any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on
his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said, "Do you have
any Maalox?"
-Another good one by K. Hopkins
From - Wed Apr 15 09:44:15 1998
Subject: humor: Easter Joke
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter
tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple
question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in
November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the
same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we
put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of
Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust,
tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third
blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes,
"I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the
last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans
by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was
stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a
cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which
was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so
that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six
more weeks of winter."
From - Thu Apr 16 11:11:28 1998
Subject: humor: more one liners
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
There's no future in time travel.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Smith & Wesson -- the original point and click interface.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.
Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
A good pun is it's own reword.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
From - Fri Apr 17 11:10:06 1998
Subject: humor: Blonde Joke
A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in
front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a
candy bar fell out. She picked up the candy bar and put it in her
pocket, then she proceded to put two more coins into the slot and turned
the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket. She
put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing
yet another candy bar.
A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he
said "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"
She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"
From - Mon Apr 20 09:47:14 1998
Subject: humor: flying friendlier skies
Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "inflight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and
the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark,
windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't
know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to
mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a
chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it,
then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice
day."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage
from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom,
"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in
their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the
gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
Here are a few heard from Northwest:
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendents. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none
of them are on this flight...!
From - Wed Apr 22 10:26:08 1998
Subject: humor: Chocolate
Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am
vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a
restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most
chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable
Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always
wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a
catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth.
The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the
first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small
moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first
cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure
chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand
not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the
table. The silverware rattles.
After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the
bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever
transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly her sphere of
consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her lifelong mate, her
presumed partner in all things ecstatic.
"Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?"
No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife
in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It
wouldn't do any good anyway. Men just don't have the same
relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I
wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your
thoughts?" - and the result was always the same.
First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something
so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?"
Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food
group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe
at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex." Ouch.
Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding
that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate
certainly increases desire - problem is the desire is usually for more
chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope
he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the
strawberry nougat.
Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not
essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we
know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get.
We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many
guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly
disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way as back in the
days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I
eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow
to include only the plate that it's on.
Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to
pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our
tiramisu. Life is about tradeoffs like that.
All I know is chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I
can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for
her.
Which is close enough.
From - Thu Apr 23 09:15:39 1998
Subject: humor: A pair of .sigs for the ages....
"A computer without Windows 95 and Internet Explorer is like a piece of
chocolate cake without Catsup and Mustard."
"A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without
bricks tied to its head."
From - Mon Apr 27 09:21:12 1998
Subject: humor: Infamous Y2K Problem
The H.A.L. 9000 computer was activated on January 12, 1997 at the
H.A.L. Plant in Urbana, Illinois. It's principal designer was Dr.
Sivasubramanian Chandrasegarampillai (Dr. Chandra). The hardware and
software developers thoroughly tested the optical, linguistic, memory,
logic, storage, and communications subsystems. They ran
magnetohydrodynamic simulations of colliding galaxies to test the
8192-bit operating system and the 1200 GHz processor. After months of
testing, they confidently declared H.A.L to be the most perfect computer
system ever created.
But on that fateful January day in 2000, David Bowman became the first
person to ever ask, "H.A.L., what time is it?"
From - Mon Apr 27 12:08:07 1998
Subject: humor: ER True (but extremely amusing) stories
Not personally verifiable, but I believe these could happen...
All you have to do is work an ER for a week to believe the gene pool
needs serious chlorine.... :)
-------------------------------
Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact
is stranger than fiction.
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide.
The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka.
When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they
were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the
nitroglycerin explode.
- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild
abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had
inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have
children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken
rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could
reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in
good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the
search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking
sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After
a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the
dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was
decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if
you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his
precinct for medical assistance.
- A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs
was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to
undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under
her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her
chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And
last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was
discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The
Human Couch".
- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.
Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!"
at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be
restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!)
Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine
induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a
catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a
neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the
man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his
belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It
was a fifty, bitch!"
- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines
in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did,
indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further
inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was
easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a
potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she
"put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
- The most nonemergency ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m.
with a complaint of belly button lint.
- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the
exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor
gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor
went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you
sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed
to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful
resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went
to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance
forty-five minutes ago!"
- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting
next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that
he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his
friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was
anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy
thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the
dog?"
- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that
she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she
wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. " Then I went to the
bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
From - Tue Apr 28 09:40:26 1998
Subject: humor: Women and Size
Did you know....
If shop mannequins were real women THEY'D BE TOO THIN TO MENSTRUATE.
There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and ONLY 8 WHO
DO.
Marilyn Monroe wore a SIZE 12.
If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her
proportions.
The average American woman weighs 144 lbs. and wears between a size 12
and 14.
One out of every 4 college aged women has an eating disorder.
The models in the magazines are airbrushed-- THEY'RE NOT PERFECT!!
A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at
models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed,
guilty and shameful.
Models who twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman,
today weigh 23% less.
From - Wed Apr 29 10:23:42 1998
Subject: humor: OK, folks...
Since this was sent to me anonymously, well...
Somebody should feel guilty....
----------------------------------
YOU KNOW YOU DRIVE A BEATER IF:
Your rear fenders have lots of dings OUTWARD from tools and spare parts
flying around in the trunk when you corner.
Your car has the "keyless entry" feature. Both locks are broken and
unusable.
You wipe the spilled oil off the valve cover with a rag, and then you
wipe the excess wheel bearing grease off your hand on the fender.
You double the book value of your car when you fill the tank.
You are really pissed that you scratched the edges of you Coleman canoe
because you didn't put a blanket on the roof of your car when you
carried it up there to the lake.
Nobody wants to steal it or even brush up against it.
It was stolen once and found two blocks way, on the same street.
Curbs are minor inconveniences and in no way limit the paved surfaces
your car has access to.
You remove the snow from your car with the same metal shovel you cleared
the driveway with.
10 to 15 pounds of roadsalt on the car doesn't faze you, in fact, you
think it kinda looks cool.
You drive through an exclusive section of town the cops ALWAYS follow
you.
After you nail a particularly nasty pothole your first impulse is to see
if you bent a wheel, your second impulse is to make sure no chunks of
sheetmetal are missing.
The keys haven't been out of the ignition for over a year.
Your car uses more "other" fluids than gasoline.
The cost to fill the tank is more than your yearly excise tax.
At your local car club show, you easily win the "Best Use of Body
Fillers and Assorted Adhesives" class every year.
10 seconds after shifting into park it backfires so loudly that everyone
in a 1/2 block radius hits the deck. You have the timing of this
backfire down pat. As you walk away, you turn and fake "shooting at your
car" with a "gun hand" just as it backfires.
You think you can get "another hundred thousand out of it easy".
You give it away when you are done with it.
You CAN'T give it away when you are done with it.
You will never be DONE with it.
You really like the tires are on the car because "they hold air".
After a minor fender bender with lamp post some stuff that was stuck or
broken starts working again.
It was broken into but nothing was taken.
You got drunk once and "waxed it" with a bucket of industrial floor
polish and a mop. It didn't bother you the next day, in fact in
hindsight you are kind of proud of thinking that up.
The kids use it for a backstop when playing baseball.
You are on retainer as a consultant for 3M's duct tape division.
You use the oil from your dipstick rag to clean bugs off your winsheild.
You have a total of six lug nuts still performing their intended
function.
Your idea of a "theftproof" gas cap is to snake a tie-wrap through the
rag.
A small field mouse has moved into the hole where the trunk lock used to
be.
[AND, my all time favorite....]
Your car gets "keyed" and you try to make a design out of the scratch
with YOUR keys.
From - Thu Apr 30 12:12:30 1998
Subject: humor: A server that works
Anybody remember that Joplin classic, "Mercedes Benz"?
Oh Lord won't you buy me a server that works?
My friends all use Unix, no servers with burps.
My servers work half-time, a truckload of quirks,
So Lord won't you by me a server that works?
Oh Lord won't you buy me some new admin clowns?
The current ones cause me deep ungainly frowns.
Prove that you love me and put them all down,
Oh Lord won't you buy me some new admin clowns?
Oh Lord won't you buy them a beginners' course?
I'd like to stop cursing before I am all hoarse.
They need to Get It, if need be by force,
Oh Lord won't you buy them a beginners' course?
[Everybody!]
Oh Lord won't you buy me a server that works?
My friends all use Unix, no servers with burps.
My servers work half-time, a truckload of quirks,
So Lord won't you by me a server that works?
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...