April 1999...
Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1999 09:47:22 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Thought For The Day
Happy April Fool's Day!
"Any frontal attack on ignorance is bound to fail because the masses are
always ready to defend their most precious possession - their ignorance."
- Hendrik Willem van Loon (1882-1944), Dutch-American journalist and lecturer
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 10:08:29 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: April Fool's messages...
...can be fun every year, but this one is priceless... off of a
professional, moderated mailing list for OS bug tracking...
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1999 05:31:34 +0200
From: Anonymous
To: BUGTRAQ@netspace.org
-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----
=============================================================================
LART* Advisory LA-99.01.Tuxissa
Original issue date: Apr. 0a, 1999
Last revised: --
Topic: Attack of the Tuxissa Virus
This advisory is intended primarily for network administrators responsible for
luser configuration and maintenance.
Attack of the Tuxissa Virus
March 29, 1999
What started out as a prank posting to comp.os.linux.advocacy yesterday
has turned into one of the most significant viruses in computing history.
The creator of the virus, who goes by the moniker "Anonymous Longhair",
modified the well-known Melissa[1] virus to download and install Linux on
infected machines.
"It's a work of art," one Linux advocate told Humorix after he looked
through the Tuxissa virus source code. "This virus goes well beyond the
feeble troublemaking of Melissa." The advocate enumerated some of the
tasks the virus performs in the background while the user is blissfully
playing Solitaire:
Once the virus is activated, it first works on propogating itself. It has
a built-in email harvesting module that downloads all the pages referenced
in the user's Internet Explorer bookmarks and scans them for email
addresses. Using Outlook, the virus sends a copy of itself to every email
address it comes across.
After it has successfully reproduced, the virus begins the tricky process
of upgrading the system to Linux. First, the virus modifies AUTOEXEC.BAT
so that the virus will be re-activated if the system crashes or is shut
down while the upgrade is in process. Second, the virus downloads a
stripped-down Slackware distribution, using a lengthy list of mirror sites
to prevent the virus from overloading any one server.
Then the virus configures a UMSDOS filesystem to install Linux on. Since
this filesystem resides on a FAT partition, there is no need to
re-partition the hard drive, one of the few actions that the Word macro
language doesn't allow.
Next, the virus uncompresses the downloaded files into the new Linux
filesystem. The virus then permanently deletes all copies of the Windows
Registry, virtually preventing the user from booting into Windows without
a re-install. After modifying the boot sector, the virus terminates its
own life by rebooting the system. The computer boots into the Slackware
setup program, which automatically finishes the installation of Linux.
Finally, the dazed user is presented with the Linux login prompt and the
text, "Welcome to Linux. You'll never want to use Windows again. Type
'root' to begin..."
The whole process take about two hours, assuming the user has a decent
Internet connection. Since the virus runs invisibly in the background,
the user has no chance to stop it until it's too late.
The email message that the virus is attached to has the subject "Important
Message About Windows Security". The text of the body says, "I want to
let you know about some security problems I've uncovered in Windows
95/98/NT, Office 95/97, and Outlook. It's critically important that
you protect your system against these attacks. Visit these sites for more
information..." The rest of the message contains 42 links to sites about
Linux and free software.
Slashdot is one of those links. "That could spell trouble," one Slashdot
expert told Humorix. "Slashdot could fall victim to the new 'Macro Virus
Effect' if this virus continues to propogate at its present exponential
growth rate. Red Hat's portal site, another site present on the virus'
links list, seems to be quite sluggish right now..."
Details on how the virus started are a bit sketchy. The "Anonymous
Longhair" who created it only posted it to Usenet as an early April Fool's
gag, a demonstration of how easy it would be to mount a "Linux
revolution". Some other Usenet reader is responsible for actually
spreading the virus into the wild. One observer speculated, "I imagine
the virus was first sent to the addresses of several well-known spammers.
The virus probably latched on to the spammer's email lists and began
propagating at a fantastic rate. With no boundary to its growth, this
thing could wind up infecting every single Net-connected Wintel box in the
world. Wouldn't that be a shame!"
Linus Torvalds, who just left for a two week vacation, was unavailable for
comment at press time. We have a strong feeling that his vacation will be
cut short very soon...
[1] http://linuxtoday.com/stories/4463.html
James S. Baughn
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/
Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 09:41:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: one upsmanship...
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a
huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all
before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the
Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows
him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from
every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and
hat than he, considers what he could do. "Your Majesty, that was
impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I
can make every IRISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will
not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep
into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 08:51:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: RCN Sells its Four Internet Companies to America Online
another funny April Fool's message that went out... :)
----------------------------------------
Subject: RCN Sells its Four Internet Companies to America Online
PRINCETON, N.J., April 1, 1999 -- RCN Corporation (Nasdaq: RCNC - news)
announced today that it will be selling its four Internet companies to
America Online, for $200 plus free lifetime AOL accounts for all RCN
executives.
"We were really tired of having all of our customers complaining all of the
time." said David Epstein, president of what used to be RCN's Internet as
well as all customer support. "To be frank, we had no idea how to fix all
of the problems with our various services. So getting rid of our largest
group seemed to be the only logical solution. Our tech support queue has
been virtually empty all day, which is a new record for us!"
"RCN has a rather unique financial model." said David McCourt, charimain of
RCN. "We realized that we actually don't need any customers, since we can
just continue to sell billions of dollars of debt." When asked about the
hundreds of employees that worked in RCN's Internet division, McCourt
replied, "To be honest, we never really liked any of them, especially those
whiny Erols people. Most of them will be given generous severance packages,
however a few of the people who caused us the most aggrivation will be given
special treatment."
RCN's stock was up 30% on the news.
About the Network
RCN's True Local Network is a unique broadband fiber optic platform capable
of offering the full suite of communications services -- including fully
featured voice and video -- to residential customers. The network employs
SONET ring backbone architecture and localized nodes built to ensure its
state-of-the-art fiber optics travel to within 900 feet of RCN customers,
with fewer electronics and lower maintenance costs than existing local
networks. RCN's East and West Coast local fiber optic networks target
densely-populated areas comprising nearly 40% of the U.S. residential
communications market spread over just 6% of its geography. Of course, now
that RCN doesn't have any more customers the purpose of building a
nationwide fiber network is still somewhat in question.
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 12:42:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: tired gynecologist
A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility,
decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought he
decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had enjoyed up to the
time he entered college, would be a good profession. However, it had been
a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that to work
on any of the newest engines and be able to compete with the younger work
force, he would have to go to school. So he enrolled in a technical
institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics and pretty much aced
the course.
The final exam however, required each student to completely strip and
reassemble a complete engine. So it was with some trepidation he took on
the task. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for
evaluation and awaited his final grade. When the grades were handed out he
did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked
his instructor how it was possible to have a grade like this.
The instructor replied that it really quite simple. He gave him 50% for
correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling the
engine and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.
Date: Thu, 8 Apr 1999 11:44:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Advice for pregnant couples
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather
than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if
my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be
beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes
for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this
true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet
have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at
night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on
labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a
Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in
that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a
saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast
and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global
chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant
again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 08:18:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: lawyers, redux...
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for
the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from
you, for you are a good man - you do God's work." The next morning the
barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a
good man - you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a
dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused
payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man -
you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen
more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 12:08:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Logical Thinking
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain
cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 19:42:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Wiccan jokes...
A: What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
Q: They worship the ground you walk on...
Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
A: Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?
A: Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veterinarian?
A: Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.
Q: What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A: A Self-Cleaning Coven
Q: What's the difference between New Age and Pagan?
A: About $500.00 a weekend.
Q: How many Dianacs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but that bulb has really got to want to change.
Q: How many witches does it take to change a light bulb???
A: None -- if a candle was good enough for Grannie it's good enough for me!
Q: What is one thing you never have to worry about?
A: Your airplane being hijacked by a group of radical Unitarians.
Q: How do you scare a UU (Unitarian Universalist) out of your neighbourhood?
A: Burn a Question Mark on his lawn
Q: How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.
Q: How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.
Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: What do you call a dating club for unattached Wiccans?
A: Craft singles!
Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, one not to change it.
Date: Wed, 14 Apr 1999 11:16:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Gotcha!
A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one
hand and two aspirins in the other.
She asks, "What's this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.
She says, "But I don't have a headache."
He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1999 10:58:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: And I thought OUR List was rough!
Found this directed to a spammer on alt.fan.heinlein.......
On Thu, 11 Feb 1999 03:42:46 GMT, (name clipped) wrote:
the responses were thus: (Note: This isn't all original--it's cobbled
together from several places. But it all seems to fit--I judge a man by
his enemies)
Your mother is a whore. Your father was likely her brother, but could
have been any of her cousins. I'd have a second deliver a card on a
silver platter, but your kind generally wouldn't understand it, and
doesn't deserve much more than a dog-whipping anyway. You havn't got a
clue. You couldn't get a clue if you smeared yourself with clue musk and
danced the clue mating dance in a field full of horny clues in clue mating
season. Your eyebrows meet in the middle, your forehead slopes, your pet
gerbil wants you dead. Your mother would dress you funny if she could
afford clothes. You're the primary reason bigots hate your ethnic group.
You were obviously not toilet-trained correctly, which explains the stains
on the floor of your cardboard box. Your webbed feet go well with the
pointy forehead. Your manners are hideous, your brain minute, and your
body odor could fell an ox. You would fit in on a short bus to a
convention of Mormons.
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they
say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with
instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I
would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little
worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a
cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a
revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared
richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into
this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned
by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed
themselfs in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species
as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very
thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you.
You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the
dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to
impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will
still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more
rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive
its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly
briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of
your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your
own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid,
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an
ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you.
You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land
that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important
statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What
fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums
would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly
in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease,
you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are
deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of
wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are
the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever
you go.
You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock.
You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish
foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated
tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey
poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing
gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted
clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are
degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you
exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid.
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the
stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that
even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect
can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid.
You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year.
Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can
really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the
original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so
uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we
know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After
this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough
strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments
about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped
away most of your of whay you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say
anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I
mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of
babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have
learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.
True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for
granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes
forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these
things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would
have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like
parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional,
and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.
P.S.
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly,
deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent,
opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted,
racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged,
imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame,
self-righteous, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous,
bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate,
harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious,
revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist,
dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive,
controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird,
dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic,
jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing,
arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive,
socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 08:58:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Food for thought
Not truly humor, but thought provoking.... :)
----------------------
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of 100 people, with
all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look like this:
There would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere (north and south)
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 homosexual
59% of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people,
and all 6 would be citizens of the United States
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrician
1 would be near death
1 would be near birth
Only 1 would have a college education
Only 1 would own a computer
..... puts it into perspective, doesn't it?
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999 12:22:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: 2 rednecks
from the West Virginian... :)
------------
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see
the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own
a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the
professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a
yard you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever
heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into
the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example," the first one said. "Do ya own a
weedeater?"
"No," his friend replied.
"Fag."
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 10:54:31 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Groucho Marx had some of the best lines...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-
GROUCHO MARX HAD SOME OF THE BEST LINES...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to
get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my
pyjamas I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably
more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more
of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them
like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my
disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 11:24:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Satan
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in this tiny town got up
early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the
townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives,
their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running out the door, trampling each other in a frantic
effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to
the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked to the man and said, "Don't
you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep sure do."
Satan asked, " Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the
man, Satan was a little perturbed by this and queried, "Why aren't you
afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied. "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 09:57:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: snakes and propagation
Couple thousand years ago, God came to Noah, and he said, "I'm going to
send a Great Flood, and I want you to build an Ark and put two of every
animal on that Ark so that they survive." So Noah did as God asked, and
he built an Ark, and put two of every animal on board. When the flood was
over, and the Ark landed on the mountain, God told Noah to set the animals
free and to instruct them to go forth and multiply.
A year passed, and God asked Noah to go and check on the progress the
animals were making to repopulate the earth. So Noah went to the horses,
and saw that they had produced a foal, and he went to the cow and bull and
saw that they had produced a calf. He went to the elephants, and they had
no offspring, but the male explained that it took two years, and wouldn't
be ready yet. Finally, he got to the snakes--but they had produced no
offspring!
"Why is it," Noah said, "that you haven't multiplied?"
"Well..." the male snake said, "We're adders..."
"OH," Noah said. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Well, it is a little exposed around here," the female snake said shyly.
So Noah cut down some trees, and he built a roof to shelter the snakes,
and he set it up on four legs, and then he went home.
A year later, God sent Noah out again. He visited the horses, who had a
yearling and another foal. He visited the cow and bull, who had a heifer
and another calf, and he visited the elephants, who proudly showed them
their new child, and finally, he reached the snakes, and sure enough, half
a dozen baby snakes had hatched just a few days before.
And the moral of the story is...
...even adders can multiply with the help of a log table.
Date: Mon, 26 Apr 1999 12:13:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Polish air disaster
AIR DISASTER
Poland's "worst air disaster ever" occurred today when a small
two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon
in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326
bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into
the evening.
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 09:50:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Life's Perspective
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside
the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American
complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it
took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more
fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your
time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and
busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You
should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat
with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats,
eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling
your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor,
eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product,
processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal
fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where
you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public
and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions.. Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your
kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings
where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1999 08:43:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Thanks, Littleton!
Yes, I am bitter about the what press has become... although this is a
spoof, it almost tastes right...
---------------------------------
TV NEWS MAGS ANNOUNCE "WE'RE SET! THANKS LITTLETON!"
AP NEW YORK - Dateline NBC and 20/20 announced today that "we're set" in
regards to news content through to late December 1999. Executive
producers lined up to sing praises to the bizarre tragedy in Littleton
which has provided them with millions of prurient as well mundane details
to bleed dry between now and the Y2K panic coverage in late December.
"This really is a godsend!" said NBC CEO Roland Cheffer "The whole dead
Di gala was unlooked for, but this is a gift from God to our productions
and news departments." ABC and CBS CEOs concurred adding "it's
miraculous. This is possibly the cheapest hype story we will ever see."
Network news departments seem especially grateful that this story is not
"tainted" in the manner of previous frenzies. Unlike recent media crazes,
the Littleton story does not have the "sleaze factor" associated with the
Lewinsky Affair and OJ coverage. These stories tended to become so sordid
that none of the people involved were sympathetic, which is less likely
with children. They also had the downside of being so low-brow that
coverage was "shared" with the tabloid press, which the networks and major
print media found galling.
Talking heads and Sunday talk-show commentators were seen dancing in the
streets of Los Angeles, New York and Washington D.C. "Good Fucking God!"
screamed Patrick Buchanan, who has been dancing naked since Thursday "this
thing is an ABOMINATION! I can make references to `Clinton's generation'
forever! I will never be at loss for a reason to censor anything!"
Michael Kinsey was found streaking Microsoft Headquarters in Redmond, WA.
He stopped running long enough to tell AP that "Now anyone can babble
about the evil things on the internet! And people will listen! I'll be
on TV blandly defending our constitutional rights for the rest of my
life!"
Barbara Walter, host of ABC's 20/20 and The View, commented from a
podium constructed of human bones "This is truly wonderful! We will milk
every last detail out of this thing! We will shove it down your throats
until our demographics people tell us that you are turning off your TVs!
Every last one of those victims will be reduced to blips of
sensationalized information that dulls the senses and draws advertising
dollars to ABC. Their legacy will be how cheaply their deaths were
capitalized on! Those boys merely shot them dead, WE will warp the very
tears shed by their friends and family for profit!" Walters then began to
shake uncontrollably and choke on her own laughter before she was carted
off by ABC employees.
John Stossel of NBC's Dateline was a little more downcast than his peers
and employers. "You know what's gonna happen? I'm gonna be doing reports
on all the web sites those two kids ever went to. Night after night for
months of me frowning next to a monitor with half the content censored
over. Yeah, it's cheap. I don't have to go anywhere or even do very much
- not exactly investigative reporting, but who am I fooling? Basically,
got to look disgusted at various nazi porn sites."
FOX broadcasting, publishing and cable outlets could not be reached as
the whole of their staff has been occupied by a tremendous orgasm since
the first reports of the massacre last Thursday.
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1999 11:47:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Strangers on a train
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both
manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to
bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better
idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
Thanks for looking!
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