August 2000...
Date: Tue, 1 Aug 2000 07:33:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: last hope
Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it
was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have
believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll,
Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the
trip.
One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young
fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."
"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 2000 07:51:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: the @ symbol figured out at last?
don't know if this qualifies as humor, but it is odd... :)
-----
An Italian scholar has discovered that "amphora," a word referring to a
weight unit used by ancient Greeks and Romans, is the real name for the
Internet's ubiquitous squiggle, the @ sign used in email communications.
Giorgio Stabile, who teaches the history of science at Rome's La
Sapienza University, traced the origin of the @ sign to at least 500 years
ago, when Italian merchants invented it.
The evidence was hidden in the archives at the Francesco Datini
Institute of Economic History in Prato, near Florence: a letter written by
Francesco Lapi, a Florentine trader, on May 4, 1536, clearly shows what is
the earliest known example of the quintessential symbol of the Internet.
Describing the arrival in Spain of three ships bearing gold and silver
from Latin America, Lapi writes: "there an @ of wine, which is one
thirtieth of a barrel, is worth 70 or 80 ducats."
"In the document, the @ sign is the abbreviation for amphora, a measure
of capacity based on the terracotta jars used for transportation in the
ancient Mediterranean world," said Stabile, who will publish his finding
in a book for the Treccani Encyclopedia by the end of the year.
The sign has been a central part of the Internet since Ray Tomlinson
chose it as a separator in email addresses in 1972. Cybernauts of
various countries have given the sign nicknames from snail to strudel and
monkey's tail, but the @ sign was believed to derive from the Latin word
"ad," meaning "to, toward, at."
The story goes that in late medieval cursive writing the upright stroke
of the "d" curved over to the left making a loop around the "a."
"This theory has no support from a paleographic point of view. In my
research, I ignored the metaphors related to the sign and considered the
only two denominations with a historical background: the English
"commercial at" and the Spanish "arroba," said Stabile.
Searching the commercial paleography, Stabile stumbled into a
Spanish-Latin dictionary of 1492: the word "arroba" was translated as
"amphora," showing that the amphora weight unit was known both in the
Greek-Latin and in the Arab-Hispanic world.
The amphora was long used as a measuring unit in Venice and along trade
Routes running to Northern Europe. There, it acquired its contemporary
commercial meaning, "at the price of."
"The story of the Latin roots of the sign was completely wrong," said
Armando Petrucci, professor of Latin Paleography at Pisa
University. "Finally, Stabile's discovery sheds light on the history of this
successful sign."
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 08:34:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: oops...
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence
indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing
statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted,
resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise
for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one
minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this
courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute
passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up
the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I
therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to
whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not
guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired
the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare
at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your
client didn't."
Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000 07:24:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
sound byte heard this morning; from the original M*A*S*H:
Hawkeye (Alan Alda): "Sidney, what's the psychological basis behind
gambling?"
Sidney (Allan Arbus): "Sex. Sex is why we eat; sex is why we sleep; sex
is why we have babies..."
Date: Mon, 7 Aug 2000 11:32:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: know your part
Chris' dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be
posted today, he asked his son if he got one.
Chris enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been
married for twenty years."
That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll
be giving you a speaking part."
Date: Tue, 8 Aug 2000 14:19:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Top 16 Things Overheard at the Republican National Convention
The Top 16 Things Overheard at the
Republican National Convention
16> "Gingrich... Gingrich... I'm sorry, sir, but you're not on
the list."
15> "Very important, camera operators: only shoot him from the
front. When his dad sticks his hand up Junior's back, it
makes his suit wrinkle."
14> "What are all these women doing here? They act like they've
won the right to vote or something."
13> "Man, this spotted owl is delicious. Compliments to the chef!"
12> "Governor Bush, it's time to put your Play-Doh away and speak
to the nice people in the auditorium."
11> "Is that an oil company in your pocket or are you just glad
to see me?"
10> "And now, the winner of the GOP Most Valuable Player of the
'90s Award... Linda Tripp!"
9> "Someone get that drink away from McCain before he brings up
that 'campaign finance reform' crap again!"
8> "Sorry, sonny, but this table is for grown-ups only--
Oh! I'm sorry, Mr. Lazio!"
7> "Man, this is boring -- I'm heading over to Chuck E. Cheese's
for the Reform Party convention."
6> "Well, at least when *our* guy asks for 'blow,' it doesn't
involve an intern."
5> "Attention: We have another lost parent! Will Mr. and Mrs.
Quayle please come to the Main Pavilion? Your son is here."
4> "Excuse me, but wasn't my registration packet supposed to
contain a wad of NRA money...?"
3> "I thought they were waiters, too, but apparently they're a
singing group called 'The Temptations'."
2> "Sure, I still believe in helping the poor, improving
education and eliminating tax breaks for the rich --
I just really, *really* hate James Carville."
and the Number 1 Thing Overheard
at the Republican National Convention...
1> "Philadelphia is called 'The City of BROTHERLY Love'?!?
Did those Log Cabin guys have a hand in this?"
Date: Wed, 9 Aug 2000 10:44:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: negotiating
a late Camp David joke:
In the first tri-lateral meeting between Clinton, Barak and Arafat,
Barak made the following speech:
"Thousands of years ago, when the first Jewish Temple stood in what is now
called East Jerusalem, the High Priest would disrobe from his fine
priestly garb to go to the mikveh - ritual bath - to spiritually cleanse
himself before entering the Holy of Holies. On one such occasion he
emerged from the mikveh to find that his holy garments had been
stolen....and we believe that the Palestinians stole them."
At this, Chairman Arafat jumped up and exclaimed: "This is lies, this is
ridiculous! There weren't even any Palestinians around at that time!"
"And from that point", replied PM Barak, "we can start the
negotiations".
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 14:00:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: one question too many...
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony
trial--it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker
room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR
LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share
with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes
defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...
Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 10:32:40 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Starbucks Review by Jackie Mason
Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means
nothing, but people will still pay 10x as much for because there are
French words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's
60 cents. But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Cremier: $4.50. Cafe
Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a
little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50?
Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until
you're blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee
shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still
60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee."
If it's Cafe Latte - $4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for
cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want.
Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same
price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60
cents, that's it.
But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier $9.50.
You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the
refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and
keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging
you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?"
Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a
dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills,$19.50. So, for four
cups of coffee: $35.00. And it's burnt coffee.
It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it. If you get
burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom
of the pot. I drink from the bottom of the pot? But when it's burnt at
Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a blend." It's a special bean
from Argentina....."
The bean is in your head.
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2000 10:51:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Some pretty good ones!
Some new, some old...
-----
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
-- Dave Barry
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
-- Jeff Foxworthy
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
-- Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-- Bob Ettinger
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner!"
-- Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
-- Warren Hutcherson
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else."
-- Lily Tomlin
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
-- Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself."
-- Mark Twain
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 10:20:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: dispatcher's problems
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba
that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her
over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 12:03:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: one night in a bar...
One night in a bar, a smaller gentleman is sitting there as a bully
comes up behind him. The bully announces, "This is a karate chop from
Korea" and nails the smaller gentleman. He picks himself up, brushes
himself off, and sits back down to his drink.
The bully, furious at being ignored, announces, "this is a judo chop
from Japan" and nails the smaller gentleman again. The smaller man picks
himself up, brushes himself off, and leaves the bar. The bully laughs, and
gets another drink.
About 45 minutes later, the bully is in the middle of a word when his
friends hear this "THUNK" sound. As the bully collapses, the smaller
gentleman is standing there. He announces, "when he wakes up, tell him it
was a crowbar from Sears."
Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2000 10:35:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Political Counseling
From The Washington Times, Mailbag
Regarding yesterday's list of former members of Congress convicted or
pleading guilty to major offenses between 1992 and 1999, Owen Jones of
Aiken, SC, writes: "I've often thought the most interesting survey would
be how many members of Congress have been in therapy."
Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 11:36:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Four friends
These four friends are driving along on a vacation - one from Iowa, one
from Idaho, one from the Florida Keys, and one from New York. As they are
going along, the one from New York, reading a book, says "It says here
that in order to really enjoy a vacation, one should throw away something
of little to no value that one sees every day normally."
The guy from Iowa thinks about it, and throws some corn out of the
car. He turns around with a big grin, and says "Yes, that does help,
doesn't it?"
The guy from Idaho tosses out a potato, and has to agree...
...and they turn around just in time to see the guy from the Keys
throwing out the New Yorker, with a HUGE grin on his face...
Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2000 09:29:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: QOTD
"Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is
not the reason we are doing it..." -- Richard Feynman
Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 10:48:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Seinfeld quote
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon
there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get
past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the
toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry Seinfeld
Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 15:30:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: octopus?
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a
stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented
octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears
everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot etc.. So he
says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the
octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus
starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man
pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet
better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sets it down and the octopus
fumbles with it for a minute, then sets it down with a confused
look. "Ha!" the third man says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up
at the man and says "Play it? I was planning on having sex with it - as
soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 10:42:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: unhappy marriages...
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
- - - - - - - - - -
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested.
- - - - - - - - - -
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state
troopers and a dog.
- - - - - - - - - -
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
- - - - - - - - - -
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
- - - - - - - - - -
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."
- - - - - - - - - -
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
- - - - - - - - - -
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every
country, son.
- - - - - - - - - -
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
- - - - - - - - - -
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.
- - - - - - - - - -
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- - - - - - - - - -
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- - - - - - - - - -
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
- - - - - - - - - -
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
- - - - - - - - - -
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married; and then it was too late."
- - - - - - - - - -
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000 10:22:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: flowers...
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and
the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace,". The owner was angry and so
called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the
obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really
sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine
this. . . Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have
flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000 15:56:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: .sig OTD
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses...
Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 09:19:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be
British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are
Russian."
Date: Tue, 29 Aug 2000 09:21:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: phone tech support listening tree
CALLING FOR TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are
currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold
for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at
between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call,
please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your
telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be
found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security
purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that
now.
(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit
at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand
all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing
materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely
event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to
refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the
technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately
disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical
Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics related
firm in the industrialized world.
(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable
us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and
your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have
please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not, press
the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your
touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly
losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and
make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician
takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it
anyway.
(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring
Cycle" in its entirety)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our
technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated
waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two
hours.
(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the
technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be
wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:
* If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in
my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind?
* Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the
sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?
* Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
* Have I consulted my manual?
* Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
* Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who
can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
* Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid
whack?
If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get
off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those
truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.
(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the
reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form
of a salamander.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this
week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you
may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows
you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you
would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not
cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may
jump you ahead of several other callers.
(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic
starring Keanu Reeves.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate
that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack
combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing
so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base
and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal
battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of
Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of
registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were
happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or
beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2000 09:16:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Musical notes for the tone-deaf.
Music: a complex organization of sounds that is set down by the
composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the
musicians, followed by the audience.
Never look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them.
-R. Strauss on conducting.
There is nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
- J. S. Bach
Anything too stupid to be said is sung.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
-Thelonius Monk
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
-Decca Recording Company, on rejecting the Beatles in 1962.
Classical music is the kind that you keep thinking will turn into a
tune.
Due to the confusion from too many genres of music, we have decided to
put both country music and rap music into the genre of Crap Music.
New music is old music played twice as fast and half as well.
- James Douglass Morrison
These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was
inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his
arm. Unfortunately, the man-made tones never equaled the purity of the
sound achieved by the pig.
- Alfred Hitchcock
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...