August 2001...
Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2001 08:31:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: be cheerful
A doctor gave a 92-year-old man a physical exam. A few days later he
happened to notice the man walking down the street with his arm around a
gorgeous young woman and grinning from ear to ear.
The next time he encountered the man, the doctor said, "You are really
doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc," the man agreed. "You said, 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful.'"
"I didn't say that," replied the doctor. "I said you got a heart murmur.
And be careful."
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 08:58:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: geek .sig OTD
"Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about
Exchange Server next.
Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 09:16:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: .sig OTD
"I seem to be the kind of guy who likes the kind of girls who don't like
the kind of guys like me."
Date: Mon, 6 Aug 2001 08:42:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window." --Steve Wozniak
Date: Tue, 7 Aug 2001 21:54:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: When Post-Its Don't Cut It Anymore...
Ah, those were the days... (sigh)
-----
crl3 [2] finger ticket-2678@enoc.barrnet.net
Retrieving BARRNET Trouble Ticket 2678
Ticket Number: 2678 Ticket Status: closed
Ticket Type: unplanned Ticket Source: other
Ticket Scope: 1site Site/Line: barrnet
Ticket Owner: cjw Problem Fixer: everyone
Telco Number: cscdi35420
Ticket Opened: 06/05/95 17:08 Problem Started: 05/17/95 00:00
Closed: 06/13/95 14:53 Ended: 06/13/95 14:55
Close Code: other
Problem Description:
It has been reported that BBN Planet Western Region is
out of Smarties. Staff moral is at an all time low. Most
local sources seem to be out of stock at this time. The
situation could get critical if a new supply is not found.
Note: 1 BARRNET Systems Group indicates that this issue needs to be
06/05/95 17:36 escalated to BARRNET Field service.
tdias The current BARRNET Field Service on-call person has been
paged with the following message,
"BARRNET ticket 2678 - Smarties Situation Critical Please
contact CJW@BARRNET.NET"
Note: 2 Cathy is obviously experiencing severe problems due to a
06/05/95 17:39 glucose shortage as her spelling on the ticket open is
jhickey notably atrocious.
It is clear this Smarties shortage needs to be addressed at
the highest levels as quickly as possible.
Note: 3 This issue started on the 17th of May and was only reported
06/05/95 18:19 on the 5th of June?
tdias CJW, should this issue be escalated to IE or to jrugo?
As it is a priority 4 and the the problem was only reported
on the 5th of June the NOC can only assume that this issue
isn't too urgent. CJW, how's about we ship out a case of
Smarties the next time iserver.tc.barrnet.net needs to be
replaced?
Regards - Tony Dias - BARRNET ops
Note: 4 Tony, the problem was only just brought to my attention this
06/05/95 18:29 afternoon. No one realized the consequences until it was
cjw too late. Being new to the ticket system, I chose priority
4 because this is an internal (non customer) problem.
Perhaps I should upgrade it to a higher priority. Note that
the Ismaint group is shipping me a new iserver with a due
date of Wednesday at 10:30am. Could relief be in sight?
Thanks for your support in this most trying of times
---Cathy
Note: 5 Jeff Osborne of BARRNET Field service reponds that although
06/05/95 20:19 Field Service provides many services, trying to "score" or
tdias i.e. dealing is not one of them.
BBN Planet's Ismaint group responds that the new Iserver is
already hermetically sealed and can not be touched by anyone
here until the customer receives it (so that we can say,
"Hey it worked when it left here." So we won't be able to
include it with the new iserver.
Note: 6 WR Folks,
06/06/95 07:11 Have you tried Skittles as a substitute to Smarties as a
tschlatter workaround until the Smarties supply problem can be
addressed?
Note: 7 Skittles just won't do. We have brought in chocolate dipped
06/06/95 10:07 strawberries as a substitute and that seems to be a good
cjw interim solution, but they're going fast. We are hoping
that one of the many staff members searching the Bay Area
will come up with a new supplier. It is disappointing that
FS will not assist since it is clear that some of them have
been seen with their hands in the Smarties orb getting their
fix. Some folks just won't admit their addiction publicly.
Thanks for your continuing support ---Cathy
Note: 8 The lack of Smarties in the WR, has brought Planet HQ to
06/06/95 15:03 the very painful realization that there are no chocolate
jbehrle dipped strawberries in the fridge, on the east coast. Like
a domino effect morale at HQ has started to crumble, if
it continues at this feverish pace the situation could
become critical! Rumor has it that Bill Gates is closely
eyeing the situation, in hopes that Planet executive mgmt
will approach him and turn Planet's WR into the MicroSloth
Network running only NetBEUI, and DOS based apps.
Note: 9 I think the all the regions can agree that if a supplier is
06/06/95 15:49 found, equal portions should be guaranteed for each and
kjc every region for symmetric routing. The integrity of the
chocolate supply here has degraded to the point where the
overall sucrose input has fallen drastically. Sugar packets
are being dropped left and right. This definitely calls for
escalation.
Note: 10 Due to the crisis forming at HQ, I did some investigation.
06/06/95 16:01 It appears that it is not possible for Mackenzies to ship
cjw chocolate covered strawberries due to their perishable
nature. The only option would be for the next WR person
to venture to HQ to act as a courier. This is not a a
guarantee, however, because 5 hours on a plane could make
them not to tasty. Mackenzies has other chocolate taste
delights that might serve as a substitute...
---Cathy
Note: 11 Called and Spoke to Donna at the BJ's Wholesale Club in
06/06/95 17:30 Medford, MA. Asked Donna if they have any Smarties in stock
jbehrle and she confirmed that they carry them in "5 Pound Value
Packs". Asked Donna how many Smarties come in the "5 Pound
Value Pack", she reports that she doesn't know. Requested
that she open the bag up and count them, as the future of
"the PlaNET" may depend on it, Donna hung up.
Note: 12 Have secured 3 - "5 Pound Value Packs" of Smarties that will
06/06/95 18:30 be packaged up and sent to the WR in hopes of improving
jbehrle staff morale. Current ETA is Thursday, 8 June at the latest.
06/07 09:47 PST:
--- ETA is currently Friday, 9 June 1995 ---
Note: 13 In repeated attempts to transmit Smartie packets via a Cisco
06/06/95 22:28 router, the packets are (quite literality) dropped on the
jbehrle floor without even a hint of an error. Suspect there is a
bug in Cisco's IOS 10.2(6.1), preventing Smartie packets
from be passed through the router. I believe a ticket
needs to be opened with Cisco on this issue.
Note: 14 Regis Donovan of the Systems & Network Services Dept at
06/07/95 07:31 FTP Software, Inc. in N. Andover, MA reports that she has
jbehrle duplicated the Cisco bug on 10.2(1) and several versions of
10.0, she suspects this problem may be common to all
versions of IOS. After locating a 2.15 lb "orb of Smarties"
in the FTP Development Dept, Regis estimates that 3 "5 pound
value packs" would contain somewhere on the order of 1256
standard Smartie packets, and ~18,837 individual Smarties
which is approx the # of Internet nets in use in late 1993.
Note: 15 Barbara Bellissimo from BBN Planet WR reports that it
06/07/95 09:47 appears that they are out of immediate danager as a large
jbehrle quantity of Smarties appeared on her chair this morning.
3 - "5 Pound Value Packs" will be shipped out of HQ this
afternoon via FedEx Economy Service (air bill number will
following for tracking purposes). It was decided that due
to the appearant Cisco bug, and multiple failed attempts
to use carrier pigeons (per RFC 1149). FedEx would be the
next logical step.
Note: 16 FedEx Air Bill 272-9533-414 applies, this can be tracked via
06/07/95 14:40 the Web: http://www.fedex.com/cgi-bin/track_it
jbehrle -or-
By sending email to "track@fedex.com" with
"airbill 272-9533-414" in the body of the message.
It was picked up from HQ at 17:20 EST 06/07.
Note: 17 Have begun to use a variety of fresh cannolis (riccota,
06/07/95 14:46 vanilla and chocolate) as a substitute for chocolate covered
tschlatter strawberries in the Planet HQ NOC. We are considering
using these as a permanent replacement for the strawberries
as we have found a reliable year-round supplier and have
not been able to do so for the strawberries, and they
appear to be having the desired effect on corporate morale,
but are still waiting to evaluate the use of Mackenzies
chocolate covered strawberries before making a decision.
Note: 18 Tony Li of CISCO thanks us for the notification of the
06/07/95 14:58 problem with their software and has requested our assistance
kjc in isolating this problem. He has alerted their staff to
watch for supplies and are looking to their telecommuter
staff for hope, moving on to field support if that fails.
He has filed bugid CSCdi35420 on this problem and requests
that we enable "debug ip s" and send them the output. He
would also like a copy of the appropriate packet generator
software for further help. Note attached to ticket.
Note: 19 Three 5 pound bags (one Godzillagram) of 15-bite packets
06/07/95 15:24 have arrived at their first hop enroute to the Western
kjc Region. They are in a wait state, holding at Medford, MA.
Further updates as they arrive. Once the traceroute is
complete, we'll have a better idea of whether this is a
routing issue or a saturation/starvation (i.e. feast or
famine) problem. The next step will be a determination of
how to be pro-active here, and prevent this issue from
happening again.
Note: 20 Anke Dosedal of cisco systems believes that the bug is a
06/07/95 15:57 serious problem. He is submitting a purchase req. for
cjw at least one "orb" of Smarties for their lab in order to
try to reproduce this bug. I replied offering to send them
a value pack in an effort to facilitate the debugging effort
---Cathy
Note: 21 I was just reminded that Anke is not a HIM, but a HER.
06/07/95 17:00 Terribly sorry Anke! --- Cathy
cjw
Note: 22 Anke (cisco) replies that one orb probably won't be
06/08/95 06:31 sufficient for the testing purposes and believes the testing
kjc lab might need two. Jim Helvie heartily welcomes input from
us to help reproduce the problem and further details that
the quantity of Smarties orbs required will of course depend
upon the difficulty of debugging & then testing the fix.
For a bug that may affect the future of "the PlaNET" cisco
will want to do a lot of testing.
Note: 23 The Godzillagram of Smarties was picked up from Medford, MA
06/08/95 08:32 at 17:20 on 06/07/95.
kjc
Route thus far:
o Left Origin Location MEDFORD MA 06/07 20:26
o Pickup Exception MEDFORD MA 06/07 17:20
Note: 24 Bud Osterberg formarly of Quorum, now at Oracle sends this
06/08/95 12:06 note, "Well, I just wanted you to know that I can sympathize
cjw with your current situation. I recall the agonizing days
when our coffee machine was in the ICU. Just keep your
spirits up, sugar is on the way! -- bud
Note: 25 Jim Lewinson of ISI suggests that the problem may be some
06/08/95 12:59 sort of hardware problem, perhaps involving the cable or
cjw transciever manufacturer.
Has this been investigated as a possibility?
---Cathy
Note: 26 The cables were in use before attempting to pass Smarties,
06/08/95 13:07 working normally. Post-testing period, cables continue to
kjc work flawlessly (after they were wiped off). I'd be
inclined to believe this is a protocol issue rather than a
problem with the hardware.
Note: 27 The 3 - "5 Pound Value Packs" of Smarties have "Left Hub
06/08/95 16:03 INDIANAPOLIS IN" 3 times now:
jbehrle o Package Left Hub INDIANAPOLIS IN 06/08 14:52
o Package Left Hub INDIANAPOLIS IN 06/08 15:10
o Package Left Hub INDIANAPOLIS IN 06/08 14:36
Suspect we've hit a routing loop, or were seeing packet
fragmentation...
Note: 28 Concerned about a routing loop, or packet fragmentation, I
06/08/95 16:35 called "1-800-Go-FedEx" and spoke to Connie. Connie assured
jbehrle me that the packet "is still in one piece", and that it was
probably handled by three different people in Indianapolis
and scanned by each of them. Am still a bit suspicious of a
possible routing-loop, but the NOC will continue to monitor.
Note: 29 Lisa DeBruine a College of Literature, Science, and the Arts
06/08/95 20:01 Student at the University of Michigan reports that in her
jbehrle experiences "chocolate covered strawberries are a better
substitute for Smarties than Smarties themselves", but she
agrees that they are "not as cost-effective". I suspect she
has never attempted to use carrier pigeons to transport 15lb
of Smartie packets, which I should point out is not only
expensive, but real messy too. X.500 at Umich points out tha
Lisa enjoys Kool-Aid "finger Lisa.M.De.Bruine@umich.edu".
Note: 30 Nora Lundin from BBN WR admits that during the heat of the
06/08/95 23:28 crisis she stumbled upon and purchased mini Sweet Tarts,
jbehrle disguised as Smarties (Same twisty wrapper, same shape and
size as Smarties). She reports that "To my surprise, while
they only fooled people for a moment, they seemed to be an
adequate substitute, and a few have even commented that the
flavor was better than Smarties'". Nora points out the it
is not clear if mini Sweet Tarts will ever permanently
replace Smarties, but they might do in a pinch...
Note: 31 Elizabeth Kaufman of BBN Planet SP offers to help in any way
06/09/95 08:08 she can. She has extended the support of the entire SP
dricci development team. She warns that SP is not currently
"Smarties-capable;" and reports that some have even claimed
it has no smarts at all. They are working on a custom
Smarties-proxy, to be released Q1, Elizabeth expect to
announce "which fiscal year sometime in the next 10 weeks".
The proxy is expected to be fully TIS-compatible (so it
melts in your mouth, not in your Gauntlet).
Note: 32 The 3 - "5 Pound Value Packs" of Smarties appear to have
06/09/95 09:47 cleared the routing-loop in INDIANAPOLIS, and have reached
jbehrle FedEx's MENLO PARK Hub. We have high confidence that
successful deliverey is imminent!
Note: 33 It appears that we may have hit another routing loop:
06/09/95 10:06 o Package on Van MENLO PARK CA 06/09 08:19
jbehrle o Package on Van MENLO PARK CA 06/09 06:48
Note: 34 The 3 - "5 Pound Value Packs" of Smarties have successfully
06/09/95 11:04 arrived in the WR. Witnessed the rejoicing in the WR NOC
jbehrle via a BBN PicWin IP video conference!!!
The "FedEx Airbill Tracking Information" is still reporting:
"Package has not been Delivered!"???
Note: 35 This issue has demonstrated that the NOC at HQ does not have
06/09/95 11:18 adequate tools in place to monitor the "orb of Smarties"
jbehrle in BBN Planet WR. If we had we could have prevented this
problem before it became critical! Working with Len Rose
of BBN Planet WR to see if we can get a "SmartieCam"
setup on the Web for proactive monitor of the WR's
"orb of Smarties".
Note: 36 Len Rose reports that "We will have the Smarties Real Time
06/09/95 12:05 Monitor installed sometime later today. The url will be
jbehrle http://www.netsys.com:/smarties.html (jpeg) In order to
monitor the orb, they will have to be relocated to my
office since we do not have a coax cable that will reach
their normal location."
Note: 37 At this point we have seen over 1200 finger requests for
06/09/95 12:21 this ticket. Requests are coming in at more that 100/hour.
smiller
Just a note to our viewers, this is only a test, if this
had been an actual emergency you would have been directed
to let BBN Planet manage your Internet Services. We promise
to work just as hard to get your IP packets to their
destination :^)
BBN Planet,"How Business does Business on the Internet!"
Note: 38 Kobi from the BBN Planet SER NOC reports that they have
06/09/95 13:44 uncovered a similar problem in College Park, MD. Per Kobi:
jbehrle "In fact, it has been suggested that the problem is much
more serious; there is no record of the SER *ever* having a
cache of smarties". Kobi hopes to avert a similar crisis in
SER, she plans to obtain a "Sam's" card today so Smarties
should be available in bulk in the SER NOC shortly. Kobi,
please keep us posted, as we can always try to fire up the
carrier pigeons for one more run...
Note: 39 Mark Moraes from D. E. Shaw & Co, has offered to assist in
06/09/95 13:56 Smarties network testing on the Wellfleet router platform.
jbehrle Mark reports "We invariably use Gummi Bears to test our
New York-London link", as their systems person in London
"has this deep-seated addiction for candy".
Mark, We welcome your assistance, as we suspect this is an
internet-wide problem. It appears that MCI BIPP opened TT#
3001 on this issue, but as it has been closed as this prob
is beleived to be at the protocol-layer.
Note: 40 Len Rose of the WR is pleased to announce that there is now
06/09/95 14:10 a real time SmartieCam(sm) installed at:
dricci http://www.netsys.com/smarties.html
This will enable real time monitoring of the Smarties
situation in the BBN Planet WR.
Note: 41 The "FedEx Airbill Tracking Information" finally confirms
06/09/95 15:16 that the "Package has been Delivered!". It reports the
jbehrle delivery time was 10:44 PST, and that it was signed for by
"K.NAYLOR" Kristin Naylor, our temp WR receptionist.
Some of us saw the rejoicing live over the Internet back
in note 34. Suspect that FedEx will be out of business
if Cisco ever adds a 'Heisenberg Compensator' to their 7000
line ;-)
Note: 42 In ref to note 31, Bob Stratton from UUNET Security Services
06/09/95 17:14 extends the following cautionary note "Experimental
jbehrle transmissions of Skittles (the most similar traffic to
Smarties available at this site) through a TIS Gauntlet with
the optional h/w encryption card appears to produce output
(on the red-net BNC connector) roughly similar to 'chocolate
Magic Shell'." It is unclear if this substance produces
serious throughput bottlenecks (on hardening). Bob urges
the use of software crypto until this effect can be studied.
Note: 43 Cathy Wittbrodt called in to report the SmartiesCam(tm) is
06/09/95 21:55 non-functional. I have been able to confirm that we can
kjc reach http://www.netsys.com/cgibin/smarties from noc.bbn.com
without a problem. Recommend that Cathy check into her
local connectivity (she is at home).
Note: 44 It appears that the web browser on my laptop has some
06/09/95 22:38 problems. Sorry for the false alarm. --- Cathy
cjw
Note: 45 To catch up on some important information that did not make
06/10/95 00:00 it into the ticket, Peiter Zatko of the Internet Server
kjc group reports that "Front Door for Windows should have a
point-and-click interface for Smarties capabilities. The BBN
IServer server side software already has this capability
[per secret code implemented by Dan Franklin]. Unfortunately
the route for porting the smarties code implemented on the
Macintosh FrontDoor to the Windows frontdoor requires a 3rd
party library package which prevents the Windows programers
Note: 46 ...from doing any Windows programming."
06/10/95 00:20
kjc
Note: 47 John Rugo responded to Elizabeth Kaufman's Site Patrol issue
06/10/95 00:28 asking if the custom Smarties-proxy will include
kjc authentication with non-repudiation. He further details,
"There are unconfirmed reports that a company in the east
bay has learned of the Smarties crisis and has been shipping
product with the Smarties label but which are not the real
thing!"
Note: 48 Elizabeth Kaufman responds to John Rugo that he does in fact
06/10/95 00:31 raise a very complex set of security issues. "The proposed
kjc proxy...relies on the accuracy and integrity of the data
label (i.e., if it looks like a Smartie and comes from the
Smartie-place, it's a Smartie). I observe from Note 30 that
this policy has already resulted in the mistaken consumption
of "mini Sweet Tarts." Verifying content if we mistrust the
labels is technically complex- we could either go to a third
party CA (Candy Authority) infrastructure, or we could...
Note: 49 ...implement the sensory equivalent of checksumming, and
06/10/95 00:33 implement a "taste signature" on each proxy server. Do you
kjc have a preference? (BTW, do you believe the current crisis
to be a natural shortage, or a deliberate Denial-of-Smarties
attack?)"
*
Len Rose asserts that "WE MUST ASSURE that we are safe from
Smartie-Spoofing."
Note: 50 I believe I can report from personal experience that using
06/10/95 01:08 the sensory equivalent of checksumming in conjunction with a
kjc taste signature will lead to a stomach ache unless the
implementation of Taste Buds works on a personnel rotation
basis (i.e. limiting individual consumption to a reasonable
number of packets where "reasonable" prevents nausea).
However, here we run into variability in accordance with
different people's ability to distinguish between Smarties,
Mini Sweet Tarts and other similar products.
Note: 51 It has been suggested that CERT might want a heads-up on an
06/10/95 08:01 issue of possibly large scale importance - namely reports of
kjc Denial-of-Smarties attacks occuring throughout various
regions of the Internet from unknown sources. Additionally,
there have been reports of Smartie-Spoofing by cleverly
disguised "mini Sweet Tarts." If true this issue could make
the Morris Worm look like a benign geek prank.
Note: 52 I think it would be in BBN PlaNET's best interest NOT to
06/10/95 12:03 involve the CERT in this issue, as it is a contained
tdias problem and a CERT advisory concerning this issue would
only cause an Internet-wide panic, comparable to the SATAN
and IP-Spoofing advisories, i.e. the NOC would have a heck
of a time with all the Smarties Spoofing filters that would
have to be installed.
Also the CERT has no sense of humor, from past experiences.
Note: 53 I received a call from Moira, from the CERT. Someone, had
06/10/95 12:40 mailed the CERT concerning this issue. (KJC, naughty,
tdias naughty) She wished to know, the impact of this issue, and
how we'd like the CERT to be involved, especially with the
Smarties Spoofing incidents that have occured. She indicate
d that the CERT will possibly create an notice concerning
this issue, on 06/12/95, or at least offer their services at
that time. Futher she indicated, that...
************* CONTINUED ***********
Note: 54 ******** continued from previous note ***************
06/10/95 12:44 ... that the CERT does have M&M's technology and is aware
tdias of several issues involving them, but that their Smarties
experience is rather limited, in fact, Moira was the only
person, within the CERT NOC who was aware of Smarties,
because she's originaly from the UK, where Smarties are
plentiful and she had to inform other CERT NOC'ers of what
Smarties are. Finally she indicated, through her patience &
understanding that note 52 is wrong; the CERT has humor.
Note: 55 Oh ya, I finally tasted a Smartie today. The suckers are
06/10/95 12:55 vile; it was like licking the inside of a Kool-Aid packet
tdias or emptying out a whole Pixie stick on your tongue at once.
I would think that only a surplus of those toxic little
tablets would be something to be worried about and a
shortage of them would be something to rejoice.
Gummi Bears,btw, are much better. (Tony attempts a flamewar)
Note: 56 A minor flame war has ensued between BBN Planet's
06/10/95 15:12 New England region (formerly NEARNET) and BBN Planet's
tdias Southeastern region (formerly SURANET)
(Hey it was the only element missing from this saga.)
Note: 57 The latest count of acessing the soon-to-be legendary
06/10/95 17:44 "Smarties" ticket, stands at 1777 as of
tdias Sat Jun 10 17:27:04 1995. Here are some of the domains that
have fingered us: (get your mind out of the gutter)
ucl.ac.uk, cisco.com, ludd.luth.se, dec.com, mit.edu,
netcom.com, world.std.com, ftp.com, cnri.reston.va.us,
convex.com, evtech.com, rutgers.edu, umd.edu, uunet.ca,
uiuc.edu, marble.com, ora.com, toronto.edu, qualcomm.com
************ CONTINUED ****************
Note: 58 Think.COM, bellcore.com, buffalo.edu, nasa.gov,
06/10/95 17:52 kochi-u.ac.jp, liero.cc.lut.fi, swissbank.com,
tdias nyu.edu, anu.edu.au, apple.com, cern.ch, umich.edu.
interpath.net, realtime.net, columbia.edu, wais.com,
and osf.org
Note: 59 Try not to pay too much attention to the rants and raves
06/12/95 09:33 of Tony Dias (tdias) in notes 52-58 as it has come to our
jbehrle attention that Tony was suffering from a sugar rush
overload, at the time...
Note: 60 Nora Lundin from the WR will be send a supply of the
06/12/95 09:35 cleverly disguised "mini Sweet Tarts" to the HQ and SER
jbehrle NOC's for additional Smartie-Spoofing testing.
Note: 61 On Wed, 07 Jun 1995 at 14:53:22 Cisco released the "Cisco
06/12/95 09:37 Smarties Advisory" (CSCdi35420) warning of a vulnerability
jbehrle in Cisco's IOS software when the 'smarties' keyword is used
in extended foodstuff access control lists. It warns that:
"This bug can, under very specific circumstances and only
with certain consumption units, allow unauthorized sugar
products that resemble Smarties such as 'Skittles' and
'M&Ms' to circumvent a filtering router".
Note: 62 Massachusetts local Security Contractor Hobbit reports that
06/13/95 07:22 a temporary solution to Smarties leakage may be in the form
kjc of a new package from Italy called SPREE, currently in beta
testing. It can wrap traffic inside DES, 3DES or IDEA sugar
coating, using color-coded Drakes-Hershey key exchange at
the beginning of the session. He notes that while the
resulting SPREE-encapsulated packets are theoretically 2^63
times harder to crack open than UUNet's Skittles, they are
big & hard & difficult to push through the ST connectors...
Note: 63 ...on some network hubs. One of the beta testers has
06/13/95 07:25 suggested possible lozenge deformation in rare cases where
kjc transmission media are run close to hot steam pips as on
larger college campuses. This problem has not yet been
thoroughly reviewed by the candographic community at large,
but alert users will quickly become aware of the problem if
their arriving SPREEs start appearing gummi.
Note: 64 All of us in Western Region have gotten back to our normal
06/13/95 14:49 sugar high. It is good to know that there is such a spirit
cjw of cooperation out there. Thanks to everyone for your ideas
and support. We will continue to monitor the Smarties bugs
filed with various vendors and will keep the community
up to date on the status. ---Cathy
Problem Solution:
We will continue to monitor the Smarties bugs filed with
various vendors and will keep the community up to date on
the status.
Date: Wed, 8 Aug 2001 08:40:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"The meek shall inherit the Earth, the rest of us will go to the stars..."
- Dr. Isaac Asimov
Date: Thu, 9 Aug 2001 09:09:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: What if Earth First! handicapped the NFL?
The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL
Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be
banned. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when you're not out
spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution -
mongering crime against the Earth. But when you're watching 22 steroid -
chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless
in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?
We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is
Right.
Our General Principles:
1. Any animal is better than any human.
2. Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
3. Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
minorities are better than any other human.
4. Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than humans
guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans guilty of crimes
against the Earth.
5. Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.
Some Special Cases:
1. Dolphins are the ultimate.
2. People who believe in their country are the absolute worst - lower
than whale doodoo.
And so, the Rankings:
1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams
7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
9. Detroit Lions
Indianapolis Colts
11. Washington Native Americans
12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
13. Cleveland Players Of Color
14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced
15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you)
17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh
20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets
21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers
22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers
27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs
Date: Fri, 10 Aug 2001 08:20:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: geek .sig OTD
For all of our Windows friends, to the tune of "100 Bottles of Beer":
63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs,
ya get 1 whacked with a service pack,
now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!!
Date: Mon, 13 Aug 2001 09:44:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Mood ring
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves
a red mark on his forehead.
Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2001 08:44:40 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: wisdom
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her
bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to
drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of
whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and
poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother
drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had
drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing
out the window, she said, "Don't sell that cow."
Date: Wed, 15 Aug 2001 11:45:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: idiot of the day
from the Keynoter...
A taxi driver who picked up a fare early Wednesday in Islamorada had his
radio taken away so he couldn't communicate, and he was forced to drive
the man around until the man passed out, according to the Monroe County
Sheriff's Office.
Deputies say the driver picked up George Langston of Tavernier at the
Caribbean Club in Key Largo just after 4 a.m. Langston said he wanted to
go to Arbor Lane in Tavernier, where he lives, deputies said.
He sat in the front seat of the cab and, as they were driving
southbound, lit up a stogie. The driver told him he couldn't smoke,
Langston ignored him, so the driver pulled over and told him to get out.
At that point, deputies say, Langston grabbed the driver's radio and
threatened to beat him with it. He allegedly told the driver to continue
driving and said if he tried to pull over again, he would grab the
steering wheel and steer the car into the ditch.
Then Langston passed out. He woke to charges of theft, robbery, false
imprisonment and aggravated assault.
Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2001 08:37:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: quotes...
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront
the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word
or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of
it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I
went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I
locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a
window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding
ticket."
"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me
to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,
and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still
ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it...half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
rectal thermometer...and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I
did was tell her."
Date: Fri, 17 Aug 2001 11:34:46 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Bush resting after surgery
Bush rests comfortably after surgery
Thanks to a device similar to the one in Vice President Dick Cheney's
heart, the nation has healthy, clear-thinking, plain-speaking leaders
again.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Tom McNichol
July 13, 2001 | WASHINGTON -- In the second White House health scare in
little more than a week, doctors Wednesday night implanted a sophisticated
pacemaker in President Bush's brain. The device, known as an Implantable
Cranial Defibrillator, or ICD, continuously monitors and records the
president's brain waves. When Mr. Bush's brain activity becomes
dangerously slow for a chief executive, the device delivers a mild
electric shock, jolting the president back to a relatively active mental
state.
"I feel good," the president told reporters several hours after the
operation. Bush then twitched noticeably. "I mean, I feel well," he said.
Doctors say the implant is performing flawlessly, although they're trying
to limit the number of shocks Bush receives to fewer than 100 a day. The
surgery came barely a week after Vice President Dick Cheney was fitted
with a device to regulate his irregular heartbeat. The White House
portrayed last night's medical procedure as an "insurance policy" against
further problems for the president. At a news conference at George
Washington University Hospital, where the operation was performed, doctors
downplayed the seriousness of Bush's condition. The periodic electric
jolts from the implant, physicians say, will have minimal effect on the
president. "His hair is not going to stand on end," said chief surgeon Dr.
Alan J. Thayer. "Well, maybe a little."
The president, looking tired but fit after his operation, said that the
device will help him function better as a world leader. "The American
people need to know that their president is equipped to handle a trouble
spot like Slovenia," Mr. Bush said. "Serbia, I mean Serbia," he added, his
head jerking violently.
Bush has an extensive medical history of moderately impaired thinking and
reasoning, dating back to the 1970s. Doctors have long noted that the
president's thoughts easily become confused, and that his public
pronouncements often deteriorate into a tangle of mispronunciations,
faulty logic and bad grammar. Although Bush's condition wasn't serious
enough to prevent him from running for president, or from winning the
state of Florida, doctors say his condition has deteriorated significantly
in recent months. The president's brain wave activity dipped dangerously
low during his recent trip to Europe, and stopped altogether at one point
during a meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin. The Russian
leader was unaware of any change in Mr. Bush's condition, officials say.
Yesterday, the president's doctors subjected him to a battery of mental
tests to assess his risk of developing a potentially fatal "zero brain
wave" pattern. Once the risk was confirmed, surgeons decided to implant
the electronic device, which acts both as a pacemaker and a defibrillator.
The pacemaker component is programmed to speed up the president's thinking
when it becomes abnormally slow. The defibrillator can shock his brain
back to a normal state if Bush's thoughts become "too fast," although
doctors say that the chances of that happening are remote.
The device that doctors sutured to the base of the president's cerebellum
is known as a Medtronic Gem IV DR model. (There were some problems with an
earlier model, which had to be recalled by the manufacturer.) Such
devices, once the stuff of science fiction, have become an increasingly
common tool in modern neurology. Hundreds of prominent Americans have been
fitted with so-called mental pacemakers in recent years, including actor
Adam Sandler, TV personality Mary Hart, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner,
singer Britney Spears, Rep. Gary Condit, D-Calif., former vice president
Dan Quayle, and the entire board of directors of the now-defunct Pets.com.
Some of those who wear a mental pacemaker expressed hope that the
president's condition would raise public awareness about their
circumstance. "This may turn out to be a blessing in the skies for all of
us," said talk show host Maury Povich, who was fitted with one of the
first Medtronic devices four years ago. Mr. Povich trembled violently from
head to toe before adding, "I mean disguise, disguise, for God's sake,
turn it off."
Bush has been advised to avoid deep thoughts for a few days to give the
device a chance to settle in place. Doctors say the president so far has
cooperated fully with the recommendation. Bush has also been told to
alternate holding his cell phone against his right and left ear so the
implant receives equal doses of radiation from each side. And the
president will have to run at full speed whenever passing through White
House metal detectors.
Several congressional leaders privately expressed concern about the
president's medical procedure, coming barely a week after Cheney was
fitted with a device to regulate his irregular heartbeat. But Bush
dismissed the worries, stating that the Bush-Cheney team is "more fit than
ever" to lead the country.
"You'll find no healthier duo than Dick Cheney and I," Bush said. The
president hesitated, as if waiting for a signal, and when none came, broke
into a toothy grin.
Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001 09:59:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending
over."
- Frank Zappa
Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001 15:54:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: geek humor
AOL: You've got mail!
Hotmail: You've got someone else's mail!
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 08:42:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD for court (custody/child support) day
"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
-- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 09:04:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: thought of the day
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral catheter into a
vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 08:15:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Mistaken Rapture
ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after
leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best
described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses. Thirteen
other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people
trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the
rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air,
and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.
"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of
the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everett Williams,
husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the
scene. "I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams
said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus
was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say. "This is the
strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul
Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked
like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his
way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup
truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium
which floated up into the air.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his
friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the
air in frustration, and said, "Come back here," just as the Williams' car
passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up
into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his
wife loved Jesus more than anything else. When asked for comments about
the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied, "This is all just too weird for me.
I never expected anything like this to happen."
Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2001 08:47:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Scary thought OTD
plaque seen over a bar:
"What is the hokey-pokey IS what it is all about?"
Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001 08:21:46 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: It's all in how you look at it...
A women received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a
fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medications for
her daughter. When returning to her car she found she had locked her keys
inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter, and didn't know what to
do.
She called her home to talk with the baby sitter, and was told her
daughter was getting worse. The baby sitter said, "You might find a coat
hanger and use that that to open the door."
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone
else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and
said, " I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God
for help.
An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, unkempt, bearded man with
a biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what
you sent to help me????."
But she was desperate, and thankful. The man got out of his car and
asked if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must
get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car."
He said, " Sure." He walked over to the car, and in seconds the car was
opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much...
You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for
car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud... "Thank you, God,
for sending me a professional!"
Date: Wed, 29 Aug 2001 08:34:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Never believe in anything until it has been officially denied."
-Otto von Bismarck
Date: Thu, 30 Aug 2001 09:03:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: first American baseball game
An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first
batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!" The Irish man
jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"
The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN!
RUN!" The Irish man jumped up yelling, "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
The third batter got up got ball 1... ball 2 ... ball 3 ... ball 4. The
umpire yelled, "Take your base!" The batter jogged to the base. The Irish
man jumped up and yelled, "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
Another fan looked at him and said, "He does not need to run, for he has
four balls!"
The Irish man's jaw dropped, and he turned and said, "Walk with pride,
lad! Walk with pride!"
Thanks for looking!
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