Date: Thu, 1 Aug 2002 08:16:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  sudden disclosure

  A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife
behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey,
I know we've been married for forty years, but I want a divorce."

  The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then
says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you
are."

  Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want
the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to
eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and
faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the
bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

  The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This
makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

  The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

  "Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

  Right before they slam into the wall at one hundred mph, the wife smiles
and says, "The airbag."

Date: Fri, 2 Aug 2002 09:46:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Drunk Driver

  A female police officer pulled over a drunk driver.

  She said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held
against you."

  The drunk replied, "Tits."

Date: Mon, 5 Aug 2002 09:04:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I'm partial to the abacus myself. Six thousand years with no operating
system updates -- you gotta respect that."
-Bruce Lewis

Date: Tue, 6 Aug 2002 06:23:46 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough
to give none.

Date: Wed, 7 Aug 2002 09:32:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate."
-- Marcus Terentius Varro

Date: Thu, 8 Aug 2002 07:40:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."

Date: Fri, 9 Aug 2002 07:05:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  memorial QOTD

"Computer science is as much about computers as astronomy is about
telescopes."
-- Edsger Wybe Dijkstra: 1930-2002

Date: Tue, 13 Aug 2002 05:12:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. -- Jayne Mansfield

Date: Wed, 14 Aug 2002 00:04:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The truth?  As *you* want to hear it?  Oh, no.  No, dear boy, you can't
afford me."
--Keith Moon, asked by a reporter to 'tell the truth for once'

Date: Thu, 15 Aug 2002 07:38:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  my kind of stunt...

note to all: do not try this at home.

-----

  I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5
minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking
ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?'  He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called
him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having bald tires!!  So I called him a horse's ass. He finished
the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I
abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was
parked around the corner...

Date: Fri, 16 Aug 2002 06:36:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  The Rule of LGOPS

  As some of you know, this cute little aphorism is so well known in the
Army and so accurate that it is actually built in, either formally or
informally, to most Op-Plans.  I just got reminded of it today and thought
I would pass it along...

-----

  The rule of LGOPs (LGOPs = Little Groups Of Paratroopers) - after the
demise of the best airborne plan, a most terrifying effect occurs on the
battlefield. This effect is known as the "Rule of LGOPs". This is, in its
purest form, a small group of "Pissed-Off American Paratroopers". They are
well trained, armed to the teeth, and lack serious supervision. They
collectively remember the Commander's Intent as "March to the sound of
guns, and kill anyone who isn't dressed like you..." or something like
that. Happily they go about the day's work!

Date: Mon, 19 Aug 2002 06:10:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  attitude is everything

  The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom
he grew up.  The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that
ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is
good!"

  One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition.  The
friend would load and prepare the guns for the king.  The friend had
apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after
taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown
off. Examining the situation, the friend remarked as usual, "This is
good!"

  To which the king replied, "No, this is not good!" and proceeded to send
his friend to jail.

  About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have
known to stay clear of.  Cannibals captured him and took him to their
village.  They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound
him to the stake.

  As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king
was missing a thumb.  Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was
less than whole.  So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

  As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his
thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went
immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.

  "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off."
And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened.  "And so,
I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long.  It was bad for me to
do this."

  "No," his friend replied, "This is good!"

  "What do you mean, 'This is good'?

  How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

  "If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you."

Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 06:52:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Good speech

Speech by former Air Combat Command Commander, Gen Hawley:

Since the attack, I have seen, heard, and read thoughts of such surpassing
stupidity that they must be addressed. You've heard them too. Here they
are:

1) "We're not good, they're not evil, everything is relative." Listen
carefully: We're good, they're evil, nothing is relative. Say it with me
now and free yourselves. You see, folks, saying "We're good" doesn't mean,
"We're perfect." Okay? The only perfect being is the bearded guy on the
ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. The plain fact is that our country has,
with all our mistakes and blunders, always been and always will be, the
greatest beacon of freedom, charity, opportunity, and affection in
history. If you need proof, open all the borders on Earth and see what
happens. In about half a day, the entire world would be a ghost town, and
the United States would look like one giant line to see "The Producers."

2) "Violence only leads to more violence." This one is so stupid you
usually have to be the president of an Ivy League University to say it.
Here's the truth, which you know in your heads and hearts already:
Ineffective, unfocused violence leads to more violence. Limp, panicky,
half-measures lead to more violence. However, complete,
fully-thought-through, professional, well-executed violence never leads to
more violence because, you see, afterwards, the other guys are all dead.
That's right, dead. Not "on trial," not "reeducated," not "nurtured back
into the bosom of love." Dead. D-E-Well, you get the idea.

3) "The CIA and the rest of our intelligence community has failed us." For
25 years we have chained our spies like dogs to a stake in the ground, and
now that the house has been robbed, we yell at them for not protecting us.
Starting in the late seventies, under Carter appointee Stansfield Turner,
the giant brains who get these giant ideas decided that the best way to
gather international intelligence was to use spy satellites. "After all,"
they reasoned, "you can see a license plate from 200 miles away." This is
very helpful if you've been attacked by a license plate. Unfortunately, we
were attacked by humans. Finding humans is not possible with satellites.
You have to use other humans. When we bought all our satellites, we fired
all our humans, and here's the really stupid part. It takes years, decades
to infiltrate new humans into the worst places of the world. You can't
just have a guy who looks like Gary Busey in a Spring Break '93 sweatshirt
plop himself down in a coffee shop in Kabul and say "Hi ya, boys. Gee, I
sure would like to meet that bin Laden fella." Well, you can, but all
you'd be doing is giving the bad guys a story they'll be telling for years.

4) "These people are poor and helpless, and that's why they're angry at
us. "Uh-huh, and Jeffrey Dahmer's frozen head collection was just a
desperate cry for help. The terrorists and their backers are richer than
Elton John and, ironically, a good deal less annoying. The poor helpless
people, you see, are the villagers they tortured and murdered to stay in
power. Mohamed Atta, one of the evil scumbags who steered those planes
into the killing grounds (I'm sorry, one of the "alleged hijackers,"
according to CNN. They stopped using the word "terrorist," you know), is
the son of a Cairo surgeon. But you knew this, too. In the sixties and
seventies, all the pinheads marching against the war were
upper-middle-class college kids who grabbed any cause they could think of
to get out of their final papers and spend more time drinking. At least,
that was my excuse. It's the same today. Take the Anti-Global-Warming (or
is it World Trade? Oh-who-knows-what-the-hell-they-want) demonstrators.
They all charged their black outfits and plane tickets on dad's credit
card before driving to the airport in their SUV's.

5) "Any profiling is racial profiling." Who's killing us here, the
Norwegians? Just days after the attack, the New York Times had an article
saying dozens of extended members of the gazillionaire bin Laden family
living in America were afraid of reprisals and left in a huff, never to
return to studying at Harvard and using too much Drakkar. I'm crushed. I
think we're all crushed. Please come back. With a cherry on top? Why
don't they just change their names, anyway? It's happened in the past.
Think about it. How many Adolph's do you run into these days? Shortly after
that, I remember watching TV with my jaw on the floor as a government
official actually said, "That little old grandmother from Sioux City could
be carrying something." Okay, how about this: No, she couldn't. It would
never be the grandmother from Sioux City. Is it even possible? What are
the odds? Winning a hundred Powerball Lotteries in a row? A thousand? A
million? And now a Secret Service guy has been tossed off a plane and we're
all supposed to cry about it because he's an Arab? Didn't it have the
tiniest bit to do with the fact that he filled out his forms incorrectly
three times? And then left an Arab history book on his seat as he strolled
off the plane? And came back? Armed? Let's please all stop singing "We
Are the World" for a minute and think practically! I don't want to be
sitting on the floor in the back of a plane four seconds away from hitting
Mt. Rushmore and turn, grinning, to the guy next to me to say, "Well, at
least we didn't offend them."

SO HERE'S what I resolve for the New Year: Never to forget our murdered
brothers and sisters. Never to let the "relativists" get away with their
immoral thinking. After all, no matter what your daughter's political
science professor says, we didn't start this. Have you seen that bumper
sticker that says, "No More Hiroshimas"? I wish I had one that says, "You
First. No More Pearl Harbors."

Date: Wed, 21 Aug 2002 06:44:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"There goes the good time that was had by all."
-- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet

Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 09:10:46 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
to sit still in a room."
-- Blaise Pascal

Date: Fri, 23 Aug 2002 11:14:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
by our children." -- Clarence Darrow

Date: Mon, 26 Aug 2002 06:43:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
-- Groucho Marx

Date: Tue, 27 Aug 2002 14:40:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Elvis is Everywhere...

  In 1977, on the day Elvis Presley died, there were three people who
worked as Elvis impersonators. Three years after his death, there were
over 500. By 1985, there were over 10,000 living, breathing tributes to
The King around the world. By the year 1990 that number had more than
quadrupled, and quadrupled again by 1995. Today, the numbers have grown to
the point where they can no longer be reliably tracked, but it's believed
that there is not a country in the world without at least one public,
living tribute to The King every week.

  Scientists estimate that if the current unchecked rate of growth
continues, by the year 2030 we will all be Elvis.

Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 08:11:09 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bumper sticker OTD

"Driver carries no cash - he's married."

Date: Thu, 29 Aug 2002 08:34:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

Working with UNIX is like wrestling a worthy opponent.  Working with
Windows is like attacking a small whining child who is carrying a .38.

Date: Fri, 30 Aug 2002 09:20:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  And now, for something completely different...

LESSONS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING "MONTY PYTHON":

1. Being a lumberjack is okay.

2. Spam spam spam spam spam.

3. When you're being stalked by a mob with raspberries, release a tiger.

4. Make sure your parrot is still living after you bought it.

5. Spam spam spam spam spam.

6. Watch out for people who nudge you constantly and ask you if you know
what they mean.

7. Never be rude to an Arab.

8. Every Sperm is Sacred.

9. Always look on the bright side of life.

10. No one Expects the Spanish Inqui.... Oh bugger....

11. The Royal Navy is NOT a haven of cannibalism, they have the problem
relatively under control...

12. Spam spam spam spam spam

13. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not
from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

14. Humor can occasionally be lethal.

15. Adopt, adapt and Improve.

16. Spam spam spam spam spam

17. Learning how not to be seen also involves not choosing obvious cover.

18. Make sure the cheese shop is fully stocked.

19. Don't eat the after dinner mint.

20. Spam spam spam spam sp--SHUT UP!!! ...bloody vikings...