Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2003 08:00:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Ever feel like this?

Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

Date: Mon, 4 Aug 2003 07:35:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed."
-- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia

Date: Tue, 5 Aug 2003 07:29:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  The Lion

  A lion in the zoo was lying the sun licking its ass when a visitor
turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?"

  "No way," said the zoo keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the
zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and
completely devoured him."

  "Hardly seems possible," said the astonished visitor, "but why is it
lying there licking its ass?'

  The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

Date: Wed, 6 Aug 2003 07:35:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Some Pop Culture Milestones

20 Years Ago: The Hunger w/Catherine Deneuve, David Bowie, Susan Surandon
& Bauhaus in the opening scene...

30 Years Ago: British mini-invasion fronted by Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin,
Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Black Sabbath (Paul McCartney & Wings don't count)
provides great alternatives to sappy Top 40 as Billboard's weekly showcase
hosted by Casey Kasem reaches its ascendancy.

40 Years Ago: Desilu Studios begins production of two major
science-fiction series. The first will debut in late autumn on ABC and be
called The Outer Limits. The other was still in the planning stage and
would be headed by burgeoning screenwriter Gene Roddenberry.

50 Years Ago: House of Wax in 3D debuts, marking Vincent Price's first
foray into the horror genre.

60 Years Ago: Son of Dracula, marking Lon Chaney, Jr.'s turn at acting as
The Count with a rather interesting story that added new meaning to the
term Southern Gothic.

70 Years Ago: The launch of the Looney Tunes line at Warner Bros. Local
841, featuring the archetypal trickster Bugs Bunny.

Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2003 07:43:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  sniffer.........

  A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another
man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him.

  The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking
quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the
airline.

  The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the
best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

  The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

  Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for
a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handler's arm.

  He says "Good boy."

  The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number
for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.

  "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

  Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about,
sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places
two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying
cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

  "I like it!" says the first man.

  A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up
and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then
comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.

  The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly
well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

  The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!

Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2003 08:15:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  timely quote

  From Style section The Washington Post, dated Thursday, August 7, 2003,
C1, feature article on the California recall movement:

  "California is behaving badly, like a disheveled celebrity gone off her
meds. Broke and bipolar, babbling incoherently into an invisible phone;
toothless and trespassing and asking for help. Orange jumpsuit; darkened
roots. Dumped by both her agent and her publicist. The state is as
obsessed as ever with fresh starts and extreme makeovers. The recall is
frequently compared to some neat, new, vaguely obnoxious summertime
reality show, only this time it stars everybody, all 35 million or so
Californians, and it's not as tightly edited."

Date: Mon, 11 Aug 2003 07:58:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there."
-- Will Rogers

Date: Tue, 12 Aug 2003 08:46:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  card time

         The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, Someone to love.  After
meeting you ... (inside card) I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... (inside card) I
never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ... (inside card) That you're
not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...(inside card) Will
you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry ... (inside card) Someone other than you.

6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... (inside card) Almost
life-like!

7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. (inside card) Now
we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card) What do you
say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card) It's almost like you're
still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy ... (inside card) Did you
ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket ... (inside card) I'd miss you terribly and think of
you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your
birthday... (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!  (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi,
and West Virginia).

14. Looking back o'er the years we've been together, I can't help but
wonder ... (inside card) What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside card) Too bad no one
likes your husband.

16. How could two people as beautiful as you ... (inside card) Have such
an ugly baby?

Date: Wed, 13 Aug 2003 07:47:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  we had wondered

  Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.
The first began:  "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a
pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."

  The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident.
All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I
reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the
Olympics."

  The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high
on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse, head-on into a Santa Fe
freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was
the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Last year he became president of the
United States."

Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2003 07:51:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  after this week at work...

Last night while I lay sleeping,
I died or so it seems.
Then I went to heaven
But t'was only in my dreams.

But, it seems St. Peter met me,
There at the pearly gate.
He said, "I must check your record
So stand right here and wait.

I see where you drank whiskey,
And used tobacco, too.
Fact is you've done everything
That a good person shouldn't do.

We can't have people like you up here,
Your life was full of sin.
Then he read the last of my record,
Grasped my hand and said, "Come in."

He took me up to the Big Boss,
Said "Take him in and treat him well.
He worked for a Telecommunications company, sir.
He's already had his share of hell.

Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2003 09:03:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. 'When you
ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend'."
-- Mark Twain

Date: Mon, 18 Aug 2003 07:41:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  mechanical help

  "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
-- Lynn Lavner

Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2003 08:49:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Dancing in the confessional

  As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named
Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York
where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

  Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday
night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a
child.

  In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her
about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he
wanted to know what that meant.

  She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on
stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father
Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits,
handsprings and backflips.

  Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to
the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin'
out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Date: Wed, 20 Aug 2003 10:51:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Date: Thu, 21 Aug 2003 07:41:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  objectivity

  A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and  uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

  Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought  me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front
of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see
the back of mine!"

Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 07:21:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty."
-- Plato

Date: Mon, 25 Aug 2003 07:55:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law."
-- Thomas Jefferson, letter to Dr. Thomas Cooper, February 10, 1814

Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 08:58:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  tagline OTD

Heisenberg might have been here.

Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 07:21:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education."
-- Wilson Mizener

Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 07:27:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD 

"The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be
correct."
-- William of Occam

Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2003 07:31:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong."
-- Abraham Lincoln