Date: Tue, 3 Aug 2004 08:50:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

Blutarsky's Axiom: 
Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.

Date: Wed, 4 Aug 2004 08:50:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bumper sticker OTD

It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of 
everything. 

Date: Thu, 5 Aug 2004 08:50:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Pun time

  There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named 
because he had only one testicle.

  He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!

  After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

  The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

  Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good 
morning, Onestone..."

  He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he 
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next 
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

  The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

  Years went by, and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman 
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. 
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw 
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

  Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love 
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next 
day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

  What is the moral of this story?

"...You can't kill two birds with one stone."

Date: Mon, 9 Aug 2004 08:56:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink 
that they may live." 
-- Socrates 

Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 09:01:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bumper sticker OTW

...from our friends at the Keynoter:

"I'm from Florida, and I vote. Umm, never mind..."

Date: Wed, 11 Aug 2004 09:44:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the 
vexation of thinking." 
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831

Date: Thu, 12 Aug 2004 08:55:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I've been cursed by being a lazy perfectionist, which is a terrible 
combination."  
-- Claudia Black

Date: Fri, 13 Aug 2004 09:06:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit."  
-- Maureen Murphy

Date: Mon, 16 Aug 2004 09:00:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode." 
-- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs 

Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2004 13:45:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  How To Read Personal Ads

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish.................49
Adventurer.............Slept with all your friends
Athletic...............No tits
Average looking........Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful..............Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.......Does a lot of Ecstasy
Emotionally Secure.....Medicated
Feminist...............Fat ballbuster
Free spirit............Junkie
Friendship first.......Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun................... Annoying
Gentle.................Comatose
Good Listener..........Borderline Autistic
New-Age................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned..........Lights out, missionary position only, no BJ's
Open-minded............Desperate
Outgoing...............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.............Sloppy drunk
Poet...................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional...........Certified Bitch
Redhead................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque.........  .Grossly Fat
Romantic...............Looks better by candle light
Social.................Been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous.............Very Fat
Weight proportional w/height..Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate........ Stalker
Widow................. Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.........Old bat


MEN'S ADS

40-ish..............52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic............Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.....Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated............Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit.........Banging your sister
Friendship first....As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun.................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking........Arrogant
Very good looking...Dumb as a board
Honest..............Pathological Liar
Huggable............Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle.....Insecure mama's boy
Mature..............Older than your father
Open-minded.........Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's
                     not interested
Physically fit......Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive...........Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive......Gay
Spiritual...........Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable..............Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful..........Says "Excuse me" when he farts

Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 08:50:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bumper sticker OTD

One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.

Date: Thu, 19 Aug 2004 16:09:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  the Gods have a sense of humor...

  Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed 
down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot.

  Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no smell.

  "What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.

  "Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her 
shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and 
then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and 
then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her 
own Dillard's bag and cover it.

  They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their 
goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left 
Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they 
ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

  They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over 
to Luby's Cafeteria.

  After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they 
had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk. BUT 
not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red 
gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and 
then hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked 
out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed 
look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could 
think how to respond.

  "Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!" 
Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she 
thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief.

  Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed 
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her 
gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the 
Dillard's bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing 
her tray toward the cashier.

  Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, 
the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty 
chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green 
beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. 
Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience 
three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the 
bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The 
noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing 
and clutching her upper chest.

  The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and 
sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver. 
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained 
riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance 
arrived. In a matter of minutes the curly-haired woman emerged from the 
crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS 
volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up 
her belongings.

  The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind 
the ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.

Date: Fri, 20 Aug 2004 08:46:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I mean."
-- Mark Twain

Date: Mon, 23 Aug 2004 22:14:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-  
sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at parties."
-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"

Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 09:12:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Wal-Mart Wine?

  Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount 
item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is 
teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the 
spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Thought you would like 
to be first in line to buy some!  
   
  While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of 
Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap 
wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams 
University in Bristol, R.I.  She said: "The right name is important."  

So, here we go--the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:  

12. Chateau Traileur Parc  
11. White Trashfindel  
10. Big Red Gulp  
9. Grape Expectations  
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"  
7. NASCARbernet  
6. Chef Boyardeaux  
5. Peanut Noir  
4. Chateau des Moines  
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!  
2. World Championship Riesling  

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine  

1. Nasti Spumante  

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat 
(Possum) and red meat (squirrel).  

Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 09:00:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon lectures which 
are really worth the attending." 
-- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" 

Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2004 08:48:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what 
parents were created for." 
-- Ogden Nash 

Date: Fri, 27 Aug 2004 09:52:40 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  It's a miracle!!!!!!!

  A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's 
stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

  The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine 
bottle on the floor, and asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

  The minister replies, "Just water."

  The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"

  The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's 
done it again!"

Date: Mon, 30 Aug 2004 09:01:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own." 
-- Nelson Algren 

Date: Tue, 31 Aug 2004 08:52:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"No man has a natural right to commit aggression on the natural rights
of another; and this is all from which the laws ought to restrain him."
-- Thomas Jefferson