August 1998...
Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 10:02:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Rodney Dangerfield's best one liners
Here are some of Rodney Dangerfield's best one liners...
• A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, theres
nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
• If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
• And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing
to play with.
• During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.
• One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for?
He said .... Because you came home early.
• Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.
• When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.
• My mother never breast fed m... She told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
• My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with hiswallet.
• When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and sai to
my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ....but he
pulled through.
•My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finge to
my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help m find
my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said
..I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
• On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me Last
year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I
answer the door the kids hand me candy.
•My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
•I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
• I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and loo in
the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I
don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
• My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don'
mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
• When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over
and said. Look ... twins!
• I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told
me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 10:11:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: One liner collection
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Why don't the cheerleaders in San Francisco where short skirts?
Because when they sit down, their balls hang out.
What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
Someone is losing a trailer!
Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 10:38:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: All I need to know I learned...
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM "THE PRINCESS BRIDE"
=============================================================
Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
Never assume someone is left-handed just because they swordfight that way.
Thibault tends to cancel out Capo Ferro.
...Unless your enemy has studied his Agrippa.
Don't count somebody out just because you think he's dead; he may be only
mostly dead.
If he is all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do...
If a man introduces himself, reveals that you killed his father, and tells
you to prepare to die, RUN!
There's not a lot of money in revenge.
Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
You use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when
you only have to deal with one.
You can get a lot of help from people just by giving them the opportunity
to humiliate a former employer.
People in masks can not be trusted.
It's not my fault I'm the biggest and strongest; I don't even exercise.
Nobody withstands the machine.
If you find yourself in the Pit of Despair, don't even think about trying
to escape.
Who says life is fair? Where is that written?
Get used to disappointment.
Sometimes, when a man says "As you wish", he's really saying "I love you".
Sometimes, when a woman treats you like low-life scum, she's really saying
"I love you".
Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
Pirates are not known to be men of their words.
We are men of action. Lies do not become us.
When someone shouts "Surrender!", it's probably a command, not an offer.
If you've killed a man's father, never promise him 'everything he asks for'.
Plato, Aristotle, and Socates were not really morons.
Never assume that the poison is in the other glass.
When all else fails, go back to the beginning.
Don't bother leaping against a locked door. You'll never get it to open.
Get the strong guy to knock it down instead.
When listing your assets, don't forget about the wheelbarrow.
The bottom of a staircase is a great place for an ambush.
No matter how happy you are to see your true love, if he says "Gently",
listen to him.
There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world.
A man who says he's no one of consequence is probably lying.
He IS using the same wind we are using.
Local fishermen don't take pleasure cruises at night through eel-infested
waters.
This is not as easy as it looks.
There are things worse than being unemployed in Greenland.
When you meet a man with six fingers on his right hand, don't tell him
that someone was looking for him.
Someday you may not mind the kissing so much.
If the people who just scared off all of your flunkies and lifted open
your portcullis ask you for the gate key, don't pretend you don't have
one. You'll just get your arms torn off.
Rodents of Unusual Size really do exist.
The trees in the Fireswamp are actually quite lovely.
Take a deep breath before you dive into the lightning sand.
If you're going on a trip by boat, one sidekick who doesn't swim and one
who can only dogpaddle just won't cut it.
Move the thing ... and ... that other thing!
Sometimes it's best to skip to the end.
If someone challenges you to a battle of wits, they know something you
don't know.
You're very smart. Shut up.
When your evil fiance offers to help you find the man you really love,
he's probably trying to kill one or both of you.
Remember the location of that secret knot.
If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything.
The prince always gets the armrest.
Don't bother me with trifles!
You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.
An overdeveloped sense of vengeance will get you into trouble someday.
When you do something right, don't let it go to your head.
Date: Thu, 6 Aug 1998 10:38:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Divine Intervention
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was
an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had
to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick
and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate
Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course
about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet
anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking
down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away
with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the
pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS
A 420 YARD HOLE I ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord
and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Date: Fri, 7 Aug 1998 10:49:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The comeback Line of the century...
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of
Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged
with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and
there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't."
He stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson
went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a
pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it,
and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really
into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon
Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until
officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then
looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn ... is it
midnight already?"
Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998 07:12:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Only in America
Only in America...
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave
useless junk in the garage.
...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the
first place.
...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli"
in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998 03:23:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Royal Navy is at it again...
testosterone can be SO tacky... :)
---------------------------------------
Sailors campaign to sink 'HMS Fluffy'
BY MICHAEL EVANS, DEFENCE CORRESPONDENT
THE ROYAL NAVY has become too soft and fluffy in its choice of warship
names, according to sailors in a frigate now returning from a tough
assignment in the South Atlantic.
The crew of HMS Brave, which is due back next month after a seven-month
tour to the Falklands, want ships to be given macho names like HMS Terror,
HMS Tiger, HMS Indomitable and HMS Implacable.
They claim that their ship is the only frigate with a remotely
"hard-as-nails" name, although they acknowledge a degree of machismo in
HMS Iron Duke and HMS Boxer. The ones they object to are HMS Beaver - a
"fluffy animal" - and all the warships "picked at random from the road
atlas of Britain", such as HMS Norfolk, HMS Westminster and HMS
Cumberland. Worst of all, they say, is HMS St Albans, a new Type 23 Duke
class frigate, not yet in service. "It sounds like it's named after a
shopping centre," they complain in a letter to Navy News.
"In this age of political correctness, are we to continue the trend
towards inoffensive, soft and cuddly and occasionally downright dull ship
naming?" the sailors ask.
The letter adds: "Many would seem to want to skirt around the fact that
the Navy actually has anything to do with fighting. We feel that if we are
required to go to war, the least we can expect is to head off with the
advantage of sounding hard." Not all the warships in the old days were
macho. A ship built in 1917 was called HMS Chrysanthemum.
(A letter in today's edition)
No room for 'Pansy' in today's RN?
From Captain Peter Elphick
Sir, It was with Delight (destroyer 1932) that I read your report on the
appropriateness or otherwise of naval ships' names (March 28). There has
always been a Griper (gunboat 1879) or two around to take exception to
the naming of particular ships. On top of that we now live in an age where
one must be very Careful (gunboat 1856) not to give offence.
Amongst "hard-as-nails" past names which would probably be considered
politically incorrect these days are Ravager (escort carrier 1942),
Bouncer (gunboat 1881) and Bruiser (LST 1942).
On the other hand, unless manned (if that's the right word) by an
all-female crew, Delphinium and Honeysuckle (corvettes 1940) hardly seem
to be names to boast about serving aboard in the dockside bars of
Portsmouth and Plymouth.
Even worse would be to have HMS Pansy (sloop 1916) emblazoned on one's
cap ribbon. And what would today's tough shellbacks make of serving in
Frolic and Fancy (minesweepers 1943)?
The most Extravagant (fireship 1692) and inappropriate name for a ship
of war is perhaps Peace (fireship 1687), although my own Favourite
(corvette 1864) for the prize for inappropriateness is Dove (destroyer
1898). Or perhaps Olive Branch (fireship 1673) is a good candidate.
One suspects that the demands made by sailors in Navy News that they be
allowed to sail away with the Advantage (18-gun ship 1613) of sounding
"hard" were made with tongues in cheek. If so, the apparent controversy is
best summed up by the name of a 26-gun vessel of 1546, Bull.
Anyway, it is to be doubted whether any attempt to Badger (destroyer
1911) the First Sea Lord, who has the last say in naming ships, will meet
with Success (destroyer 1918). So Hard Lines (requisitioned boom defence
vessel 1915).
Yours faithfully,
PETER ELPHICK,
Dorney House, Dorney,
Buckinghamshire SL4 6QW.
March 28.
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1998 03:39:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Political Satire
The wives of four world leaders were having "tea" and the topic was
raised of what one diplomatically calls a gentleman's man-hood in their
language.
Tony Blair's wife said in England people call it a gentleman, because it
stands up when women are entering.
Jaques Chirac's wife said in France you call it a curtain, because it
goes down after the act.
Boris Yeltsin's wife said in Russia you call it a patriot, because you
never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
Bill Clinton's wife said that in the USA you call it a rumor, because it
goes from mouth to mouth.
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 1998 03:17:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: you know you're drinking too much coffee when...
You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
- You answer the door before people knock.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away, without using the
timer.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse, and you don't
even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- All your kids are named "Joe."
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated, just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a
coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
- You get drunk just so you can sober up.
- Your Thermos is on wheels.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee
to get you in the mood.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998 03:20:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: "the heart of communication"
You have to love it when your RBOC (regional Bell operating company)
loses control of their own domain name... this is from a session off
my machine last night... notice the "on hold" line for status...
--------------------------------
[bbauer@fire ~]$ whois bellatlantic.net
[rs.internic.net]
Registrant:
Bell Atlantic Internet Solutions (BELLATLANTIC2-DOM)
1880 Campus Commons Drive
Reston, VA 20191-1512
US
Domain Name: BELLATLANTIC.NET
Domain Status: On Hold
Administrative Contact, Technical Contact, Zone Contact:
BAIS NOC (BN102-ORG) BANETDC@BELLATLANTIC.NET
(703) 295-4583
Fax- - (703) 264-7473
Billing Contact:
NOC (NO334-ORG) BANETDC@BELLATLANTIC.NET
(703) 295-4583
Fax- (703) 264-7473
Record last updated on 12-Aug-98.
Record created on 28-Jun-96.
Database last updated on 13-Aug-98 05:29:34 EDT.
Domain servers in listed order:
WORLD1.BAWAVE.COM 199.45.32.37
WORLD2.BELLATLANTIC.NET 151.196.0.37
WORLD3.BELLATLANTIC.NET 151.199.0.37
WORLD4.BELLATLANTIC.NET 151.197.0.37
WORLD5.BELLATLANTIC.NET 151.198.0.37
The InterNIC Registration Services database contains ONLY
non-military and non-US Government Domains and contacts.
Other associated whois servers:
American Registry for Internet Numbers - whois.arin.net
European IP Address Allocations - whois.ripe.net
Asia Pacific IP Address Allocations - whois.apnic.net
US Military - whois.nic.mil
US Government - whois.nic.gov
[bbauer@fire ~]$
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 05:50:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: medicine updates
The History of Medicine
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 AD - "That root is heathen; here, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition; here, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil; here, swallow this pill."
1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective; here, take this antibiotic."
2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial; here, eat this root."
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1998 05:28:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Evil Overlord - Redone...
Well, I have been asked to repost this... not the original, but redone.
SO YOU WANT TO BE AN EVIL OVERLORD!
It seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts
of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've
heard about invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've
noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards,
mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord...
-- My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors,
not face-concealing ones that can hide the enemy.
-- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
-- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
-- Shooting is not too good for my enemies and should be done ASAP.
-- The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
object which is my one weakness.
-- I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
-- When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say "No" and
shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
-- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time
during which the final phase of my master plan will be carried out.
-- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled
``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do Not Push'' will
instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard
it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
-- I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum. A small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.
-- I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
-- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
-- All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
cliff.
-- The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
-- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
-- I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.
-- I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
one thing I want to know."
-- When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.
-- I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a
crucial point in time.
-- I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
father.
-- Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
-- I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more
positive mind-set.
-- No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
-- I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way, even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless, my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and
rocks.
-- I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that,
death is usually instantaneous.)
-- No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
-- No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed
chamber.
-- I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the
same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all
times.
-- My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
-- I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into
confusion.
-- All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely
give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
-- All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
-- I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come
by.
-- I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
-- Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved
for formal occasions.
-- I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
-- I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
-- I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the
only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to
every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
-- If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
-- If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in
my old age.
-- If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out the attacking
leader among his army.
-- I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.
-- Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
devices.
-- When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
-- I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks
and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
-- I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to
give the other guy a sporting chance.
-- I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for
failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
-- If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?'', I will reply "This.'' and kill the advisor.
-- If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will
slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to
mature.
-- I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
immediately come after me for revenge.
-- If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I
will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out
to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
-- My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
Powerbooks.
-- If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
him to a less people-oriented position.
-- I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.
-- If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well," and kill her.
-- I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
-- The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in
my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert
missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is
anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
-- My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
target practice.
-- Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully
read the owner's manual.
-- If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
-- I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
-- My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code
I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will
not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
-- If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
-- I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
-- Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. The flames will be
constant!
-- I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a
disadvantage.
-- If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the
maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the
Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual
main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
-- My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who
watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
will trigger the death ray.
-- No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale
emergency.
-- I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better
save my life again.
-- All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the
wild.
-- When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of
them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering
around a corner.
-- If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be
made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing
by in case the answer is no.
-- If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using
my unstoppable super weapon on them.
-- I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to
win.
-- When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my
five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label
the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
-- I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one
or two at a time.
-- If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not
engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a
river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
-- If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the
chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough
sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot
before making the offer.
-- I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The
command will be "And try to take him alive..... unless he resists."
-- If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon
as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
limited-edition commemorative coins.
-- If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best
troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets
closer and closer to my fortress.
-- If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops
flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find
out what he saw.
-- I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of
the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
-- If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both
of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
-- I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite
sex.
-- I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then
activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be
more along the lines of "Push the red button."
-- I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly
grounded.
-- My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also,
I will not construct walkways above them.
-- If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
-- After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately
disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the
weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it
from him.
-- I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
facing away from the door.
-- I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is
finished. It might actually be important.
-- If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead
I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the
futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months
of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness.
(Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
-- If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling
who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to
go first.
-- When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
-- My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the
guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of
opening up the cell for a look.
-- My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel
on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside
opens the door, not vice versa.
-- My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
-- If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I
will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together
against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing
each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving
each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I
will immediately order their execution.
-- Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to at least 1.45Mb
in size so that it won't conveniently fit on a single diskette..
-- Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance,
I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access and, of
course, free e-mail!
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 05:26:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: John Cleese on Americans
In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese put
forth three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:
1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship, they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one
knee.
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1998 05:37:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Fun with Sub-headings
Various chapter subheadings from the table of contents for
"Linux Application Development":
Process Primitives
Having Children
Watching Your Children Die
Killing Yourself
Killing Others
Telling Time and Dates
The Limits of Time
Direct I/O Port Access
The Safe Way
The Dangerous Way
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1998 05:34:31 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Designer & The Engineer
Throughout history, Artsy types and techy types have always been in
conflict. This is most probably caused by 'Right Brain' and 'Left Brain'
dominance of the respective professions.
I am sure there was conflict even when the wheel was designed 'Make it
perfectly round to reduce friction," said the wheel techician.
"No, perfectly round is so boring and generic," argued the wheel
designer.
Well in today's modern age, the internet has created one of the most
glaring and continuous confrontations between the two. Here is a recent
conversation overheard between a web designer and an engineer.
---------
Hi, I don't think we've met yet. I'm the designer. I just started, and I
have a bit of a technical question.
That's what I'm here for. What's the problem?
Well, I was wondering how you set the font in HTML? How do I make sure
that our audience gets their text in Myriad MM light norm 12 pt?
Oh that's an easy one!
Great! What is it?
You can't. Cheers!
That doesn't make any sense.
Sure it does. You see, HTML is designed to work on all computers and all
displays. You don't know what fonts people are going to have installed on
their machines or even if they have monitors. They may be visually
impaired, you know. So trying to set the font is a useless endeavor.
So I'm stuck designing with the default fonts set by the Web browser?
Well, unless readers set their own fonts.
What?
Yeah, check it out. I've set up my fonts and display just the way I like
it: black background, orange text, and the fonts are all Courier.
AAAHHHHHH!!!!! You fiend! My designs! My beautiful designs! All ruined!
What a world ... what a world....
Well that's what you get when you try to control visual presentation on
a multiplatform environment.
Stupid designer.
Some time later ...
I figured it out!
What? What did you figure out?
Fonts on the Web. I got them to work.
WOW! It's ... it's beautiful! Elegant, refined, readable. I don't
understand. This shouldn't be possible. How'd you do this?
Oh, it was easy. I made our entire site into a background GIF, flattened
the text down into the bitmap, and then just made an image map around all
the linkable items.
But that's monstrous! It's unstructured! It's unsearchable! It's
unindexable! It's ... it's ...
It's got the font control that I need.
(looks at file size) IT'S 150 KILOBYTES!!!!
But I have the fonts I needed.
AHHHH!!!!!! My server! My poor server! What a world! What a world.
Stupid engineer.
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998 12:25:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: condom questions...
passed on from another list I am on.... enjoy!
-----
Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of
having to buy condoms, something I hadn't had to do for better than twenty
years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for
some help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated,
colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can't find it any other way),
Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of
breath, I asked which condom he recommended.
He replied, "The condom made of lamb's intestine has a more natural
feel."
I said "Not to us city boys."
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1998 06:02:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Anagrams
Remember what an anagram is? A word or phrase made up exactly of the
letters from a different word or phrase.
Simple example: horse=shore
Now for some great anagrams. They are not only really funny, but in some
cases truly amazing.
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil A.
Armstrong = A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag
on moon! On to Mars!
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998 05:40:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Hold Music
I spend far too much time on hold with the RBOC's...
----------
Key to symbology:
Commas (,) pauses
Hyphens (-)held notes
Mary Had A Little Lamb:
3212333,222,133,212333322321
or
3212333,222,133,3212333322321
or
3212333,222,399,3212333322321
Jingle Bells:
333,333,39123,666-663333322329,333,333,39123,666-6633,399621
or
333,333,39123,666,6633,3332232,9,333,333,39123,666,66333399621
Frere Jacques:
1231,1231,369,369,9*9631,9*9631,111,111
or
4564,4564,69#,69#,#*#964,#*#964,414,414
Olympic Fanfare:
3-9-91231,2222-32112312,3-9-91231,2222-32112321
The Butterfly Song:
963,23621,3693236236932362,963,23621
Happy Birthday:
112,163,112,196,110,8521,008,121
Generic Arabian tune:
453 54 4569564 459 9#95458 8987 453 54
Way Down Upon the Swanee River:
321321045,6842,321321945,654224
Auld Lang Syne:
8444684891439#
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1998 05:02:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: This Will Definitely Offend Someone
A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the "PEANUTS" gang made a new friend
who developed leukemia in an animated special titled, "WHY, CHARLIE BROWN,
WHY?"
Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which
feature the "PEANUTS" gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved
one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability.
Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some
"PEANUTS" specials for the kids of the '90s?
We could learn about VD in, "IT BURNS WHEN I URINATE, CHARLIE BROWN."
Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy
in, "DAMN STRAIGHT IT'S YOUR BABY, CHARLIE BROWN!"
Is Linus gay? Find out in, "IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE
BROWN."
See how the "PEANUTS" gang deals with date rape in, "NO MEANS NO,
CHARLIE BROWN!"
Discover a father's forbidden love in, "IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE
BROWN."
What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner
workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego,
"Mr. Clean" in, "GOD CALLED THE TRAILER PARK AND TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE
BROWN."
Snoopy deals with his shortcomings after being neutered in "WHY DID YOU
CUT MY BALLS OFF, CHARLIE BROWN?"
... and Marcy and Peppermint Patty explore their special feelings for
each other in "YOU MOW THE GRASS, AND SO DO WE, CHARLIE BROWN"
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1998 04:59:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Different ways of seeing things
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down
for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what
you see".
Watson said "I see millions and millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God
is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent".
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1998 06:22:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Cats and physics
1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon
by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a
nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really
good reason to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in
direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case
of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length
of the nap just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a
position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is
possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good
and ready to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's
desire for her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed
and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of
napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
come along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at
the speed of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within
the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her
embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show
you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional
to the cost of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus
the amount of milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to
the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest
him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach
escape velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't
Matter.
Thanks for looking!
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