August 1999...
Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 11:03:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Blonde & The Jigsaw Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem. "What's the
matter?" he asks. "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too
hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" he asks.
"It's of a big rooster," she replies.
"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."
When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to
the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He takes one look at what
she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for crying out loud," and he
puts the cornflakes back in the box.
Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 10:28:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: warming up
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Honey, put them here between my thighs and that will warm
them up."
After lunch he goes out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
again, "Man, my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put
them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does and again that
warms him up.
After dinner he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them
through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are
really freezing!"
She looks at him and says: "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever
get cold?"
Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 14:21:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: humorous takeoff on virus warnings
Watch out -- this could happen to you!!!!
This virus warning is genuine.
There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any
sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you
by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who
have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that
their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all,
then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've
had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should
automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in
paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your
garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two
friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this
action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any
relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 09:33:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: seeing eye dog
A blind man was walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day.
They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume
of traffic zooming by on the street leads the blind man right out into the
thick of traffic.
This is followed by the screech if tires and horns blaring as panicked
drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his
coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your
dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed."
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "to find
out where his head is so I can kick his ass."
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 09:07:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: dentist visit
A pretty young woman was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her
the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a
drill in his hand.
He immediately draw back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely
audible wisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"
"Yeah, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each
other, are we?"
Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 11:08:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Math jokes
THIRTEEN MISUNDERSTANDINGS
IN THE
HISTORY OF MATHEMATICS
In the interest of historical accuracy let it be known that ....
1. Fibonacci's daughter was not named "Bunny."
2. Michael Rolle was not Danish, and did not call his daughter
"Tootsie."
3. William Horner was not called "Little-Jack" by his friends.
4. The "G" in G. Peano does not stand for "grand."
5. Rene Descartes' middle name is not "push."
6. Isaac Barrow's middle name is not "wheel."
7. There is no such place as the University of Wis-cosine, and if
there was, the motto of their mathematics department would not be
"Secant ye shall find."
8. Although Euler is pronounced oil-er, it does not follow that
Euclid is pronounced oi-clid.
9. Franklin D. Roosevelt never said "The only thing we have to
sphere is sphere itself."
10. Fibonacci is not a shortened form of the Italian name that is
actually spelled: F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa
ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
11. It is true that August Mobius was a difficult and opinionated
man. But he was not so rigid that he could only see one side to
every question.
12. It is true that Johannes Kepler had an uphill struggle in
explaining his theory of elliptical orbits to the other
astronomers of his time. And it is also true that his first
attempt was a failure. But it is not true that after his lecture
the first three questions he was asked were "What is elliptical?"
What is an orbit?" and "What is a planet?
13. It is true that primitive societies use only rough approximations
for the known constants of mathematics. For example, the
northern tribes of Alaska consider the ratio of the circumference
to the diameter of a circle to be 3. But it is not true that the
value of 3 is called Eskimo pi. Incidentally, the survival of
these tribes is dependent upon government assistance, which is
not always forthcoming. For example, the Canadian firm of Tait
and Sons sold a stock of defective compasses to the government at
half-price, and the government passed them onto the northern
natives. Hence the saying among these peoples: "He who has a
Tait's is lost."
Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 07:42:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: thneeds seem essential
http://www10.nytimes.com/library/review/080899pets-review.html
If Dogs Could Talk, They'd Say, `Are You Crazy?'
By DOUGLAS MARTIN
August 8, 1999
In "The Lorax," Dr. Seuss wrote about "thneeds," an absolutely
useless product for which an entire forest is destroyed. Compared
to what you are about to read, thneeds seem essential.
This is a story about artificial testicles for pets.
Some 25,532 sets were said to have been sold in 50 states and 14
countries -- including one for a horse in Louisiana that was
outfitted two weeks ago -- and ain't capitalism grand?
The inventor and manufacturer of the gumdrop-shaped implants, Gregg
A. Miller, who lives in a suburb of Kansas City, came up with the
idea seven years ago when he had his 200-pound bloodhound Buck
neutered. Three years later he patented "Neuticles," just as
profits from a previous invention, candy in a tube, had dried up.
And he has expanded the line to include other animals, particularly
cats.
The cheaper polyprophylene model sells for $25 to $32 a set; the
newer solid silicone alternative, called "Neuticle Naturals" sells
for $80 to $129. The implantation procedure takes two or three
minutes, and there have been no reported medical complications.
"It's as easy as changing a light bulb," Mr. Miller said.
But why?
Some experts suggest it is not done for the pets. "The dog doesn't
care," said Sean Aiken, a surgeon at the Animal Medical Center in
Manhattan. "Very few dogs are truly vain."
"Dogs could care less," Laura Keagy, office manager of the Beverly
Hills Small Animal Hospital, which offers neuticles. "But a lot of
clients have trouble with a male dog being castrated."
Dr. Sheldon Yessenow, a veterinarian at the Oronoque Animal Center
in Stratford, Conn., said a client had asked for neuticles and that
he had dutifully ordered some. But when it came time to do the
operation, he could not install them.
"I thought it was ridiculous and unethical," he said, saying if the
dog ran away and ended up with new owners, he might end up getting
neutered twice.
But this is a time when lots of people will do seemingly anything
for their pets. There are pet vacations, pet gourmet foods and pet
perfumes. Pets get hip replacements, cataract operations and dental
jobs. About the only thing they don't get is plastic surgery.
Indeed, the clipping of ears and tails of some breeds is on the
downswing. (It's illegal in Britain.) Floppy-eared Dobermans have
won dog shows.
"Everyone is tending toward a more natural look, including the dog
world," Ms. Keagy said.
Mr. Miller's contention is that dogs do know the difference, and
that they suffer from what he calls "post-neutering trauma." He
asked, "Why wouldn't they know they've lost an important body
part?"
But do they dwell on it? Ingrid Newkirk, president of the People
for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, thinks not. "It's like
switching from regular to skim to soy milk," she said. "You get
adjusted to it."
Alan Manevitz, a psychiatrist at New York Presbyterian Hospital,
suggests that people are showing a good side of themselves by
investing their animals with concerns that are important to human
beings. "It's identifying with suffering," he said. "It has a sweet
quality to it, actually."
One question remains. Does Buddy, the First Family's chocolate
Labrador, have Neuticles? Mr. Miller claims to have gotten a
personal thank-you note from the President after sending a pair at
the time of the dog's neutering.
"I never saw or heard anything about any unusual features," said
Barry Toiv, a White House spokesman. "But I'll check on it."
He did. No Neuticles.
Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 08:19:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: You can't win...
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come
here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey,
she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now
furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and
spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and
says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Date: Thu, 12 Aug 1999 09:11:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: good old days
The Washington Post Report asked their readers how they would tell
Gen-Xers how much harder "we" had it in the "old days."
Second Runner-Up:
====================
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter
we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
(Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
First Runner-Up:
===================
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff.
No, it was 45's and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45's
always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down
with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances
were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting
they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our
skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would
kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real
pebbles on them, not like today.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
And the winner:
==================
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and
wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
Honorable Mentions:
===================
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my
beloved paper clip.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited
about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we
ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched
in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as GKK --- GAAK!
Urrgh ... Thud.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition
on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
(Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun
revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a
giant tortoise.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback
barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you
could outrun him.
(Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash our own hydrogen and
oxygen atoms together.
(Diana Hugue, Bowie)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.
(Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1999 11:44:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
From a Quote-of-the-Day mailing list:
"You should not encounter any difficulty in using Ambrosia products in the
the next millennium, unless of course your power company is not Y2K-ready,
and you have no electrical power for your computer. A Y2K-induced food
shortage could also cause widespread looting and rioting, and bandits
might raid your house and take everything of value. If you're trapped in
one of those non Y2K-ready elevators, you might starve, and be unable to
use our products. Hopefully, none of this bad luck will befall you, and
you'll be able to compute in peace."
- From the Ambrosia Software Y2K disclosure statement
http://www.ambrosiasw.com/PRs/Y2K.html
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 10:53:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Asimov quote
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
-- Isaac Asimov
Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1999 06:52:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: oddball tidbit of the day...
dunno if it is a urban legend; but the Telegraph is pretty strange...
-----------------------
The German Red Cross has enlisted Count Dracula's last surviving
descendant, Ottomar Rudolphe Vlad Dracul Prince Kretzulesco, in a push to
replenish Germany's dwindling blood supply. The count will attend special
showings of vampire movies for blood donors in Berlin, who will receive
"his autograph as a thank you." In addition, the count will hold a castle
party where attendees can donate blood. -- London Daily Telegraph, 8/16.
Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 10:55:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: funeral procession?
THE FUNERAL
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long
black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull
on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 11:15:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: great comeback
The Cariboo Sentinel QOTD (from their archives):
An honest, bluff, country farmer, meeting the parson of the parish in a
by-lane, and not giving him the way so readily as he expected, the parson,
with an erect crest, told him he was better fed than taught. "Very true,
indeed, sir," replied the farmer, "for you teach me, and i feed myself."
JUNE 27, 1865
Date: Fri, 20 Aug 1999 11:03:46 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: measuring...
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a
flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures,
and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the
whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over,
pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end
to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he
gives us the length."
Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 10:47:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Microsoft Advertising
MICROSOFT TO SELL AD SPACE IN ERROR MESSAGES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space
in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first
time that the average user of their operating system encounters error
messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take
financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad
impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment
several million people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or
'Illegal Operation' warning. We will be able to generate significant
revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said
Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also mentioned that
Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death
in the near future. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they
intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in
reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its
semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 10:58:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: wedding night
On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their
hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the
bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1999 09:25:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: get a life...
In the words of master satirist Tom Lehrer, "satire is becoming
reality..."
---------------------------
Aug. 14 - COLORADO SPRINGS - A minister used a blowtorch and a sword
during a church service this week to drive home his belief that Pokemon
games and toys are only sugar-coated instruments of the occult and evil.
At a church service Wednesday at Grace Fellowship Church, children's
pastor Mark Juvera told 85 children ages 6 through 12 that Pokemon is evil.
To make his point, Juvera burned Pokemon trading cards with a blowtorch
and struck a plastic Pokemon action figure with a 30-inch sword. Juvera's
9-year-old son then tore the limbs and head off a Pokemon doll.
During the demonstration, the children chanted: "Burn it. Burn it,'' and
"Chop it up. Chop it up.''
Manufacturers of the hugely popular Pokemon products, including Nintendo
and Hasbro Inc., said they've never heard of Pokemon being associated with
the occult.
And the national Christian Coalition told The Denver Post on Friday that
it will stay out of the fray over Pokemon.
"We won't weigh in on it at all,'' said Chris Freund, a spokesman for
the national Christian Coalition based in Virginia. "It's a church issue
and not a policy issue. We've never heard about it.''
Beth Llewelyn, spokeswoman for the Redmond, Wash.-based Nintendo, said
the company had never heard of anything like this before.
"We've only heard good things, very ... positive things about Pokemon,''
Llewelyn said. "We get volumes and volumes of letters from parents and
kids about how wonderful they think Pokemon is. They say, "My kids are now
reading because they want to read all they can about Pokemon.' It's a
universally positive experience.''
Holly Ingram, a spokeswoman for Hasbro Inc., said Pokemon - one of the
most popular toy crazes this year - has been favorably received by parents
and children.
"For us, it's been a completely positive response from parents and kids.
Everything we've done with Pokemon has been positive. I really can't
imagine how somebody would feel that way about it,'' Ingram said.
Pokemon, (pronounced POH-kaymahn), is short for pocket monsters. The
pop-culture phenomenon began in Japan as a cartridge for Nintendo, Game
Boy and Nintendo 64 and quickly spread to America. Its popularity fueled
the debut of the Pokemon animated television series. Hasbro has a line of
toys and merchandise for kid collectors and a third company, Wizards of
the Coast, based in Seattle, sells Pokemon trading cards. This fall, a
Pokemon movie will hit movie theatres across the country.
"The whole idea behind Pokemon is to become a "master trainer,' ''
Ingram said. "Kids look for different Pokemon characters, find them and
use strategy and tactics to capture them in a very mildmannered way. It's
not very violent at all. They collect them, and when they've collected all
of them, they become a Pokemon master.''
At Grace Fellowship Church, pastors learned of the occult angle after
receiving an e-mail of an Internet essay written by a California woman.
The essay says Pokemon encourages role-playing that elevates children over
God to the position of master and that the games and toys are laced with
dark references.
Mark Cowart, pastor of the 1,500-member, nondenominational church, said
the essay confirmed his suspicions about Pokemon. While driving with his
kids, he heard them in the back seat talking about "Abra'' and "Cadabra,''
and "my antenna went up,'' Cowart said.
Cowart said one of his concerns is that one of the Pokeman characters
sprouts horns. Another concern, he said, is that children exploring a
Pokemon Web site can click to other games, including "Magic: the
Gathering,'' a game similar to Dungeons and Dragons.
"It's got sugar coating on it, but, underneath, it's poison,'' Cowart
said.
Focus on the Family, the Colorado Springs-based Christian organization
whose messages reach as many as 5 million people weekly via radio
broadcasts, has not researched Pokemon, said Julie Able, project
coordinator the Youth Culture Department.
Cowart said the church used the sword and blowtorch to get its message
across to kids because "we live in a sight-and-sound generation. A little
church is competing against Hollywood with multibillion budgets.''
He said kids are used to visual messages, and if you give them a linear
message, they'll be bored.
Cowart said the sword was used in the demonstration because the Bible
says that the "way you come down against the powers of darkness is with
the sword of the spirit. We don't do things just for the sake of being
sensational like the World Federation of Wrestling.''
Date: Thu, 26 Aug 1999 10:50:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Food For Thought
not necessarily the opinions of the list owner; sarcastically humorous,
nonetheless...
-------------------------
How can we blame it all on guns?
For the life of me, I can't understand what could have gone wrong in
Littleton, Colorado. If only the parents had kept their children away from
the guns, we wouldn't have had such a tragedy. Yeah, it must have been the
guns.
It couldn't have been because of half our children being raised in
broken homes. It couldn't have been because our children get to spend an
average of 30 seconds in meaningful conversation with their parents each
day. After all, we give our children quality time. It couldn't have been
because we treat our children as pets and our pets as children.
It couldn't have been because we place our children in day care centers
where they learn their socialization skills among their peers under the
law of the jungle while employees who have no vested interest in the
children look on and make sure that no blood is spilled. It couldn't have
been because we allow our children to watch, on the average, seven hours
of television a day filled with the glorification of sex and violence that
isn't fit for adult consumption.
It couldn't have been because we allow our children to enter into
virtual worlds in which, to win the game, one must kill as many opponents
as possible in the most sadistic way possible. It couldn't have been
because we have sterilized and contracepted our families down to sizes so
small that the children we do have are so spoiled with material things
that they come to equate the receiving of the material with love. It
couldn't have been because our children, who historically have been seen
as a blessing from God, are now being viewed as either a mistake created
when contraception fails or inconveniences that parents try to raise in
their spare time.
It couldn't have been because we give two-year prison sentences to
teenagers who kill their newborns. It couldn't have been because our
school systems teach the children that they are nothing but glorified apes
who have evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud by teaching
evolution as fact and by handing out condoms as if they were candy.
It couldn't have been because we teach our children that there are no
laws of morality that transcend us, that everything is relative and that
actions don't have consequences. What the heck, the president gets away
with it.
Nah, it must have been the guns.
Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 10:32:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: fun sports quotes
1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born
pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming
contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
1991 Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you: Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I
don't know and I don't care."
1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27
record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general
manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like
you're spending too much time on one subject."
1982 Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is."
1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of
Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning:
"One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about
getting a nose in condition for football?"
1981 Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's
co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto
the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the
injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a
fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real
tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he
thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
1991 Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed
to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:
"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
1991 Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona
State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the
job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not
going to any more bowl games.'"
1986 LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They
can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Date: Mon, 30 Aug 1999 10:32:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Mountain Humor
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West
Virginia.
An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the
local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped
to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the
children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked
for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the
mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a
quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me
or the machine?"
Date: Tue, 31 Aug 1999 10:46:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Zodiac Answers...
How many members of your Sign does it take to change a light bulb?
ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and
should be thrown away.
GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep discussing who is
supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the
grieving process.
LEO:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a
Virgo in to do the job for them while they are out.
VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
LIBRA:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with
you?
SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened
Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...