Date: Fri, 1 Dec 2000 08:52:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  The "Fire that Flack!" Business 2.0 Awards 2000

Awarded to the worst e-mail, fax, and messaging pitches of 2000.

BLUE RIBBON

    Least Compelling Pitch:

"Text of merge document...Sincerely, Jane Doe."


    Cluelessness:

"I would like to know if you have published a special edition of your
magazine on the up in coming technologies or if you will publish
one. Thank you"


    Can't Wait:

"You heard it here first: 2000 will be "The Year of Advertising Supported
Software."


    Duh!:

"Good Day Rafe, Red Herring readers may be interested to know that in an
industry where "end-to-end" means a Website, and where most businesses
concentrate on the front end, Xoriant has the first services model focused
on the long-term ebusiness lifecycle that works totally on the back end."


    No Problem, Would You Like Fries With That:

"Attached herewith an article about our dynamic, new ecommerce solutions
company. We would appreciate it if you will review and publish this
article at your earliest convenience."


    Worst Attempt to Titillate:

"Sure, I'm a brilliant CEO at the helm of a large financial services
institution, an "everyday name" organization that oozes credibility, which
begets customers. But I'm not content, people. Darn it all to
heck-customer loyalty is fleeting! It's hard to believe, but direct mail
simply doesn't pack the same punch it used to. Trust me, folks, I've seen
the books. People, we cannot stand still. Which is why effective (very
soon) we will become our own Internet Service Provider. You heard
correctly - an ISP. Wow, huh?...(If one of your writers would like to
learn more about the company responsible for this fictitious announcement
(is it?), please contact me using the contact information below.)"


    Slow Down, Take a Deep Breath, Try Again:

"After reading both your plug and play article as well as Big helpings for
small business, I thibnk I amy have soem nesw for oyu about a company that
speaks to aspects of your other articles."


    Worst Simile:

"Like a bad penny I'm turning up again."



HONORABLE MENTION


    Most Vomitous Imagery:

"As companies hurl forth into the new millennium..."


    Most apologetic:

"We have sent you this email because we thought you might be interested in
the below press release. If you are not, please accept our apologies. It
is not our intention to inconvenience you."


    Worst Use of Rock 'n Roll Nostalgia:

"To paraphrase that old song by Herman's Hermits, "There's a kind of hush
all over the Net."


    Most Shameless Incubator-Company Pitch:

"Is it legal to raise children so you can marry them when they grow
up? Apparently so...and this is a rapidly emerging, potentially
profitable, and maybe even incestuous trend."


    Revealing Your Tricks of the Trade:

"When writing a press release, say who, what, where, when, why, and how in
the first paragraph, if you can."

Date: Mon, 4 Dec 2000 11:33:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  History Can Be Fun

  WWII bizarreness for you...

1.  The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the
Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by
the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was
Lt. Gen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for
allies.

2.  The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was
wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His
benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

3.  At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was Called CINCUS
(pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th. Infantry
division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named
"Amerika". All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

4.  More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While
completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%.

5. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter
pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace
Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on
a cargo plane.

6.  It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round
with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had
different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the
target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told
your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was 
the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell
you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you
wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their
success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

7.  When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee
in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston
Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself
photographed in the act).

8.  German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it
wasn't worth the effort.

9.  German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.

10.  Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several 
Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they
were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army
until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German
Army until they were captured by the US Army.

              AND...THE BEST FOR LAST....
11.  Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops
stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would
have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.

Date: Tue, 5 Dec 2000 11:33:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  logical...

  One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if  he could buy
him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we
have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a
bicycle? Wait until Christmas." 

  Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well,
the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry  about that. Ask me again some
other time." 

  Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of  the house
with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father  felt sorry for him, and
asked him why he was leaving. 

  The boy said, "Last night I was walking past your room, and  I heard you
say that you were pulling out, and mommy said  that you should wait
because she was coming too, "And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck
with an $80,000 mortgage!"

Date: Thu, 7 Dec 2000 09:38:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  old, but good...

The Best Fruit Cake Ever Ingredients:

1 cup of butter
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup of dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup nuts
1 or 2 quarts of aged whiskey

Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, ain't it?
Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the
whiskey again as it must be just right. To be sure the whiskey is of the
highest quality, pout 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you
can.

Repeat.

With an eclectic mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile, at
this parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixey hasn't gone bad
while you weren't lookin'. Open 2nd quart if netessary.

Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit an beat til high. If druit gets  
shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver.

Example the whikstey again, shecking confistancy, then shitf 2 cups of 
salt or detergent or whatever, like anyone gives a schit.

Chample the whitchey shum more.

Shitf in shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nuts. And
100 babblespoons of brown booger or whushever's closhest and mix well.

Greash ubben and turn the cakey pan to 350 decress. Now pour the whole
mesh into the washin' machine and set on sinsh shycle.

CHeck dat whixney wunsh more and pash out.

Date: Fri, 8 Dec 2000 08:17:00 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  historical confusion

OUTCOME IN NOW IN DOUBT IN THE WAR OF NORTHERN AGRESSION,
OFTEN REFERRED TO AS THE "CIVIL WAR"

 ATLANTA, Ga -- Investigators are being asked to revisit the outcome of
 the U.S. Civil War (1860-65).

 According to a formal statement read during a press conference called by
 attorneys for the Confederacy, in actuality the conflict was "too close
 to call" despite widespread popular opinion that the North was
 victorious.

 Newly discovered documents support allegations that numerous people
 supported the Federal government--apparently unaware that their state was
 Southern.

 Some soldiers even signed up to fight in Northern armies even though
 their descendants later declared they had intended instead to support
 their home state, and were innocent victims of complicated geography.

 The line between the North and South was "just too confusing" for many,
 according to a set of sworn affidavits.

 On behalf of their clients, the lawyers are demanding that all the
 battles be re-fought via computer simulation using new figures that take
 into account the large numbers of confused Confederates, to see who would
 have actually won.

 In response to questions, both the lawyers and their clients insisted
 they are guided only by concerns about fairness, and are acting in the
 best interests of the country at large.

 They insist they "just want every soldier to be counted."

 "It's vital to America that we not give up the fight in the media and the
 courts until the truth is known and every soldier is counted," said a
 spokesman.

Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 08:43:41 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Newsflash

Newsflash -- Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2000 11:43:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"My biggest concern in the 107th Congress is that Bill Clinton will be with
my wife in the Senate spouses' club."
	Sen. Gordon H. Smith, Oregon Republican.

Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2000 22:23:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  bad joke

  A very lovely young lady smote a young man.  Unfortunately she did not 
return the feeling.  In desperation he went and visited a group of witches
searching for a love potion.  They informed him that they no longer
provided such an item.  It was highly unethical to administer a potion to
someone without her permission.  They did have an alternate 
solution.  They sold him a bottle of small white pellets.  He was to bury
one in her yard every night at midnight for a month.

  He returned to the witches six weeks later, excited and thankful.  He 
and the young lady were to wed in a month.  The witch told him, "Nothin'
says lovin' like something from a coven, and pills buried say it best."

Date: Thu, 14 Dec 2000 09:13:55 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  effects of alcohol

  A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class.

  He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following:

  He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the
bottom and wriggled about.

  He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alcohol and it
immediately shriveled up and died.

  He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended
to show them.

  A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on
said: "You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."

Date: Fri, 15 Dec 2000 09:36:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Falling in love

Here are a few examples of Before and After you fall In love:

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.
         
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
         
Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Lucy and Ricky.
After - Fred and Ethyl.

Before - Saturday Night Fever.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - Don't stop.
After - Don't start.

Before - Is that all you're having?
After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey.
 
Before - Its like I'm living In a dream.
After - Its like he lives In a dorm.

Before - $60/doz.
After - $1.50/stem.
        
Before - Turbo charged.
After - Jump start.

Before - We agree on everything.
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Charming and Noble.
After - Chernobyl.

Before - Feathers and handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.
         
Before - I love a woman with curves.
After - I never said you were fat.
         
Before - He's completely lost without me.
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
 
Before - Time stood still.
After - This relationship Is going nowhere.
         
Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagel and instant.

Before - You look so seductive In black.
After - Your clothes are so depressing.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.
 
Before - Passion.
After - Ration.
         
Before - Once upon a time.
After - The end.

 
Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000 07:40:28 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her
money."

-fortune off of /.

Date: Tue, 19 Dec 2000 08:29:16 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Name That Christmas Carol

 Think you can guess each Christmas song?
 
 1.  Bleached Yule
 
 2.  Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
 
 3.  Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
 
 4.  Righteous Darkness
 
 5.  Arrival Time 2400 hrs - Weather Cloudless
 
 6.  Loyal Followers Advance
 
 7.  Far Off in a Feeder
 
 8.  Array the Corridor
 
 9.  Bantam Male Percussionist
 
 10. Monarchial Triad
 
 11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
 
 12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
 
 13. Red Man En Route to Borough
 
 14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
 
 15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
 
 16. The Quadruped with the Vermilion Proboscis
 
 17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
 
 18. Delight for the Planet
 
 19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
 
 20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

Date: Wed, 20 Dec 2000 09:58:26 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

The real reason computer people have problems with women:
When asked to improve things, they immediately:
1) make it smaller
2) make it finish faster

Date: Fri, 22 Dec 2000 10:04:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  perfect husband

  There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private 
club after exercising.  Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches 
rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
 
 - "Hello?"
 
 - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
 
 - "Yes."
 
 - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

 - "What's the price?"
 
 - "Only $1,500.00."
 
 - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
 
 - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 
models.   I saw one I really liked.  I spoke with the salesman, and he 
gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that 
we bought last year..."
 
 - "What price did he quote you?"
 
 - "Only $60,000..."
 
 - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
 
 - "Great!  But before we hang up, something else..."
 
 - "What?"
 
 - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account 
and... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house 
we had looked at last year.    It's on sale!! Remember?  The one with a 
pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
 
 - "How much are they asking?"
 
 - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price... and I see that we have that 
much in the bank to cover..."
 
 - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
 
 - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!!  I love you!!!"
 
 - "Bye...I do too..."
 
  The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while 
holding the phone and asks to all those present:
 
 - "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Date: Tue, 26 Dec 2000 09:52:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Life In The ' Real ' World 

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.

Here are the twelve finalists:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks.  (This was the winning
quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a specific list of the unknown problems which we will
encounter.  (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business.  (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
time to tell them.  (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M
Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.  (CIO of Dell
Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss:  "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday,
Valentine's Day. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have
to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could
change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees."  (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
above."  (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on.  I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
for it!"  (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one
of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the
executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her
company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I
be fired  and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was
fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made
a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He
would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out
directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday
newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In
accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting
words together from the Sunday paper.  (Taco Bell Corporation)

Date: Wed, 27 Dec 2000 22:16:29 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Democratic Christmas Card

  The following is a Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican
friend.

  The election is over,
  The results are known.
  The will ofthe people
  Has clearly been shown.
  Let's forget our quarrels
  And show by our deeds,
  I'll give our leader
  The help that he needs.
  So let's get together
  And let bitterness pass.
  I'll hug your elephant
  And you kiss my ass!

Date: Thu, 28 Dec 2000 13:05:37 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Rules for flight

 Rules For Flight
 ================

 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
all the way back, then they get bigger again.

 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up 
there wishing you were down here.

 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the
pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start 
sweating.

 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with
the sky.

 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' 
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
all of them yourself.

 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to
taxi to the ramp.

 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice
versa.

 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.

 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable
sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the    
number of take offs you've made.

 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth 
landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The
trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

 17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

 18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and
round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds
of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has
yet to lose.

 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.

 21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as   
much as possible.

 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not
subject to repeal.
 
 24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

 25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however,
no old, bold pilots.

Date: Fri, 29 Dec 2000 10:15:41 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  last one for 2000

found this on the advice site www.soyouwanna.com

learn the basics of the GRE

Question 1: Allan wants to sleep with Bob's sister, Cathy; Cathy's best
friend is Allan's girlfriend, Donna. So if Allan can only be seen with
Cathy when Bob and Donna aren't around, and Cathy is with Bob on Saturday
and Sunday and with Donna on Wednesday and Friday, who's gonna kick 
Allan's ass first?