Date: Mon, 2 Dec 2002 06:20:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  tagline OTD

  "Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least
principle draw the most interest."

Date: Tue, 3 Dec 2002 09:16:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Granny's Scotch and Water

  A old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender
for a scotch and two drops of water.

  As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and
I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

  The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a
drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

  As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I
should buy you a drink too."

  The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two
drops of water."

  "Alright" says the bartender.

  As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only
one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy
you one too."

  The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of
water."

  "Comin' right up" the bartender says.

  As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the scotch and only two drops of water?"

  The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can
hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

Date: Thu, 5 Dec 2002 07:48:16 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I know the man. If he were going to kill me, he'd just shoot me."
-LYNN MILAM, after the police in Hernando, Miss., told her, incorrectly,
that her husband was probably responsible for her arsenic poisoning.

Date: Fri, 6 Dec 2002 09:20:29 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure."
-- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"

Date: Mon, 9 Dec 2002 06:36:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  quickies

1 - When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again.  Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2 - The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company.  The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself.  He tried the machine out and lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3 - Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Romania, were
naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as
it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this
unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she
was run over and killed by a passing car.

4 - An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked
by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he
leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.

5 - In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, sixteen-year-old youth was charged with
beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his
toy pistol.

6 - A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space.  Understandably, he shot her dead.

7 - One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was
taste in clothing.

8 - After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to betransporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit hincompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free
ride.  He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
staff  that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies.  The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

9 - Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last
cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to
compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a
stick of celery.

10 - An American teenager was in hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how
he received the injuries, the lad told the police that he was simply
trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he
was hit.

11 - A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It
only took the doctor about 2 minutes to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your
daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with
the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise
her reputation by having sex with a boy.  The doctor faced the window and
silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed,
"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of
course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this
happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was
hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your
daughter pregnant."

Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 06:27:15 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  You're Fired!!

  A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

  This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.  On a
tour of the facility, the CEO notices a guy leaning against the wall. The
room is full of workers and he sees this great opportunity to show
everyone he means business!

  The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "and how much do you make a week?"

  Surprised, the young guy gulps and replies, "I make about $300 a week."
The CEO reaches in his pocket, pulls out $300, shoves it in the guy's face
and screams, "Here's a week's pay; now get out of here and don't come
back!"

  Feeling pretty good about the example he has just established, the CEO
looks around the room and asks, "Now, does anyone want to tell me what
that slacker did here?"

  With a sheepish grin one of the other workers replied, "That was the
Dominos Pizza delivery boy."

Date: Wed, 11 Dec 2002 06:30:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
-- Ambrose Bierce, writer (1842-1914)

Date: Thu, 12 Dec 2002 08:32:18 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual conflict
between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in."
-- Sydney J. Harris

Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2002 14:37:59 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD 

"The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
sometimes three."
-- Alexandre Dumas

Date: Mon, 16 Dec 2002 10:17:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  tagline OTD

"Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
person a car."

Date: Tue, 17 Dec 2002 06:48:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Quote of the day

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write
with."
-- Marty Feldman

Date: Wed, 18 Dec 2002 06:45:15 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  almost...

Editorial note:

  I am leaving to go on my vacation soon; therefore, there will be no
humor messages from this Friday until January 6th. So, from my
household to all of you, enjoy your holidays - whatever you are
celebrating.

-Bill

-----

  Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

  Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.  One day the girls
decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After
all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they
went home early?

  The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated
to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner
date.

  The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly
and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her boss!  Gently, she closed the door and crept out
of her house.

  The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Date: Thu, 19 Dec 2002 08:18:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  cold

  A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate
revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's
clogged toilet.

  Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a
fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to
endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete,
incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom
door to watch his clumsiness.

  He didn't say anything but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet,
while she kept on complaining about the bad service.

  So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached
quickly into his tool bag.

  A minute later he held something up triumphantly and told her and the
assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet."

  All the guests broke into shocked laughter and the woman turned a bright
red. The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom
wrapped around it.

  The woman never complained again.

Date: Fri, 20 Dec 2002 23:57:34 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Marketing 101

Marketing 101
----
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
----
That's Direct Marketing.
----
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,"She's
fantastic in bed."
----
That's Advertising.
----
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone
number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
----
That's Telemarketing.
----
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your
dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to
straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then
say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
----
That's Public Relations.
----
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
----
That's Brand Recognition.
----
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You talk him into going home with your friend.
----
That's a Sales Rep.
----
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
----
That's Tech Support.
----
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb a water
tower toward the center of the subdivision and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
----
That's Spam.