December 2003...
Date: Mon, 1 Dec 2003 09:14:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: ROTK etiquette
What NOT to do at Return of the King:
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the
hell is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT
PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone
says: "The Ring."
4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs
sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie.
9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty
Python style.
10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN
FOREST, RUN!"
12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien
about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude
Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around
looking terribly confused.
17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and
shout, "I see dead people!"
18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda
would be like.
19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob
scene.
20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself
go!"
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2003 13:00:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Progress has not followed a straight ascending line, but a spiral with
rhythms of progress and retrogression, of evolution and dissolution."
-- Goethe (1749-1832)
Date: Wed, 3 Dec 2003 08:57:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: .sig OTD
with all apologies to the good Father...
-----
First they came for the file swappers
and I did not speak out
because I was not a file swapper.
Then they came for the cryptologists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a cryptologist.
Then they came for the hackers
and I did not speak out
because I was not a hacker.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.
Date: Thu, 4 Dec 2003 09:35:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: memo to pets
MEMO TO ALL PETS:
Dear Dogs and Cats,
1) When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
2) The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
3) The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
because I fall faster than you can run.
4) I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end
to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
5) My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
6) For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine
attendance is not mandatory.
7) The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
8) To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
*Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
They live here. You don't. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. I like my pet a lot better than I like most
people. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons and
daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and speak clearly.
Date: Fri, 5 Dec 2003 10:22:30 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose."
-- David Lardner
Date: Mon, 8 Dec 2003 14:24:12 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Worse Than Evil Incarnate?
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of
Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services
started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about
their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to
the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused
Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid
of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Date: Tue, 9 Dec 2003 14:24:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: .sig of the day
A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot the horse,
but it don't fix the leg.
Date: Wed, 10 Dec 2003 09:16:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: .sig OTD
Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but
always too many days before Saturday.
Date: Thu, 11 Dec 2003 09:10:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
-- Philip K. Dick
Date: Fri, 12 Dec 2003 08:52:20 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"gossip, n.: Hearing something you like about someone you don't."
-- Earl Wilson
Date: Mon, 15 Dec 2003 08:45:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
number of participants."
-- Adam Walinsky
Date: Tue, 16 Dec 2003 09:07:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see
nothing but sea."
-- Francis Bacon
Date: Wed, 17 Dec 2003 11:17:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: 100 years today
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up, up the long, delirious burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never Lark, or even Eagle flew -
And while with silent lifting mind, I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.
- John Gillespie Magee, Jr, 1922-1944
Date: Thu, 18 Dec 2003 08:57:04 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Thought for the Day
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.
Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2003 09:02:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: No Nursing Home For Me
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188.00 per day, there
is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble.
I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined
long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per
night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:
1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.
2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a
swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer,etc. Most have free
toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day
will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
4. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap
bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
5. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change
of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice
restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise
the cash keeps building up.
6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take
your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you
can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii?
They have a Holiday Inn there too.
7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No
problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid
checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an
ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and
Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
9. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to
find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The
grandkids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
So . . .
When I reach the Golden age, I'll face it with a grin-- Just forward all
my email to: me@Holiday_Inn!
Date: Mon, 22 Dec 2003 08:48:51 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
-- G.K. Chesterton
Date: Tue, 23 Dec 2003 08:45:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: complicated
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation
drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first,
"but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it,
eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the
same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"
Date: Mon, 29 Dec 2003 09:20:08 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: merry christmas to all.........
I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid.
I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big
sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even
dummies know that!"
My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that
day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always
told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot
easier when swallowed with one of her "world-famous" cinnamon buns. I
knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.
Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told
her everything. She was ready for me.
"No Santa Claus?" she snorted...."Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That
rumor has been going around for years, and! it makes me mad, plain mad!!
Now, put on your coat, and let's go."
"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second
world-famous cinnamon bun.
"Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town
that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through it's
doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days.
"Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it.
I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.
I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but
never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and
crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For
a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar
bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.
I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the
kids at school, the people who went to my church. I was just about
thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with
bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's
grade-two class.
Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out
to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the
teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't
have a cough; he had no good coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with
growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat!
I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real
warm, and he would like that. "Is this a Christmas present for someone?"
the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied shyly. "It's for Bobby."
The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed
a good winter coat. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a
bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.
That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper and
ribbons (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her
Bible) and wrote, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it.
Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me
over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and
forever officially, one of Santa's helpers.
Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept
noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me
a nudge.
"All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going." I took a deep
breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step,
pounded his doorbell and flew back to the safety of the bushes and
Grandma.
Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to
open.
Finally it did, and there stood Bobby. Fifty years haven't dimmed the
thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby
Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about
Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous. Santa was
alive and well, and we were on his team.
I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.
Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 08:51:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Clue ranking system
Effective immediately, all new customers will be assigned a clue
ranking, based upon an objective assessment of the customer's
understanding of technical issues, willingness to comply with technical
advice, and general demeanor.
Clue level Characteristics
0 No clue. Couldn't find their shoes in a closet.
1 Slight clue. Can differentiate a hole in the
ground from their own (but not necessarily anyone
else's) rear end.
2 Moderate clue. Can find shoes in closet, but not
laces.
3 Faux clue. Knows just enough to rm -f *.*, but
cannot understand concept of "deleted".
4 Semi-clue. Can find shoes, laces, and one sock;
insists that we have the other sock and are
deliberately unraveling it.
5 Clue. (not currently in use)
Your cooperation is expected and welcomed.
Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 08:57:36 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: I Wish You Enough
Recently at an airport, I overheard a father and daughter in their last
moments together. They had announced her departure and standing near the
security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you, I wish you enough."
She in turn said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough.
Your love is all I ever needed, I wish you enough too, Daddy." They kissed
and she left.
He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there, I
could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his
privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to
someone knowing it would be forever?"
"Yes, I have," I replied, "forgive me for asking, but why is this a
forever good-bye?" I asked.
"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and
the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said.
"When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, 'I wish you enough', may
I ask what that means?"
He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other
generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused for a
moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled
ever more. "When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other
person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain
them," he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as
if he were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much
bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye."
Tears filled his eyes and he walked away.
And so, I wish you enough.
Thanks for looking!
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