Date: Wed, 1 Dec 2004 08:50:33 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't." 
-- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" 

Date: Thu, 2 Dec 2004 09:34:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I love a martini -- but two at the most. Three I'm under the table; Four, 
I'm under the host."
-- Dorothy Parker

Date: Fri, 3 Dec 2004 08:50:48 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Dave Barry - it's that time, folks...

"... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to get 
it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the 
mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the 
mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children 
emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who 
befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, 
then melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young 
reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by 
the other reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does he ignore the 
deformity?  Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the 
sensitive reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks Rudolph to guide his 
sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with 
legs and a tail.  So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of 
insensitivity, you should shop quickly."

-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

Date: Mon, 6 Dec 2004 08:50:48 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the 
greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer."  
-- C.C. Colton

Date: Tue, 7 Dec 2004 08:53:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Trafalgar -- 2005 Version

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's 
the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, 
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or 
disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities 
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the 
censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free 
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main 
brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the 
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it... full
speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this 
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in 
history. We must advance with all dispatch.  Report from the crow's nest 
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. 
And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.  They won't let 
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle 
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access?   I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free 
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse 
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by 
playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the 
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail.  The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let 
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone 
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the 
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged 
with murder if they actually kill anyone.  There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners 
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in 
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
    
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your 
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. 
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu!  And there's a ban on 
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."

Date: Wed, 8 Dec 2004 08:34:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding." 
-- Albert Einstein 

Date: Thu, 9 Dec 2004 09:48:13 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one."  
-- Marcus Procius Cato

Date: Fri, 10 Dec 2004 09:30:59 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  classic QOTD

"I can't mate in captivity." 
-- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.

Date: Mon, 13 Dec 2004 09:31:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I was tempted to get George Lucas a Yoda bong for Christmas, but I 
figured the extra three hours and full-cavity search in Customs wouldn't 
be worth it. Besides, he might get upset about the Yoda bong people not 
paying a licensing fee."

--Actress and writer Carrie Fisher, revealing what she wanted to get 
the Star Wars mogul while on a recent film festival junket in Amsterdam.

Date: Tue, 14 Dec 2004 08:33:24 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20

  Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, 
"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny 
bits, in thy mercy."  And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the 
lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and 
breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy 
Pin.  Then thou must count to three.  Three shall be the number of the 
counting and the number of the counting shall be three.  Four shalt thou 
not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then 
proceedeth to three.  Five is right out.  Once the number three, being the 
number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand 
Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, 
shall snuff it."
-- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 09:44:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an 
intimate knowledge of its ugly side." 
-- James Baldwin 

Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 09:16:12 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"We're all just too puritanical and repressed to appreciate  your God-awful movie."
-- Ann Althouse, blogger - in response to attacks by Oliver Stone about 
why the religious in America are not flocking to see his movie Alexander

Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 19:06:57 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon." 
-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer 

Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 09:04:30 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  a poem...

Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guardin' the stockin's and tree.

What's that now...footsteps on the roof?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard---and a sack for robbing the house?

I'm barkin, I'm growlin, I'm bitin' his butt
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air,
I've frightened the whole bunch away.

Now the house is peaceful and quiet again.
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad whey they wake up tomorrow
And see how I've guarded the tree?

Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 09:30:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we 
don't believe in it at all."
-- Noam Chomsky 

Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2004 08:53:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

Have a wonderful holiday, all!

-----

"That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them." 
--  Dorothy Parker 

Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 18:20:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  thought for you...

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 12:35:44 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  holiday eating rules

Holiday Eating Tips

  1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into
an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

   7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself
near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave
them behind, you're never going to see them again.

   8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

   9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

  10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start
over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 08:44:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 
boot yourself in the posterior."
-- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"                                                                                                                 

Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 08:30:44 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Beyond Chutzpah.... 

...is the only way to describe the press release Anne Coulter made as a 
"holiday greeting" this week. I quote:

  "To the people of Islam: If you had only allowed us to invade your 
countries, kill your leaders, and convert you all to Christianity, you'd 
at least would be gettting Christmas presents now. Merry Christmas!"

Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 08:47:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.