December 1997...
From - Mon Dec 01 11:49:06 1997
Subject: Going Toastal
Going Toastal
Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has successfully
brought a generation of products from Acme Toaster Corp's engineering
labs to market. Bob is a wonder of mechanical ingenuity. All of us in
the design department have the utmost respect for him, so I was honored
when he appointed me the lead designer on the new Acme 2000 Toaster.
Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and the marketing vice
president today to hammer out the project's requirements and
specifications. Here at Acme, our market share is eroding to low-cost
imports. We agreed to meet a cost of goods of $9.50 (100,000). I've
identified the critical issue in the new design: a replacement for the
timing spring we've used since the original 1922 model. Research with
the focus groups shows that consumers set high expectations for their
breakfast foods. Cafe latte from Starbuck's goes best with a precise
level of toastal browning. The Acme 2000 will give our customers the
breakfast experience they desire. I estimated a design budget of $21,590
for this project and final delivery in seven weeks. I'll need one
assistant designer to help with the drawing packages. This is my first
chance to supervise!
Day 23: We've found the ideal spring material. Best of all, it's a
well-proven technology. Our projected cost of goods is almost $1.50
lower than our goal. Our rough prototype, which was completed just 12
days after we started, has been servicing the employee cafeteria for a
week without a single hiccup. Toastal quality exceeds projections.
Day 24: A major aerospace company that had run out of defense
contractors to acquire has just snapped up that block of Acme stock sold
to the Mac-kenzie family in the '50s. At a companywide meeting,
corporate assured us that this sale was only an investment and that
nothing will change.
Day 30: I showed the Acme 2000's exquisitely crafted toastal-timing
mechanism to Ms Primrose, the new engineering auditor. The single spring
and four interlocking lever arms are things of beauty to me.
Day 36: The design is complete. We're starting a prototype run of 500
toasters tomorrow. I'm starting to wrap up the engineering effort. My
new assistant did a wonderful job.
Day 38: Suddenly, a major snag happened. Bob called me into his office.
He seemed very uneasy as he informed me that those on high feel that the
Acme 2000 is obsolete--something about using springs in the silicon age.
I reminded Bob that the consultants had looked at using a microprocessor
but figured that an electronic design would exceed our cost target by
almost 50% with no real benefit in terms of toastal quality. "With a
computer, our customers can load the bread the night before, program a
finish time, and get a perfect slice of toast when they awaken," Bob
intoned, as if reading from a script.
Day 48: Chuck Compguy, the new microprocessor whiz, scrapped my idea of
using a dedicated 4-bit CPU. "We need some horsepower if we're gonna
program this puppy in C," he said, while I stared fascinated at the old
crumbs stuck in his wild beard. "Time-to-market, you know. Delivery is
due in three months. We'll just pop this cool new 8-bitter I found into
it, whip up some code, and ship to the end user."
Day 120: The good news is that I'm getting to stretch my
mechanical-design abilities. Chuck convinced management that the old
spring-loaded, press-down lever control is obsolete. I've designed a
"motorized insertion port," stealing ideas from a CD-ROM drive. Three
cross-coupled, safety-interlock microswitches ensure that the heaters
won't come on unless users properly insert the toast. We're seeing some
reliability problems due to the temperature extremes, but I'm sure we
can work those out.
Day 132: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We've
replaced the 8-bitter with a Harvard- architecture, 16-bit, 3-MIPS CPU.
Day 172: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.
Day 194: The auditors convinced management we really need a graphical
user interface with a full-screen LCD. "You're gonna need some
horsepower to drive that," Chuck warned us. "I recommend a 386 with a
half-meg of RAM." He went back to design Revision J of the pc board.
Day 268: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We've
cured most of the electronics' temperature problems with a pair of fans,
though management is complaining about the noise. Bob sits in his office
all day, door locked, drinking Jack Daniels. Like clockwork, his wife
calls every night around midnight, sobbing. I'm worried about him and
mentioned my concern to Chuck. "Wife?" he asked. "Wife? Yeah, I think
I've got one of those and two or three kids, too. Now, let's just stick
another meg of RAM in here, OK?"
Day 290: We gave up on the custom GUI and are now installing Windows
CE. The auditors applauded Chuck's plan to upgrade to a Pentium with 32
Mbytes of RAM. There's still no functioning code, but the toaster is
genuinely impressive. Four circuit boards, bundles of cables, and a
gigabit of hard-disk space. "This sucker has more computer power than
the entire world did 20 years ago," Chuck boasted proudly.
Day 384: Toastal quality is sub-par. The addition of two more cooling
fans keeps the electronics to a reasonable temperature but removes too
much heat from the toast. I'm struggling with baffles to vector the air,
but the thrust of all these fans spins the toaster around.
Day 410: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We
switched From C++ to Java. "That'll get them pesky memory-allocation
bugs, for sure," Chuck told his team of 15 programmers. This approach
seems like a good idea to me, because Java is platform-independent, and
there are rumors circulating that we're porting to a SPARCstation.
Day 530: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. I
mastered the temperature problems by removing all of the fans and the
heating elements. The Pentium is now thermally bonded to the toast. We
found a thermal grease that isn't too poisonous. Our marketing people
feel that the slight degradation in taste from the grease will be more
than compensated for by the "toasting experience that can only come from
a CISC-based, 32-bit multitasking machine running the latest
multiplatform software."
Day 610: The product shipped. It weighs 72 lb and costs $325. Chuck was
promoted to CEO.
From - Tue Dec 02 10:10:44 1997
Subject: Win 95
Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows95:
Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical
shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded
for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand
1 bit of competition.
From - Wed Dec 03 09:35:38 1997
Subject: Advice from Dennis Miller
NOTE: I do not agree with all of the below; I thought a great deal of it
was funny. (This put in to save any/all relationships, friendships, and
basically to allow me to go home tonight...)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO WOMEN ON WHAT MEN WANT:
I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child
in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game,
Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa
when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body
of Sophia Loren in "Boy on a Dolphin" combined with the voice of Sade,
and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we
don't want to feel too threatened.
So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first
put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the
magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear
your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking
Tex-Mex." Trick me? How about asking me? And then--I'll be able to tell
you, "I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?" All right, I'm
not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to
all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes:
Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:
ONE- We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes,
all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one
pair of church shoes. That's it.
TWO- Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very
simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't talk.
THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get
aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect
me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of
nunchucks, all right?
FOUR- Would it kill you to watch "The Godfather" with me for the
fifty-seventh time?
FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think,
"You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."
SIX- You go see "Nell" by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like
that at "The Drink" when I was single.
SEVEN- Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship
lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.
EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because
Helmut, the office boy, brought you the _cup_ of lima bean consomme
instead of the _bowl_ of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I
don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai,
all right?
NINE- Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you
don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried
crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and
then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
TEN- be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of
this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or
if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a
while?
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT:
Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women
want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's
see, the myth is that women want Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in
the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad
Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt
in "Legends of the Fall" combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to
top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil. Another myth is
that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find
stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for
stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all
right? And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who
are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too
much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who
are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to
kill us.
Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as
reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe
think women want from men.
ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly
steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power
they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable
childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get
off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress
blathering about orphanages.
FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look
at...say Carl, the brain-dead jackoff in the cubicle next to you. You
could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady
idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....
FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your
daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out.
Words are kind of important.
SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock
stars to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you
should know if she came.
NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for
directions.
TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your
sleep, take it like a man.
From - Thu Dec 04 09:41:13 1997
Subject: Let there Be Peace
Let There Be Peace
A older gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in
peace and contentment . . . then a new school year began. The very next
afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm,
came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they
encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the
gentleman decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon,
he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way
down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I
like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same
thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a
dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash
cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a
big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to
pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously
displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon
ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street. "Look." he said, "I haven't received
my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you
more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going
to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts!
No way, mister. We quit!" And the wise old man enjoyed peace and
serenity for the rest of his days.
From - Fri Dec 05 11:16:40 1997
Subject: Zingers
some good ones in here...
----------------------------------------------
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me.
--Bobcat Goldthwait
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to
listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're
eating sandwiches.
--Jim Carrey
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.
--Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
--John Mendoza
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
--Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it,maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of
the body before you do the wash.
--Jerry Seinfeld
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
--Lily Tomlin
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'
--Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
--Paul Rodriguez
From - Mon Dec 08 10:06:29 1997
Subject: Humor
Well, the Christmas tree is up; it is officially "the season" in the
Bauer household...
So, here we go... :)
-------------------------------------------------------
OK, folks, does this remind you of redactions, or what. The following is
Rudolph the Red- Nosed Reindeer translated into Middle English and back
again. Now if they'd only included a recipe...
Incipit gestis Rudolphi rangifer tarandus
Hwaet, Hrodulf readnosa hrandeor --
Naefde thaet nieten unsciende naesthyrlas!
Glitenode and gladode godlice nosgrisele.
Da hofberendas mid huscwordum hine gehefigodon;
Nolden tha geneatas Hrodulf naeftig
To gomene hraniscum geador aetsomne.
THa in Cristesmaesseaefne stormigum clommum,
Halga Claus thaet gemunde to him mathelode:
"Neahfreond nihteage nosubeorhtende!
Min hroden hraedwaen gelaed thu, Hrodulf!"
Da gelufodon hira laddeor tha lyftflogan --
Waes glaednes and gliwdream; hornede sum gegieddode
"Hwaet, Hrodulf readnosa hrandeor,
Brad springth thin blaed: breme eart thu!"
Explicit
Hrodulf the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Modern English translation)
Here begins the deeds of Rudolph, Tundra-Wanderer
Lo, Hrodulf the red-nosed reindeer --
That beast didn't have unshiny nostrils!
The goodly nose-cartilage glittered and glowed.
The hoof-bearers taunted him with proud words;
The comrades wouldn't allow wretched Hrodulf
To join the reindeer games.
Then, on Christmas Eve bound in storms
Santa Claus remembered that, spoke formally to him:
"Dear night-sighted friend, nose-bright one!
You, Hrodulf, shall lead my adorned rapid-wagon!"
Then the sky-flyers praised their lead-deer --
There was gladness and music; one of the horned ones sang
"Lo, Hrodulf the red-nosed reindeer,
Your fame spreads broadly, you are renowned!"
Copyright (C) 1996
Philip Chapman-Bell; All Rights Reserved.
From - Tue Dec 09 09:15:46 1997
Subject: in honor of the first snow!
Jeff sent this in... I first heard it in the winter of '92-3 on the Bob
and Tom show in Indy... so, in honor of the first snow in DC this year:
(to the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland")
Lacey things, they're so thrillin'!
She don't know that they're missin'.
To dress in her clothes, her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store there's a teddy -
Little straps, like spaghetti!
It fits me so tight, like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the office, there's a guy named Melvin.
He pretends that Iam Murphy Brown.
He says, "Are you ready?" I say,
"Whoa, man! Let's wait until the wife is out of town!"
Later on, if we wanna,
We can dress like Madonna!
We'll put on our shades, and join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
From - Wed Dec 10 09:56:39 1997
Subject: Women and sex
One of the women on this list sent this to me... I am NOT saying which.
Amusing, if not well-scientifically thought out... and I'd really love
to see where they're getting their statistics from... :)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Women & Sex
70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year
while 60% of female non-smokers had none.
Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as
many lovers as typical women.
Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who
don't.
Women with a Ph.D are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of
anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.
Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and
receiving) than high school dropouts.
National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.
In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied
women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
Women who have a postive attitude towards sex tend to be less
achievement oriented.
White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to
have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The
percentage is much lower for Black girls.
Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to
be twice as sexually active as women who don't.
Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active
than practicing Christians.
Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have
had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal
record.
Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get
down at roughly the same rate.
Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time
they have sex.
White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most
receptive to anal sex.
20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex
partner.
So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking
for:
a 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D,
wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar,
smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbra Cartland, and who
lived with her single mom! Shouldn't be too hard.
......happy hunting
From - Thu Dec 11 10:00:50 1997
Subject: evil henchman's guide
Well, several months ago, we published the Guide for Evil Overlords...
here's the next part...
----------
The Evil Henchman's Guide
Recently, the Society of Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable
decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, devoted
worshippers, and loyal infantry. We wish to correct this growing problem
by submitting the following general guidelines for Evil Henchmen.
DISCLAIMER: The use of masculine/feminine pronouns and assignment
of gender roles is not intended to preclude a reversal of gender roles.
It is, however, intended to offend those who think that nuclear missiles
are deployed because of their phallic appearance. Nyah.
I. General tips for henchmen of all varieties:
1. Avoid getting sent to rough up the hero(es). Ransacking hotel rooms
is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure
ticket to the bottom of the Thames. Remember, however, that all Heroes
get roughed up at least once, so if this has never happened to the Hero,
go for it!
2. When the hero or his sidekicks are at your mercy, don't stop to
gloat.
3. If you can't resist gloating, don't boast about the reward you
expect to receive from your master for bringing them in or killing them
off.
4. If you gloat and boast, don't be surprised if a comrade of the
person you have at your mercy jumps you from behind while you're
distracted with your boasting.
5. If you fail to complete your mission, skip town. Returning to the
Evil Overlord to report on your failure will usually get you killed.
6. Avoid killing people not actively involved in the rebellion; the
Evil Overlord has enough enemies as it is. Especially don't kill
relatives, significant others, or best friends of the hero. Normally
after the Evil Overlord is overthrown, henchmen can get off with just a
little community service time, but if you off the Hero's loved ones,
he'll make lasagna out of you.
7. Unless the Evil Overlord pays extra for indiscriminate slaughter,
avoid it. Why should you give your services away for free?
8. As tempting as it may be, never try to ravish the Evil Overlord's
beautiful-but-wicked daughter. She can probably mop the floor with you.
Daddy will *not* try to stop her.
9. Learn where the trap door is in the Evil Overlord's audience
chamber. Avoid standing there, especially when bad news is brought to
the Evil Overlord.
10. While the Evil Overlord is gloating over his anticipated success
in the venture he is about to launch, it is considered impolite to ask
"And if you fail?" You probably won't be flogged, maimed, or killed for
your temerity, but why risk it?
11. As soon as the evil lord has the hero in his power, seek the
nearest available escape route. The fewmets are about to hit the
windmill.
12. Learn to distinguish Heroes from Sidekicks. Heroes are usually
taller and more somber, while Sidekicks dress with more flair and tell
more jokes. Taking on the Hero when you only have enough
manpower/firepower to take on the Sidekick will earn you an
all-expenses-paid trip on Stygian Cruise Lines.
13. Never allow yourself to be provoked into doing anything stupid by
insults from the Hero or Sidekicks.
14. No matter how attractive the captured heroine is or how
seductively she bats her eyes, she really does not want to sleep with
you. Do not unlock the cell door.
15. If the heroes give you a chance to surrender or flee, take it.
16. If you surrender to the Hero, don't try to stab him when his back
is turned; the Sidekick will get you first.
17. If the seemingly helpless person you have just cornered is
confident and unafraid despite being outnumbered and surrounded, you
have encountered a Hero in disguise. Run while you still can.
18. If the Hero you are sent after dresses entirely in black, he is
even more dangerous than the Evil Overlord suspects; double all
requisitions for men and firepower.
19. Practice your "accidental" sword/gun dropping technique. It's the
only thing that can save you when the hero is winning.
II. Guidelines for Legion of Doom troops:
1. Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound
of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it.
2. When performing guard duty, do not stare continually in one
direction, but take a moment now and then to look around.
3. When you are fighting intruders, do not fight them quietly, but
yell "Intruder!" while you still have breath.
4. When issued armor or uniforms that contrast with the service
environment, respectfully inquire after more sensibly-colored attire.
5. Get plenty of firearms practice.
6. Don't attack the hero alone or in pairs. The Evil Overlord hired a
million of you for a reason.
7. Never be the first one to charge the hero.
8. Exercise care in the abuse of oppressed peoples. Many farm
implements make effective weapons in the hands of a skilled opponent.
Some of those little old men can teach you a thing or two about
hand-to-hand, too.
III. Tips for evil cult members:
1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an
amateur.
2. Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial
victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly
introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is
death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant
deity.
3. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of
your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in
public. Flash cards are often helpful.
4. Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being,
investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the
procedure.
5. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
6. Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups
usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.
7. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight--it attracts
unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural
creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its
jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach. It also makes
you resemble Mr. T, and nobody wants to join a religion he belongs to.
8. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this
enough. Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like
direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.
9. If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial
advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.
10. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver
knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare,
and change.
11. Flourescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly
creatures.
12. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest.
Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
13. Followers who have a speech impediment should be excused from
speaking parts in any and all ceremonies. The mispronunciation of the
deity's name can have catastrophic effects.
14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in
while still affording ample concealment.
15. If the ritual site has some strange powder sprinkled around that
wasn't there the last time, postpone all ceremonies until the site is
verified.
16. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed
this simple safety tip.
17. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
18. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now
generally considered "bad form."
19. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before
the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity
have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
20. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix.
When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern
between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the
gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B
complex, and a good hot bath.
21. Never play strip Tarot.
22. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature,
can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the
deal made in exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods
tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides
at the drop of a hat.
23. For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not
available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a
previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However,
a mock victim sculpted from SPAM is right out.
IV. Tips for the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter:
1. Find out all those lovely little family secrets so that the Hero
can never spring them on you.
2. Do not fall in love with the Hero.
3. If you do fall in love with the Hero, and decide to help him, do
not declare your intentions to Daddy. Daddy will clap you in irons,
pending your execution. The Hero will rescue you, but having to be
rescued is demeaning.
4. If the Hero takes you to his secret base, and once there tells all
about his plans, smile sweetly, leave, and find another man; this Hero
is obviously so stupid he will not be around for very long.
5. If any of Daddy's Evil Henchmen try to make a move on you, at least
maim them. While the encounter might be interesting, it would set a bad
precedent.
6. If you do fall in love with the Hero, and want him to love you in
return, do not use a drug concocted by a wizened old lady living on the
top of a mountain. If the hero is not blind, your natural charms will be
sufficient to win him over. If he does not, or prefers the One True
Love, then he obviously has rotten taste; find someone better.
7. Do not wear dresses with high, fan-like collars. Keep your clothing
to close-fitting, simple little numbers that allow you to turn your head
to see what is behind you. If you have to wear a dress with such a
collar, there is an arcane device called a "mirror" that allows you to
see behind yourself.
8. Have some engineers install a hidden exit from the room where Daddy
imprisoned Mommy for the rest of her days after she displeased him.
9. Do not mistreat the populace. Let Daddy be the one to make enemies
of all the Heroes in the land.
10. If you have siblings, do not trust them. They'll only take
advantage of you. Of course if they're stupid enough to trust you, take
advantage of them.
11. If any of your siblings try to enlist your aid to overthrow Daddy,
smile, promise to think it over, and then turn them in. They're either
stupid (in which case the plot would certainly fail and you'll all get
caught), setting you up (in which case not turning them in is a very bad
idea), or they've turned Good (in which case life under the new regime
would be boring).
12. Laugh at all of the Sidekick's jokes, no matter how lame they are.
That way when you pretend to fall for him he will be more easily fooled.
13. Rather than simply being an attractive stage prop, make sure you
know every detail of the running of the Evil Empire, so that if anything
unpleasant happens to Daddy, you will be able to take over with minimal
fuss. Then make sure that something unpleasant happens to Daddy.
14. If you cannot decided between sleeping with the Hero and slowly
roasting him alive, postpone dealing with him until you have clarified
your emotions.
From - Fri Dec 12 10:16:52 1997
Subject: Moose Hunting...
reminds me of why I quit deer hunting... :)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Sad, but somewhat amusing news from the NPS Morning Report...
NATIONAL PARK SERVICE
MORNING REPORT
To: All National Park Service Areas and Offices
From: Division of Ranger Activities, Washington Office
Day/Date: Wednesday, December 10, 1997
Broadcast: By 1000 ET
INCIDENTS
97-739 - Grand Teton NP (WY) - Moose Poaching
On November 25th, during the park's authorized elk reduction program,
two moose were poached along the Three Rivers Road in the North
District. Melvin Dahle, 78, of Watertown, South Dakota, was
subsequently charged with two counts of illegally taking wildlife. Due
to his poor eyesight and inability to differentiate between moose and
elk, he shot three times at a brown, fuzzy animal, which resulted in
fatal wounds to the two moose. During the interview, Dahle said that
he'd sighted his weapon on what appeared to be an elk the previous day,
then observed someone sitting on it with an orange hat and realized that
the animal was a horse. Dahle will be not be permitted to participate
in future elk reduction programs. On December 2nd, another moose was
poached in the same area. Jerry Town, 44, of Bismarck, North Dakota,
was charged with one count each of taking wildlife and interfering with
agency functions. Town shot the moose from a distance of about 500
yards, believing it was an elk. He then took measures to hinder the
investigation. Investigators were aided, however, by citizen reports
which provided detailed descriptions of the involved persons and
vehicles. The "Park Watch" program will reward these individuals for
their efforts in the protection of natural resources. [Colin Campbell,
CR, GRTE, 12/9]
From - Mon Dec 15 10:03:51 1997
Subject: Re: humor
I hijacked this one off of CNN... enjoy!
----------
Blind researcher whose application rejected gets new chance
December 12, 1997
Web posted at: 1:53 p.m. EST (1853 GMT)
WASHINGTON (AP) -- A blind physicist whose typewritten grant
application to the Education Department was rejected because it was not
double-spaced can try again, thanks to a change in agency policy.
Education Secretary Richard Riley announced the policy change in a
letter to Sen. Ron Wyden, D-Oregon, who complained that the initial
rejection of Oregon State University researcher John Gardner's
application was a case of "bureaucracy prevailing over common sense."
Riley also invited Gardner to submit his application again next year
for funding for a proposed Braille system for computers. Gardner is the
inventor of DotsPlus, a software program for printing tactile graphics
for the visually impaired. He had asked the department for $300,000 for
a two-year study.
The department requires double spacing to ensure uniform limits on the
number of pages allowed for any given application. Gardner's assistant
typed the application. Gardner did not know it was single-spaced.
From - Tue Dec 16 10:58:02 1997
Subject: Learning from the movies...
Even more gripes about the movies... enjoy!
---------------------
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -
even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill
- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact
fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere
in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat
it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him
48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK
Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object
out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this
technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending
phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one
by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption
or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment.
From - Wed Dec 17 10:20:03 1997
Subject: Good-news-bad-news
In memory of that lovely morning 6 years ago today...
-----------------------------------------------------
The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed to a
member of the British aristocracy who has been spending much of the
summer in his residence in the south of France leaving his wife in the
United Kingdom to look after the ancestral home.
Dear Sir Royston,
I hope you are having a good time on your holiday.
I say this with sincerity because I am afraid that I have some bad
news for you, although there is good news too. First the bad news. I am
sorry to tell you that your favorite dog, Honey, is dead. The vet says
that she died instantly and could have felt no pain. She was kicked in
the head by your horse, Sherbert, though I'm sure that no blame can be
attached to Sherbert, frightened as he was by the fire in the barn.
I'm afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other horses
when it burnt to the ground. The fire brigade had been called within a
short time of the barn catching fire and would normally have been able
to put the fire out. Had it had not been for the fact that the tender
crashed into your Bentley in the lane. Your wife had taken it out for a
spin with your brother. As it was, both the tender and your Bently were
written off. No blame can be attached to your wife for the accident I'm
sure.
The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in the back
seat of the car. She managed to escape death only due to the fact that
your brother was lying on top of her at the time of the collision. The
doctors say that given time she will regain her sight but that she will
never walk again. She has also lost her memory and cannot even remember
you. Your brother, unfortunately, was killed.
I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first place.
You see a spark from the house blew over and set the roof alight. The
fire started in the main hall of the house where, as you know, your
Mattisse and your Picasso once hung. I say 'once' because they are not
there now. Fortunately neither of these paintings were damaged in the
conflagration as they were stolen beforehand by the burglar who started
the fire.
Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in fact
the bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had been visiting
your Insurance Agent in prison where he is serving a three year sentence
for fraud. I'm afraid that none of your insurance policies are valid.
This is the bad news.
As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire warmed your
greenhouse and brought your flowers on.
Regards,
Morgan
From - Thu Dec 18 09:39:40 1997
Subject: Sick Humor
Donated by a Markland friend of mine; today, on the humor list, we
present:
RUDOLPH THE XMAS DINNER
Hmmmm (get on key here, folks...)
Rudolph the xmas dinner
was a very tasty meal.
And if you ever had it
you would say it tastes like veal.
He was a little baby
when he got his brown ass shot.
We picked, dressed, and cleaned him
then, we threw him in a pot.
All of the other veggies
were spread about for good taste.
Rudolph the Xmas dinner
was ready to bake and baste.
Then one foggy Xmas eve
mother came to say,
"We're having dinner guests tonite,
ssoooo, let's make sure that they don't know..."
That it's Rudolph the Xmas dinner
family eats with glee.
Rudolph the Xmas dinner
has gone down in hisss-to-reee!!
From - Fri Dec 19 11:22:46 1997
Subject: just making sure...
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar
for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At
closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the
curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then,
sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several more
minutes. During this time, everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away. The
police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his
rights, and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a
reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
From - Mon Dec 22 10:23:14 1997
Subject: Christmas for geek-speakers
If you understand all of this, you speak geek. If you don't, you still
should enjoy the commentaries...
Enjoy!
On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)
On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB
database!)
On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything)
Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the
net)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over)
Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial
things?)
Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer
error?)
On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!)
Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold?
Three French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's. Why do you
ask?)
Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know
which ones to fix!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you
nuts?!?!)
On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? Damn!)
Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the
screen...)
Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're in the
ceiling!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this was
written?)
On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each
other!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?)
Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this time...)
Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key,
but...)
Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it
myself!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars
- NOW!)
On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security violation!)
Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on
updates?!?)
Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't
it?)
Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer me back -
DAMN!)
Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a
program)
Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling transceiver"?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in
Oslo?)
On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the servers?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?)
Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the network?)
Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same ID?)
Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that
already.)
Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do you
ask?)
Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find Lars!
L-A-R-S!)
On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?)
Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens room?
Why?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow Internet
here!)
Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
Six games a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator for
Lotus! )
Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number before...)
Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head crash!)
Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power connection?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?)
On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an extension?)
Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in
mauve?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate dial-in?)
Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!)
Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn't be
calling!)
Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit
rating!)
Three French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet again!)
Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector is bad?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be two!)
Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to do,
anyway?)
Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look like XMas
lights.)
Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics before
backups?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during business
hours.)
Seven license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know it.)
Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't even boot!)
Four support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end up with
you!)
Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude screen
backgrounds!)
Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token ring...)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo, Norway. We
were just talking and were cut off...)
From - Tue Dec 23 10:01:41 1997
Subject: Legalese Christmas
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a
certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks,
etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the
hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa
Claus(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had
retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were
clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the
lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate> the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree
of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the
Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by
approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to
be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the
animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet,
Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information
and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator
named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other
items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or
permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House,
and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with
residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a
portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant
violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the
minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other
small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said
minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the US Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where
the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or
exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" or words to
that effect.
Respectfully Submitted, The Grinch, Esquire
From - Wed Dec 24 09:45:50 1997
Subject: questions about Christmas...
This will be the last humor message from the Thalia list until next
year, as I am leaving to go to the Florida Keys for a long-overdue
vacation. Enjoy your holidays (whatever you are celebrating!), and enjoy
a blessed and safe holiday season. Love to all, lust to some - Bill
----------------------------------------------
Christmas Controversies & Various Solutions
CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with dustbunnies
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning?
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...