Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 06:20:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Talking Parrots

  A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing."
  
  "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
  
  "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.  'Want to have some
fun?'"
  
  "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem.  Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the
bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
  
  "Thank you!" the woman responded.
  
  The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the
female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
  
  One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put
the beads away.  Our prayers have been answered!"

   

Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 06:30:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  loan request

	Probably an urban legend, but amusing nevertheless.  Falls under the
category of "It deserves to be true, even if it isn't."

-----------------------

  A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the
loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral.  The title to the property dated
back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.  After
sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply
(actual letter):

  "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.  While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

  Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter
regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish
to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present
application.  I was unaware that any educated person in this country,
particularly those working in the property area, would not know that
Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of
origin identified in our application.  For the edification of uninformed
FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was
obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from
Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made
in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been
granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning
monarch, Isabella.  The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about
titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus'
expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus 
Christ, the Son of God.  And God, it is commonly accepted, created this
world.  Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that
part of the world called Louisiana.  He, therefore, would be the owner of
origin.   I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory.   Now,
may we have our loan?"
 
They got it.

   

Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 10:13:18 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  blonde joke...

  A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.  She mounts the horse unassisted & the horse
immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along at a steady & rhythmic
pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.  In terror, she grabs
for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.  She tries to
throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the
horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to
try & throw herself to safety.  Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled
in the stirrup & she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as
her head is struck against the ground again & again. As her head is battered
against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when the
Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

   

Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 09:17:33 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Article on Canada

>From _The Onion_, http://www.theonion.com

Perky "Canada" Has Own Government, Laws

      It's Monday morning, and Toronto resident Steve Dorman shares a
quick breakfast of "eggs" (a native food) with his "wife" (an
officially state-sanctioned mate), and discusses yesterday's poor
showing by the hometown team in "baseball" (a popular local sport).
After a kiss on his wife's cheek, he hops on the "subway train" (a
mode of subterranean transport) to the office.

      This is life in exotic Canada City, the capital set deep in the
heart of the mysterious land known as Canada (pronounced CAN-a-da).

      Like his estimated 35,000 fellow countrymen, Dorman is proud to
be a "Canadian." Located 120 miles north of Buffalo, NY, Canada is,
according to Dorman, "a nation with a government and laws distinct
from those of the United States." It also has a military, a system of
taxation, and periodic free elections to select political leaders. It
even has its own currency, says Dorman, various denominations of
"dollars" that can be exchanged for the many products manufactured in
Canada, including Canadian bacon and ice.

      Canada City, Canada's largest community, is located in a place
called a "province," a subdivision not unlike the cantons of
Switzerland. There are 10 Canadian provinces in all, from Nova Scotia
in the east to British Columbia in the west. And, much like America's
states, nearly every one of the provinces has its own capital. But
make no mistake--there's nothing provincial about these provinces.
Canada has both feet planted firmly in the 20th century.

      "In fact, Canadians enjoy advancements such as refrigerated
food, zippers and printing," notes Dorman, an "accountant" who goes to
work wearing the comfortable trousers, dress shirt and necktie that
form a traditional Canadian costume. "Our industries are large and
varied, ranging from logging to automobile manufacturing."

      Not too shabby for a nation that just 240 years ago had no
electricity.

Canada City
 One area in which Canada certainly has the U.S. beat is languages.
Canadians speak not only English, but also French. In fact, according
to Prime Minister (roughly Canada's equivalent of a president) Jean
Chrétien, "French is the primary language in some parts of the
country, and English is in others. The national language question has
divided our nation terribly, with Quebec even recently threatening to
leave the union."

      Canada has produced many prominent people who have gone on to
great success in hockey. Among them is Colorado Avalanche goaltender
Patrick Roy, who says hockey is the "national sport" of the Canadianers.

      "It's in our blood, it's part of our heritage, and it brings
people together," he says of the sport Canada picked up from America
in the late '50s. So appreciative is Canada, it even has hockey teams
called the "Oilers" and "Jets," named after its favorite American
football teams.

      Despite the language problem and other difficulties, at least
one Canadianer is optimistic about his country's prospects in the new
millennium.

      "Canada will remain free, proud and strong in the new century,"
says Dorman, heading off for another day of what in Canada is known as
"work." "Our nation will continue to be a beacon to those throughout
the world who value liberty, dignity and human rights."

      Aww, isn't that cute? At times like this, there's really only
one thing left to say: Oh, Canada!


Did You Know...

...that Canada is known as the "Maple Leaf State"?
...that in Canadian Units, Canada is actually a larger land mass than
the U.S.?
...that murder is illegal in Canada?
...that the province of Saskatchewan was mentioned in a song in _The
Muppet Movie_?
...that the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) also mentions
Canada in several clauses?
...that Canadians have evolved with a fully functioning pancreas?

   

Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 09:37:16 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Engineer Jokes

The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach

#10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors. 
#9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. 
#8. Not everything works according to the specs in the data book. 
#7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it,
except the complex math, which you will never use. 
#6. Always try to fix the hardware with software. 
#5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab
every day for the rest of your life. 
#4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 
#3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 
#2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
#1. Dilbert is a documentary.

********************************* 

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. 

********************************* 

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world. 
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations. 
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...

*********************************

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against
one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall.
Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were
half the previous distance apart. 
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the
girls and boys meet?" 
The mathematician said, "Never." 
The physicist said, "In an infinite amount of time." 
The engineer said, "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough
for all practical purposes."

*********************************** 

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. 
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship. 
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and
get some work done."

   

Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 10:07:32 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  We can only dream...

  Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round
of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three
buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

  They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first 
button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches 
Clinton in the face.

  Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

  A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot
comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again
Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of
peace between the two countries.

  But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and 
kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he 
can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he
tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

  A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As
the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and
prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bill
presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton
snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps
up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter.  Then the
third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens.
Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

  "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

  Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

   

Date: Wed, 9 Dec 1998 09:38:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Santa may not be a guy after all?

I think Santa Claus is a woman ... 
 
  I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. 
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing 
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!

  For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing
calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

  Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco 
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You 
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my 
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour
decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
still in the bag.

  Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, 
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and 
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate 
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be
on the way to the taxidermist. 

  Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the
fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob
Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He
would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace,
and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle. 

 Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: 
       - Men can't pack a bag.
       - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
       - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be 
            seen with all those elves.
       - Men don't answer their mail.
       - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even 
            in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
       - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing
            them.
       - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their 
            ability to pick up women.
       - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a 
            commitment.

 I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.....

       - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. 
             Definite guy.
       - Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
       - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

  Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick.  Not a chance.  As long as we have each other, good
will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas
Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

 I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

   

Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 10:17:00 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Who was Deep Throat?

dunno if true... but funny...

--------------------------

  Woodward and Bernstein (the reporters who broke the Nixon-Watergate
story) were guests on Tim Russert's show on CNBC last night. As they were
wrapping up their discussion of the latest Presidential scandal, Russert
asked the two esteemed jouralists, with a straight face, "Is there a Deep
Throat in this case?"

  They kind of stammered and grinned for a few moments, and Carl Bernstein
says "I think you better retape the end of this show... seriously."

   

Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 10:11:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Girl chokes on hamburger

  Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began 
to choke on a hamburger.  She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to 
the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time.  I'm agonna go 
over there and help."

  He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, 
Texan hands, and asked, "Kin  ya swaller?"  Gasping, she shook her head 
no.  He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head 
no.  With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked 
her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the 
bit of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

  The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure 
amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

   

Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 09:01:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  the agnostic's prayer

for those of you who haven't read _creatures_of_light_and_darkness_:

  "Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I
say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have
done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.  Conversely, if not
forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case
may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit.  I ask
this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that
which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of
your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing,
and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.  Amen."

by the late Roger Zelazny, may he rest in peace.

   

Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998 09:24:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Take a hike

		Take a hike

  A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a
very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike?
It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

  "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr.
Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a
$20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

   

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:15:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Monk Gloats at Yoga Competition

LHASA, TIBET--Employing the brash style that first brought him to 
prominence, Sri Dhananjai Bikram won the fifth annual International Yogi
Competition yesterday with a world-record point total of 873.6.

  "I am the serenest!" Bikram shouted to the estimated crowd of 20,000
yoga fans, vigorously pumping his fists. "No one is serener than Sri
Dhananjai Bikram--I am the greatest monk of all time!"

  Bikram averaged 1.89 breaths a minute during the two-hour competition,
nearly .3 fewer than his nearest competitor, second-place finisher and
two-time champion Sri Salil "The Hammer" Gupta.

  The heavily favored Gupta was upset after the loss.

  "I should be able to beat that guy with one lung tied," Gupta said. "I'm
beside myself right now, and I don't mean trans-bodily."

  Bikram got off to a fast start at the Lhasa meet, which like most major
competitions, is a six-event affair. In the first event, he attained total
consciousness (TC) in just 2 minutes, 34 seconds, and set the tone for the
rest of the meet by repeatedly shouting, "I'm blissful! You blissful?! I'm
blissful!" to the other yogis.

  Bikram, 33, burst onto the international yoga scene with a gold-mandala
performance at the 1994 Bhutan Invitational. At that competition he
premiered his aggressive style, at one point in the flexibility event
sticking his middle toes out at the other yogis. While no prohibition
exists against such behavior, according to Yoga League Commissioner Swami
Prabhupada, such behavior is generally considered "un-Buddhalike."

  "I don't care what the critics say," Bikram said. "Sri Bikram is just
gonna go out there and do Sri Bikram's own yoga thing."

  Before the Bhutan meet, Bikram had never placed better than fourth. Many
said he had forsaken rigorous training for the celebrity status accorded
by his Bhutan win, endorsing Nike's new line of prayer mats and supposedly
dating the Hindu goddess Shakti. But his performance this week will regain
for him the number one computer ranking and earn him new respect, as well
as for his coach Mahananda Vasti, the controversial guru some have called
Bikram's "guru." 

  "My special training diet for Bikram of one super-charged, carbo-loaded
grain of rice per day was essential to his win," Vasti said.

  The defeated Gupta denied that Bikram's taunting was a factor in his
inability to attain TC.

  "I just wasn't myself today," Gupta commented. "I wasn't any self today.
I was an egoless particle of the universal no-soul."

  In the second event, flexibility, Bikram maintained the lead by 
supporting himself on his index fingers for the entire 15 minutes while
touching the back of his skull to his lower spine. The feat was matched by
Gupta, who first used the position at the 1990 Tokyo Zen-Off.

  "That's my meditative position of spiritual ecstasy, not his," remarked
Gupta. "He stole my thunder."

  Bikram denied the charge, saying, "Gupta's been talking like that ever
since he was a 3rd century Egyptian slave-owner."

  Nevertheless, a strong showing by Gupta in the third event, the shotput,
placed him within a lotus petal of the lead at the competition's halfway
point.

  But event number four, the contemplation of unanswerable riddles known
as koans, proved the key to victory for Bikram.

  The koan had long been thought the weak point of his spiritual arsenal,
but his response to today's riddle--"Show me the face you had before you
were born"--was reportedly "extremely illuminative," according to
Commissioner Prabhupada.

  While koan answers are kept secret from the public for fear of exposing
the uninitiated multitudes to the terror of universal truth, insiders
claim his answer had Prabhupada and the two other judges "highly
enlightened."

  With the event victory, Bikram built himself a nearly insurmountable
lead, one he sustained through the yak-milk churn and breathing events to
come away with the upset victory.

   

Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:52:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Windows 2000 Release

Press Release

REDMOND, WA (API) -- MICROSOFT (MSFT) Chairman Bill Gates, in a statement 
issued from the Seattle world headquarters, today announced the official 
release date for the new "Windows 2000" operating systems will be delayed
until the second quarter of 1901.

   

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 08:19:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  holiday wishes

  Please accept with no obligation implied or implicit, my best wishes for
an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice
not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...

  ...as well as a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted 
calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of 
choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make 
America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any
other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and
without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious
faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

  (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely 
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no 
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for 
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is 
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.   This wish is warranted 
to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a
period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday 
greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of
this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

   

Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 08:33:24 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Bonkistry...

  Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years
by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as
"Bonkistry".  He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to
come up with something like this.

  Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and
who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.  These friends
were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week
(even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVA
and party with some friends up there.  They did this and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day
Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

  Rather than taking the final then, they found Prof. Bonk after the final
and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they
went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to
study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a
spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back
to campus.

  Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final
on the following day.  They two guys were elated, relieved and very proud
of their story.

  So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk
had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a
test booklet and told them to begin.

  They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about
molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.  "Cool" they thought, "this
is going to be easy."

  They did that problem and then turned the page.  They were unprepared
however, for what they saw on the next page.............

WHICH TIRE? (95 POINTS)

   

Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 08:41:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  At the Pharmacy

  A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size 
extra large condoms.  

  He replies, "Yes we do.  Would you like to buy some?"

  She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until
someone does?"

   

Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1998 08:45:13 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  The Soldiers Night Before Christmas

...remembering a lot of guys who won't be home tomorrow night...

Subject: "THE SOLDIERS NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS"

Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of plaster & stone.
I had come down the chimmney with presents to give
And to see just who in this home did live.
I looked all about a strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and bages, awards of all kind
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, so dark and dreary,
I knew I had found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly.
I heard stories about them, I had to see more
So I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping silent alone,
Curled up on the floor in his one bedroom home.
His face so gentle, his room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?
His head was clean shaven, his weathered face tan,
I soon understood this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night
Owed their lives to these men who were willing to fight.
Soon 'round the world, the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of solidiers like this one lying here.
I could'nt help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry, this life is my choice;
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more, 
my life is my God, my country, my Corps."
With that he rolled over and drifted off into sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I watched him for hours, so silent and still,
I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
And I covered this Soldier from his toes to his head.
And I put on his T-shirt of gray and black,
With an eagle and an Army patch embroidered on back.
And although it barely fit me, I began to sweel with pride,
And for a shining moment, I was United States Army deep inside.
I didn't want to leave him on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, whispered with a voice so clean and pure,
"Carry on Santa, it's Christmas Day, all is secure."
One look at my watch, and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night!

This poem was written on Christmas Eve 1993 by Lt. Col Bruce Lovely, USAF