February 2000...
Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 12:05:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: oooops
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your
heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good
mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 09:26:54 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Release: Mississippi Law
=======================================
NEWS FROM THE LIBERTARIAN PARTY
2600 Virginia Avenue, NW, Suite 100
Washington DC 20037
World Wide Web: http://www.LP.org
=======================================
For release: January 31, 2000
=======================================
For additional information:
George Getz, Press Secretary
Phone: (202) 333-0008 Ext. 222
E-Mail: 76214.3676@Compuserve.com
=======================================
Proposed law in Mississippi would
(ahem) get a grip on public priapism
WASHINGTON, DC -- There's a new contender for the year's dumbest
proposed law: A bill in Mississippi that would make it a crime --
punishable by a year in jail -- for a man who is, ahem, sexually aroused
(but fully clothed) to appear in public.
"Talk about hitting below the belt!" said George Getz, Libertarian
Party press secretary. "Are phallic felonies really so frequent in
Mississippi that the state needs a Private Parts Police to patrol men's
underwear?"
The bill in question -- SB 2013, introduced by Republican State
Senator Tom King -- is currently being considered by the Mississippi
Senate Judiciary Committee.
It would redefine public indecency to include the showing of
"covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state." Violators could
face up to a year in prison and a $2,000 fine.
But wait a second, say Libertarians: Is public tumescence really a
problem that is, ahem, popping up all over in Mississippi?
Not even the bill's sponsor thinks so. State Senator King says the
bill is intended to regulate the behavior of patrons at strip clubs.
"Unfortunately, King followed the First Rule of Politics: When in
doubt, legislate," said Getz. "That's why America has so many of these
kind of absurd laws."
In fact, the proposed Mississippi law joins a long list of
laughable legislation, he noted:
* In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream
cone in your pocket.
* In St. Louis, Missouri, it's illegal to sit on a street
curb and drink beer from a bucket.
* In Arkansas, it's illegal for the Arkansas River to rise
higher than the Main Street Bridge in Little Rock.
* In Pocatello, Idaho, "the carrying of concealed weapons is
forbidden, unless same are exhibited in public view."
* In Utah, it's against the law to fish from horseback.
* In Wilbur, Washington, it's illegal to ride an ugly horse.
* In Jonesboro, Georgia, it's illegal to say, "Oh boy!"
* In Devon, Connecticut, it's illegal to walk backwards after
sunset.
* In Harthahorne, Oklahoma, it's illegal to put a hypnotized
person in a display window.
* In Frankfort, Kentucky, it's illegal to shoot off a
policeman's tie.
* In Zion, Illinois, it's illegal to give cigars to cats or
dogs.
* And in Bexley, Ohio, it's illegal to put a slot machine in
an outhouse.
What SB 2013 and those other laws reveal, said Getz, is that
politicians have too much time on their hands and too much power at their
disposal.
"Unless someone is putting Viagra in the water supply in
Mississippi, a bill that regulates what goes on in your underwear sounds
like a silly solution in search of a non-problem," he said. "Of course, if
this legislation applied to Bill Clinton's White House -- where
presidential priapism is a perpetual problem -- it might be a little more
understandable."
On the other hand, there is one good thing Libertarians can say
about SB 2013, said Getz: At least it's just limited to Mississippi.
"Thank goodness this crime hasn't been federalized yet," he said.
"If that happened, we'd all have to worry about the Federal Erections
Commission."
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 12:28:37 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Gore joke
Al Gore turned down a chance to be on "The Simpsons". He explained,
"I've never been animated and I'm not going to start now."
- Conan O'Brien
Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 11:23:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: near-death experience
Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but
his daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
"That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?"
"Well," said Rose, "you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she
was screaming, 'Oh God! I'm coming! I'm coming!' and she would have but
Uncle Jerry held her down."
Date: Mon, 7 Feb 2000 10:31:01 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: how do you do it?
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons kept it
a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of
prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to
line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young
granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told
her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining
up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she
continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was
bewildered. "But you're so old ... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny...I just remove my dentures
and suck 'em dry!"
Date: Tue, 8 Feb 2000 11:37:54 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Light?
In the back woods of a southern state, this hillbilly's wife went into
labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called assist in the
delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a
lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the
doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet
another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't
be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet
another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Date: Wed, 9 Feb 2000 11:23:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: the female response
I had heard the male version of this years ago... but this is different.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
To: Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry
applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of
this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs
new,undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0,
Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and
invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run
DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose
utility is of limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please!!!!
Sincerely, Jane
*************************
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package.
However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its
creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge
Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not
designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would
cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from
the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed
once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages
are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications,
or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install
Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under
"Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program
runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you
keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical
system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read
the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL
responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To
activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED
ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the
command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can
also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to
Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create
FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete.
Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all
the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but
it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in
conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running
smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar
and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings
2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install
Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in
coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 09:58:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: doctor's visit
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said "Where are you going ?"
He said "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said "Why, are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater.
He said "Where are you going?"
She said "I'm going to the doctor too".
He said "Why?"
She said "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm
going to get a tetanus shot".
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2000 11:58:44 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: the prize
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place
for the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The
guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds
of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the
wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window
sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how
was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 12:09:11 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: watch what you say...
(forwarded)
This was far more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I
wasn't quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read
when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the
bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in
the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the
bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me
with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for special occasions.
Now, fast forward a few months.
It's Thanksgiving Day and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and
his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were
gone. Mine was to set the table. (You can see this coming, can't you?)
When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came
my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of
embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special
occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top.
I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge.
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2000 16:17:19 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: exercise
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's
97 now & we don't know where the hell she is.
2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
doing.
5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would
have put them further up our body.
6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.
7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.
10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 12:18:01 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: ants
Ever watch ants just crawling around? They walk in that single straight
line, a long, a long, long mile of ants. Sometimes they will walk over and
pick up their dead friends and carry those around. I'm pretty sure it's
because they can get in the carpool lane and pass up that line.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2000 12:50:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: I could be a...
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally
improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The
psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed
with caution, and chose to interview him first.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering,
what do you plan to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if
I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a
nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons
research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit
myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less
difficult and stressful."
"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.
"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to
be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young
people."
"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.
"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science,
or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric
instutition."
"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always
continue to be a teakettle."
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2000 17:39:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: point of order...
A recently married young rabbi went to his congregation, informed them
of his wife's pregnancy and asked for a raise in wages that would allow
him a reasonable salary. After due deliberation they all agreed that the
increase in family size warranted the raise and informed the rabbi. After
6 births in six years a meeting was called to complain that the cost was
becoming burdensome. Addressing the congregation the rabbi said that
having children was an act of God just like snow and rain. From the back
of the room came a voice saying "Point of order, rabbi. For snow and rain
we all wear rubbers".
Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2000 11:44:59 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: politeness
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk,
the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something
wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and
said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"Because," replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of strangers. You should have said there
is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem
further with the doctor in private".
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something
wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly.
"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 21:44:41 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: aging
(from Michael Salsburg) - You're Getting Old When:
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun
to grow in the middle.
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What
could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
Doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action," means I don't need to take a
laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid
you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through
Congress.
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking lot.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't
know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that "morning after" feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 11:57:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: happy leap year day!
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The
man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to
room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go
to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11,
but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand
there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be
quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are
in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...