Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001 07:57:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  a story with a moral...

A New Aesop's Fable

  Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip
top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow." Mr. Crow
shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit."

  Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted
back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and
loving it." 

  Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, "Do
you think I could do that too?" Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don't see
why not!" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing
Absolutely Nothing. 

  In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him. 

  The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely 
Nothing, but only if you are really high up.

Date: Fri, 2 Feb 2001 07:49:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  bug spray?

  A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect 
repellent.He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, 
my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I personally 
guarantee it."
                         
  The farmer was dubious.  "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll
tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If
there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from
you."
                         
  The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The 
farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a
stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
                         
  The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the
cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not
a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard,
and drawn, but not one bite on him.
                         
  The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on 
you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
                         
  The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and said, "Jeezus, mister,
doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"

Date: Mon, 5 Feb 2001 07:49:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  don't mess with the old folks...

Defense Attorney:
What is your age?
 
Little Old Woman:
I am 86 years old.
 
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring
evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down
beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Woman:
No, but he sure was friendly.
 
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down beside you?
 
Little Old Woman:
He started to rub my thigh.
 
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
 
Little Old Woman:
No, I didn't stop him.
 
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
 
Little Old Woman:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30
years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Woman:
He began to rub my breasts.
 
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
 
Little Old Woman:
No, I did not stop him.
 
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
 
Little Old Woman:
Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
 
Little Old Woman:
Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to
him, "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: 
Did he take you?
 
Little Old Woman:
Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the
son of a bitch!

Date: Tue, 6 Feb 2001 08:19:41 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  English Language...

Here's an alternative history of the English language... from our friends
at the SCA... :)

-----

  In the beginning there was an island off the coast of Europe. It had no 
name, for the natives had no language, only a collection of grunts and 
gestures that roughly translated to "Hey!" "Gimme!" and "Pardon me, but 
would you happen to have any woad?"

  Then the Romans invaded it and called it Britain, because the natives 
were "blue, nasty, br(u-i)tish and short." This was the start of the 
importance of u (and its mispronounciation) to the language. After 
building some roads, killing off some of the nasty little blue people and
walling up the rest, the Romans left, taking the language instruction
manual with them.

  The British were bored so they invited the barbarians to come over 
(under Hengist) and "Horsa" 'round a bit. The Angles, Saxons, and Jutes 
brought slightly more refined vocal noises.

  All of the vocal sounds of this primitive language were onomatapoeic, 
being derived from the sounds of battle. Consonants were derived from the
sounds of weapons striking a foe. "Sss" and "th" for example are the 
sounds of a draw cut, "k" is the sound of a solidly landed axe blow, "b",
"d", are the sounds of a head dropping onto rock and sod respectively, and
"gl" is the sound of a body splashing into a bog.

  Vowels (which were either gargles in the back of the throat or sharp 
exhalations) were derived from the sounds the foe himself made when 
struck.

  The barbarians had so much fun that decided to stay for post-revel. The 
British, finding that they had lost future use of the site, moved into the
hills to the west and called themselves Welsh.

  The Irish, having heard about language from Patrick, came over to 
investigate. When they saw the shiny vowels, they pried them loose and 
took them home. They then raided Wales and stole both their cattle and 
their vowels, so the poor Welsh had to make do with sheep and 
consonants. ("Old Ap Ivor hadde a farm, L Y L Y W!  And on that farm he 
hadde somme gees. With a dd dd here and a dd dd there...")

  To prevent future raids, the Welsh started calling themselves
"Cymry" and gave even longer names to their villages. They figured if no
one could pronounce the name of their people or the names of their towns, 
then no one would visit them. (The success of the tactic is demonstrated 
still today. How many travel agents have YOU heard suggest a visit to 
scenic Llyddumlmunnyddthllywddu?)

  Meantime, the Irish brought all the shiny new vowels home to Erin. But 
of course they didn't know that there was once an instruction manual for 
them, so they scattered the vowels throughout the language purely as 
ornaments. Most of the new vowels were not pronounced, and those that were
were pronounced differently depending on which kind of consonant they were
either preceding or following.

  The Danes came over and saw the pretty vowels bedecking all the Irish 
words. "Ooooh!" they said. They raided Ireland and brought the vowels back
home with them. But the Vikings couldn't keep track of all the Irish rules
so they simply pronounced all the vowels "oouuoo."

  In the meantime, the French had invaded Britain, which was populated by 
descendants of the Germanic Angles, Saxons, and Jutes. After a generation
or two, the people were speaking German with a French accent and calling
it English. Then the Danes invaded again, crying "Oouuoo! Oouuoo!" burning
abbeys, and trading with the townspeople.

  The Britons that the Romans hadn't killed intermarried with visiting 
Irish and became Scots. Against the advice of their travel agents, they 
decided to visit Wales. (The Scots couldn't read the signposts that said,
"This way to Lyddyllwwyddymmllwylldd," but they could smell sheep a league
away.) The Scots took the sheep home with them and made some of them into
haggis. What they made with the others we won't say, but Scots are known
to this day for having hairy legs.

  The former Welsh, being totally bereft, moved down out of the hills and 
into London. Because they were the only people in the Islands who played 
flutes instead of bagpipes, they were called Tooters. This made them very
popular. In short order, Henry Tooter got elected King and began 
popularizing ornate, unflattering clothing.

  Soon, everybody was wearing ornate, unflattering clothing, playing the 
flute, speaking German with a French accent, pronouncing all their vowels
"oouuoo" (which was fairly easy given the French accent), and making lots
of money in the wool trade. Because they were rich, people smiled more
(remember, at this time, "Beowulf" and "Canterbury Tales" were the only
tabloids, and gave generally favorable reviews even to Danes). And since
it is next to impossible to keep your vowels in the back of your throat
(even if you do speak German with a French accent) while smiling and
saying "oouuoo" (try it, you'll see what I mean), the Great Vowel Shift
came about and transformed the English language.

  The very richest had their vowels shifted right out in front of their 
teeth. They settled in Manchester and later in Boston. There were a few 
poor souls who, cut off from the economic prosperity of the wool trade, 
continued to swallow their vowels. They wandered the countryside in misery
and despair until they came to the docks of London, where their dialect
devolved into the incomprehensible language known as Cockney. Later, it
was taken overseas and further brutalized by merging it with Dutch and
Italian to create Brooklynese.

Date: Wed, 7 Feb 2001 08:40:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"If I owned both Hell and Texas, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell." 
- William T. Sherman 
 

Date: Thu, 8 Feb 2001 08:50:28 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  one way of looking at it...

"Marriage is neither heaven nor hell; it is simply purgatory."
- Abraham Lincoln 

Date: Fri, 9 Feb 2001 08:31:18 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  The God Squad

 Date :- 3rd May 0023
 
 TO:
 Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
 13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
 Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
 Judea.
 
 Dear Sirs,
 
 
  It is Mr.  Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and 
publish a biography of him in the near future.  Such a biography would, he
is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were 
published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up
with the highest authority.  However he can fully understand your wish to
write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of
conditions:
 
   1.  That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you
       propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.
 
   2.  That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
       Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity.  He
       suggest you utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario.  Mr.  Christ
       realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one
       ever went bust underestimating the credibility of the average
       religious zealot.
 
   3.  That all references to the incident involving the members of
       members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon
       to be exised forthwith.
 
   4.  That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were.  The actual
       circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough.  An
       accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the
       theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric
       effects of a large cast.
 
   5.  That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My
       dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'
 
   6.  That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
       introduced to give him away to the authorities.  The reality of
       the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent
       exposure, should on no account be discussed.
 
   7.  And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be
       removed or at least modified.
 
 As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you 
should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't
see it as a success himself.  He informs me that he enjoyed your previous
books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin'
the Winded'.  Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same
vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit
sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book.  In any
case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for
'Shake 'n' Vac'.
 
 Yours sincerely.
 Adam G Smith.
 pp Jesus H Christ.

Date: Mon, 12 Feb 2001 08:42:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  cat one-liners

--My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.

--My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

--My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

--My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

--My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

--My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.

--My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.

--My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.

--My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.

--My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next. 

--My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

--My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.

--My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.

--My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

--My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

--My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

--My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

--My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.

--My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(the food dish).

Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2001 08:05:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Some things are eternal

  Who has not thrilled to the story of Horatius at the bridge? How he and 
two other Romans stood off the Army of Lars Porsena until the bridge to
Rome could be destroyed? How his companions ran to safety as the bridge
began to fall? How Horatius, only after the bridge was down, quit his post
and swam the Tiber to safety? Here is a translation of a papyrus found
recently which requested an award for Horatius:

-----

Rome, II Calends, April CCCLX
SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honor
TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome

I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Captain of Foot, CMCMXIV, for the Senate 
Medal of Honor.

II. Captain Horatius has served XVI years, all honorable.

III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena 
of Clausium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Captain Horatius, with 
Sergeant Sporius Laritus and Corporal Julius Herminius, held the entire
Tuscan army at the far end of the bridge, until the structure could be
destroyed, thereby saving the city.

IV. Captain Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Major Picus of 
Clausium in individual combat.

V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Captain 
Horatius are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army.

JULIUS ANTINOUS,
Commander, II Foot Legion

***************

Ist, Ind, AG IV Calends, April CCCLX
TO: G-III

For comment.
G.C.

***********

IInd Ind, G-III IX Calends, May CCC
TO: G-II

I. For comment and forwarding.

II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the 
effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well dispersed 
tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as written
might be construed to cast aspersions on our fine army.

III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable 
initiative." Captain Horatius's command was II men, only I/IV of a squad.

J.D.

********

IIId Ind, G-II II Ides, June CCCLX
TO: G-I

I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is 
classified.

II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Captain Picus 
of Tifernum. Recommend change to "an officer of the enemy forces."

J.H.

********

IVth Ind, G-I IX Ides, January CCCLXI
TO: JAG

I. Full name is Caius Claudius Horatius.

II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter BPOE, 
has been given credit for military service in error.

E.J.

********

Vth Ind, JAG II, February CCCLXI
TO: AG

I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was 
closed.

II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action.

III. The Senate Medal of Honor cannot be awarded in peacetime 
(AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C).

IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal.

P.B.

********

VIth Ind, AF IV Calends, April CCCLXI
TO: G-I

Concur in paragraph IV, Vth Ind.
L.J.

********

VIIth Ind, G-I I May CCCLXI
TO: AG

Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as 
appropriate.

E.J.

********

VIIIth Ind, JAG II Calends, June CCCLXI
TO: JAG

For opinion.
G.C.

********

IXth Ind, JAG II Calends, September CCCLXI

I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star 
of bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed.

II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.
P.B.

********

X Ind, AG I Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-I

For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.
P.B.

********

XI Ind, G-I III Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-II

I. Do not concur.

II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current 
delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were given to 
Captain Horatius' actions at this time.

T.J.

*****

XII Ind, G-II VI November CCCLXI
TO: G-I

A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very 
sensitive about the Horatius affair.
E.T.

*******

XIIIth Ind, G-I X November CCCLXI
TO: AG

I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the 
endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Captain C. C. Horatius
to one of our overseas stations (remote).

II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits 
interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival at final 
destination.

L.T.

********

Rome    II Calends, I April CCCLXII
SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, Department of War
TO: Captain Caius Caius Horatius, III Legion, V Phalanx, APO XIX, C/O 
Postmaster, Rome.

I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the 
Tiber River of III March CCCLX have been carefully considered.

II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action against certain 
unfriendly elements on that day. However, Sergeant Lartius and Corporal 
Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government
property.

III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by 
II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword, officers; III/IV
talent cost of one each shield, M-II).

IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to 
conservation of government funds and property. The budget must be balanced
next year.

H. MARCUS AURELIUS
Lieutenant of Horse
Survey Officer

Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2001 09:08:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  exam

1.) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
  [ True] or [ False ]

2.) Asphalt describes rectal problems.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

3.) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

4.) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

5.) The clitoris is a type of flower.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

6.) A G-string is part of a fiddle.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

7.) Semen is a term for sailors.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

8.) Testicles are found on an Octopus.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

9.) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

10.) Coitus is a musical instrument.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

11.) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

12.) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

13.) A condom is a large apartment complex.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

14.) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

15.) A penis is a variety of sweet pickle.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

16.) An erection is when Japanese people vote.
  [True ] or [False ]

17.) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

18.) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
  [ True ] or [ False ]

19.) Douche is the French word for "twelve."
  [ True ] or [ False ]

Date: Thu, 15 Feb 2001 07:08:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  bumper sticker OTD

"Remember - any traffic lights set at 35mph are also set to 70mph..."

Date: Fri, 16 Feb 2001 09:06:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Baltimore

A comment heard about Charm City.

"I love Baltimore-- there's always something happening there.  Of course...
it usually goes unsolved... "

Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2001 07:58:47 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  guessing

  80 year old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the men's retirement 
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who
can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly
gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute
and says, "Close enough."

Date: Tue, 20 Feb 2001 10:57:19 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  old stuff

  An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her 
hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.  A gentleman 
approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward,
but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

  "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

  "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the 
gentleman in earnest.

  The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, 
anything you see down there is 85 years old.  I just bought this hat 
yesterday!"

Date: Wed, 21 Feb 2001 08:56:01 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Rocks

  One day, an expert in time management was speaking to a group of 
business students. To drive home a point he used an illustration that
those students may never forget.

  He stood in front of the group of high powered over-achievers and 
announced, "OK, time for a quiz." He set a one gallon, wide mouthed Mason
jar on the table in front of him. He then brought out a dozen fist sized
rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar.

  When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside,
he asked, "Is the jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes."

  He replied, "Really?"

  He then reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. He 
dumped some gravel in and shook the jar, causing pieces of gravel to work 
themselves down into the space between the big rocks.

  Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?"

  By this time the class was onto him. "Probably not," one of them 
answered.

  "Good!" he replied.

  He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started 
to dump the sand into the jar and it went into the spaces left between the
rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is the jar full?"

  "No!" the class shouted.

  Once again he replied, "Good!"

  He took a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was 
filled to the brim. He then looked at the class and asked, "What is the
point of this illustration?"

  One eager student raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how 
full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some
more things in!"

  "No," the speaker replied, "That is not the point. The truth this 
illustration teaches us is:  If you don't put the big rocks in first, you
will never get them in at all. What are the 'BIG ROCKS' in your 
life? Your children... Your loved ones... Your education... Your 
dreams... A worthy cause... Teaching or mentoring others... Doing things
that you love... Time for yourself... Your health... Your significant
other."

  "Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you will never get them in 
at all. If you sweat the little stuff (the gravel, the sand) then you will 
fill your life with little things to worry about that don't really matter,
and you will never have the real quality time you need to spend on the
big, important stuff (the big rocks).

  So, tonight or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short 
story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my
life? Then, put them in your jar first."

Date: Thu, 22 Feb 2001 08:44:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Horoscopes for this week

Aries: (March 21--April 19) 
Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered
when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller. 

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20) 
Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you
can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them. 

Gemini: (May 21--June 21) 
Until next Thursday, you would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that
unicycles couldn't explode. 

Cancer: (June 22--July 22) 
You will enjoy increased attention when you are chosen as the site of the
2008 Summer Olympics. 

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22) 
You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, moments after a
wayward icepick removes your frontal lobe.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22) 
Your whole view of the universe will change drastically when you learn
you have been greatly overestimating the strength of the weak nuclear force.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23) 
No one can say you don't have good all-American values. After all, you're
the House Of All-American Values off Route 40 in Davenport, IA. 

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21) 
Your conspiracy theory about a shadowy cabal of high-ranking Hardee's
executives who run the Hardee's restaurant chain from behind the scenes turns out to be frighteningly close to reality. 

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21) 
The worst thing about the bloody events of next week will be that Penn
and Teller feel no need to apologize for any of it. 

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19) 
Though you're not sure why people are always telling you to go screw
yourself, there's no real reason not to. 

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18) 
The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the
Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad. 

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20) 
Try to keep things in proper perspective this week, even after you lose
your left eye to marauding longbowmen. 

Date: Fri, 23 Feb 2001 09:45:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Romance novel?"
"Girl porn."

Date: Mon, 26 Feb 2001 08:05:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  think before you say it...

  A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he'd found a frog.

  She asked whether it was alive or dead.

  "Dead," she was informed.

  "How do you know?" she asked.

  "Because I pissed in his ear," said the child,

  "You did WHAT?!?" squealed the teacher in surprise.

  "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and he 
didn't move."

Date: Tue, 27 Feb 2001 09:02:55 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Beating a dead horse

  Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead 
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try
other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 08:46:20 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  in honor of his speech last night

Bush Unveils Faith-Based Missile Defense

By Gregg Easterbrook

Wednesday, Feb. 21, 2001, at 10:00 a.m. PT

WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush announced an initiative to develop a 
faith-based missile defense. "For too long, military planners have been 
denied the use of the supernatural in attempting to protect American 
citizens from attack," Bush declared today in a speech to the National 
Association of Amateur Submarine Captains. "There is no reason why we 
cannot maintain a healthy separation of church and state while still 
calling on divine intervention for the Pentagon budget. Faith-based 
missile defense will be constitutional and fully consistent with the way 
the Founding Fathers expected this great nation to handle ICBM
threats," the president said.

  The faith-based defense would be nondenominational and designed to 
protect Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and Wiccans, as well as Christians, 
officials said. (For technical reasons, it is unclear whether nonbelievers
can be protected.) Pentagon sources say the system is code-named Rapture. 

  Initial plans call for Rapture components to be hidden in the steeples 
of churches, which are about the size and shape of rockets, and possibly 
in Catholic cardinals' miters. "If we put a Rapture anti-missile missile 
in every church steeple in America, even small towns will be defended, and
the spending will be distributed to all congressional districts," an 
informed official said. The schedule for development and construction is 
uncertain, depending on how quickly cost overruns can begin.

  White House officials insisted the system would pose no threat to the 
religions of other nations and said that leadership at the Vatican, 
Constantinople, Mecca, Amritsar, and other key world-faith sites would be
fully briefed on the project. "However there is some concern about what
would happen if this technology fell into the hands of the 
Lubavitchers," one senior aide said.

  While operational details of the system are apparently still being 
worked out, during an attack by an ICBM launched by a "rogue state" or 
possibly by Marc Rich, computers for the faith-based system would rapidly
activate a "prayer circle" of persons who will register with a database as
being willing to pray for national survival. Automated cell phone and
instant-messenger messages would instruct the persons in the prayer circle
on the altitude, azimuth, velocity, and orbital trajectory of the incoming
threat; they would then employ prayer to guide the Rapture defensive
missiles to the intercept point. "It's a pretty cool concept
technologically, although there is a danger of fire when each missile
blasts out of its housing in the steeple," one official said.

  Critics said the system could be fooled if incoming warheads were 
surrounded by a cloud of Torahs, Korans, Upanishads, and Gospels as 
decoys. In secret tests conducted last month on a remote Pacific Ocean 
island, a prayer-circle guidance team proved unable to distinguish between
a dummy nuclear warhead and a specially reinforced hymnal when both were
re-entering the atmosphere at speeds in excess of 8,000 miles per hour.

  President Bush also authorized the creation of an Office of Faith-Based 
Research and Development at the Pentagon and named evangelist James Dobson
to head the project. (Lockheed Martin will provide management 
services.) Dobson told reporters that he envisioned moving the Defense 
Department beyond tanks, fighters, and aircraft carriers into an entire 
new generation of faith-based munitions. "Lightning and swords will be the
weapons of Armageddon, so America must begin to stockpile the most lethal,
technologically advanced blades and energy-bolt projectors that our
science can design," Dobson said. "Saddam Hussein isn't working on 
plutonium, he is trying to develop seven-headed dragons and gigantic 
armored locusts. We're going to have a little surprise ready when he tries
to use them."

  Dobson displayed a prototype faith-based infantry weapon - a gilded
staff that, he said, could hurl a powerful lightning bolt, scorching into 
powder whatever it was pointed at. He urged onlookers to try the weapon at
a hastily arranged demonstration range. But when several reporters 
attempted to fire the staff, nothing happened. "That's because you're all
journalists," Dobson said. "It only works for believers."

  Separately, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said that George W. Bush 
favored changing the slogan on U.S. coinage and tender from "In God We 
Trust" to "God Help Us." This phrasing "better reflects the president's 
feelings about the coming four years," Fleischer said.