Date: Fri, 1 Feb 2002 10:16:51 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  snow positioning

  Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have
3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered
side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Jay's wife goes out
and moves her car.

  A week later while they are eating breakfast, the  radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.

  The next week they are having breakfast again, when  the radio announcer
says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.  You must park...",
then the electric power goes out.  Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know
what to do." Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this
time?"

Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2002 09:42:04 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  twins

100 YEAR OLD TWIN SISTERS

  There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St.
Luke's Nursing Home in Atlanta, GA and the editor of the local newspaper
told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100
year old twin bitteys. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other
could hear quite well.

  The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to
her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!",

  "Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. "WHAT DID HE
SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" - So they wiggled up close to
each other.

  "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the
photographer. "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! "With a big
grin, - "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2002 10:07:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Happy Valentine's Day

  Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me
for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit then says,
"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine
to?"

  "Osama Bin Laden," David says.

  "Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

  "Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

  His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

  "I know," David says. "And once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the shit out of him."

Date: Fri, 8 Feb 2002 09:22:55 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Young King Arthur

  Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as
he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would
be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

  Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than
death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

 He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people
advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the answer. The
price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the
exorbitant prices she charged.

  The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to
accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most
noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

  Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises ... etc. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to
marry her and have to endure such a burden.

  Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him
that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and
the witch answered Arthur's question thus, "What a woman really wants is
to be in charge of her own life."

  Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and
that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch
granted Arthur total freedom.

  What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old
witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.

  The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most
beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked
what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to
her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her
beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and
which during the night?

  What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day,
a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous
witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate
moments?

  What would you do?

  What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your
own choice.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is: If your woman doesn't get
her own way, things are going to get ugly.

Date: Mon, 11 Feb 2002 10:54:16 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  fishing

  Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:

  FIRST GUY: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every
room in the house next weekend."

  SECOND GUY: "That is nothing. I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool."

  THIRD GUY: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I would
remodel the kitchen for her."

  They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not
said a word. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you
had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

  FOURTH GUY: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut
off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she
said, "Wear a sweater."

Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2002 11:11:57 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of
the world.
-- Schopenhauer

Date: Wed, 13 Feb 2002 14:00:54 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  bee-sting

  A lady is playing a round of golf and she is stung by a bee.  It really
hurts so she decides to go back to the club house for medical assitance.

  On her way into the club house the golf pro comments that she had played
a very quick round.  She explains that she had been stung by a bee.

  The golf pro says, "Where did you get stung?"

  She replies, "Between the first and second hole".

  The pro looks at her and says,  "Your stance is too wide."

Date: Fri, 15 Feb 2002 11:12:32 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  the evil axis

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL

  Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own
Clubs - Beijing (SatireWire.com)

  Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya,
China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as
Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union
address.

  Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as
having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...
in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody
knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

  "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

  "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi
President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World
War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only
have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

  International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as
within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations
rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical
chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat
Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of
Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the
Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

  With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling
up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the
Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That
Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America,
while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries
That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

  "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said
Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

  While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making
fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he
rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in
"Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel,
meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world
leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2002 09:35:24 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

Love is being stupid together. -- Paul Valery

Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 10:03:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
-- George Burns

Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2002 11:03:12 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  ummm...OK...

  Two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a
retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week
stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of
the hotel watching the sun set.

  The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read
Marx?"

  To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker
chairs."

Date: Thu, 21 Feb 2002 16:58:26 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
-- Hector Berlioz

Date: Fri, 22 Feb 2002 19:58:28 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Interesting 

  At 8.02pm on February 20 this year it will be an historic moment in
time. It will not be marked by the chiming of any clocks or the ringing of
bells, but at that precise time, on that specific date, something will
happen which has not occurred for 1,001 years and will never happen again.

  As the clock ticks over from 8.01pm on Wednesday, February 20, time
will, for sixty seconds only, read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002, 2002,
or to be more precise - 20:02, 20/02, 2002.

  The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical pattern was long
before the days of the digital watch and the 24-hour clock - at 10.01am on
January 10,1001. And because the clock only goes up to 23.59, it is
something that will never happen again.

Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2002 10:08:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely
powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is
deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
-- Andrew Lias

Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2002 10:50:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  flies

  A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

  Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
head.

  The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

  The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said --"Well yeah, if that's
what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

  So the farmer says -- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."

  The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after
a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call
me a horse's ass?"

  The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's
ass."

  The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
the ticket.

  After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Date: Wed, 27 Feb 2002 11:49:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "Were it left for me to decide whether we should have a government
without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not
hesitate a moment to prefer the latter."
-Thomas Jefferson

Date: Thu, 28 Feb 2002 10:19:36 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  names

  Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

  One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

  Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"