Date: Mon, 3 Feb 2003 06:42:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  listen closer...

  An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending
home money and gifts to her parents.  After a few years, they asked her to
come home for a visit, as her father was in failing health.

  She pulled up to the family cottage in a Rolls Royce and stepped out
wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked in the house her father remarked,
"Well lass, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London!"

  The girl took his hands and cried,  "Da--I've been meaning to tell you
something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter.  I can't hide
it from you any longer...... I've become a prostitute."

  Her dear old father gasped, put his hand over his heart and keeled over.

  The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live.
He was put to bed and the priest was called.  As the priest began to
administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and
wailing bedside, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner--killed by me
own daughter!  Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed. "I only wanted to have nice
things. I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do
that was by becoming a prostitute."

  Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling.

  "Did you say PROSTITUTE?!! I thought you said PROTESTANT."

Date: Tue, 4 Feb 2003 06:24:16 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

"There are no insolvable problems.
The question is can you accept the solution?"

Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2003 06:39:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Six

  A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

  "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

  On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off
they went to a local theme park.

  What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!

  Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down.

  Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy
Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to
a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms.

  What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what
was it like being six again?"

  One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

  The moral of this story:! Even when the man is listening, he's still
gonna get it wrong.

Date: Thu, 6 Feb 2003 08:20:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

Hawkeye's Conclusion:
"It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole circus."

Date: Mon, 10 Feb 2003 06:33:08 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the
trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs,
and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to
humanity."
-- H. L. Mencken

Date: Tue, 11 Feb 2003 09:34:57 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the
source of all art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who
can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead;
his eyes are closed."
-- Einstein (1879-1955)

Date: Wed, 12 Feb 2003 06:56:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  gotta know these things...

  Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race
track.  One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his
shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and
blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

  Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the tract as the 5th
race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of
the horses.  Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet
on the horse.  Again, even though another long shot, the horse the
priest had blessed won the race.

  Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the
priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.  The priest showed,
blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated!

  As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and
it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and
by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the
priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.  True to
his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race
and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

  Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

  Mitchell was dumbfounded.  He made his way to the track and when he
found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father?  All day you
blessed horses and they won.  The last race, you blessed a horse and he
lost.  Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

  The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
non-Catholics.  You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing
and the Last Rites."

Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2003 09:40:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by
the number of people in the group.

Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2003 09:24:16 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  logical...

  Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday
and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and maybe a
few times during the year.

 One Sunday, Ole was sitting in the pew right behind Lena and got to
noticing what a fine looking woman she was.

 While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
"Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

 "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," Lena replied.

 Ole was tickled as all get out. All week long he polished his old Ford
truck. On Friday he picked up Lena and took her to the finest restaurant
in New Ulm.

 When they sat down, Ole looked at Lena and asked, "Lena, vould you a
cocktail before supper?"

 "Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

 Ole was a little taken back, but he didn't say much about it. After
dinner, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes,
offering Lena one.

 "Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

 Well, Ole was feeling kind of low, having had two offers rebuffed. On the
way home, was they passed the Hot Springs Motel, he figured, heck, he'd
struck out twice, so he had nothing to lose.

 "Hey, Lena, vould you like to stop at the motel with me?"

 "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," she replied.

 Ole couldn't believe his luck. He whipped his Ford into the parking lot,
jumped out of the truck, ran into the hotel office, checked in, ran back
out, and took Lena right to the hotel room.

 The next morning Ole got up first.  He looked at Lena lying on the bed,
her hair spread out all over the pillow. "Vat have I done, vat have I
done?" Ole thought. He shook Lena awake. "Lena, I've got to ask you von
thing."

 "Vot's dat?" she said, sleepily.

 "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

 "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to drink and smoke to
have a good time."

Date: Mon, 17 Feb 2003 08:55:29 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Let's do it."
-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad

Date: Tue, 18 Feb 2003 07:01:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows returning
to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball."
-- Bill Veeck

Date: Wed, 19 Feb 2003 18:57:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I like what I'm doing better than the way you're not doing it."
--Dr. Albert Schweitzer, in response to a critic

Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2003 15:31:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of
the world."
-- Schopenhauer

Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2003 06:38:32 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  ouch...

  A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"

  A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their
laughter and snickering.

  When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your OTHER hand."

  It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order.......

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2003 20:03:07 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  show and tell

  A grammar-school teacher from Miami remembers this Oscar-worthy
birth tableau from one of her students...

  I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back.

  When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little
public speaking, and it gives me a break and some guaranteed
entertainment.

  Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever
place any boundaries or limitations on them.  If they want to lug it to
school and talk about it, they're welcome.

  Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

  "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and
then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He
ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

  She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her
in amazement.  "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going,
'Oh, oh, oh!'"  Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'"  Now the kid's doing
this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. "My father
called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign
on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed
like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall.  "And then,
pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got
thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!"  The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is
miming water flowing away.  It was too much!   "Then the middle wife
starts going, "push, push," and "breathe, breathe."   They start counting,
but they never even got past ten.  Then, all of a sudden, out comes my
brother.  He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the
play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

  Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

  I'm sure I applauded the loudest.  Ever since then, if it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes
along.

Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2003 06:56:53 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
protein -- it rejects it."
-- P. Medawar

Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 07:03:42 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  entrance questions

  Three blondes (naturally) died and found themselves standing before St.
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to
tell him what Easter was.

  The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he
banished her to hell.

  The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

  The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,"So,
tell me." She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His
disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The
Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him
in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

  St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

  Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks
of basketball."

  St. Peter fainted......