Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2005 09:22:19 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  a question of scale

  An apt and true reply was given to Alexander the Great by a pirate who 
had been seized. For when that king had asked the man what he meant by 
keeping hostile possession of the sea, he answered with bold pride. "What 
thou meanest by seizing the whole earth; but because I do it with a petty 
ship, I am called a robber, whilst thou who dost it with a great fleet art
styled emperor." 
-- St. Augustine, The City of God

Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2005 08:10:15 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"It is a universal truth that the loss of liberty at home is to be charged 
to the provisions against danger, real or pretended, from abroad."
-- James Madison

Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2005 09:11:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  aging... for you ladies...

WOMEN AGING WITH A SMILE...

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat 'til the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing.  Not on purpose...some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life!  Provided we get cable or?.. that dish thing?

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.  The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down.  It's too hard to get back up.

Date: Mon, 7 Feb 2005 14:23:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I don't know whether you want me to take a Sherman, or say, 'If 
nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve,' or, 'Not only 
no, but hell no.' I've got my plans laid out. I'm going to serve this 
president for the next four years, and then I'm out of here." 
-- Vice President Cheney, when asked yesterday by Chris Wallace on "Fox 
News Sunday" about the possibility of a 2008 run. 

Date: Tue, 8 Feb 2005 08:31:44 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  ah, life was different then...

  It's the late 1970s, and this IT service bureau has just become a 
value-added reseller for a line of minicomputers, says a pilot fish 
working there at the time.

  "We spent a lot of time porting our batch customer applications to this
vendor's new interactive system," says fish. "We mostly wrote 'Please wait'
screens and menus for running batch applications in the background to
complement the new data entry and data inquiry screens.

  "We didn't have the money for a development-only box and a separate
demonstration system for sales, so whenever a potential client was scheduled
for a demo, we had to stop developing and reload the sales demo."

  One of fish's fellow developers decides to have some fun with the 
'Please Wait' screen. In his version, a user who touches the keyboard sees 
a series of messages that starts with "Good things come to those who have 
patience," then proceeds to "Now now, just a few more minutes," and 
finally a screen that beeps and flashes in large letters, "CAN'T YOU READ" 
and "DUMMY!!!!!"

  "It was a great joke that we played with during development, but removed 
for production," fish says.

  But one morning a sales guy calls with an unscheduled demo. The machine
isn't set up for a sales demo, and fish tells the sales guy he can have it
after lunch -- not before.

  "The customer showed up at 11:30 -- COO, CFO and CIO," says fish. "The 
CFO was bored and really wanted to rush through. The salesperson didn't 
check to see if the demo had been loaded and started his presentation.

  "The COO and CIO sat paying close attention, while the CFO went to the 
back of the room and started playing with a terminal.

  "All of a sudden there was a string of strong language heard over some 
loud beeps ... you guessed it.

  "The CFO left mad. When the COO and CIO found out what happened they 
laughed and bought the system -- with the condition we leave the messages 
in."

  And the programmer? "He and the salesperson got two days off without 
pay."

Date: Wed, 9 Feb 2005 08:22:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Maier's Law

Maier's Law:
	If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed
	of.

Corollaries:
	(1) The bigger the theory, the better.
	(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
	    obtain a correspondence with the theory.

Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 10:52:55 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The Army has carried the American... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not 
only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and 
color, but also on ability."
-- T. Lehrer

Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 07:23:24 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  thought for the day

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 
Corollary: Following the rules will not get the job done.

Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 08:38:24 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Fascism should more properly be called corporatism because it is the 
merger of state and corporate power." 
-- a favorite line of Benito Mussolini, quoting Giovani Gentile 

Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 09:09:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Making love properly

  A young man and woman come to a doctor's office and say, "Doctor, we 
would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, 
please?"

  The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the young 
man gets on top of his girlfriend, and they have sex.

  After observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sex properly. 
That will be forty dollars."

  They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy 
enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, 
using different positions every day.

  On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? I 
told you you're having sex properly."

  The young man explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, 
but this way we get reimbursed by Blue Cross/Blue Shield."

Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 08:30:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"We were all going slightly crazy trying to be honest and trying to see 
straight and trying to be safe. Sometimes there are conflicts in these 
three urges."
- Arthur Miller, talking about reactions to McCarthyism while in the 1950's 

Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 07:23:18 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Dear Diary

Dear Diary, 

  For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week 
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still 
in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I 
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the 
club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who 
identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for 
athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm 
to get started!

  The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

  MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was 
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting 
for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing 
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and 
showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the 
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it 
to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching 
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my 
workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my 
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole 
time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

  TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the 
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the 
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the 
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all 
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

  WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush 
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I 
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to 
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda 
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club 
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when 
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest 
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. 
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity 
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in 
shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

  THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed 
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help 
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda 
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and 
hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put 
me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

  FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever 
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, 
anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move 
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to 
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents 
in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that 
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a 
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, 
like the drama coach or the choir director?

  SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, 
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made 
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the 
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight 
hours of the Weather Channel. 

  SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can 
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, 
my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root 
canal or a vasectomy.

Date: Mon, 21 Feb 2005 12:21:13 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Why you never question a drunk...

  A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a 
half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head 
of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As 
she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk 
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the 
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly 
stated: "You must be single." 

  The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued 
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.  She looked at 
her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her 
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. 

  Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, 
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

  The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly." 

Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 07:35:42 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  25 years ago today...

...the Miracle on Ice.

Woo-hoo!

Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 07:23:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Pilot humor

  The entrance opens, two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the 
aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the 
other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter 
spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, 
and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, 
searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is 
forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the 
people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the 
water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though 
the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At 
that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax 
and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines,
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. 
 
  In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're 
all gonna die."

Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 08:18:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a 
cheque."  
-- Brendan Francis

Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 07:51:20 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out 
with twenty-eight years ago."  
-- Will Rogers

Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 08:14:07 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his 
ability." 
-- Oscar Wilde