February 1999...
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 10:05:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: It's all in the bait
I heard this many years ago in the Broadway show "Suger Babies."
Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some
other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first
day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman
near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The
Secret.
"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are
using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon,
and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."
Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time,
and left.
The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still
had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man
realing in fish after fish.
"Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a
bit of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require
a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one
more try.
On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet
another man near him bringing in fish left and right.
Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you
a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi."
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1999 08:03:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Bar translations
1. "You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next
round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your
attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
(I'm easy.)
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
(I'm gay.)
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the
ride home?)
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
(I'm horny.)
10. "Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at
diverting attention.)
11. "Excuse Me." (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
2. "Excuse Me." (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.)
13. "Excuse Me." (female to male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
14. "Excuse Me." (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all
that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here
dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you bitch,
like the slut you are.)
15. "What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)
16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
(I'm *really* gay.)
17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
(I'm *really* easy.)
18. "That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. I don't have my ID on me." (female)
(I'm 19.)
21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my
last visit here)
Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 10:07:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Australian comment on US news
I am in almost terminal shock at the revelation by the Republican Party
that a politician lied to the public. And it was such an important lie.
So much more important than Jack Kennedy's firm statement that the USA
was not involved in the Bay of Pigs invasion. So much more important than
Dwight Eisenhower's denial that U-2 spy planes were passing over Russia.
So much more important than Lyndon Johnson's statement that a U.S. ship
had been attacked by a North Vietnamese torpedo boat. So much more
important than Richard Nixon's denial of any involvement with the
Watergate burglary, and more important than Ronald Reagan's lies about
almost everything.
All of that is trivia. The Republicans have nailed Clinton on something
that really matters: a sex act! An act that threatens the national
security of the United States of America. I always thought a gentleman was
supposed to lie about such things. Surely you wonder what impression all
this is creating in other countries.
The whole thing has been summed up by a letter-to-the-editor in
Australia. In a letter to the Sidney Morning Herald, a writer nailed it in
one line:
"Thank God we got the convicts and they got the Puritans."
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 09:58:47 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: 25 things - Dave Barry
"Twenty-five things I have learned in 50 years", from Dave Barry Turns 50:
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe "Daylight Saving Time."
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent
sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never
be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when
Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive
on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms
living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average
drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
13. Nobody is normal.
14. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that
generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need
a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through
millions of possible plot premises, it spits out , "THREE QUIRKY
BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the
executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need
an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out,
"FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT."
And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with
hammers.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
excited and announce that:
- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be: "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite
of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile,"
the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like
all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your
father.
If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that
there are significant differences between these two products, both
companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable
athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the
fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the
critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this
factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters
getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator
contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster
who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his
peers to be the world's biggest dip.
And so on. On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke
fun at the product as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign
it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty
good. ** If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan
such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would
quit my job to work for his campaign. **
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all
of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take
command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 09:11:51 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Animal Group Terminology
Someday you'll need this information. Maybe not today, maybe not
tomorrow, but some day...
Ambush_of_Tigers
Army_of_Caterpillars
Array_of_Hedgehogs
Bale_of_Turtles
Band_of_Gorillas
Band_of_Jays
Battery_of_Barracuda
Bed_of_Clams
Bed_of_Mussels
Bed_of_Oysters
Bevy_of_Otters
Blessing_of_Unicorns
Bouguet_of_Pheasants
Brace_of_Ducks
Brace_of_Greyhounds
Brood_of_Chickens
Brood_of_Hens
Business_of_Ferrets
Caravan_of_Camels
Cast_of_Falcons
Cast_of_Hawks
Cete_of_Badgers
Charm_of_Finches
Cloud_of_Gnats
Cloud_of_Grasshoppers
Clutter_of_Cats
Cluster_of_Spiders
Colony_of_Ants
Colony_of_Beavers
Colony_of_Frogs
Colony_of_Gulls
Colony_of_Rats
Company_of_Parrots
Convocation_of_Eagles
Corps_of_Giraffes
Covey_of_Partridges
Covey_of_Quail
Crash_of_Rhinoceros
Cry_of_Hounds
Den_of_Snakes
Descent_of_Woodpeckers
Draught_of_Fish
Drey_of_Squirrels
Drift_of_Hogs
Drove_of_Cattle
Drove_of_Donkeys
Drove_of_Sheep
Dule_of_Doves
Exaltation_of_Larks
Fall_of_Woodcocks
Family_of_Sardines
Farrow_of_Piglets
Fleet_of_Bass
Flight_of_Pigeons
Flight_of_Swallows
Flink_of_Cows
Flock_of_Lice
Flock_of_Ostrich
Flurry_of_Flamingos
Gaggle_of_Geese
Gam_of_Porpoises
Gang_of_Elks
Grist_of_Bees
Herd_of_Bison
Herd_of_Buffalo
Herd_of_Elephants
Herd_of_Hippopotamuses
Herd_of_Walrus
Herd_of_Zebra
Host_of_Sparrows
Hover_of_Trout
Husk_of_Hares
Kindle_of_Kittens
Knot_of_Toads
Leap_of_Leopards
Leash_of_Deer
Litter_of_Pigs
Litter_of_Pups
Mess_of_Officers
Mob_of_Kangaroos
Mumble_of_Moles
Murder_of_Crows
Mustering_of_Storks
Nest_of_Mice
Nest_of_Rabbits
Nest_of_Vipers
Nursery_of_Raccoons
Ostentation_of_Peacocks
Pace_of_Asses
Pack_of_Dogs
Pladge_of_Wasps
Plague_of_Locusts
Pod_of_Dolphins
Pod_of_Seals
Pod_of_Whales
Pop_of_Weasels
Pride_of_Lions
Rout_of_Wolves
Rafter_of_Turkeys
Rake_of_Colts
Rookery_of_Penguins
Scraw_of_Flies
Seige_of_Cranes
Shrewdness_of_Apes
Skulk_of_Foxes
Sleuth_of_Bears
Smuck_of_Jellyfish
Singular_of_Boars
Sounder_of_Swine
Span_of_Mules
Stare_of_Owls
Steam_of_Minnows
String_of_Ponies
Sute_of_Bloodhounds
Swarm_of_Eels
Swarm_of_Insects
Team_of_Horses
Tiding_of_Magpies
Trip_of_Goats
Troop_of_Antelope
Troop_of_Baboons
Troop_of_Monkeys
Troubling_of_Goldfish
Unkindness_of_Ravens
Volery_of_Birds
Watch_of_Nightingales
Wedge_of_Swans
Yoke_of_Oxen
Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 09:55:19 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Y0K safe
Translated from latin scroll dated 2BC
Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD
is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't
know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been
working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards.
You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left
it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't
done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he
could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply
said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual
charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to
throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet
another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all
usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take
out loans. Its an ill wind ......
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been
working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all
over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the
turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run
backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.
Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem.
I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.
If you have any ideas please let me know,
Plutonius
Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 13:08:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: WBAM - this is fucking funny
I don't know if this is true, or urban legend... but is funny...
------------------
Radio Contest Winner
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes,
usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at
work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.
If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from
couple to couple and they are asked for their significant others name and
work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they
are winners.
This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are married? or what? Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only
please Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that
if there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...
DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with
us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred
times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get
his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(Advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones *ringing*)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a
couple of hours now.
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows
not to give away any answers or you lose. Soooooooo! Do you know the
rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you to
answer what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida
at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and
tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT Orlando
Magic, they are on strike Sara "helloooooo"anyone home?!?!
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
Brian: (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12,15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmmm. Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure
she is trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do
it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, It's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't...
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord,..I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass. (long pause)
DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and
these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando,
Florida.
Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 10:47:57 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: parrot joke....
There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act
aboard a cruise ship. He had been there for several years, and since the
crowd was in continual change, he did the same act over and over. He
enjoyed the good life in this sinecure, spending most his time out on the
Promenade Deck working on his tan, not new tricks.
One day the Captain bought a parrot, and over the months brought the
parrot with him to see the nightly magic show. Being a smart parrot, the
bird learned all the tricks as to where the cards, flower, etc. were
hidden by the magician in his act. The bird would say, "the card is up
his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his
shoe..." Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to
his magic tricks, the magician was *forced* to continually learn new
ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping
his "sun time." To put it mildly he HATED THE DARN PARROT, but since it
was the Captain's he couldn't just weigh the bird down and deep six it.
Late one night the engine room exploded and the ship sank within
minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber,
floating in the water at 0200 dark in the morning. Alas, he was the only
one left alive!
As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around what should be
sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log - his arch nemesis,
the Parrot! They glared at each other and said nothing.
This went on for three days and neither said a word, just glared. On the
Fourth Day the Parrot finally broke the silence and said, "OK! I give up
- what did you do with the ship!"
Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 11:18:53 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: sums it all up...
A girl from Texas and two girls from New York were seated side by side
on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So,
where y'all from?" One New York girl said, "From a place where we know
better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from
Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all
from, bitch?"
Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 11:24:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Baby Boomers' Woes
BABY BOOMERS' WOES:
Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer
Then: Paar
Now: AARP
Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine
Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone
Then: Keg
Now: EKG
Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your folks.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your grandkids.
Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid
Then: Obsessing over your PSAT scores
Now: Obsessing over your PSA scores
Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing pot
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying president
Now: Fighting to keep the lying president
Then: President Johnson
Now: The president's johnson
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint
Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 10:46:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: eye-catching folks...
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put
his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his
hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman
looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm
about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the
evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous
evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you
meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 10:58:12 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: yet another one...
OK, we've had commentaries on he Y2K bug and the Y0K bug; now, the Y1K...
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as
the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K
Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.
Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western
Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could
collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the
problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one
anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would
throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in
which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and
incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to
accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with
three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using
carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted
to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of
every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to
coronations, may be called into question.
"We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael's
Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that 'THOUSAND'
contains the word 'THOU,' which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of
course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will
seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of
course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The
Latin word about time or distance!"
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional
pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on
tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable
ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval
economy into chaos.
A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the
entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of
personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are
stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 11:33:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: I LOVE MY WIFE BUT......
NB: NONE of these are about my wife. Nope. Uh-uh. I wanna live...
However, some of them are funny... and a woman sent this to me...
-------------------
.....she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television
screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild,
the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
* Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
....she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast.
Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast,
let alone what she'd have?
* Ted, Wexford, Pa.
..... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts.
When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals
my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm
tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
* Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
..... she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If
it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex"
on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list or it doesn't get done.
* Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.
..... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no
rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake
cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or
to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
* Jim, Minneapolis
.....you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
* Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
..... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she
asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork
chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
* Miles, Shreveport, La.
..... every so often boom: she's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead.
Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
* Cary, Seattle
..... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says
she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the
hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
* Terence, Gary, Ind.
..... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know
she's a natural blonde.
* Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
..... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
* Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
..... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over
her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep
at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
* Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
..... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed.
If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
* Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
..... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left
off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh,
yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up
her dry cleaning ..."
* Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
..... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team,
her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a
cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me.
* Neil, Orlando, Fla.
..... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I
slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me
half to death.
* Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
..... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in
tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's
having a fictional affair.
* Archie, St. Louis
..... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're
crowded and plebian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other
than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
* Conrad, Wilmington, Del.
..... it annoys her that our children look like me.
* James, New Orleans
.....counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's
always got PMS.
* Everett, Little Rock, Ark.
..... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't
have time to notice her.
* Bob, Charleston, W.Va.
Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 11:12:08 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: sysadmin song
[To the tune of Monty Python's Lumberjack Song]
I never really wanted to be a scientist.
I wanted to be...a...A SYSADMIN!
[system engineer choir and shift supervisor enter, music strikes up]
Oh, I'm a sysadmin and I'm OK,
I grep all night and I chown all day.
[choir] He's a sysadmin and he's OK,
He greps all night and he chowns all day.
I ping the nodes, I do PM, I awk and perl and sed.
I've got a Star Wars lunchbox, and Tron sheets on my bed!
[choir] He pings the nodes, he does PM, he awks and perls and seds.
He's got a Star Wars lunchbox, and Tron sheets on his bed!
[repeat chorus]
I ping the nodes, I change the rates, I fork the processes.
I wish that all my lusers would catch some rare disease!
[choir, growing slightly uncomfortable]
He pings the nodes, he changes rates, He forks the processes.
He wishes all his lusers would catch some rare disease!
[choir brightens as they repeat chorus]
I ping the nodes, I lock the /home partition and umount.
I post .gifs of my boss's daughter from his account!
[choir, very uncomfortable and trailing off]
He pings the nodes, he locks the /home partition and umounts...??
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 12:04:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Surgeon's Survey...
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and their head and butt are interchangeable, too."
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 10:54:15 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: things change...
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied,
"Bud."
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 11:43:19 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Nursing home
As a note, even I hesitated to send this one out... but it is funny...
------
Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying
on a love affair. They were both 96 years old and wheelchair bound.
Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold
Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much,
but it was all they had.
One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights
either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling
about the grounds. She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past
couple of nights?"
He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman."
"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old."
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's disease."
Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 11:44:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever...
Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever...
from USA TODAY/Monday, February 8, 1999; A&E:
Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of
the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN "I'm inconsolable at the present
time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest
basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his likes
again".
When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died
and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a
state of "confusion".
Date: Thu, 25 Feb 1999 11:18:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Lusers...
OPTIONAL ACCESSORY II: "Normally accidents like this shouldn't happen,"
reasoned a Caputh, Germany, police spokesman. A motorist following
driving instructions on the satellite navigation computer in his BMW
drove down a ferry ramp into the Havel River, he said, without
realizing the only way he could cross the river was to wait for the
ferry. The 57-year-old driver was not injured. "This sort of thing can
happen when people rely too much on technology," the police spokesman
said. (Reuters) ...Leading to a required label, "Warning: User still
must watch out window when driving."
Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 10:52:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: job classifications...
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The
first one says, " You know, my son, he graduated fist in his class from
Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class
from Harvard. he's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and
he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well is school.
He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a
year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "He fixes games... you know, hockey games,
football games, baseball games...."
Thanks for looking!
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