Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 11:06:07 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  The Nomenclature Crisis

  Soon, the Y2K hype will be a dim memory, and we'll need to focus on the 
problem that will present the real drain on American productivity in the 
coming century. I refer, of course, to the millions of man-hours that will
be wasted by members of the latest baby crop, condemned for life to spell
out loud their creatively-altered names:

  "Yes, this is Dacotah Veeblefetzer. Would I spell it for you? Certainly:
D-A-C-O ..."

  A coworker recently showed me the program from her daughter's 
"Nutcracker" performance. Even in this tiny backwater village, there were
dozens of children saddled with oddly-spelled names by parents attempting
to substitute orthographic whimsy for imagination and taste.

  Haeli,  Kaylee, Kylie, and Kalia danced alongside Kelly, Kellie, and 
Kellan. Kelsey and Kelsie were there, too, mingling with a crowd of 
Chelseas.

  There were Brianna and Breanna; Krysten and Krystl; Brock and Brooke. We 
mustn't overlook Apryl and Avril, or Taylor and Tayler; nor mix up Lindsay
with Lindsey, nor Shaunda with Shanda.

  (One prays that little Shanda does not grow up to marry a man named 
Lear.)

  For the geographically inclined, there were cities like Savannah and 
Cheyenne, mountains like Whitney, rivers like Shannon. A French province 
took pride of place, though; with Brittany, Brittani, Brittney,  and 
Britni. (Do you think any _enfants_  in northern France answer to 
"Mynnysota" or "Mychygan?")

  And speaking of northern states, how come Dakota has turned into a kid's 
name, while Idaho has not? Oh, wait; I figured that one out.

  Some of the names conveyed a hint of menace. Perhaps Tysen's parents 
thought the E-for-O swap would prevent their pride and joy from modeling 
himself upon the carnivorous-boxer-turned-rapist. I'd recommend keeping 
him at a distance, just for safety; same with Nova, in case of a blowup.
Meanwhile, I'd urge Nash to take better care of his teeth. (Her teeth?)

  One-off concoctions include Anneli and Anika, Joelyn and Maren. And how 
IS one to pronounce "Ciara" and "Tazja?"

  Finally, someone should have told the parents of McKinzy, Micaela, and 
Malarie that it wasn't worth the effort.

  I'd worry more for the sanity of the nation, but the Preacher spake 
truly, "There is nothing new under the sun." While hunting for 
end-of-century trivia, I found that on January 6, 1900, our local paper 
reprinted this joke from the Chicago Post:

  "I wonder why she is so offended," he said.

  "It's because of the letter you sent her -- you addressed it to Miss 
Mary Smith."

  "Well, isn't that her name?"

  "It used to be, but now it's Mayrye Smith."

  At least in those days, parents left their offspring the option of 
mangling their own names.

Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 12:00:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  a Rosie view

  Recently Rosie O'Donnell suggested that they change the lyric, "I can
shoot a partridge with a single cartridge" in the revival of "Annie Get
Your Gun", to make it less violent.......True!

  This inspired writer Susan Brady Konig of the New York Times to suggest
even more politically correct changes in her article: "A Rosie View Of
Broadway Classics."

  WEST SIDE STORY: The Sharks and the Jets rumble. They're subsequently
arrested by Officer Krupke and sentenced to a low-security juvenile
rehabilitation facility, where they are all diagnosed with
attention-deficit disorder and put on Ritalin and Prozac.

  MY FAIR LADY: Professor Higgins attempts to transform street urchin
Eliza Doolittle into a society maiden. With the help of an ACLU lawyer,
Doolittle sues Higgins for violating her constitutional right to live on
the street.  Perplexed, Higgins sings the gender-neutral "Why Can't A
Person Be More Like A Person?"

  GYPSY: Mama Rose pushes her daughter Gypsy Rose Lee into vaudeville.
Gypsy grows up and becomes a burlesque stripper. Show ends abruptly,
shortly into the second act, as the mayor has shut down all the strip
clubs.  Gypsy takes a job as a clerk in the Disney store on 42nd Street.

  HARVEY: Everywhere he goes, Elwood C. Dobbs sees a giant, invisible
rabbit.  He undergoes therapy, is diagnosed with attention-deficit
disorder and is put on Ritalin and Prozac.

  THE KING AND I: The King of Siam is unhappy with the plummeting reading
scores of his many children since the arrival of Anna, teacher from the
West.  He tries to fire her. Unfortunately, a strong union protects her
and there's nothing he can do about it. She whistles a happy tune.

  PETER PAN: Never-never land is forced to admit Lost Girls as well as
Lost Boys. Tiger Lily sues the government to recover tribal lands and
opens a  casino. Mr. and Mrs. Darling are visited by Family Services after
leaving their children in the care of a dog.

  OLIVER! The conniving but lovable Fagin is arrested on several counts of
contributing to the delinquency of a minor. He agrees to a plea bargain
and,  with the help of a court-appointed therapist, is diagnosed with
attention-deficit disorder and put on Ritalin and Prozac.

And, of course:

  ANNIE GET YOUR GUN gets properly registered, after submitting to the
required background checks and mandatory five-day waiting period.

  
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 11:34:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  insurance

  Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new
recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a
100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather 
than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and
listened to Jones's sales pitch.

  Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed,
the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't
have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government
only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

  "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send
into battle first?"

Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2000 12:46:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  hair

  Guy goes to the doctor and says "Say, Doc, I know guys my age start to
get hair growing in their nose and ears and stuff, but look at this."
Whereupon he displays his penis, which is covered with hair. The doctor
says, "Gee never saw anything like that." "Am I in trouble?" asks the guy.
The doctor takes some samples and tells the guy to call him in a few days.
When the guy calls the doctor tells him not to worry but advises him to
"Wash your hands better after you put the Rogaine on you head."

Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2000 06:44:00 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  job opportunities

  A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.
One is a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous
blonde about the same age.

  The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or
you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to
try out first?"

  The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and
pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her
coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

  The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them
and rests his head at her feet.

  The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks,
"Can you top that?"

  The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 10:31:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  tell it to the judge

  A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a
minor traffic summons.  He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour
after endless hour for his case to be heard.

  When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the
judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the
afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

 "What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

 His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out
loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court!  That's why!"

 Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:  "That's
all right.  You don't have to pay now."

 The young man replied, "I know.  But I'm just seeing if I have enough for
two more words."

Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 10:21:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  dents

How to Fix Dents 

  A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail
storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it
full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. 
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at
least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was 
some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and
said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop
back out." 

  She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She drove
home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe
when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. 

  "What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that
she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. 

  "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of
my car," explained the first blonde. 

  "Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor. 

  "Why not?" asked the first blonde. 

  "Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2000 11:19:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  mail question

  After first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton informed this column this week 
that she "never received" a personal letter sent to her by Marisleysis 
Gonzalez, cousin to 6-year-old Cuban refugee Elian Gonzalez - begging her,
as a mother, to use her influence to help keep Elian in the United States
- Marc Bressler, postmaster of Stuart, Fla., wrote to us: "As a
postmaster, it is my duty to point out, however delicately, that the 'lost
in the mail' excuse is one of the most common prevarications used when 
someone doesn't want to own up to their own failure to respond or react to
a letter."

  Which, of course, begs the question - how much longer will he have his 
job?

Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 14:08:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  watch your watch

  A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to
be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave
it to the police.

  "For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was
positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that
I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."
 
  When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so
much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you
a bit extreme?"

  "What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone
three people. What did you do?"

  "I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it
was."

Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000 10:51:59 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  mixed messages

  A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

  Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This
goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door
and yells "You need more tail."

  The father yells back "Fuck You! I told you yesterday I needed more tail
and you told me to go fly a kite."

Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2000 09:48:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  more one-liners

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone
in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is
due.

6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 12:10:58 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  parental lectures

  A Father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the
bees. "I don't want to know!" the child cries, bursting into tears.

  Confused, the father asks his son what is wrong.

  "Oh, Dad," he sobs, "At age six, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven, I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.  Then, at age 8,
you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to
tell me now that grown-ups don't really f**k, I've got NOTHING left to
live for!"

Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 13:08:44 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  bras

  A man walks into the ladies department of a Macy's. He shyly walks up to
the woman behind the counter and says. "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife".

  "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

  "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

  "Look around," said the sales lady, as she shows a sea of bras in every
shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety,
there are really only four types of bras," continues the sales clerk.

  Confused, the man asks what are the types.

  The sales lady replies "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the
Presbyterian type, and the Jewish type. Which one do you need?"

  Still confused the man asks, "What is the difference between them?"

  The sales lady responds "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic
type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Jewish type
makes mountains out of mole hills."

Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2000 11:13:26 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  impressions

  Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. 

  They parked their truck at one end of the alley and worked their way to
the other end. At the last house an older woman was looking out her
kitchen window watching the two men as they checked her gas meter. 
 
  Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that
an older guy could outrun a younger one. 
  
  As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. 

  They stopped and asked her what was wrong. 
 
  Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard
as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"

Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000 11:13:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  little old lady

  A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

  She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded
biker with tatoos all over his arms answers the door.

  She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."

  The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You
have a bike?"

  The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there" and points to
a Harley parked in the driveway.

  The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

  The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a
day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

  The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by
the Fuzz?"

  The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but
I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2000 08:50:37 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  temptation

  Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their 
options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a 
homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of
you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men
left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge
himself in his vice. 

  While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, 
they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the
lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar,
where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass
on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. 

  His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously 
they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a 
cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked 
at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're
both dead." 

Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 12:02:34 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  sneaking a look

  Two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their
parents.  The Mother looks over at the Father with a wink and a nod toward
upstairs. The Mother turns back to the two boys and says, We're going
upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right
back, OK?"
  The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of
the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now and he gets up and
tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his Mom and
Dad's bedroom and shakes his head.
  Back downstairs he says to his little Brother, "Come with me." So the
two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns
to his younger brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is
the same woman who used to bust our butts for sucking our thumbs!"

Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2000 10:39:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  bumper sticker

  Bumper sticker observed in the parking lot of the Dominican Retreat
House in McLean:

"NIXON 2000: He's not as stiff as Al Gore."