January 2001...
Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2001 08:40:13 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Attainable Resolutions for the New Year
This year, I resolve to...
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest
ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or
rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable
yellow stains under the arms.
18. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
19. Not eat cloned meat.
20. Create loose ends.
21. Get more toys.
22. Get further in debt.
23. Break at least one traffic law.
24. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
25. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
26. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
27. Stay off the MIR space station.
28. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
29. Associate with even worse business clients.
30. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
31. Not take spaceship rides behind comets.
32. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison.
33. Wait around for opportunity.
34. Focus on the faults of others.
35. Mope about my faults.
36. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Date: Wed, 3 Jan 2001 09:30:15 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: better explanation...
Roy took his old duck to the vet, concerned because the duck wouldn't
eat. The vet explained to Roy that as ducks age their upper bills grow
down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick
up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the
lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are
located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck
takes a drink of water it'll drown."
Roy goes about his business and about a week later the vet runs into him
at the feed store. "Well, how is that duck of yours?" the vet inquires.
"He's dead." Declared Roy.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of
water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the vet.
"No," said Roy. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."
Date: Thu, 4 Jan 2001 07:47:59 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: sports quotes
some of these are new... :)
-----
A friend sent me a URL for this list of poorly phrased sports quotes.
As he put it:
Yogi Berra lives, whether he's dead yet or not . . . . .
To save time, here are the "great" sports quotes from the website.
Be warned that some of the humor is British....
FAMOUS SPORTING QUOTES
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago."
(David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race,
only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
(RTE's George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of
Butragueno during their World Cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville,1992.)
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but
you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team
some brains and some common sense." (Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades,
speaking in 1991.)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy:
"It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."
(John Arlott)
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of
play." (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they
equalized" (Ian McNail)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
identical." (Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg
Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious." (Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball." (John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again." (Terry Venables)
"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer
Festival." (Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all
over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat." (Ron Atkinson)
"It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up." Ian Wright
(commenting on his teammate's alcoholism)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox
of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."
(David Vine)
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at
1500 metres." (David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field." Metro Radio
"....and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
(Sue Barker)
"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of." (David Coleman)
Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
Chris Eubank: 'On what?'
'Sex is an anti-climax after that!' (Grand National winning jockey Mark
Fitzgerald)
'Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that.'
Desmond Lynam
'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.' (Ruud Gullit)
'Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Ron Atkinson)
'For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow
strip.' (John Motson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
even longer.' (David Acfield)
'What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in
football?' (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' (Mark Draper -
Aston Villa)
'There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing
his class.' (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
'And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny
Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's'. (David
Coleman at the start of Match of The Day)
'...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion'.
(John Arlott)
'These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them.' (Gary McCord on the
greens at Augusta)
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before
each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God,
what have I just said?' (US TV commentator)
Date: Fri, 5 Jan 2001 08:51:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Where were you in '52?
OFFICIAL BABY BOOMER EXAM:
1. "Kookie; Kookie. Lend me your ________________."
2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune
in; ________________."
3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the
grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably,
someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." What did
the Lone Ranger leave behind?_______________
4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and roll. One of the most
memorable folk songs included these lyrics: "When the rooster crows at the
break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason
I'm traveling on,____________________."
5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago
in 1968 achieved cult status and were known as the _______.
6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched
them on the ________________show.
7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning our
________________.
8. We all learned to read using the same books. We read about the
thrilling lives and adventures of Dick and Jane. What was the name of Dick
and Jane's dog?______
9. The cute, little car with the engine in the back and the trunk (what
there was of it) in the front, was called the VW. What other name(s) did
it go by? ___________ & ________________
10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the
________________and the ________________.
11. In the seventies, we called the drop-out nonconformists "hippies." But
in the early sixties, they were known as ________________.
12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always seemed to get the
short end of the stick in the television program, "The Life of Riley." At
the end of each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and
exclaim," What a ________________."
13. "Get your kicks, ________________."
14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed
________________."
15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a special
way: ________________.
16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."
17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller-the one that contained all the
"dirty" dialogue-was called _________.
18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk around with a calculator
strapped to their belt. But back in the sixties, members of the math club
used a _________.
19. In 1971, singer Don Maclean sang a song about "the day the music
died." This was a reference and tribute to ________________.
20. A well-known television commercial featured a driver who was
miraculously lifted through thin air and into the front seat of a
convertible. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz ________________."
21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we
"danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance
called the ________________.
22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best ________."
23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style of Jane Russell and
Marilyn Monroe gave way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by
British model ________________.
24. Sachmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this
great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ______.
25. On Jackie Gleason's variety show in the sixties, one of the most
popular segments was "Joe, the Bartender." Joe's regular visitor at the
bar was that slightly off-center, but lovable character,
________________. (The character's name, not the actor's.)
26. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians
did it; it was called_________.
27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________.
28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and sixties was a large
plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called the
_______________.
29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway
musical ________________.
30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton's hobo character (not the
hayseed; the hobo) was ______. Red ended his television show by saying,
"Good night, and ________________."
------
ANSWERS
1. "Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb." If you said "ears," you're in the
wrong millennium, pal; you've spent way too much time in Latin class.
2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune
in; drop out." Many people who proclaimed that 30 years ago today are Wall
Street bond traders and corporate lawyers.
3. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. Several of you said he
left behind his mask. Oh, no; even off the screen, Clayton Moore would not
be seen as the Lone Ranger without his mask!
4. "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and
I'll be gone. You're the reason I'm traveling on; Don't think twice, it's
all right."
5. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in
Chicago in 1968 were known as the Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says,
"They would like me to mention their names."
6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, watched them on
the Ed Sullivan Show.
7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning our draft
cards. If you said "bras," you've got the right spirit, but nobody ever
burned a bra while I was watching. The "bra burning" days came as a
byproduct of women's liberation movement which had nothing directly to do
with the Vietnam war.
8. Dick and Jane's dog was Spot. "See Spot run." Whatever happened to
them? Rumor has it they have been replaced in some school systems by
Heather Has Two Mommies."
9. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the Bug.
10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the Sharks and the
Jets. West Side Story.
11. In the early sixties, the drop-out, nonconformists were known as
beatniks. Maynard G. Krebs was the classic beatnik, except that he had no
rhythm, man; a beard, but no beat.
12. At the end of "The Life of Riley," Chester would turn to the camera
and exclaim, "What a revolting development this is."
13. "Get your kicks, on Route 66."
14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed
to protect the innocent."
15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a special
way: shaken, not stirred.
16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight."
17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller was called Tropic of Cancer. Today,
it would hardly rate a PG-13 rating.
18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used a slide rule.
19. "The day the music died" was a reference and tribute to Buddy Holly.
20. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat."
21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we
"danced" under a stick in a dance called the Limbo.
22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best.......chooo-c'late." In
the television commercial, "chocolate" was sung by a puppet-a
dog. (Remember his mouth flopping open and shut?)
23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style gave way to the
"trim" look, as first exemplified by British model Twiggy.
24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name
was Louis Armstrong.
25. Joe's regular visitor at the bar was Crazy Googenhiem.
26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit; it was called Sputnik.
27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? A Timex watch.
28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist was called the
hula-hoop.
29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway
musical "Hair."
30. Red Skelton's hobo character was Freddie the Free-loader. (Clem
Kaddiddlehopper was the "hay seed.") Red ended his television show by
saying, "Good night, and may God bless."
Date: Mon, 8 Jan 2001 07:46:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: thoughts
They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much
with so few words. Enjoy........
I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned....
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful
feelings in the world.
I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned....
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help
him in some other way.
I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a
friend to act goofy with.
I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to
understand.
I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I
was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.
I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned....
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated
and loved.
I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that
person continue to hurt you.
I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with
people smarter than I am.
I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling
their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before
she passed away.
I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he
may have to eat them.
I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned....
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his
little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness
and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is
requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2001 15:01:20 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Safety Brief
Men: Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
vehicle...especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia
comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart
only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his
wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the
lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people gawking near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On
regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at
her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2001 09:10:18 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: kid logic
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend
is a terrible thing to do!"
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."
The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should
have come to me."
The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much
better than yours."
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2001 07:40:19 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: A More Cheerful Note
The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following
were some of the winning entries:
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book
together just before vespers.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck there.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who
doesn't get it.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these, really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious
bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the Taxation Office, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2001 07:43:17 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Things to Say When You're Losing a Technical Argument
1.That won't scale.
2.That's been proven to be O(N^2) and we need a solution that's O(NlogN).
3.There are, of course, various export limitations on that technology.
4.The syntax is idiosyncratic.
5.Trying to build a team behind that technology would be a staffing
nightmare.
6.That can't be generalized to a cross-platform build.
7.Unfortunately, the license would contaminate our product.
8.If we go with that idea, we're going to have Don Marti camped out in the
front lobby with 300 angry software jihad supporters.
9.Our support infrastructure simply can't handle the volume that change
would involve.
10.I had one of the interns try that approach for another project, and it
scrambled the CEO's hard drive. So I think it's going to be a hard sell.
11.Yes, well, that's just not the way things work in the real world.
12.I like your idea. Why don't you write up a white paper and we'll review
it at the next staff meeting?
13.Unfortunately, we're an all-FORTH shop. Otherwise, it's a nice idea.
14.I think you need to stop taking this so personally. We need to think
about what's best for the project, not about our own little pet theories.
15.Oh, I played with that approach back as an undergrad. Got a D, too.
16.I was reading about that on BugTraq yesterday.
17.Yes, I believe that's the approach Windows NT is taking.
18.That's totally inefficient on modern hardware.
19.Well, yes, but it really reduces to the knapsack problem in that
case. Do you have some kind of heuristic, or are we dealing with an
NP-complete case?
20.Have you LOOKED at the number of I/O requests that will create?
21.We can't afford the transaction overhead.
22.Yeah, or we could all just plink away on Amigas or something.
23.What? I don't speak your crazy moon-language.
24.Hmm. Didn't they just go bankrupt? It's OK, I guess -- there's some
German company who's picked up the existing service contracts.
25.No, no, no. We're really working on an N-TIER architecture, here.
26.No, no, no. It's fairly important that the database be in THIRD NORMAL
FORM.
27.No, that would break object encapsulation.
28.I don't think that's altogether clear. Please write it up in UML for
me.
29.I think there's a problem with your drive geometry.
30.Can you generate some USE CASES that would justify the change?
31.How is that going to impact the schedule?
32.RAM is cheap and all, but...
33.It would probably be best if we deferred that until version 2.0.
34.I like it, but it is too point-oh for my tastes.
35.If you make this change, I will fork the code.
36.Yes, well, unfortunately the economy is going away from anything
remotely like that. Our investors would kill us.
37.Jakob Nielsen wrote an interesting hit piece on that.
38.Yes, yes, we've all read DJB's RFCs on the subject.
39.This is all covered in Knuth, and we don't have time to go over it
again.
40.This one is in the FAQ:
http://www.linuxmafia.com/~rick/faq/#your_dumb_technology
41.I don't have time for this extropian nonsense.
42.Well, I guess we could start the QA cycles again from square one. That
would require a press release, though.
43.You used to program in Pascal, didn't you?
44.Why don't we make a generalized solution including both options, and
let the administrator decide with a config-file setting?
45.You've obviously ignored the various namespace issues.
46.I don't think you're considering the performance trade-offs.
47.What kind of benchmarks have you been running?
48.Let's table this for now, and we'll talk about it one-on-one off-line.
49.This really doesn't jibe with our core competency.
50.This sort of thing should really be outsourced.
51.I remember that IBM had a project to do that back in the 70s.
52.Um, hello? We're using VON NEUMANN MACHINES HERE.
53.We need this to fit on a single floppy.
54.Yes, but can this be embedded in a toaster, for example?
55.We need something that my mom can use.
56.Users won't want to click through that many layers of hierarchy.
57.The packaging costs will be prohibitive.
58.OK, but what about internationalization?
59.Look, would you just get off your Be obsession for FIVE MINUTES and
talk serious design with us?
60.That's a good idea -- you should do that on your home page.
61.Yeah, Linuxcare tried that with the Sourceror project.
62.Ho, man! Are they still AROUND? That's so cool. I thought that whole
idea was discredited years ago.
63.What you're not seeing is the difference between an 'is-a' and a
'has-a' relationship.
64.There is no hope for the widow's son, Boaz.
65.Yes, but we're standardizing on XML.
66.That doesn't fit into the MVC model.
67.Well, that's great if you have an AI running the thing.
68.Well, they're going to do that with the next version of Perl, so we
should probably wait.
69.Well, they're going to do that with the next version of OS X, so we
should probably wait.
70.I heard that the only real application for that technology was child
pornography. How did you hear about it?
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2001 10:16:34 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: wait a minute...
At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new
husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they
should have separate bedrooms.
She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the
wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the
door she is expecting.
Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for
action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes
his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is
again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further
coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a
fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to
sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and
there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow
the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age
has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than
half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover
Morris."
Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001 09:48:11 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Provocation
George W. Bush was asked if he could sum up the significance of the Roe
vs. Wade decision. He said it was the most important decision George
Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware.
Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2001 12:53:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Today's Quote in the Post
QUOTE OF THE DAY
=========================
"Marcus got the shot every one of you guys have always wanted."
- COACH JEFF VAN GUNDY, after one of his own Knicks smashed into him while
trying to slug an opponent.
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 2001 08:53:59 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: be careful how you answer...
"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a
moment for which her parents had carefully prepared.
They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several
other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual
attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and
smiled contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" her father asked.
"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from
Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 2001 10:50:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: NY Times quote of the day
QUOTE OF THE DAY
=========================
"The only wind and temperature gauges up there's your hind end. But it's
pretty accurate."
- DEKE JOHNSON, who makes repairs at the top of the Empire State Building's
antenna.
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 06:23:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Air Traffic Control Humor
Here are a few little stories to show you that the stodgy air traffic
controllers and the flyers they serve can have a sense of humor:
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to
make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing
between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand
dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand
dollars worth!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
(As some of you may recall, there was a Southwest Airlines 737 that went off
the end of the runway on landing a year or two ago in Burbank, California.
Almost went right into a gas station across the street from the airport.
Seems another airline almost had the same problem in San Jose at one point
in the not too distant past. Maybe they need to start checking the brake
fluid on these things a little more often?)
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his approach
speed was just a little too fast--
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not
able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the
light to return to the airport.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock
and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock
and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
Delta 105: Long pause followed by a thick southern drawl, "Well, I've got
something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle
though."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Contact Departure on 124.7;
did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that
Fokker in sight!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
(This story probably took place sometime before the mid 80's to 90's. You'll
understand why when you get to the punchline.)
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get
there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
747 (call sign "Speed bird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt. Speed bird 206, clear of the
active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speed bird 206: "Stand by a moment ground. I'm looking up our gate location
now."
Ground: (With some arrogant impatience), "Speed bird 206, have you never
flown to Frankfurt before?!"
Speed bird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944... But in another type of
Boeing... I didn't stop."
(For those of you wondering - Boeing also built the famous B-17 "Flying
Fortress" bomber.)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich,
Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member.
This was the conversation I overheard (I don't recall call signs any
longer):
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost
the bloody war!"
Date: Tue, 23 Jan 2001 07:46:29 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Naval Lore
FYI... sent to me by a retired captain of the USNavy... so may be true.
-----
Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the
times required round iron cannonballs. The master wanted to store the
cannonballs such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not
roll around the gun deck.
The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the
cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had
four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels
would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs.
The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out
from under the weight of the higher levels.
To do this, they devised a small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one
rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was
used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the "brass monkey," but
would rust to an iron one. When temperature falls, brass contracts in size
faster than iron.
As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey
would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the
temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the
indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck.
Thus it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a
brass monkey."
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001 08:03:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: in honor of my wife
Early one morning
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently lowered the window
And crushed his fucking head.
I'm not a morning person.
Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2001 08:48:19 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: embarassing moments
LADY GOLFER
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." ~Colleen Collins, 31,
Ferndale, MI
NUTS ABOUT YOU
My sister and I were in the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked us if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your
nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day my sister has never let me
forget. ~Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
STRIP MALL
My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were
going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one
crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on
it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts and jumped off, pulling both my
shorts and my underwear to the floor. I ran out of there, much to the
delight of the appreciative onlookers. ~Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35,
Lathrop, CA
CURL UP AND DIE
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three children in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
~Melinda Lowe, 39, Sequin, TX
PAD, PLEASE!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He
was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as
best as I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He
came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. ~Kathy Newman,
46, Winston-Salem, NC
HO, HO, HO
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and
wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked
adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They turned out so
well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas
cards. Days later a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically
and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was
shocked to discover that, in addiction to my son, I had captured my
reflection in the mirror-wearing nothing but a camera! ~Name Withheld
**The following are the top 4 winners of the "Most Embarrassing Moments"
contest in "New Woman Magazine".**
NA-NA NA-NA NA-NAH!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that
if she did not start behaving "right now", that she would be punished. To my
horror, she looked me in the eye, and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing
Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I
mustered up the last of my courage and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the doors closed behind me were
screams of laughter. ~Amy Richardson, Stafford, VA
SURPRISE!
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents were out for the evening, so I decided to invite my girlfriend over
for a romantic evening alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard
the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give
her a piggy-back ride downstairs. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we
didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!"
My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents and all my friends were
standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my
family has planned a surprise party again. ~Tim Cahill, Poughkeepsie, New
York
One of the funniest "Most Embarrassing Moments" I've come across in a long
time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When
she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no
price on it. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and boomed for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX,
SUPER-SIZED." That was bad enough, but someone in the rear of the store
apparently misunderstood "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone,
a voice boomed back over the intercom, "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN
WITH YOUR THUMB, OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
MOM'S ADVICE
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to
find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he
had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told
him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask
her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
out. "I thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed. "I did," he
said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come
and pick me up from school."
Date: Mon, 29 Jan 2001 08:42:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: personalities
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso all die. Due to a
glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at
the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths
have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein.
Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea
the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false
pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard
and some chalk?"
Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and
chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his
special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You
really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his
credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and
chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's
scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls,
satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of
the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to
be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his
head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can
you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001 07:35:37 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Girl Talk
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. --Helen
Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows. --Janette Barber
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think
I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. --Jan
King
A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden
retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell
out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road
yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!" --Linda Ellerbee
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. --Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a
woman? It's plucking your brows. That's how I originally got pierced
ears. --Geri Jewell
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a
car. --Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends. --Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my
head on the top bunk bed until I faint. --Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies. --Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't.--Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. --Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the
windows. --Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought
half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. --Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart. --Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at
once. --Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning. --Catherine Aird
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years
before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME
slow! --Kathy Buckley
Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of
coffee. --Stephanie Piro
Behind every successful woman...... is a basket of dirty
laundry. --Sally Forth
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001 07:47:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Theological advice
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing,
he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was
so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a
priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to
do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the
beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in
the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind
will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a
page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be
your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his
wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his
wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an
envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a
donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Thanks for looking!
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