January 2002...
Date: Mon, 7 Jan 2002 11:30:04 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Define Entrepreneur...
A city boy, Morris, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad
news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and
made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Date: Tue, 8 Jan 2002 09:57:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only
one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
-- Wernher von Braun
Date: Wed, 9 Jan 2002 22:43:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: .sig OTD
No trees were killed in the sending of this message.
However, a great many instructions were executed.
Date: Thu, 10 Jan 2002 10:00:59 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: LOTR in 2 hrs (fwd)
> Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
Mike Sphar wrote:
>From an interview with Peter Jackson I read, he was *contractually
>obligated* to provide a 2 hour cut, but the PTB liked the 3 hour cut enough
>to let it stand.
That puts the fear of God in me: FotR in two hours. "Abridged"
is a weak word to describe that result. The three-hour version
is already sliced up, just what can you delete from /it/?
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
Frodo: Hi, Gandalf!
Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your ring.
Bilbo: Okay. Bye!
Gandalf: See you at the pub, Frodo.
Frodo: Doo-de-do.
Nazgul: Boo!
Frodo: Eeeek!
Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek!
Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek!
Sam: Ha ha, can't catch us now!
Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends!
Frodo: No time for you, weirdo.
Tom Bombadil: (disappears)
Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my
business cards and write "Bad", and I'm all set.
Gandalf: I never saw /that/ coming.
Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs
and war machinery which were in plain sight.
Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a
high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not
prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the
canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait.
Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile.
Pippin: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right?
Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right?
Strider: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs)
It's okay, I'll save you.
Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet?
Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm.
Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names-
Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too.
Strider: Go away, bad men!
Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered
by this one Ranger!
Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell!
Merry: That was easy.
Pippin: Don't knock it.
Sam: Elves are cool!
Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble.
Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here!
Legolas: Same for me!
Elrond: Right, all of you wankers leave now.
Gandalf: But I just got here.
Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason.
Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope.
Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee!
Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so-
[THUD]
Pippin: Where the hell did all this snow come from?
Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top?
Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines.
Strider: Let the dwarf have his way.
Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door.
Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside.
Boromir: What a bunch of dicks.
Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF]
Sam: Such magic.
Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here!
Gimli: Boo hoo.
Pippin: HEY MONSTERS, COME AND GET US!!
Gandalf: Twit.
Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea
how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines?
Boromir: (Slash)
Legolas: (Pfft)
Gimli: (Whack)
Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship.
Frodo: Ouch!
Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed!
Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick
while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh?
Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off.
Gandalf: We are so doomed.
Strider: Not if we run away! (does so)
Boromir: First good idea you've had. (follows)
hobbits: (already in the lead)
Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon!
Legolas: We don't have to . . .
Gimli: . . . we just have to outrun *you*.
Balrog: Your ass is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him)
Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen!
Frodo: I'm over it.
Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.
Legolas: Wondrous are these woods!
Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves.
Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate.
Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves.
Sam: You've got nothing better to do with your time?
Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror.
Frodo: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror
are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water.
Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be!
Frodo: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the ring.
Galadriel: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions.
Frodo: Great, I'm still stuck with it.
Celeborn: Check-out time!
Pippin: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down-
Gimli: Shut the hell up. Seven hours of that is enough.
Strider: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling.
Boromir: Give me the ring.
Frodo: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible,
it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches.
Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I'm just trying to save my kingdom!
Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head?
Ah, this will do nicely. (whack)
Frodo: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous
place in the world.
Sam: Works for me. (they leave)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Merry: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically)
Pippin: Christ, look at the *size* of these guys, we're dead meat.
Boromir: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and
we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . .
miles . . away . . guess we are pretty stuffed after all. (dies)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Legolas: Look at my form. Damn, I'm good.
Gimli: I'm environmentally friendly --- blood makes the grass grow.
Strider: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance in hell
I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact
opposite direction.
Legolas: Okay.
Gimli: Sure.
THE END
Yeah, that's about two hours.
ok
dpm
Date: Mon, 14 Jan 2002 17:31:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
-- Mark Twain
Date: Tue, 15 Jan 2002 13:03:14 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
-- Mahatma Ghandi
Date: Wed, 16 Jan 2002 14:55:54 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Air Traffic Control
Pilot error during taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.
Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, "US Air 2771,
where are you going?! I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you
turned right on "Delta". Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell
the difference between C's and D's but get it right!!"
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she growled, "God,
you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You
stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about a half-hour and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got
that, US Air 2771??"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate
ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA
was running high.
Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air
crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married
to you once?"
Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2002 17:06:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair -- It gives you something
to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."
Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2002 13:06:22 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: occupation
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did
for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said
her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up
and said, "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.
Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell
the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple
and asked for my phone number."
Date: Tue, 22 Jan 2002 11:55:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: anything but humor...
...but a quote I think fits today.
"The world has achieved brillance without conscience. Ours is a world of
nuclear giants and ethical infants."
--General Omar Bradley
Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2002 13:48:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: indeed...
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2002 10:12:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: The Rules of Life
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and
it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I
apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat
crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go!
You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year
from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a
bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was
right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when
you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Date: Fri, 25 Jan 2002 10:14:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one
by one,an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.
- Edmund Burke
Date: Mon, 28 Jan 2002 09:44:59 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: bad pun for the day
An American couple bought an old Irish castle.
She: "The first thing we'll want is central heating."
He: "I think not: We can't have archaic and heat it, too."
Date: Tue, 29 Jan 2002 09:47:04 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2002 08:58:57 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
-- Desiderius Erasmus
Date: Thu, 31 Jan 2002 10:19:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: gender bias in job selection
WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES
Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said Pabst beer is normal..
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...