January 2003...
Date: Mon, 6 Jan 2003 07:12:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
Welcome back!
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"To wait for someone else, or to expect someone else to make my life
richer, or fuller, or more satisfying, puts me in a constant state of
suspension; and I miss all those moments that pass. They never come back
to be experienced again."
-- Kathleen Tierney Crilly
Date: Tue, 7 Jan 2003 06:34:01 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: ummm... well...
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next
when his telephone rang.
"Hello! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Paddy down
in the Harp pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that
we are officially declaring war on you."
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself,
me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team
from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in
my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?", Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's old farm
tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
4,000 armoured personnel carriers. I've increased my army to 1.5 million
since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!", said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified
Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites, and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jezus, Mary and Joseph!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm intrigued," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a few pints, and
there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 06:22:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: touche!
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to
maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of
being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would
know that he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few words, stared at her
for a moment and just walked away.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of
Sarah's house............... AND he left it there all night.
Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2003 10:21:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: too true...
A young boy was out with his day in the park when he spotted a woman
about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a
large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.
"Dad! What's the woman doing to that baby?"the lad asked.
"Relax,son. She's just feeding him,"the father replied.
"Get outta here!"the boy,exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of
that!"
Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2003 07:24:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Coke...pepsi...
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often
respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr.
Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make
life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie
theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you
like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2003 06:37:04 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: The dead husband
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another
for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how
the other's husband was doing...
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage
for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the
middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2003 08:10:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive.
He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.
There is some good in the worst of us, and some evil in the best of us.
When we discover this, we are less prone to hate."
- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2003 07:10:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: URGENT special arrangement (from AHBOU)
Subject: URGENT special arrangement
From: Grimhelm Wormtongue
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien
FROM: GRIMHELM WORMTONGUE
DUNLAND
Dear sir and/or madame,
Salutations, I am GRIMHELM WORMTONGUE, The son of late Counsellor GrÌma
Wormtongue of the Kingdom of Rohan.
My father was Chief Counsellor [equivalent to Prime Minister] to late
lamented king ThÈoden of Rohan. In his position my father altogether
legally and correctly acquired significant assets throughout Rohan in
order to protect the Kingdom from enemy forces within and without.
In the course of lamentable events succeeding, my father was illegally
deprived of office and expelled from the Kingdom. Before this he had
with foresight already entirely legally deposited the sum of
M.500,000,000,000 in gold with the Bank of Gondor (Minas Tirith).
While in exile in the north he was assaulted and murdered by a band of
northern pigmies. His family was obliged to seek refuge in northern
Dunland among some of our sympathisers.
My father left to me all documents necessary to retrieve the sum of
gold aforesaid from the Bank of Gondor (Minas Tirith). However, in the
current political circumstances my solicitor believes it unwise for me
to attempt to make the trip from Dunland to Minas Tirith, and has
recommended that I seek a trustworthy foreign business partner into
whose account this money could be tranferred. This appears to be the
best option as we are unable to open an account in Dunland. Therefore
we are seeking your trustworthy assistance and coopoeration.
You will provide information about your account that will enable a
deposit to be made in your name. I will contact the Bank of Gondor
(Minas Tirith) and inform them that the money is to be placed into your
account. Upon completion of the transaction your share of the proceeds
will be 15% net following deduction of all transfer fees, that is M.
75,000,000,000. If the transaction goes well we also look forward to
maintaining you as a profitable business partner for future ventures.
It goes without saying that I can expect your complete confidence and
secrecy in keeping this matter under wraps prefatory to completion.
Please reach me at my email address: mbrandybuck@buckland.net
Thank you and ERU bless.
MR, GRIMHELM WORMTONGUE.
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2003 09:37:18 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: When I was a kid...
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with
walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through
year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to
their one - room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average
despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where
they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from
starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in
hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I
had it and how easy they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of , I
can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so fuckin' easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good
you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a
pen!-- and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it
in the fuckin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you
had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd
usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to
buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or jackoff to
the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog!
Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
and somebody else called they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was - it could be your boss, your mom, a collections
agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and
take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
"Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was
a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could
never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of
you, you were fucked!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20
channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
morning... ...D'ya hear what the fuck I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL
WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too
easy!
You're spoiled, I swear to God!
You guys wouldn't last FIVE minutes back in 1987!
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2003 07:30:48 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. But maybe that's what
sophisticated is -- being tired."
-- Rita Gain
Date: Tue, 21 Jan 2003 12:36:26 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the
inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery."
-- Churchill
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2003 15:44:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: The difference between...
The Difference Between The Liberal and Conservative "Debate":
Over The War: An Analogy...hehehe Question: You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a
dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is
running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and
you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you
do?
___________________________________________________
Liberal Answers:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man
look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring
him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think?
What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and
knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this
situation?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely
want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some
friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
Conservative Answer: BANG!
Texan's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids
think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2003 23:37:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Join The Army
Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are too. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the ARMY
beats working for old man Minch by a country mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I
was shore 'nuf restless at first becuz you got to stay in bed till nearly
6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you
do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to start.
Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it ain't so bad, they git warm
water n' everthin'.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
n' stuff, but kind of weak on chops, taters, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
pie and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit
between two city fellers that live on coffee. Their food plus yers holds
ya till noon, when y'all get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys
cain't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks
to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to the mailbox at home. Then the city
fellers gits sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is
nice, but awful flat. Ain't got no hills fer miles 'round. Sarge (that's
what the fellers call him) is like a school teacher. He nags some. The
Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around &
frown. They don't bother you none.
Only been in one fight so far. Some big feller said I looked awful good
in the shower. I didn't like him lookin' at me like that, so I flat decked
him with one punch. He shore hit the ground hard. He and the other guys
couldn't believe a 120 pounder could drop a 200 pound guy. They been
givin' me some space since then!
This next one will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk and don't move a'tall. It ain't shooting at you neither, like
them Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
and drill it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Can ya believe it? Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before
them other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
PS Speaking of shootin', enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's
teeth. Them city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 2003 11:03:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Evil?
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier
noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so
I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2003 07:24:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
try to be a fraud and a half."
-- Otto von Bismark
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2003 08:09:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: a thought
Jill goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the
paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint
splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has
drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Jill walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your
paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 2003 09:24:42 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Better is the enemy of good."
-- Voltaire (1694-1778)
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