Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 11:43:59 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  whither now? The yearly question.

  A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane. A while later
the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard
that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passengers."

  Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

  "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

  "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. "A deer, a cow, and a horse all eat grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while the cow turns
out a flat patty,and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

  Why do you suppose that is?"

  "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

  "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 15:19:22 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  go figure

Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of
Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-
    way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
    saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could
    no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being
    passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic
    light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Date: Wed, 14 Jan 2004 09:46:08 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."
-- George Chapman

Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2004 11:55:57 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD, looking forward to spring

"There is indeed something inexpressibly pleasing in the renovation of the
world, and the new display of the treasures of nature."
-- Samuel Johnson

Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 11:57:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  timely observation

"Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin
when you get what you want."

Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2004 09:04:07 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: love does
not lie in the ear."
-- Walpole

Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 09:43:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  solutions

  Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get
to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my
shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs and get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and
yells at me for staying out so late!"

  His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt
and say, 'You as horny as I am?' ... and she always acts like she's sound
asleep!"

Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2004 08:46:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD 

"When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public
property."
-- Thomas Jefferson

Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2004 17:14:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd
better take one along that worked."
-- Raymond Chandler

Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 08:16:00 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD 

"Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not
have chosen a suit by it."
-- Maurice Chevalier

Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 09:07:08 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  cause and effect

  It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a
Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When
he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be
like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect firewood to be prepared.

  But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
picked up the phone, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is
the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going
to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So
the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.

  A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at
National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold
winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

  Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

  "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

  "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

  The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy."

Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 09:10:44 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  ummm...

  I have some neighbors that are lesbians and they have a child.

  It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian couples
that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting
another when he says "My Mom can lick your Mom any time."