Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2005 08:31:36 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  thought for the day

  "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of 
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to 
skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body 
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2005 23:54:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 
that a belch is more satisfying." 
-- Ingmar Bergman 

Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2005 09:09:37 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The kind of woman you can pick up at a race track you can just as easily 
pick up at the Waffle House." 
-- The National Lawnmower Driving Champion 

Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2005 09:46:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  thought for you

  "We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled 
with books in many different languages. The child knows someone must have 
written those books. It does not know how. It does not understand the 
languages in which they are written. The child dimly suspects a mysterious 
order in the arrangement of the books but doesn't know what it is." 
-- Albert Einstein, asked if he understood the universe

Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2005 08:38:24 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to 
examine the laws of heat." 
-- Christopher Morley

Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2005 08:30:32 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with 
reality at any point." 
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 08:14:47 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Doing it at her place...

  Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try 
his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his 
surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if 
he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back 
to her place.

  Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches 
for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at 
hand.

  "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

  Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches 
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the 
guy begins to worry.

  "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

  "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

  "Your boyfriend then."

  "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

  "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow.

  Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face 
and replies, "That's me before the operation."

Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 08:58:17 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  a thought

High Flight 
by John Gillespie Magee, Jr.

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds...and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of...wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up, the long, delirious burning blue
I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, nor even eagle flew.
And while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 08:20:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease to stifle our sighs and 
begin to stifle our yawns." 
-- Helen Rowland 

Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2005 08:30:15 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call 
what he writes fiction."
-- William Faulkner

Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 13:25:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget."  
-- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the Royal Family

Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 12:35:12 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Boudreaux

  Three friends from de local Cajun congregation of Thibodeaux, Louisiana, 
were asked, "When you in you casket, and you friends and church members 
are mournin ova you, what would you like dem to say about you?"

  Fontenot said: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a 
fine Rotary Club man, and a terrific family man."

  Doiron commented: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, a 
faithful servant of da church, someone who made a huge difference in 
people's lives."

  Boudreaux said, "I'd like dem to say, 'Look, he's movin!' "

Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 08:06:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive 
and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing 
rabbits singing about toilet paper."
-- Rod Serling

Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 08:09:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  a good definition...

  The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse:

  You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit 
Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges 
and politicians... it creates a hostile work environment. 

Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 07:27:14 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what one is talking 
about nor whether what is said is true." 
-- Russell 

Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2005 08:55:58 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Why go to work naked

11 Reasons to go to Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to 
your exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

11. No one ever steals your chair.

Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 09:11:01 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  self evident, neh?

"The Post: Why do you think [Osama] bin Laden has not been caught?

"THE PRESIDENT: Because he's hiding."

-----

(editorial whimper)

Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2005 08:25:16 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  today's trivia

TODAY'S TRIVIA: Rep. Gary L. Ackerman, D-N.Y., lives on a houseboat on the      
Potomac called the Unsinkable II. He says the original Unsinkable sank.         
(SOURCE: CQ Politics in America 2004)         

Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 10:14:22 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  tagline for the day

Vegetarian -- n., Old indian word for "bad hunter"

Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 07:33:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  redneck joke

  A guy walked into a bar in a redneck town and orders a mudslide. The 
bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?"

  "No", replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

  The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in 
Pennsylvania?"

  "I'm a taxidermist", said the man.

  The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is 
a tax-e-derm-ist?"

  The man says, "I mount animals".

  The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar.... "It's okay 
boys, he's one of us!"

Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 08:18:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you 
have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice." 
-- Otto Von Bismarck