January 1998...
Date: Mon, 12 Jan 1998 09:54:03 -0500
Subject: New Year's Resolutions - 1998
I have to admit, I have heard worse lists... :)
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New Year's Resolutions - 1998
New Year's Resolution #1
Try to avoid transmission of inter-species diseases
New Year's Resolution #2
Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet (especially when they
are less than 1000 feet above the ground)
New Year's Resolution #3
Stay off the Mir space station
New Year's Resolution #4
Don't eat cloned meat
New Year's Resolution #5
Try not to have seven children at once
New Year's Resolution #6
Avoid drunk limo drivers on anti-depressants
New Year's Resolution #7
Don't give real name when making campaign bribes
New Year's Resolution #8
Don't take a car all the way to Mars without remembering the spare
battery.
New Year's Resolution #9
Don't get so drunk that you think cutting your penis off and blaming it
on your girlfriend is a really neat idea.
New Year's Resolution #10
No more spaceship rides behind comets, even if the lemonade is free.
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 1998 09:22:32 -0500
Subject: Unnatural Laws
Enjoy! I can vouch, through empirical usage, for some of these... :)
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Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation - The less important you are to
the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom - The pay raise is just large enough to increase your
taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance - Insurance covers everything except what
happens.
First Law of Living - As soon as you're doing what you wanted to be
doing, you want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries - There are no answers, only
cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness - Any food that starts out hard will
soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Kenny's Law of Auto Repair - The part requiring the most consistent
repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
Second Law of Business Meetings - If there are two possible ways to
spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If
there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
The Grocery Bag Law - The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home
from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Firmage's Law of Family Planning - The next pregnancy comes nine
months after the last cloth diaper is thrown away.
Yeager's Law - Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary - All breakdowns occur on the plumbers' day off.
Lampner's Law of Employment - When leaving work late, you will go
unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the
parking lot.
Quile's Consultation Law - The job that pays the most will be offered
when there is no time to deliver the services.
Loftus's Law - Some people manage by the book, even though they don't
know who wrote the book or even what book.
Van Gogh's Law - Whatever plan one makes, there is a hidden difficulty
somewhere.
Flugg's Law - When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the
world is composed of aluminum and vinyl.
Troutman's Fifth Programming Postulate - If the input editor has been
designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a
method to get bad data past it.
Lerman's Law of Technology - Any technical problem can be overcome
given enough time and money. Corollary - You are never given enough
time or money.
Murphy's First Law for Wives - If you ask your husband to pick up five
items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will
forget two of the first five.
Lovka's Advice - Never rely on a person who uses "party" as a verb.
Law of the Search - The first place to look for any thing is the last
place you would expect to find it.
First Law of Final Exams - Pocket calculator batteries that have
lasted all semester will fail during the math final. Corollary - If you
bring extra batteries, they will be defective.
Lovka's Dilemma - You never get away, you only get someplace else.
Date: Wed, 14 Jan 1998 09:48:44 -0500
(this was a repeat of an old classic)
Date: Thu, 15 Jan 1998 14:02:23 -0500
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Saving the Best for Last]
Cruder than we usually go, but funny nonetheless...
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A couple is about to be married. The groom is walking down the aisle
of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices
that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. the best
man says "hey man , I know you are happy to be getting married, but
what's up - you look so excited."
The groom replies "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my
entire life."
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the
biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and
says "hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but
what's up - you look so excited."
The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire
life."
Date: Fri, 16 Jan 1998 09:46:44 -0500
Subject: Toddler Property Laws
"Toddler Property Laws"
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If I. . .Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler
Property Laws, I've been typing Bill Gates' primary Business Plan.
Date: Mon, 19 Jan 1998 10:26:33 -0500
Subject: A solution, finally
A man is walking through Chinatown in San Fransisco and happens along
an antique shop. He goes in and after some time finds this wonderful
brass rat. He asks the owner how much. The owner replies" Asso, you have
discerning eye. Brass Rat $25; story behind Brass Rat $1,000.
The man tells the shop owner that he's not interested in the story,
pays $25 and takes the rat.
As he's walking down the street he passes a sewer and a rat comes out
and starts following him. As he proceeds, more and more rats start
following, The man starts to run and by this time there are thousands of
rats following him. He gets down to the waterfront and jumps up on a
light pole.
He's not sure what to do. Finally, he throws the rat into the bay and
to his amazement all of the rats follow to their death.
The man traces his steps back to the shop. When he goes in the old
shop-owner says "Asso, you come back for story?" The man replies "No,
actually I came to see if you have any brass Suits!"
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 1998 11:01:18 -0500
Subject: Have you ever wondered?
>From XXXXX... I really enjoyed the ending...
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The Origin of Pets
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
every day. Now, I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is
difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No
problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever
and who will be a reflection of my love for you. so that you will know I
love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and
childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as
you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his
tail.
And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in
the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a
name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal
to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of
my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to
the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts
and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog
has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him
humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion
who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The
companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is
not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And cat would not
obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into cat's eyes, he was reminded that he
was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And cat did not care one way or the other.
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 1998 09:59:18 -0500
Subject: hmmm... think about it...
a new .sig that appeared in a note to one of my friends...
-=- FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE -=- FROM: THE TREES -=-
StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.
TheRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS."
Date: Fri, 23 Jan 1998 09:51:50 -0500
Subject: heretical humor
St. Peter's Vacation
It was time for St Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus
volunteered to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.
"It's no big deal," St Peter explained. "Just sit at the
registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life.
Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looked up to see a bewildered old man
standing in front of him. He asked the old man to tell him something
about himself.
"I'm a simple carpenter," said the old man. "And once I had a son.
He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in the
world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes
in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his
spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."
By this time, Jesus was standing with his arms outstretched. There
were tears in his eyes, as he embraced the old man. "Father," he cried.
"It's been so long."
The old man squinted, removed his glasses, stares blankly for a
moment while he wiped the glasses, returned the glasses to his head,
looked at Jesus again and said, "Pinocchio?"
Date: Mon, 26 Jan 1998 12:23:23 -0500
Subject: The Pill
This was sent to me by a lady... y'all can figure out which... :)
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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing
interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still
experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at
dinner.
So, that night at dinner, she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill
worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five
minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor,
grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the
table!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that
strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's
anyway."
Date: Tue, 27 Jan 1998 09:50:10 -0500
Subject: Heroism
We have been getting some odd donations to the list lately... :)
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Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from
the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them
into his office to explain.
"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said. "So the
regiment has decided give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of
measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which
measurement for you?"
"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"
"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?"
"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!"
The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740
pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?"
"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"
"Very well. Drop your trousers, then." The captain put his tape
measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where
are your balls, sergeant?"
"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 1998 10:02:14 -0500
Subject: A Parent's Dictonary
Everybody's sending me Clinton jokes, so I am sending this:
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A Parent's Dictionary:
AMNESIA:
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex
again.
DUMBWAITER:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING:
the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you
on the edge of financial disaster.
FULL NAME:
what you call your child when you are mad at him.
FEEDBACK:
the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained
carrots.
GRANDPARENTS:
the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're
sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE:
a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT:
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL:
when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
into it.
SHOW OFF:
a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE:
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your
last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK:
where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING:
when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar
grunting noises.
VERBAL:
able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT:
none of the kids that live in your house.
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 1998 11:19:09 -0500
Subject: tea kettle
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit
a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this
whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown,
ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."
Thanks for looking!
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