January 1999...
Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 10:58:29 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Alien Message Decoded
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization:
Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the
top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at
the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within
one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power
your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:40:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: An Escaped Convict
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young
wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey,
this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with him and do
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with
it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel
that way, because he just told me he thinks you're really cute !"
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 09:25:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Tobacco Money
Tobacco Money
-------------
Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?
A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing
people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this
under the strict supervision of the federal government.
Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?
A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products,
the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most
directly affected.
Q: Lawyers?
A: Yes.
Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?
A: Of course.
Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?
A: By selling more tobacco products.
Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?
A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole
thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency task
force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to finance
the historic tobacco settlement.
Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it
doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?
A: Because people would smoke them anyway.
Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?
A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a
deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far far
worse.
Q: Failure to make large political donations??
A: Yes.
Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in
which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast
clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct
this under the historic tobacco settlement?
A: By mid 1999, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by
special Food and Drug Administration computers so that - to cite one
example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final
speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying
Squirrel.
Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?
A: The late Lucille Ball's.
Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who, despite
decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a single shred of
evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?
A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the
Whitewater investigation.
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1999 09:19:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Any American with cable could've told them that....
MOSCOW (AP) - A plan to educate a group of orangutans on the joys
of family life by watching TV backfired after the apes became more
interested in the tube than each other, The Moscow Times reported Tuesday.
The newspaper said keepers at the St. Petersburg Zoo rigged up a TV
outside the cage of orangutans Monika and Rabu to show them videos on
being good parents. They took the step after the apes had a baby, Ramon,
in November, but then started to neglect their offspring. Rabu, the male
orangutan, became so engrossed in watching TV that he started to ignore
his mate, Monika, who became upset over his neglect, the paper said.
"We'll reduce the time of TV watching in order to keep the family
together," zoo director Ivan Korneyev was quoted as saying.
Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1999 09:24:53 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Microsoft Certified Dominator Exam
MSCD Exam
(Microsoft Certified Dominator Exam)
Which is the most important?
A. Control
B. Power
C. Money
D. Respect
Which comes first?
A. Extend
B. Embrace
"Integrate" means:
A. Cannot be separated from
B. Adds features to
C. Bundle
D. Whatever the h*ll MS wants it to
Which is the most important for success?
A. Innovation
B. Hard work
C. Borrowing good ideas
D. Marketing
E. An army of programmers
Microsoft products are cheaper:
A. in the long run
B. in the short run
C. as long as the DOJ is watching
D. because there is no longer any competition to compare prices to.
When a competitor is failing, the best course of action is to:
A. Ignore them
B. Buy them out
C. Bash them until they are completely dead
D. Negotiate as much out of them as possible, then give a little help.
When you are unable to solve a customer's technical problem, the best
course of action is:
A. Tell them to reinstall everything
B. Tell them to reboot
C. Blame the problem on a Lotus application
D. Sell them an upgrade
The best way to squash Java is to:
A. Ignore it
B. Embrace and corrupt it
C. Badmouth it
D. Put it's best features into VB
The best way to distract the press from a competitor's new product is to:
A. Quickly put its features into your own product and say it always had them
B. Release the next version of Windows
C. Alter Windows API's to make it run slower
D. Wear a dress to the press conference
The best way to stop Linux's popularity is to:
A. Ignore it
B. Release an MS version with proprietary API's
C. Buy out Red Hat
D. Put it's best features into Windows
E. Claim it's best features are already in Windows
F. Buy up all the Linux books
The best way to take your mind off of pie-in-the-face is to:
A. joke about it
B. spend more time dominating
C. send out cronies to get even
D. crash Windows at a press-conference
The difference between beta software and the release version is:
A. only the word "beta"
B. the release version has cuter icons
C. the release version averages only 1 lock-up per day
D. no difference
Domination is fun because:
A. you control all those who called you a "geek" in high school
B. you no longer need social skills
C. better chicks
D. it is a basal reptilian emotion
Bill Gates is most like:
A. Thomas Edison
B. The Oil Barons
C. L. Ron Hubbard
D. Satan
E. God
F. The evil nerd who sat next to you in 7th grade
If a new product is not selling, you
A. Buy out the company that leads (FoxPro strategy)
B. Bundle it with Office (Access strategy)
C. Give it away for free (Browser strategy)
D. Reincarnate it somewhere else (Bob/paper-clip strategy)
E. Change the Windows API's to make competitor's product run slower
(Netscape server strategy)
F. Threaten to withhold advertising to magazines giving bad reviews (no
comment)
G. Buy out the magazines giving bad reviews
IBM's OS/2 lost the race because:
A. Windows was better
B. PC pre-load volume discounts
C. it was less compatible with DOS software
D. Lower hardware requirements
E. A secret bribe
Bill Gate's definition of a "vacation":
A. No new acquisitions for a week
B. No new markets to dominate
C. Using Linux on his desktop
D. No calls from the DOJ for a week
The best way to avoid antitrust lawsuits is to:
A. burn all memos and erase e-mail
B. deny all phone conversations about market threats
C. Slowly "integrate" everything into Windows at such a slow pace that
nobody notices
D. Keep Apple with enough market share to not qualify as a monopoly
E. Lobby congress
F. Breed Richard Nixon with IBM, and ask for advice
If it's not made by Microsoft, then:
A. it will be
B. it has not officially been invented yet
C. it must be reliable, yet cryptic
The only people who get rich from Microsoft besides Microsoft itself:
A. Hard-drive makers
B. Memory chip makers
C. Creator of "Dilbert" cartoon strip
D. NT systems administrators
E. Steve Jobs
F. Finger and hand doctors
G. Remote reboot device makers
H. Rolling Stones
I. All of the above
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1999 13:00:14 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Urban Legand Insanity
Stop Urban Legend Insanity
I know this guy who told me that his neighbor, a young man, was
home watching Tommy Hilfigger hurl racial insults at Blacks, Americans,
Europeans, and Asians while fistfighting a Hassidic Jew on The Jerry
Springer Show - as he was recovering from having been served a rat in
his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was
in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he
got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he
saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to
use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was
a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened
an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he
himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us
from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. And it's a little-known
fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the
computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie
recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true -- I read it
all last week in a mass e- mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also
promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward
the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911
from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the
coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which
was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one
where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish
is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer
Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I
sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the
shape of tweety-bird (if you get it and forward it to 20 people you will
have good luck but 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send
it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy had to drive himself to the hospital,
but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on.
To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as
part of a gang initiation.
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 09:45::14 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: sayings that should be on buttons
Sayings That Should Be On Buttons
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a fucking people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitta patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. God was my copilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat
him.
24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
25. And just how may we fuck you over today?
26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
46. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
53. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
55. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the
house?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
62. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
67. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
69. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the
earth.
71. Earth is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or mine?
73. Does this condom make me look fat?
74. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch
me?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
79. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
80. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
81. Meandering to a different drummer.
82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
83. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Date: Wed, 13 Jan 1999 10:28:47 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Ummm...Why?
Baby Boom
Monday Reuters reports from Moscow that "a tipsy Russian priest
accidentally set off a hand grenade after a weekend christening..." The
explosion may have been unintentional, but it does leave some questions
unresolved. Like what was a priest doing liquored up and waving around a
hand grenade? The baby was unharmed in the "accident" but the priest and
the baby's grandmother suffered some injuries.
Date: Thu, 14 Jan 1999 10:05:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: making cupcakes
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day
and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says
"Mommie what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies
"Ummm they are making cupcakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies
having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother
replies with the same response, "Making cupcakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mommie, you and daddy were
making cupcakes last night". The mother asks, "How do you know?" She says,
"Because I licked the frosting off of the sofa".
Date: Fri, 15 Jan 1999 06:57:00 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Temperature Scale
Every year, this list gets a bit longer... so, in honor of the ice storm
from Hell outside (exploding transformers make such pretty lights in the
sky...):
...and yes, I added the line about British cars... :)
-------------
"Cold" is a relative term.
Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.
Degrees (Fahrenheit)
* 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
* 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
* 60 British cars don't start
* 50 Miami residents turn on the heat
* 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
* 40 You can see your breath
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Minnesotans go swimming
* 35 Italian cars don't start
* 32 Water freezes
* 30 You plan your vacation to Australia
* 25 Ohio water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Minnesotans eat ice cream
* Canadians go swimming
* 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* New York City water freezes
* Miami residents plan vacation further South
* 15 French cars don't start
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
* 5 American cars don't start
* 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
* -10 German cars don't start
* Eyes freeze shut when you blink
* -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
* Miami residents cease to exist
* -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
* Japanese cars don't start
* -25 Too cold to think
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* -30 You plan a two week hot bath
* Swedish cars don't start
* -40 Californians disappear
* Minnesotans button top button
* Canadians put on sweaters
* Your car helps you plan your trip South
* -50 Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* -80 Hell freezes over
* Polar bears move South
* Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
* -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1999 09:17:57 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: A small note...
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how
pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you
to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad
throughout the land. And with this in mind, I am please to inform you of
your Presidential Pardon, effective immediately.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you
for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the
mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.
Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy
and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster
Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 09:50:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: IOTW (Idiocy Of The Week)
Yesterday, while watching channel 5's 10 o'clock news coverage of the
Montgomery County power outages, the on-site newscaster spouted something
to the effect of:
'... and we just received a call from the local fire department reminding
us to inform everyone out there using candles and fires to light and heat
their homes that fire is very dangerous, and to be very careful...'
Now, if you're resourceful enough to salvage a TV connection during a
total power outage......
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 10:13:55 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: oil change
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year
old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The
nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do
you do it at your age?" He answered " You've got to keep that old motor
running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really
are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old
motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite
a man." He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The
nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 10:05:36 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: A little geekish humor
Sung to the tune of the Beatles song...
Yesterday
All those backups seemed a waste of pay
Now my server has gone away
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be
And the owners hanging over me
The system crashed so quickly
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say
Now all my data's gone
And I long for Yesterday
Yesterday,
The tape rotation seemed so far away
I knew my server was here to stay
Now I believe in yesterday...
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 10:28:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Bad taste
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 10:50:13 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: skin grafts
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to
donate some of his own skin. However, only skin on his body that the
doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked
more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful
beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you you for everything you did for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you. "My darling," he replied,
"Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need everytime I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek."
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 07:43:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: High Tech Jobs!
You Know You're a High-tech Worker If...
**************************************************************
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different
companies.
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the
Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
Communication is something your group is having problems with.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow,
thanks!"
All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
Everyone fights fires (i.e. problems).
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
Plants in your cube are healthier than your plants at home.
Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare
time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
10% of the people you work with - no one (boss included) knows what they
do.
Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every
January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" or
"does something with telephones"
Change is the norm.
Nepotism is encouraged.
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
You read this entire list and understood it.
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 10:13:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: another interesting trial
SFNN : Stardate 9812.19 -- Legendary Starfleet Captain James Tiberius Kirk
was remanded to a court-martial today by a narrow and partisan vote of
the Admiralty Board to face charges of lying to a board of inquiry in the
palimony case brought against him by Dr. Carol Marcus. While Kirk was
exonerated by the board, he now faces charges that he lied to that board
about an inappropriate relationship with Yeoman Janice Rand. Lieutenant
Areel Shaw of the Legal Affairs office of Starbase 12 (whose previous
prosecution of Kirk for the death of Lt. Commander Benjamin Finney was
unsuccessful) submitted charges based on 79 incidents to Commodore L.T.
Stone.
While public sentiment consistently runs about 2:1 in Kirk's
favor,downloads of the 79 approximately hour-long charges and supporting
recordings are very popular and are eclipsing entertainment programming in
some areas. The trial date has yet to be set. According to Commodore
Stone,"it is a sad, deliberate duty I have to court-martial this officer,
but the rule of law must be preserved. We cannot base our decisions in
this vital matter on public opinion."
Critics of the prosecution, including Kirk's lawyer Samuel
Cogley,claim that Kirk is the victim of a vast conspiracy bent on his
destruction. Kirk is the youngest officer given command of a capital ship
by Star Fleet but has a reputation both for playing fast and loose with
rules and for serial womanizing. Marcus's lawyers called no fewer than
twenty former Star Fleet employees who claimed that Kirk either had or
attempted to initiate a sexual relationship with them, including Dr. Janet
Wallace, Lt. Helen Johanson, and Dr. Janice Lester. Marcus's lawyers
allege that Kirk also engaged in inappropriate behavior with "countless"
non-Federation citizens who could not be brought to Starbase 12 because
their worlds were still protected by the Prime Directive.
Prosecutors say that Kirk's actions in crossing the neutral zone into
Romulan space will not delay their action on his current case, although at
least one flag officer questioned the appropriateness of military action at
a time when his command was subject to an impending vote on court-martial.
Noted Kirk opponent Federation Commissioner Ferris said "James T. Kirk is
risking the lives of our brave men and women in red to cover his repeated
failures to follow the prime directive and his serial fraternization with
women under his command. Rather than dragging Star Fleet through the mud
and disgracing it before the entire United Federation of Planets, Captain
Kirk should take the only honorable course open to him, he should resign
his commission immediately."
The most serious charges is that on or about Stardate 1672.1 in orbit
of Alpha 177, Captain Kirk breached Star Fleet Regulations against
fraternization with officers under his command by engaging in a consensual
sexual relationship with Yeoman Janice Rand. While one line of
investigation attempted to prove that Kirk had arranged a good assignment
for his former Yeoman to buy her silence after he broke off his
relationship with her, that effort has not led to any charges. Charges
stem from Rand's original statements to Star Fleet Security that the
Captain had assaulted her. Rand later recanted the charge, claiming that
Kirk told her that he had been split into "good" and "big creep" halves by
a transporter malfunction. Prosecutors believe that she was lying to cover
up an assault perpetrated while the lovers were quarreling over Kirk's
disposition of an underage federation citizen identified only as "Charlie
X" whom members of the Enterprise crew claim was romantically interested
in Rand.
Rand was called as a witness in the Marcus paternity suit in an
attempt to show that James Kirk had a pattern of serial fraternization with
subordinate coworkers. Rand claimed, under oath, that she and Kirk had
never had sex on the Enterprise. Following the revelation some weeks later
that Lt. Nyota Uhura, the communications officer of the Enterprise, had
taped many hours of private vidcalls in which the two spoke extensively
about Rand's involvement with the Captain. Special Prosecutor Shaw has
granted both Uhura and Rand immunity from prosecution in exchange for their
testimony. Sources close to the Kirk camp claim that Lt. Uhura was bitter
because she was in a dead end job which consisted mostly of opening hailing
frequencies and that she illegally recorded Rand.
Interplanetary reaction: Diplomats from the warring worlds of Eminiar
VII and Vendikar, visited by Kirk days before the charges were presented by
Shaw, welcomed his efforts to bring peace to the troubled region, as did
the Troyius ambassador Lord Petri. But Klingon representatives said his
actions in the Neutral Zone were reckless and could worsen the fragile
post-Organian peace between the two major superpowers.
If Kirk is successfully court-martialed on any of these charges,
command will devolve to his First Mate, Spock of Vulcan. Spock, the only
son of the Vulcan politician Sarek of Vulcan is known as a scrupulously
'clean' Star Fleet officer. Spock is known throughout Star Fleet for his
unemotional demeanor, described by some as "stiff". The Shaw
investigation looked into charges that Spock was illegally in contact with
Talos IV in violation General Order 7 but could find no admissible
evidence that he did so.
"It's just like these other charges," Cogley says, "all bluff,
innuendo, and circumstance. Why I saw just the other day a Kirk Death
List, purporting to show that knowing James Kirk was a good way to get
dead. It's all hogwash. The ones where there is even any evidence that
these people ever existed aren't connected to Kirk or are not in any way
suspicious."
Cogley, one of the finest lawyers in Federation Space, cultivates a
reputation for eccentricity, but has been instrumental in Kirk's previous
legal battles. "James Kirk is a remarkable man and an able Star Fleet
officer. His enemies, jealous of his youth, power, and ability, will stop
at nothing to bring him down. We cannot let the divisive politics of Star
Fleet destroy this fine career."
Others disagree. A classmate of Capt. Kirk's from his days at Star
Fleet Academy who asked not to be named claims that Kirk cheated on his
Kobayashi Maru exercise, but that it was hushed up to maintain the
integrity of the program. "I was amazed when I heard that he had been
assigned to the U.S.S. Farragut. It sure wasn't for his ability. Someone
was looking out for Jimmy Kirk."
Federation Undersecretary for Agricultural Affairs Nilz Barris
commenting from Space Station K-7 stated that Kirk cut corners and had an
undisciplined crew. Barris blames Kirk and the Enterprise for the
quadrotriticale disaster on Sherman's Planet and believes that Kirk's
culpability was suppressed by high-level intervention. Barris has been
calling for Kirk's court-martial or resignation since Stardate 4525.5
The pro-Kirk forces are as strongly opposed to the process as Ferris
and Shaw are for it. "This is a court-martial in search of a crime" stated
Commodore Robert April. "They've been after Kirk since he first got the
Enterprise. First they promised us that they had the goods on him over
General Order 7, then it was violations of the Prime Directive, then Kirk
supposedly covered up a murder committed by [Enterprise Chief Engineer Lt.
Commander Montgomery] Scott on Argelius II. None of it ever panned out and
now they want to hang him for lying about sex in a civilian trial? It just
goes to show that if you throw enough mud at someone, some of it will stick
to something, if only to itself."
Many Kirk detractors point to the infamous "red shirt count" document
(http://www.biap.com/rglover/Redshirtcount.html) as proof that Kirk must
have been involved in a serious cover-up of his illegal activities for
years. The list, which shows 61 crew deaths during Kirk's five year
mission, 14% of the crew complement of the Enterprise. Kirk was exonerated
in the single court martial trial he faced in this period over a crewman's
death.
Kirk's supporters scoff at this list, claiming that it has no merit
and that these men were killed because security is a dangerous job. They
point to the USS Yorktown, Intrepid, Excalibur, Defiant, and Constitution,
all of which did not return from their five year missions. Kirk's casualty
rate is actually remarkably low, they say, and is another reason that
opponents dislike him.
The exoneration in the Finney case has not satisfied Kirk's enemies.
Federation Commissioner Ferris, speaking before a joint session of the
Federation Commission late last week said "Serious questions remain
unanswered regarding Captain Kirk's involvement in the death of Lt.
Commander Gary Mitchell and the so-called suicide of Dr. Elizabeth Denher,
Enterprise crew involvement in the mysterious disappearance of Assistant
Federation Commissioner Nancy Hedford. It can't all be coincidence. Kirk
is the only living person who knows exactly what happened to 4000 colonists
on Tarsus IV who were killed by Kodos the executioner 20 years ago. Kirk
was involved in the death of half of the crew of the USS Farragut, over 200
men and officers, in the vicinity of
Tycho IV 11 years ago. Kirk's role in the death of Commodore Matthew
Decker and later in the death of his son Captain Willard Decker have never
been adequately explained. Yet time after time, Kirk and
his officers are cleared of all wrongdoing. Who is responsible? How can
this happen? These questions need answers."
The Enterprise security forces were amongst the highest casualty
areas;security officer Leslie was one of the survivors. "The Enterprise
security detail, where many men and women were in a position to know of any
improper activity by the Captain or the senior Officers, was devastated.
Twenty eight of my fellow security officers were killed while on active
duty, to one command line officer. The Enterprise wasn't a plum assignment
for security forces, it was a death sentence. And that isn't even counting
officers who died after leaving the service. What did my late companions
know or do to cause so many of them to die? While most serving officers
are afraid to say so, the entire security force despises Kirk and would
prefer that he were court-martialed"
Captain Kirk has issued two statements on the charges. His original
statement, made Stardate 9804.5, was that he and Yeoman Rand had never had
sexual relations while either was serving on the Enterprise.
Later,following the release of some of the 79 hours of video material that
Prosecutor Shaw presented to Star Fleet, Kirk said "Indeed I did have a
relationship with Yeoman Rand that was not appropriate. In fact, it was
wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure
on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible," he said, "I
made deliberately misleading statements out of shame and to protect the
honor of the lady in question. My actions do not constitute deliberate
lying,however, because technically, Yeoman Rand and I served 'in' the
Enterprise rather than 'on' the Enterprise. It all depends on what 'in' is"
This story copyright 9812.19 Star Fleet Network News (Michael Croft)
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 10:20:42 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: 19 Basic Rules for Driving in the DC/Metro Area
A long time ago, we published the driving rules for Indiana; so, now...
19 BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN THE DC/METRO AREA
1-- A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in
before hitting construction barrels.
2-- Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle
so never use them.
3-- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between
you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If
you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in
in even more dangerous situation.
4-- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance
you have of getting hit.
5-- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
(Remember no-fault insurance, he might not have much to lose, you do.)
6-- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that
your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot
massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
7-- Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after
you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.
8-- The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to
provide useful information, just to make DC look progressive.
9-- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a
good way to scare people entering the highway.
10-- Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make our nation's Capitol
look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only
as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
11-- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up
or move over doesn't mean that a Beltway driver flashing his high
beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12-- Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic in downtown DC.
13-- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting
breakdown victim get mugged, the proceeds of which are vested directly
into the Democratic frontrunner's campaign for mayor.
14-- Learn to swerve abruptly. The DC/Metro area is the home of the
high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, who put potholes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
15-- It is traditional in DC to honk your horn at cars that don't move
the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such
traditions.
16-- Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
17-- Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation.
18-- All unmarked exits lead to Southeast DC.
19-- Never yield right of way to drivers in traffic circles or you
will remain permanently parked at the edge of the circle.
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...