Date: Mon, 3 Jul 2000 06:55:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  quotable quote

Again, from the Keynoter:

Bumper sticker of the week

"If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people."
 

Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000 07:14:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  lawyer and blonde joke

  Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several 
months.  The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree,
which provided  them their food.  Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to
the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

  One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow!  I can't believe my
eyes!  I don't believe this is true!"

  The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're
hallucinating and you should come down right now."

  So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend
that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward
their island.  The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had
surely lost his mind.  But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a
naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

  The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know,
we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long
time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?"

  The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out
of what?"

Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 07:09:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  wait a second here...

Father Murphy had a meeting every Wednesday night with the lay leaders of
his church.  Up comes Elder Smith, walking. "Why you walking, Elder Smith
-- you usually ride your bike?"

  "Someone sole my bike, Reverend, and I think it was one of our flock."

  "What makes you say that?" asks the Reverend.

  "Well, not everyone knew where I kept my bike, around back in a little
corner".

  "Tell you what, Elder. I am preaching on the Ten Commandments this
Sunday. When I get to Thou Shall Not Steal, I'll lay it on real thick,
make a lot of eye contact, and I bet the guilty person will be replete
with rue and return your bike."

  Sure enough, next Wednesday, Elder Smith comes to the meeting riding his
bike.

  "Oh, ye of little faith!" exclaimed the Reverend. "I told you it would
work!"

  "Well, it did, Reverend. Not exactly the way you planned, but it did. I
was sitting off at an angle, where I could look at the congregation. And
when you got to Thou Shall Not Steal, you made a lot of eye contact. I was
looking for guilt.  Couldn't find any, though. I had about given up, when
you got to the part about Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, and I remembered
where I left my bike!"

Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 09:02:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  communication breakdown

  A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and 
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"  

  She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of
the property with a stream running by."

  "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" 

  "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

  "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"   

  "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."

  He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"  

  "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."

  "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"  

  "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions  is 'yes'."

  "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"   

  "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

  Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"   

  "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2000 09:40:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  children

  A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their
75th wedding anniversery. The old man leans forward and says softly to his
wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always
bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our
children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most
wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not
take that all that away. But.... I must know, did he have a different
father?"

  The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she
paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes.  Yes he did."

  The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting
hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks,
"Who?.. Who was he?  Who was the father?"

  Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried
to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she
says, "You."

Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 09:40:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Dennis Miller on MNF

       The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes 
                            (Part I)

14> "Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary -- the guy
     buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from
     the Russians."

13> "I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much
     since the battle of Verdun."

12> "The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center
     that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop."

11> "I've seen women pee standing up with better aim."

10> "Somebody call Janet Reno -- I think I just saw Donato
     dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!"

 9> "That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly
     decapitated Lyndon LaRouche."

 8> "I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson
     tried to recite the alphabet."

 7> "Hey, Cunningham -- Andy Warhol called.  You're at 14:55
     and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi."

 6> "He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie
     O'Donnell's house."

 5> "Hey Deion, Bubbelah -- maybe you'd better pay a little less
     attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that
     only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining
     1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after
     you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and
     weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for
     a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?"

 4> "When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire?  I mean, this
     guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb."

 3> "That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding
     tour of Cartagena."

 2> "Nervous?  He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle
     at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island."

            and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dennis Miller
                 Monday Night Football Quote...

 1> "Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering
     Vishnu's triplets!"

Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 07:27:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  medical techniques

  When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying
erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

  But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty
inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a
prominent urologist.
 
  After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple
that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective
surgery.
 
  "How long will Ralph be on crutches?", the wife asked anxiously.
 
  "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?", responded the surprised doctor.
 
  "Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's
legs, aren't you?"

Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2000 07:07:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Evil Overlord financial questions

[Question was: IRS requires you report illegal income on your taxes. Does
this violate your 5th Amendment right not to admit crimes?] 

  It wouldn't be if the reporting of it doesn't trigger any sort of police 
investigation. That is, if I report $35,000, and enumerated this simply as 
"illegal income," and the IRS held this confidential, then there would be 
no 5th Amendment violation because it would not constitute testimony 
against oneself. 

  If IRS comes snooping around, and their ONLY inquiry is whether you're 
paying the right amount of taxes, and they don't tell the Navy about your 
submarine-eating "tanker," or the county tax assessor about the secret 
underground headquarters, or the FBI about the stolen space 
shuttle... then in theory they haven't violated the Fifth Amendment. 

  "Okay, Mr. Blofeld, we're satisfied that James Bond destroyed your
stolen nuclear bomb. We'd like you to know that the IRS empathizes with
your loss. We can't agree with your valuation on the nuclear device, which
we place at only $2.4 million. However the point is moot since we'll allow
your full value for the yacht, and that with the bomb exceeds your illegal
gains, and you can't deduct illegal losses in excess of illegal gains. 

  "Oh, and Mr. Blofeld... I've audited a lot of businesses like yours, and
let me give you this advice: the next time you capture Mr. Bond, don't
tell him your plans. Just kill him." 

Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000 07:43:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  so says the Judge...

  A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand
in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. 

  He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She
responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

  The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across 
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
 
  She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a 
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has
been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a 
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone,
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
know him." 

  At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. 

  In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her 
if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2000 12:00:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Therefore, It Mustn't Exist

The U.S. Customs Service is in a bureaucratic quandary.

  It wants to close the aging Trail Creek border station in Montana
because the Canadians are closing their post on the north side of the
border. There's just one problem: There's no record that the station, one
of the state's oldest, ever opened.

Customs, therefore, isn't quite sure how to officially close it.

Date: Wed, 19 Jul 2000 07:09:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  a matter of trust?

  A few days before his proctologic exam, a one-eyed man accidentally 
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill
effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the
man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. 

  The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt 
was that glass eye staring right back at him! 
 
"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Date: Thu, 20 Jul 2000 06:53:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  reasons

  It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of
his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk
when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the
porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to
the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates,
runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
  They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't 
stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you 
kiss her down there?"
  Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 07:10:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Are you ready for Children?????

How To Know Whether Or Not You're Ready To Have Children 

MESS TEST: 

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fishstick behind the
couch and leave it there all summer. 

TOY TEST: 

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all overthe house. Put on a 
blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because
this would wake a child at night. 

GROCERY STORE TEST: 

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage. 

DRESSING TEST: 

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all the arms stay inside. 

FEEDING TEST: 

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.  Suspend from
the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls
of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an
airplane.  Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. 

NIGHT TEST: 

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00p.m. get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard.  Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set
alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
years.  Look cheerful. 

INGENUITY TEST: 
 
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. 

Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa 
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. 

AUTOMOBILE TEST: 

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into
the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies,
mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car.  There, perfect!

PHYSICAL TEST: (Women) 
 
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your 
clothes.  Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. 

PHYSICAL TEST: (Men) 
 
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
store.  Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last
time. 

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: 
 
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.  Emphasize to them that
they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this
experience.  It will be the last time you will have all the answers. 

Date: Mon, 24 Jul 2000 07:11:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  sick, tasteless humor... :)

Heard on Kevin McCarthy's Joke & Talent Hour on KLIF 570AM radio in 
Dallas:

"A baby seal walks into a club..."

Date: Tue, 25 Jul 2000 07:10:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  predictions

  A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an
adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he
could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future. 

  One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will
die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my
father will die." 

  Sure enough, a year later the young boy died. 

  The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a
million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died.

  The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring
he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge.  Fast
cars.  Faster women. Exotic vacations.  Flings with supermodels.

  His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on
a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced
champagne and sexy lingerie.

  At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off
into what he assumed would be his big sleep.

  To his amazement, he woke up the next morning.  He had cheated
death!  He was invincible!

  Then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the
news.  "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead." 

Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2000 07:13:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  kids and patience

  It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher, Miss 
Brown, had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair of little
feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could go to lunch.

  The last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy. Miss 
Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they were a bit 
too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle. To her
dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and announced,
"Teacher, these boots aren't mine." In a hurry, but wanting to be kind,
Miss Brown groaned, but with grim gentleness removed the boots and
straightened her aching back.

  Whereupon Johnny continued, "They're my little brother's, but Mommy said 
I could wear them to school today."

Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2000 07:11:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  reincarnation

  There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and 
reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining 
would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after
their death.
  
  Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
  
  True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit 
world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John,
this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes
Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John,
what is it like where you are?"

  "It's beautiful.  There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of 
the time."
  
  "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before 
sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love 
until noon.  After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until
about five.  After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11
p.m."

  Martha was somewhat taken aback.  "Is that what heaven really is like?"
    
  "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."  

  "Well, then, where are you?"
  
  "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

Date: Fri, 28 Jul 2000 12:34:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Help Wanted...

Needed: Technical Support Representative for a Fortune 10 Company
 
Wanted: an extremely disagreeable person to assist with technical issues
at our company. Telephone support is available to our clients and we need
you to fill the bill by assisting with our customers.
 
Skills you will need:
  
  Limited computer knowledge: It's perfectly acceptable if you don't know
a thing about computers, because neither do the callers. If it gets too
technical, we transfer the client to another operator and allow them to
re-explain the problem once more.
 
  Our recent customer surveys show that our clients like re-explaining 
their problems and they think they are getting special service, if they
talk to more than one representative. 
 
  Heavy European or Middle Eastern accents are a plus: Since this position
is in the midwestern area of the USA, your accent is acceptable. It
confuses the clients and they will talk very slowly for you, therefore
making communication confusing and difficult for the client.
 
  Again the survey submitted by our customers last year showed that they 
like it when they have an opportunity to speak with someone who has an 
interesting accent. They especially commented favorably on the question
regarding the technical person adding native jargon during the technical
conversation.
  
  No patience: This is a prerequisite. Hangovers are also a plus as they 
add to the totally grumpy mood and since we don't want clients to call 
back- this is a helpful skill.
 
  Bad phone etiquette habits:: We, at the Very Large ISP Corporation, 
allow our employees multiple snack breaks. This allows for the customers
to speak with a heavily accented, snacking, technical support person.
 
  We have the most tolerant (read dummies) customers, again according to 
these customer surveys, they gave this trait a green light.
 
  We also encourage employees being rude with the callers, or just 
answering "yep" and "nope" to their probing inane questions.

  Besides the normal menial salary and benefits, the best part of this job
is that you get to wear one of those cool headsets so the caller can hear
you spit and mumble clearly. If you have these talents and are willing to
work for us we want you on our team. Hurry these positions are for this
week only, as we only need three persons in the national help center. 
 
  Our motto here at the Very Large ISP Corporation is: We don't volunteer
any information- you have to ask. 

Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2000 07:43:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  umm...

  A father is in church with three of his young children, including his 
five year old daughter.  As was customary, he sat in the very front row so
that the children could properly witness the service.

  During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism 
of a tiny infant.   The little five year old girl was taken by this, 
observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's
head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her
father and asked:  "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"