Date: Mon, 2 Jul 2001 08:15:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  precious

  Two southern girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch one
evening. One girl had just arrived back from New York and she was telling
her girlfriend about some of the sites she had seen in the big city.

  In a heavy southern drawl, she says, "You know, they have women up there
who have sex with other women."

  In a whispered voice, her friend replies, "Oh, my! What do they call
them?"

  "They call them lesbians."

  "And there's men who have sex with other men," says the women. "They
call them homosexuals." Then, she pauses, lowers her voice even more and
says, "And, they have these men up there that will put their face in a
woman's privates and kiss and lick all around..."

  "Do tell!" gasps her friend, "What do they call them?"

  "Heck if I know, I just patted him on the head and called him Precious."

Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2001 09:37:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  wait for it...

  Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was
doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

  "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."

  "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

  Nancy patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because
he's inside your f**king cat."

Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2001 09:05:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on
his toes."

Date: Fri, 6 Jul 2001 09:15:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  sick bumper sticker OTD

"My uncle fondled your honor student."

Date: Mon, 9 Jul 2001 08:55:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de
Milo." -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925

Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 09:41:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  message to the bank

(This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank
thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times:)

Dear Sir:

  I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account
for $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.

  My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path
of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by
these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001,
taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very
bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited
and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following
changes:

  I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.

  My mortgage and loan repayments will, hereafter, no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of your branch whom you must nominate. You
will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.

  Please find attached an Application for Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be signed by a Notary Public, and that the mandatory details
of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and abilities) must
be accompanied by documented proof.

  In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the
playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system,
which you will notice, is very much like yours.

  My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
8. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

  The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a
refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:
      "Oh, the banks are  made of marble,
      With a guard at every door,
      And the vaults are filled with silver,
      That the miners sweated for."

  After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your
bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes
at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay
your kindness by passing some costs back.

  First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact
will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits
to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

  My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute, so you would be well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but
again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

  May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001 08:49:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  networking future?

  Darth Vader took two giant strides toward the immense visiscreen that
occupied the forward wall of the bridge of his flagship Imperial star
destroyer. "We've got them now," he rumbled. Whirling on the technicians
cowering at their consoles, Vader snapped, "Tractor beam!"
  "Yes, Lord Vader," replied one, bending attentively to his task. Then he
looked up hesitantly.
  Vader gestured dramatically at the screen, indicating the fleeing
spacecraft. "I want a tractor beam on that ship," he declared. "Now!" The
technician busied himself with switches and dials.
  "Where's that tractor beam?" roared Vader, his voice dark with menace.
  The other technicians turned frightened eyes on their peer. They knew
what happened when Darth Vader's instructions weren't executed instantly.
  "The tractor beam seems to be down, sir," quavered the technician.
  "What do you mean down?" Vader inquired with a disturbing silkiness to
his voice.
  "It's not accepting commands, sir," the technician explained. Another
technician leaned over and examined the console. "That's odd. The beam
itself is showing green," he pointed out.
  "Yes, I know," agreed the first.
  "But I'm not getting any acknowledgment to my 'Engage' command." He
pressed a button several times to demonstrate.
  "Maybe the network's down again," suggested a third technician.
  "Oh, that could be," admitted the first technician. "The network might
be down, Lord Vader," he informed the large black figure trembling with
rage.
  "What network?" Vader asked ominously.
  The second technician jumped in.  "Since we've moved to a distributed
architecture on the Imperial star destroyers, everything is on a network.
It was felt that the direct connections were too unreliable."
  The third technician added, "The tractor beam is on one of the
peripherals sub networks, with the printers and the scanners. It's not on
the main weapons network."
  "Why isn't the tractor beam on the weapons network?" asked Vader, now
more puzzled than angry.
  The technicians exchanged sheepish looks. It was embarrassing to have to
point out something so obvious to a superior. The second technician
cleared his throat. "Well, sir, the weapons network is a higher priority.
It makes more sense to put the less commonly used systems on a separate
sub network that has lower QOS."
  "QOS?" Vader queried.
  "Hang on a second," said the first technician. "If the network is down,
how come we're getting a green light for the tractor beam?"
  The third technician brightened. "Ah! Maybe the console is retrieving
old MIB data and displaying that."
  "MIB?" rumbled Vader.
  The first technician answered "We use SNMP to monitor the network
elements. When the server queries the element, it stores its current
status. If the network goes down, it can't query the element anymore, and
all you have is the latest status in the MIB." He turned to the other
technicians, musing.
  "We really should have an indicator of when the last successful query
was, instead of just a green or red light."
  "Good idea," said the third technician. "I'll call tech support."
  "Say," said the second technician. "How about if we ping the tractor
beam? Let me bring up a telnet window."
  "Telnet?" asked Vader, now obviously confused. "Ping?"
  The first technician glanced briefly at Vader, a little annoyed at the
interruptions. Why couldn't this guy keep up with the service bulletins?
"The system runs Unix, but the consoles run NT 5000," he replied with
exaggerated patience. "You need a telnet window to ping the element." He
turned his attention back to the screen. "That's strange. It comes back
'active'. Listen, when you get tech support tell them we can't engage the
tractor but we can ping it."
  "Right," said the third technician. "I'm still on hold."
  "Here's a thought," said the second technician. "What if we just call
the guys down at tractor control and have them engage the beam manually?"
Vader seemed to brighten up at this, and swiveled his head from one to
another.
  "Good idea," said the first technician. He lifted his communicator and
tapped the switch several times. "Nothing," he said.
  The second technician shook his head. "Didn't we tell them we couldn't
do voice and data with that little bandwidth?"
  Suddenly Vader noticed the visiscreen and let out a bellow of anger.
"They're gone!" he boomed.
  The third technician looked up smiling. "Hey, I got tech support!"

Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 08:41:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bumper sticker OTD

from the Keynoter:

"Comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable."

Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 11:56:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Causes of Deaths of Philosophers

'Gentlemen, it is a fact that every philosopher of eminence for the last
two centuries has either been murdered, or, at the least, been very near
it, insomuch that if a man calls himself a philosopher, and never had his
life attempted, rest assured there is nothing in him; and against Locke's
philosophy in particular, I think it is an unanswerable objection (if we
needed any) that, although he carried his throat about him in this world
for seventy-two years, no man ever condescended to cut it.'

Thomas de Quincey, 'Murder Considered as One of the Fine Arts'
(quotation supplied by Kent Bach)

This list, started by Stiv Fleishman, contains many new and revised
entries, suggested by many other philosophers and added by Hugh Mellor, to
whom further suggestions should be sent at dhm11@cam.ac.uk

Abelard: Nun
Adorno: Bad frankfurter
Albert: Undermind
Anaxagoras: Burned up
Anaximander: Infinite causes
Anaximenes: Evaporated
Anscombe: By intention
Anselm: Disease than which no deadlier can be conceived
Aquinas: First causes
Aristotle: Excessive moderation
Armstrong: Indisposed
Arrow: Voted out
Audi: Durch Technik
Augustine: Hippo
Austin: Executionary act
Ayer: Unverifiable
Bacon, F: Hit by idol in market place
Bacon, J: De trope
Barwise: Bad situation
Belnap: Became irrelevant
Benacerraf: Number was up
Bennett: Taking the consequences
Bentham: Fell off his stilts
Bergson: Elan mortel
Berkeley: Divine neglect
Blanshard: End necessitated by system
Blackburn: Stopped projecting
Block: Trouble with bodily function
Bosanquet: Unqualified judgment
Bradley: Absolutely everything
Bratman: As planned
Bruce Le Catt: Curiosity
Burge: Something like arthritis
Buridan: Asinine starvation
Burke: Sublimated
Calvin: Predestined
Campbell, K: Epiphenomenal causes
Camus: The plague
Cantor: Set aside
Carnap: Left the material mode
Cartwright, Nancy: Incapacitated
Cartwright, Richard: Satisfied a negative existential
Cassirer: Symbolic causes
Chisholm: Lost his foundations
Chomsky: Degenerative transformation
Church: Recursive causes
Churchland(s): Eliminated
Coady: No telling
Cohen, G: Missed the marks
Collingwood: Entered history
Comte: Went negative
Confucius: Lost his way
Copernicus: Revolution
Cournot: Became too improbable
Craig, E: Work of God
Crane: Lost his representations
Cresswell: Outmoded
Dancy: No particular reason
Danto: Artfully transfigured
Darwin: Unfit
Davidson: Radically different schematosis
Dawkins: Suicidal genes
Deleuze: Deterritorialized
Democritus: Atomised
Dennett: Lost consciousness
Derrida: Deconstructed
Descartes: Bifurcated pituitary gland
Devitt: Naturalised causes
Devlin: Fell off Clapham omnibus
Dewey: Became part of the environment
Dilthey: Hermeneutic complication
Dingler: Unsuccessful experiments
Diodorus: Mastered by the argument
Diogenes: Exposure
Dretske: No indications
Dreyfus: Computerised
Dudman: Conditional causes
Dummett: Unverifiable causes
Duns Scotus: Being univocal to an accident
Dupre: Disorder
Durkheim: Suicide
Dworkin: Lost his rights
Earman: Inextendible world-line
Einstein: Diced with God
Eliot: Eructation of unhealthy souls
Emmet: Passage of nature
Empedocles: Cosmic cycle accident
Epictetus: Crime of passion
Epicurus: Nothing to worry about
Ewing: Unfitness
Feigl: Nomological dangler
Feyerabend: Everything went
Fichte: Non-ego takeover
Field: Weight of numbers
Fine: Shook up
Flew: Met the great equaliser
Fodor: Fell off Granny's knee
Follesdal: Noematheosis
Foot: Ungrounded
Foucault: Disempowered
Frankfurt: Revised his will
Frege: Fell under a concept
Freud: Slipped
Gadamer: Lost horizons
Galen: Lost his sense of humours
Galileo: Stopped moving
Gasset, Ortego y: Circumstancial
Geach: Reference failure
Gentzen: Cut turned septic
Gettier: Fatal counter-example
Gewirth: Dialectical necessity
Glymour: Tripped over his own boostraps
Gödel: Became incomplete
Goldman: Unknown internal causes
Goodman: Gruesome bleen infection
Gorgias: Annihilated
Green: Had to share humanity's common end
Grice: Non-natural
Grosseteste: Encephalitis
Grunbaum: Psyched out
Gupta: Became unstable
Habermas: A discourse condition
Hamilton: Crushed by mill
Han Feizi: Made illegal
Hare: Wrong prescription
Hartshorne: Creatively synthesized
Haugeland: Entered excluded zone
Heal: Dissimulation
Hegel: Gave up the Geist
Heidegger: Not being in time
Heisenberg: Uncertain causes
Hempel: Explained away
Heraclitus: Fell in the same river twice
Hilbert: Informal causes
Hinckfuss: Fit of morality
Hintikka: Lost his normal forms
Hobbes: Nasty causes
Hofstadter: Holistic trap
Honderich: Undetermined
Horwich: Deflated
Horstmann: Anthropopetal collapse
Hume: Unknown causes
Husserl: Phenomenally bad luck
Jackson: Saw red
James, W: The will to leave
Jaspers: Essence exhausted
Jeffrey: Indecision
Johnson, S: Kicked the bucket
Joseph: Stebbing
Kamp: Ran out of time
Kant: Found the means to his own end
Kaplan: This and that
Katz: Decomposed
Keynes: Entered the long run
Kierkegaard: Sick to death
Kim: Supervened on nothing
Kitcher: Vaulting
Korsgaard: Kant tell
Koslow: Structural failure
Kripke: Went rigid
Kuhn: Paradigm lost
Kyburg: Low frequency
Lacan: Lack
Lakatos: Degenerated
La Mettrie: Machination
Langer: Ran out of new keys
Laozi: Attained utmost vacuity
Laplace: Prior arrangement
Laudan: Progressive debility
Leibniz: Monadnucleosis
Lesniewski: De-parted
Levi: Contracted corpus
Levina: Merged with others
Levi-Strauss: Eaten by natives
Lewis, C I: No more givens
Lewis, D: Joined his counterparts
Lewy: Outfoxed
Lipton: Unexplained
Locke: No idea
Lovejoy: Being unchained
Lloyd: loss of bodily humours
Lucretius: Bumped off
Luther: Diet of worms
Lyotard: Post post-modernism
Mach: Unsensational causes
Machiavelli: Intriguing causes
MacIntyre: After-virtue infection
Mackie: An inus condition
Maimonides: Lost his guide
Malcolm: Undreamed of causes
Malebranche: Occasional causes
Marcuse: Became multi-dimensional
Martin, C B: Lockejaw
Marx: Material causes
Matravers: Art attack
Maxwell: Demonic possession
McCall: Branch fell off
McCulloch: Went out of his head
McDowell: Left the space of reasons
McGinn: Case closed
McTaggart: Untimely causes
Meinong: Lack of subsistence
Mellor: By chance
Merleau-Ponty: Perceptions blacked out
Mill: Depsychologised
Millikan: Devolved
Montague: Disfunction
Moore: By his own hand, obviously
Naess: Over-exposure at great height
Nagel, Ernest: Reduction
Nagel, Tom: Struck by bat
Nerlich: Spaced out
Neurath: Lost at sea
Newcomb: Too boxed
Newton: Concussion
Nietzsche: Overpowered himself
Noonan: Unidentified assailant
Nozick: Lost track
O'Shaughnessy: Lost the will
Oakeshott: Experienced arrest
Ockham: Accident with razor
Oddie: Flew too close to the truth
Paley: By design
Papineau: Supernaturalised
Paracelsus: Stabbed
Parfit: Mistaken identity
Parmenides: No two ways
Pascal: The wagers of sin
Passmore: 100 years of philosophy
Pavlov: Reflexed
Peacocke: Discontent
Peirce: Abducted
Penrose: Became computable
Perry: Lost himself
Pettit: Stopped responding
Pherecydes: Lice
Piaget: Undeveloped causes
Place: Brained
Plantinga: Of necessity
Plato: Caved in
Pollock: Defeated
Popper: Falsified
Price: Backward causes
Priest: Became more dead than alive
Prior: Past it
Protagoras: Eaten by fish
Putnam: Fell in the twater
Pyrrho: Scepticemia
Pythagoras: Squared on the hypotenuse
Quine: Became a free variable
Rand, Ayn: Objectified ego
Ramsey: Made redundant
Rawls: Unveiled
Raz: Exclusionary reasons
Redhead: Robust causes
Reichenbach: Common causes
Rescher: Incoherence
Ricoeur: Felt misunderstood
Rorty: No foundations
Ross: In the line of duty
Rousseau: Contract job
Russell: Thought the pier was longer than it was
Ryle: Gave up the ghost
Salmon: Fishy causal process
Santayana: A thousand vexations and vanities
Sartre: Nothing doing
Saussure: Parole revoked
Scheler: Became objectively valued
Schlesinger: Became hypertensed
Schlick: Collapsed protocol
Schopenhauer: Involuntary causes
Searle: Chinese food
Sellars: Not given
Sextus Empiricus: Doubtful causes
Sheffer: Stroke
Shoemaker: Loss of identity
Simons: Partitioned
Singer: Liberated
Skinner, B F: Bad behaviour
Slote: Had enough
Smart: Dematerialised
Smiley: One too many conclusions
Smith, A: Invisible hand
Smith, P: Unanalysed
Socrates: Consumption
Sorabji: Four causes
Sperber: Became irrelevant
Spinoza: Substance abuse
Stalnaker: Inquiry pending
Strawson: Unidentified
Sylvan: Lost in jungle
Tanner: Götterdammerung
Tarski: 'Death'
Taylor: Renounced agency
Thales: Drowned
Tuomela: Group decision
Turing: Halted
Unger: Never knew
Van Fraassen: Empirical inadequacy
Vico: Recycled
Virilio: Tachycardia
Von Wright: By obligation
Walton: Make-believe
Warburton: Went back to basics
Weber: Overwork
Wheeler: Manifold causes
Whitehead: Procession
Wiggins: Substantial change
Williams: Bored with immortality
Winch: Witchcraft
Wisdom: Other minds
Wittgenstein: Became the late Wittgenstein
Wolf: Sanctified
Wright: Minimal causes
Zeno: Run over by tortoise

Date: Mon, 16 Jul 2001 10:18:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Mad Cow Disease

  A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

The Lady :
  "Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reason
that causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the
reason?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said,
  "Do you know that the bull screws the cow once a year?"

The Lady (getting embarrassed):
  "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation
between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?"

The Farmer :
  "Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?"

The Lady :
  "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the
point?"

The Farmer :
  "I am getting to the point, Madam.
  Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only
screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2001 08:42:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  problems with getting old

  An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."

  The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

  The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's
like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with
her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing.

  We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing."

  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

  The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't
get the jar open!"

Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2001 08:28:40 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD 

"Everyone that works for a living is a whore, however for the most part it
is only contractors that get treated as such."

Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2001 08:16:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  a small vital difference

  A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of Harley, when
he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.  The heart surgeon
was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

  The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a
question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic working on the motorcycle.

  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So
Doc, look at this engine.  I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em,
put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one.

  So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you
and I are doing basically the same work?"

  The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic..... "Try doing it while it's running!"

Date: Fri, 20 Jul 2001 08:30:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  one way of looking at it...

  Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their
white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were
about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "brides
of Christ."

  Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with
yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front
row.

  The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to
share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

  One of the Hasidic Jews politely replied, "We're from the groom's
family."

Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2001 08:31:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain."
- Martin Mull

Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 08:57:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: definitions

"catastrophic uncommanded dissassembly of the hardware"

(This in reference to what happens to a fly-by-wire supersonic aircraft if
the computer gets the wrong notion about the plane's attitude at Mach 2+)

Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 08:41:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  religious joke

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as leader of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 08:42:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality."

-off of /.

Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 09:05:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Calling Scientology a 'religion' is an awful lot like calling Dunkin'
Donuts a 'restaurant'..."

--The Register

Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 08:45:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  corpses

  Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective
goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to
the first dead man.

  "This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on
the lottery." He then moves on to the second smiling corpse.

  "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having sex with
Trudy-May." Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse.

  "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by
lightning."

  "Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

  "Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 08:57:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  2 for the price of 1

Crazy Hero

  After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved
another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the
director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr.
James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to
go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a
rope around the neck."

  "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

-----

One Year

  A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and
only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man
explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he
could do. "What you should do is go out and buy a late '70's or early
'80's model Dodge Pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the
ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the
panhandle of Oklahoma."

  The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

  "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like
forever."