Date: Mon, 1 Jul 2002 06:22:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  dedication to quality

Perth, Australia, brothel owner Mary-Anne Kenworthy closed down for a day
on April 30 because the influx of 5,500 U.S. Navy personnel on shore leave
had left her workforce worn out. "We're the biggest and the best," she
said, "(and) I'd rather take nothing than offer a poor service." She
added, "I just wish they could dribble-feed the Yanks in, fly a thousand
(in) at a time." (The Bremerton (Wash.) Sun carried a wire-service version
of this story but later apologized for it to its readers since many Navy
families in the Bremerton-Seattle area apparently did not appreciate
learning this news.)

Date: Tue, 2 Jul 2002 06:43:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  panda porn

From the Living Today newsletter:

                       PANDA PORN

  Sex education videos now are compulsory for adult giant pandas in China
in a hope it will help stop the endangered species from becoming extinct.

  The Xinhua news service in China reports the China Giant Panda Breeding
and Research Center in Sichuan hopes the videos featuring both wild and
captive pandas having sex will encourage them to mate.

  All male pandas who reach sexual maturity are required to watch the
videos. Experiments with so-called panda porn have been successful,
according to the Web site Ananova.com.

  The dwindling numbers of giant pandas partly is due to their low
fertility rate, which is reduced further in captivity. Only 10 percent of
giant pandas in captivity are capable of natural mating and 30 percent of
female giant pandas become pregnant and give birth.

  "Through this kind of sex education, we expect to arouse the sexual
instincts of giant pandas, enhance their natural mating ability and raise
their reproductive capacity," says Zhang Heming, the center's director.

Date: Wed, 3 Jul 2002 06:24:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what
it is I'll get married again."
-- Clint Eastwood

Date: Mon, 8 Jul 2002 06:20:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

Frisbeetarianism, n.:
        The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
        gets stuck.

Date: Tue, 9 Jul 2002 06:19:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Theodore Roosevelt quote

  "The President is merely the most important among a large number of
public servants. He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree
which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or
inefficiency in rendering loyal, able, and disinterested service to the
Nation as a whole. Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should
be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it
is exactly necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when
he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and
servile. To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or
that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only
unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American
public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or any one else.
But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant,
about him than about any one else."

"Roosevelt in the Kansas City Star", 149; May 7, 1918

Date: Wed, 10 Jul 2002 18:40:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Remaining US CEO's make a break for it

REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT
Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border

San Antonio, Texas (Rooters) -- Unwilling to wait for their eventual
indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a
break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns
and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a
marketing expense. "They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV,
then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just
north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted
last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each
of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By
late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's
population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second
quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion. Law enforcement officials and disgruntled
shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated. "First of all,
they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers,
and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And
every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!' they refer us
to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."

"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a
common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by
disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border
Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to
scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we
just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis,
"but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the
loop on that' or 'let's try and think outside the box.'"

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer
Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph
Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen and every Global
Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski
of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been
indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha
Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a
barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. "She
would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan
and food coloring so she could make edible Mexican Mariachi place
settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol
Officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning
sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into
Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at
the Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," She
said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for
each change as a sales event."

Date: Thu, 11 Jul 2002 07:27:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I'm not much of an apocalyptic kind of guy myself. I'm a pessimist. I
think the world is going to go on forever."
	- Rex Murphy, Toronto Globe & Mail

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 2002 07:59:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

"A cat spends her life conflicted between a deep, passionate and profound
desire for fish and an equally deep, passionate and profound desire to
avoid getting wet.  This is the defining metaphor of my life right now."

Date: Mon, 15 Jul 2002 08:36:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
-- Dylan Thomas

Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 08:29:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Frodo Baggins Charged With War Crimes

  From The Guardian (ahem):

  Frodo Baggins Charged With War Crimes

  Frodo Baggins of Bagshot Row, Hobbiton, The Shire,  Middle Earth, has
been called before the International Criminal Court to answer charges of
war crimes brought by Sauron the Dark Lord and Saruman the White in a
joint filing.

  Baggins refused comment on the matter from his home at Bag End, simply
moaning and holding his head. But his former valet and gardener (now mayor
of Hobbiton) Samwise Gamgee spoke with reporters from his "bit of garden,"
saying that "you people ought to know better, coming here bothering my
master and trampling my taters and all. This is just about the dumbest
thing I've heard of since Master Merry and Master Pippin started up that
Broadway show of theirs. That didn't work out so well, either, but all's
well as ends better, as my Gaffer used to say." Gamgee was referring to
the spectacular failure of "Mount Doom - the Musical," which debuted on
Broadway last year and closed the same night, bankrupting its producers
and principal investors Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland and Peregrine Took
of the Tookland, both in the Shire.

  The charges brought by Sauron and Saruman are serious and were commented
on at length by the Dark Lord himself at a press conference held after he
delivered the formal papers to the Court. As a full signatory to the
Court's original charter, Sauron is legally entitled to bring charges
before the Court, and the Court's decision will be binding on Mr. Baggins,
per the charter establishing the authority of the Court over the entire
world, whether the particular defendant lives in a member country or not.
The Shire has repeatedly refused to ratify a proposal to join the Court;
the proposal has languished in the legislature, bogged down by stalling
tactics employed by right-wing and unilateralist legislators intent on
blocking it. Gondor and Rohan have likewise not joined the ICC, for
similar obstructionist reasons.

  "Mr.Baggins is guilty of some of the most egregious violations of
International Law as expressed in the Court's founding documents and must
be brought to answer for his inhumane actions," Sauron said from the
cardboard box behind the Emyn Muil 7-11 he's been living in since the
scandalous and irresponsible destruction of Sauron's Ruling Ring brought
about the downfall of his Empire several years ago. "He's obviously guilty
of violating several provisions of Article 8, Section 2, especially the
'outrage against personal dignity' clause and the 'excessive incidental
death, injury or damage' clause. When the armies of the Western Alliance
marched up to the Black Gate, they were guilty of making illegal
aggressive war against a sovereign nation. Our legal team plans to bring
separate suits against Aragorn son of Arathorn, the Elfstone King Elessar
of Gondor. Also King Eomer of the Riddermark and Elrond Halfelven of
Rivendell. But we chose to pursue the suit against Baggins first, since
his was the most damaging and egregious crime."

  Baggins was responsible for casting the Ring of Power (otherwise known
as the One Ring or simply the One) into the fires of Mount Orodruin in
Mordor ("Where The Shadows Lie!" according to the Mordor Tourism Board),
thereby destroying both the Ring and Sauron's long-standing hope to bring
heretofore fractious and inefficient Middle Earth under the central
political control of the Dark Tower. Without the Ring, Sauron's legions
(defensive in nature and made necessary by the Lords of the West's
aggression, according to Barad-Dur spokesmen) of orcs, wolves, trolls, and
"evil" Men lost the will to fight and became helpless in the face of the
armies of the West. Millions were slaughtered as a direct and immediate
consequence of the destruction of the Ring.

  Saruman had his own comments on the charges. "The swaggering little
cock-a-whoops cast me out, forcing me to live as a beggar wandering
through the wilderness of Middle Earth. They brought their own house to
ruin when they destroyed mine, and someone has to pay for it," said
Saruman, formerly known for his sartorial finesse but now dressed only in
torn, filthy rags. Saruman is demanding the right of return to his former
home at Orthanc in Isengard, which has been occupied since the so-called
"War of the Ring" by Ents, Elves, and other folk.

  Both Sauron and Saruman claim that their persecution by Baggins and the
Lords of the West is based on their religious beliefs, also clearly in
violation of Article 8. With the wanton destruction of the One Ring,
Baggins also directly and callously murdered every one of the high priests
of the Dark Lord's religious order, known collectively as the Nazgul.
Saruman said that the destruction of the pits and forges of Isengard,
where he had genetically-engineered his Fighting Uruk-Hai breed of
half-orcs, half-men, was done in blatant disregard for the religious
rights of an indigenous people. "All my Uruks wanted was the basic human
right to practice their religion and to live with their neighbors in
peace," said Saruman. "But they were forcibly removed from their homes and
slaughtered like cattle by the Riders of Rohan. It was, well, completely
inhuman." Saruman then broke down in a touching display of emotion and was
tended to by his servant Wormtongue. He refused any further comment.

  Baggins was defended in a public statement released by Gandalf the Grey,
a well-known right-wing wizard and co-conspirator of Baggins himself.
"Frodo made Middle-Earth safe for democracy and now this is how he's
repaid - by facing imprisonment because of a suit brought by the very
enemies of freedom! The world's press is only humiliating themselves by
siding with the Servants of the Lidless Eye on this. They have left the
path of wisdom." Gandalf's statement was published in the National Review
and certain fascist online journals, known as "warblogs" to their
purveyors and media watchdog groups. The New York Times, Washington Post,
San Francisco Chronicle, and most other mainstream newspapers refused to
publish the statement, calling it "biased and self-serving propaganda from
a known cohort of Mr. Baggins."

  The suit was hailed as a major step forward in the re-establishment of
the authority of international law by progressives throughout the world.
Trillions of supporters of the suit gathered on the White House lawn
(photo HERE) in the United States this week to express their approval for
the suit, and to protest the American cowboy government's refusal to
recognize the legitimacy of any international deliberative body in even
the most weakend and watered-down form. Several American lawyers,
including Johnny Cochran, Alan Dershowitz, and Bob Bennett, immediately
expressed their intention to assist the Lord of Barad-Dur in his attempt
to bring Baggins and the others to justice.

  Elrond Halfelven, when asked to comment on the matter, said merely,
"F**k this, I'm outta here," apparently declaring his intention to seek
political refuge in the Uttermost West beyond the Sundering Seas.

  Baggins will be taken into custody sometime this week to await trial.

  Update! In an statement of support for the Dark Lord, demonstrators in
France have burned three synagogues to the ground.

-- by John William Zaccone

Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 09:13:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." (Where there is no police, there is no
speed limit.) -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)

Date: Thu, 18 Jul 2002 09:07:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Geography

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of
her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm
and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no
one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70  a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

Date: Fri, 19 Jul 2002 09:18:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  one way of thinking of it

  A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and
on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we
give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Date: Mon, 22 Jul 2002 09:16:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  reading carefully

The following ad in the The Atlanta Journal is reported to have received
numerous calls:

--------------------------------------------------------------
"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity
unimportant.  I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love
long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping,
fishing trips, cozy nights laying by the fire.  Candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your hand.  Rub me the right way and watch
me respond.  I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me.  Kiss me and I'm yours.
---------------------------------------------------------------

More than 150 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society
about an 8-week-old black Labrador Retriever...

Date: Tue, 23 Jul 2002 07:39:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  point of view

DETROIT LIONS

  A football coach had put together the perfect team for Detroit Lions.
The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.  He had scouted all
the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer
quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.  Then one night, while
watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia.  In one corner of the
background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible
arm.

  He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards
away, ka-boom!  He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers
100 yards away, ka-blooey!  Then a car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye!

  "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself.  "He has the perfect
arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in
history. The young Bosnian is hailed as the Great Hero of football, and
when the Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to
call his mother.

  "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."

  "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says.  "You deserted us.
You're not my son."

  "I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of
my adoring fans."

  "No, let me tell you," his mother retorts.  "At this moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this
week your sister was raped in broad daylight."  The old lady pauses, and
then tearfully says, "..I'll never forgive you for making us move to
Detroit."

Date: Wed, 24 Jul 2002 10:37:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on
silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality."
-- Al Capone

Date: Thu, 25 Jul 2002 08:31:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  longevity

  The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive
their enemies.

  About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another
twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response
of about 80 percent.

  Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his
question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one
elderly lady in the rear.

  "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

  "I don't have any."

  "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

  "Ninety-three."

  "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

  The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly
turned around and said, "It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

Date: Fri, 26 Jul 2002 07:25:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off." -- Johnny Carson

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 2002 21:55:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Dear France

Dear France,
  Sixty some years after an insane Austrian with one testicle conquered
your country and American with one testicle has, for the fourth straight
time, won your most prestigious bicycle race. Mr. Armstrong refers to
winning the Tour De France as "...an enjoyable hobby."
  Wisconsin makes better cheese, California makes better wine, McDonald's
makes better french fries, and any South American kid who's old enough to
walk is a better soccer player. Don't feel bad though, maybe Quebec will
let you join Canada.

Sincerely Yours,

America

Date: Tue, 30 Jul 2002 10:39:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  The Poker Game

  Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead
at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five
continue playing standing up.

  Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell the wife?"

  They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one.

  They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.

  "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion
is my middle name, leave it to me."

  Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The
wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just
lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

  The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"

  "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

Date: Wed, 31 Jul 2002 07:50:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  well, no...

  A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

  And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level,
and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fudthy bwack
wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

  She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a
quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit!"