Date: Tue, 1 Jul 2003 08:23:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Perseverance alone does not assure success. No amount of stalking will
lead to game in a field that has none."
-- I Ching (B.C. 1150?)

Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2003 07:42:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Camping survival hints

  When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will
keep the campsites on either side vacant.

  Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite
stump apart and eating all the ants.

  A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot
enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

  The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
Steer clear of those named for landfills.

  While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy
Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a
tiny canoe paddle.

  Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay
dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have
been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

  Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint
from navel before applying the match.

  You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north
side of your compass.

  You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a
plastic garbage bag with several geese.

  The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be
confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan
veterinarians.

  When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something
to wipe your nose on.

  Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a
flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go
into the woods alone.

  A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

  A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A
potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

  In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your
underwear.

  The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.

  The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

  It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.

  Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2003 07:34:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  beliefs...

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.

Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 07:34:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"There are no skeletons in my closets.  My life is an open book, with
rather remarkable illustrations."
-Hugh Hefner

Date: Tue, 8 Jul 2003 07:37:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"A man will hit on a woman no matter what.  If he's strapped to
the electric chair and the woman throwing the switch is good
looking, his last words will be, 'Hey baby, how you doing?'"

-- Bill Engvall

Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2003 07:38:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues."
-- Elizabeth Taylor

Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 09:33:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"If everyone is thinking alike then somebody isn't thinking."
-- General George Patton

Date: Fri, 11 Jul 2003 07:47:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  a thought

  Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're
suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

  "Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

  "And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em fat
and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true
mister?"

  "Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

  "Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for
all them ugly women I've slept with ?"

Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2003 07:39:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Surgery....

  A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed.
He told his playmate "I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery."

  On the day he was admitted his mother asked if the doctor would please
circumcise the boy, since he's already going to be under anaesthesia.

  The boy woke up and was very sore "down there" there for several days.

  About a week later he got to see his playmate again.  The playmate
informed him that he, too, was also going to have to have his tonsils out.
He asked the boy to tell him about the surgery.

  The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where
you think they are."

Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 07:36:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"What we see depends on mainly what we look for."
-- John Lubbock

Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 09:05:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Some questions asked about Canada

1. Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
(UK)
   A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
   A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
   A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
   A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
   A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list
of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
   A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
   A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
   A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
   A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
    A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
    A: You are an American politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
    A: Only at Thanksgiving.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk
is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
    A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be
safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
    A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent eating the
brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 07:31:40 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Remember when your teens get too much

DON'T KILL YOUR KIDS!

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the
driveway before it has stopped snowing.

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.
-Chinese Proverb.

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't
have paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago & they're still getting in!

Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 07:47:31 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey

Date: Mon, 21 Jul 2003 07:26:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
-- Martin Mull

Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2003 07:30:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  dunno if true... but funny...

  A little lady from North Carolina had worked in and around family dairy
farms since she was old enough to walk...with hours of hard work and
little compensation ...and when canned Carnation Milk became available in
grocery stores (1940's or 50's???) she read an advertisement offering
$5,000 for the best slogan...rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best
of all....." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can
do this!!!!

  She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in
front of her house...a man got out and said, Carnation LOVED your entry so
much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to
use it....

Here is her entry:

"Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul
No buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!"

Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2003 07:39:46 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  medical laugh

  A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible
sunburn.

  He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed
with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony.

  The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

  The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

  The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2003 07:49:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  coffee? tea? or ???

  A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and
coffee?" she asks.

  He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

  At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade
soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

  He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

  Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe a microwave pizza or a tasty stir-fry
that would only take a couple of minutes?"

  He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."

  "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2003 08:08:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Hangover Ratings

1 STAR HANGOVER (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness.  Your sleep last night was a mere
disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy.  Be glad
that you are able to function relatively well.  However, you are still
parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way.

2 STAR HANGOVER (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.  You may look okay but you
have mental capacity of a staple gun.  The coffee you chug is only
irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and
fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP.  Last night has wreaked havoc on your
bowels.

3 STAR HANGOVER (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy.  You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer
86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your
bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! Fashion awards.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of
diet coke -- yet you haven't peed once.

4 STAR HANGOVER (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke.  Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.  You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,
(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper
cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look
like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

5 STAR HANGOVER (*****)

--AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your
head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.  You still
have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your
teeth.  Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue
is suffocating you.  Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely
don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why
there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.

6 STAR HANGOVER (******)

--otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker" You wake up on your
bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if
the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your
puke from 5 hours ago. You try to lift your head. Not an option.  It is
when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of
cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but
not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked
them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to
see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock"  faintly atop your forehead...
that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically
appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in
t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of
wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2003 12:23:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot."
-- Mark Twain

Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2003 08:22:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  right!

  A colleague was having a hard time operating her desk-top computer. It
was apparent that she had reached the end of her patience when she
muttered at the screen, "I know one thing. If I had a glass face like you
do, I'd sure behave better."

Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2003 07:53:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Fortune OTD

"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce."

Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2003 09:04:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"My manner of thinking, so you say, cannot be approved.  Do you suppose I
care? A poor fool indeed is he who adopts a manner of thinking for others!"
-- Le Marquis de Sade