Date: Thu, 1 Jul 2004 16:18:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  12 inch Bic

  Two men went golfing. One man took his pipe out of his gold bag and 
asked the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 
12-inch Bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did 
you get that?"

  The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his 
bag and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a 
million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he 
disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead.

  "Wait a minute," the first man said, "that's not what you asked for."

  The second man said, "My genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I
asked for a 12-inch Bic?"

Date: Fri, 2 Jul 2004 08:02:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Be valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not costly." 
-- John Lyly 

Date: Tue, 6 Jul 2004 12:59:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD 

"It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who 
cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide 
everything."
-- Joseph Stalin

Date: Wed, 7 Jul 2004 09:15:59 -0400 (EDT) Subject: humor:  QOTD 

"If you want divine justice, die." 
-- Nick Seldon

Date: Thu, 8 Jul 2004 09:00:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Noah needs a permit 

Noah Needs A Permit!

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said,

"In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with 
water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous 
people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. therefore, I am 
commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything 
aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the 
seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big 
problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did 
not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. 
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire 
sprinkler system and flotation devices.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by 
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city 
planning commission.

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a 
ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the 
U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls However, the 
Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a 
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick 
up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal 
rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just 
when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not 
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your 
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no 
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

"Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I 
sent them a map.

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal 
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by 
not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in 
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

"I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax 
and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational watercraft.

"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further 
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is 
a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I 
can finish the Ark for another five or six years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. 
A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, 
Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

Date: Mon, 12 Jul 2004 09:04:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are 
wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

Date: Tue, 13 Jul 2004 09:37:05 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with 
chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.

Date: Wed, 14 Jul 2004 09:17:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  listen next time...

  Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first 
glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as 
successful as it could be, but when Jessica awoke the following morning, 
she found her husband dressing.

  She said, "Honey, where are you going?"

  Jack said, "Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you 
that I'm a golf fiend. I play golf every day, I enter every tournament. I 
am afraid that you will rarely see me."

  Jessica nodded and said, "Well, that's all right. After all, we married 
so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either, that I'm a hooker."

  Jack said, "Oh sweetheart that's nothing - don't worry about that for a 
minute! It's easily corrected by holding the golf club like this..."

Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 08:01:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Martians

  The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars (after they 
have accumulated enough frequent flier miles). Here, they meet a Martian 
couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

  Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they make 
money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

  "Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen.

  "Pretty much the way you do." the Martian responds.

  A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the night 
and experience one another's styles!

  Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male strips. 
He's got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a quarter inch 
think.

  "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen!

  "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

  "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

  "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

  With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite 
impressively long.

  "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

  "No problem,"he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his 
unit grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely 
exciting to the woman!

  "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad, passionate 
love.

  The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their 
separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

  "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How 
about you?"

  "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept 
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

Date: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 08:50:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and  
25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
true."
-- Harry Truman

Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 09:01:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  D-Day Invasion Reported in today's environment

How Would The D-Day Invasion be Reported Today? 

Alex McRae, NY Times 

  June, 6, 1944. D-Day. The Normandy invasion. The beginning of the end of 
World War II, and one of the most storied days in American military 
history. Today we celebrate not just the 60th anniversary of the event, 
but the lives of those who perished on the shores of Normandy and those 
who lived to fight for freedom in the days, weeks and months ahead. We are 
grateful for their sacrifice, their courage and honor, and for those who 
followed in Korea, Viet Nam, the Gulf War and now, Iraq. 

  But more than anything else, we should be grateful D-Day occurred during 
a more innocent time in America. If World War II had been fought in 
today's climate of political correctness and covered by our current 
military-hating national media, things would have been quite different. 

  In fact the story of D-Day might have read something like this... 

June 6, 1944. -NORMANDY- 

  Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more wounded 
today in the first hours of America's invasion of continental Europe. 
Casualties were heaviest among women and children. 

  Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from 
American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the 
landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops. Reports from a makeshift 
hospital in the French town of St. Mere Eglise said the carnage was far 
worse than the French had anticipated and reaction against the American 
invasion was running high. 

  "We are dying for no reason," said a Frenchman speaking on condition of 
anonymity. "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say 
this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler." 

  The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, 
tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and 
thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed 
that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, 
threatening the species with extinction. 

  A representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to 
stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the destruction, but 
not surprised. 

  "This is just another example of how the military destroys the 
environment without a second thought, " said Christine Moanmore. "And it's 
all about corporate greed." 

  Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French 
government-in-exile who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded said the 
invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone knows 
the President Roosevelt has ties to big beer," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once 
the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt's beer cronies will 
control the world market and make a fortune." 

  Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based 
in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who 
sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a 
secret weapon, a so-called "atomic bomb." Such a weapon could produce 
casualties on a scale never seen before and cause environmental damage 
that could last for thousands of years. 

  Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were
unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in
Germany. 

  Shortly after the invasion began reports surfaced that German prisoners 
had been abused by Americans. Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at so-called
"concentration camps" has been rumored but so far, remains unproven. 

  Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion 
and French officials are concerned that uncollected corpses pose a public 
health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance," they 
said "It's their mess and we don't intend to clean it up." 

  I'm glad the soldiers who fought and died so bravely on D-Day and 
throughout World War II did so decades ago. In the 1940s war was hell, but 
at least our troops didn't have to fight the folks back home. 

Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 08:56:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your 
living room by people you wouldn't have in your home."
--David Frost 

Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 09:49:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  The trophy

  Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country 
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who 
knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who 
hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

  His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, 
how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
  
  Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

  They're knocked over, but continue to ask, "So how'd you persuade her to 
marry you?"
   
  Bob says, "I lied about my age."
 
  His friends respond. "What did you tell her, that you were only 50?"

  "No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."

Date: Fri, 23 Jul 2004 09:04:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  makes sense

Why isn't poker an Olympic event?

Smoking and drinking are disallowed at all Olympic venues. 

Date: Mon, 26 Jul 2004 08:56:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the 
human condition is a fool." 
-- Albert Camus 

Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 08:56:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  a horse is a horse, of course, of course???

  A man was driving through West Texas one spring evening. The road was 
deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly 
his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, 
leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and 
looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going 
again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could 
do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.

  As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed 
that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

  Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel 
pump."

  The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the 
hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

  There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was 
amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, 
tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

  Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the 
key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short 
thanks to the horse and screeched away.

  When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large 
whiskey, please!" he said.

  A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, 
"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

  "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the 
rancher.

  The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you 
say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

  The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

  "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because 
the black horse don't know shit about cars!"

Date: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 09:05:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like  
`Psychic Wins Lottery.'?" 
-- Jay Leno

Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 08:59:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  security advice QOTD

textbook, discussing encrypting passwords:

"You don't need to bother with hashed passwords if your computer is not 
connected to a network, or a power point, and is buried under six feet of 
concrete."

Date: Fri, 30 Jul 2004 08:46:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to 
swear." 
-- Sophia Loren