July 1998...
Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 12:29:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Six Windows on the House That Gates Built
Six Windows on the House That Gates Built
Abort, Retrench, Flail?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/WPcap/1998-06/14/018r-061498-idx.html
Copyright 1998 The Washington Post Company
By Tom McNichol
Sunday, June 14, 1998; Page C02
SAN FRANCISCO Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the
latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
Before using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of
the limited warranty.
Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over
Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice
immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3
percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many
features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer
operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster
storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock"
and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and
pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged
weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98
(C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products.
We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.
Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft
Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you
may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers
you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether
it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software
producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or
become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is
easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and
select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click
"yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just
keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the
entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the
browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the
screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed
with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers,
simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will
automatically be re-installed--permanently.
Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000"
computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year
as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000
for 1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a
four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of
the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory
required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor
changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and
Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of
June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."
Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It
only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software
problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the
information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank
records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with
any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare
partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as
possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all
with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the
recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but
Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working
perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to
the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the
editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American
consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate,
not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).
Satirist Tom McNichol is waiting for his computer to boot up.
Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 10:55:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: interesting line...
Off of a mailing list I inhabit...
------------------------
We've all seen the "Remove nospam from my address to reply"
nonsense on many newsgroup posts. Today I saw this one:
somebody@netcom.pants.net
Take the pants off my email address to reply.
Date: Tue, 7 Jul 1998 09:54:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Design Flaws
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford,
'Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the
world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.'
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: 'I want to hang out with Adam,
the first man.' -- So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks 'Hey aren't you the inventor of
woman?'
Adam says: 'Yes.'
'Well,' says Ford, 'you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) And the intake is too close to the exhaust.'
'Hmmmmm. ' says Adam, 'hold on'. So Adam goes to the celestial computer,
Types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer
prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, 'It
may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer,
more men are riding my invention than yours.'
Date: Wed, 8 Jul 1998 09:49:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Late-Breaking news from Washington
WASHINGTON, DC--On Monday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and
protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.
The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage,
is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S.
citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not
possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves
in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile
hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing
documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker
toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see.
Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of
working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory
sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and
promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for
even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire
nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane
worker for every two talented hirees.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new
measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning
prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can
you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that
would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with
co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost
her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler
last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really
help people like me."
With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and
millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light
at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as
lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen,
regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to
take up in this great nation."
Date: Thurs, 9 Jul 1998 09:49:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Service Comparisons
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35lb pack on his back, 15lb
weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles and says, "This is shit."
A Marine grunt stands in the rain with a 45lb pack on his back, weapon
in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and
says with a smile, "This is good shit."
An Army airborne ranger lies in the mud, 55lb pack on his back, weapon
in hand, after having jumped from a plane into a swamp and marched 25
miles at night past the enemy positions, and says with a grin, "This
really is great shit."
A Navy SEAL, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a
swamp with a 65lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after
jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12
miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then
crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I
love this shit."
An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned,
carpeted BOQ room and says, "The cable is out? What kind of shit is
this?"
Date: Fri, 10 Jul 1998 12:09:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The legendary wit of SJAM
Attributed to Sir John A. MacDonald, Canada's first prime minister :
Heckler : I wouldn't vote for you if you were the Angel Gabriel.
Sir John A. : My friend, you're so right; you wouldn't be in my
constituency.
Date: Mon, 13 Jul 1998 09:30:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Disclaimer OTD
From www.pfsnet.com:
"...Privicy Notice: Primerica Financial Services does not collect
information about visitors to its web site. Since we collect no
information, we have no information to use or to share."
Date: Tue, 14 Jul 1998 09:39:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: best of Hollywood Squares
PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"
1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margret would like to start
having babies, soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.
2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie
"What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-- that's why they asked the question.
3. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the
cookies.
4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?
5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
6. Robert Young recently stated, "I never, never give..." something to his
fans who ask for it. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A hysterectomy.
7. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years
old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did. What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.
8. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
9. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very
important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.
10. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than
drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.
11. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind.
What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.
12. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running
toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.
13. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the
Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.
14. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
15. Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.
16. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.
17. Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, it sleeps four.
18. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than
they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.
19. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?
PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.
20. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about
sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?
21. Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you
try to break him of his habit?
JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998 14:59:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Techie Terms
can vouch for a couple of these... many I have doubts about... but enjoy.
-------------------------------
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences
of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted
again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became obsolete as the sites
they're connected to change location or die.
Chip Jewelry
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into
decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's
nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30
minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great.
He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and
charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive
substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing
the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry
I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at
conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the
room was glazing by the second session?"
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not
Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located.
"Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and
electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco
Chronicle..."
Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for
the mention of your name.
Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing
something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the
screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that
CAD rendering."
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are
ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart
A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A
burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story,
but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old
hackerslang that had more negative connotations.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
"Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of
keyboard plaque."
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your
boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgeable, technically-proficient person in an office or
work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest
were tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking
with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so
astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms
looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from
web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
Nyetscape
Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Beepilepsy
The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off,
especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy
facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Date: Thu, 16 Jul 1998 10:04:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: King Leer
The tragic comedie of King Leer (by Andy Myer)
Scene 1. A forest glen. Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.
Witch Tripp:
Double, double, Webster Hubbell,
I think I got the Creep in trouble.
Eye of Newt, strap of bra,
Could it be he broke some law?
Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,
Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!
Hark! Who trespasses so near?
Kenneth of Starr: 'Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?
Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m'lord. The maiden
Lewinsky, so deeply embroil'd, is now join'd by the Lady Willey in
like pursuit. Daily tightens the noose around the king.
Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more moves
than a chess board. His public, well pleas'd with good news of the
economie, doth o'erlook much.
Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?
Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else he may
elude me yet.
Witch Tripp: His dog Buddy, freshly neuter'd, may bear his master
harsh reproach. He may consent to wearing a collar of our invention,
to survey the king at his ease. Dogs are much accustom'd to
insects. What's one more bug?
Starr: Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must away.
(Exeunt Tripp and Starr)
Scene 2. The king's antechamber
Duke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most
urgently! The castle is assaulted on all sides!
Leer: What would I not give for an hour's peace!
McCurry: An army of reporters is settled at thy gate. They are press
in name and press in deed, for they press me daily, nay, hourly for
some explanation from thy lips.
Leer: Who is there among them?
McCurry: Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of Rivera and a
host of others. Methinks I spied the van from Hard Copy.
Leer: You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that I am chaste?
McCurry: They insinuate that thou hast chased too often.
Leer: Never have lies been so artfully stack'd against a pure soul.
Where is Lady Hillary?
McCurry: Her secretary doth report that she is lock'd in her bath,
saying over and over, "Why can I not wash my hands of this guy?"
Leer: Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal in all
creation. Never have I betrayed m'lady's trust.
McCurry: Whatever.
(Enter Messenger)
Messenger: Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from Kenneth
of Starr, the Grand Inquisitor.
Leer: Was ever a man as Starr-cross'd as I? Why does this man conspire
to afflict me thus? My hand is unsteady. Read it to me.
Messenger: Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah, blah, blah,
then doth subpoena you to appear at his chamber at Friday next, to
forswear again that thou tookst no liberties with the wench Jones,
who withdraweth not her claims against you.
Leer: I have already so sworn!
McCurry: It would seem, m'lord, that the woeful tale of Lady Willey
rekindles old flames.
Leer: I kiss'd the woman on the forehead, as a sign of my regard.
Never was a king so expos'd!
McCurry: Truer words were ne'er spoken.
Leer: I cannot think on't further. Leave me to my own counsel.
(Exeunt Messenger and McCurry)
Leer: To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is the
question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and
arrows of outrageous fortune, or just bag the whole thing and teach
law at a junior college.
(Enter Courtier)
Courtier: My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.
Leer: What's this?
Courtier: You were to interview a new assistant at the stroke of
two. She seems most capable, and with rare intellect for one so young
and fair.
Leer: Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.
Courtier: A most clever jest, my king.
Leer: Let us not tarry further.
(Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind achair)
Buddy: So dearest reader, I bid adieu.
Me seeth I have much to do.
And so it comes to this pretty pass
To see if the king doth get some . . . class.
Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998 09:29:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: 12 Things to Do With a Dead Horse
Off of the Hero Games mailing list... I think we all tend to do this
with ideas or concepts we do not want to let go...
---------------------
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. On mailing lists in general --
and, it sometimes seems, this one in particular -- we often try different
strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buy a stronger whip. (Argue more vigorously in favor of, or against, the
dead horse.)
2. Change riders. (Have someone else propose, or attempt to quash, the dead
horse.)
3. Say things like "This is the way we've always ridden this horse."
4. Write a FAQ or Digital Hero article about, or put up a web page devoted
to, the dead horse. In extremis, write 256 pages on "The Ultimate Dead
Horse" for publication.
5. Argue about whether a particular breed of the dead horse is now-defunct
pre-4th Edition, standard 4th Edition, or a house rule.
6. Propose dead horses be added to 5th Edition, possibly as a variant form
of something else.
7. Describe how dead horses are easier to ride in Fuzion.
8. Experiment with changing the point cost of dead horses.
9. Debate whether being dead represents a benefit or a drawback for the
horse. (On the one hand, it doesn't need to eat, sleep or breathe; on the
other hand, it has no Movement and a greatly reduced Combat Value.) If a
benefit, in the form of a Power or Perk, who pays for it, the horse or its
owner?
10. Rename the discussion thread (Re: Expired Equine -- was: Dead Horse).
11. Build a new and improved dead horse using parts from the corpses of
several old dead horses.
12. Make a list of things to do with dead horses.
Date: Mon, 20 Jul 1998 13:06:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: the acme of political reform
Colombian Indians vote to toss senator into lake
PANIQUITA, Colombia (Reuters) - Indians from this remote village in
southwest Colombia have voted to toss a national senator-elect into an
ice-cold mountain lake to punish him for defying a community decision,
witnesses said Thursday.
Jesus Pinacue, himself one of the 20,000 members of the Paez Indian
community in Cauca province, is due to take up his seat in Congress on
Monday.
But first 40 indigenous shamans will force him to walk six hours along a
dirt track, order him to spend the night in a damp mountain pasture in
near-freezing temperatures and at dawn Saturday will strip him naked and
throw him into a lake.
Pinacue was sentenced to the punishment at a tribal council meeting
Wednesday for supporting the ``wrong'' candidate in last month's
presidential elections, said a Reuters photographer at the
meeting.
Pinacue, who ran for the vice-presidency in 1994, publicly supported the
ruling Liberal Party candidate Horacio Serpa in the runoff election on
June 21, despite orders from the Indian community not to support either of
the two candidates.
Serpa lost the election to the Conservative Party-backed Andres
Pastrana.
Pinacue, whose good looks have brought him offers to model for French
fasion houses, looked on the positive side.
``The Indian medicine-men will throw me into the lake and I will have to
try and get out,'' Pinacue told a handful of journalists in Paniquita
after his sentence was handed down.
``This will help restore my good energy and free me of evil spirits,''
he added.
In fact Pinacue has escaped lightly. Initially Paez governors had
threatened to force Pinacue to renounce his seat in Congress and said they
would string him up in a tree and whip him.
^REUTERS@
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1998 09:42:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Size does matter...
Another input from our friend at NIH... a medical article:
-------------------------
Abstract:
Swordtail fish (Poeciliidae: genus Xiphophorus) are a paradigmatic case
of sexual selection by sensory exploitation. Female preference for males
with a conspicuous "sword" ornament is ancestral, suggesting that male
morphology has evolved in response to a preexisting bias. The perceptual
mechanisms underlying female mate choice have not been identified,
complicating efforts to understand the selection pressures acting on
ornament design. We consider two alternative models of receiver behavior,
each consistent with previous results. Females could respond either to
specific characteristics of the sword or to more general cues, such as the
apparent size of potential mates. We showed female swordtails a series of
computer-altered video sequences depicting a courting male. Footage of an
intact male was preferred strongly to otherwise identical sequences in
which portions of the sword had been deleted selectively, but a
disembodied courting sword was less attractive than an intact male. There
was no difference between responses to an isolated sword and to a
swordless male of comparable length, or between an isolated sword and a
homogenous background. Female preference for a sworded male was abolished
by enlarging the image of a swordless male to compensate for the reduction
in length caused by removing the ornament. This pattern of results is
consistent with mate choice being mediated by a general preference for
large males rather than by specific characters. Similar processes may
account for the evolution of exaggerated traits in other systems.
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 1998 09:52:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Y2K commentary
Quote from Douglas Adams (on the Y2K problem):
"I've written a commercial for Apple Computer. It goes like this:
'Macintosh - we might not get everything right, but at least we knew the
century was going to end.'"
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1998 09:49:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: United Nations
Insert nationalist offensiveness warning here.
-----------------------------
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Kiwi men and 1 Kiwi woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Singaporean men and 1 Singaporean woman
One month later, on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere...
The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
"menage a trois"
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they have to
alternate with the German woman
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the
woman and started swimming
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the
woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature
of feminism. But at least... it is not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Australians are all wankers, so who cares?
The two Kiwi men start searching the island for sheep while the woman
gets friendly with a big banana she has found
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting
up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, 'cause it
gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey - but,
happily, at least they know the English aren't getting any...
The Singaporeans were found sitting around awaiting instructions from
their government on what to do next...
Date: Fri, 24 Jul 1998 09:33:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Human Interest
only the French...
--------------------
Aspiring Paris policeman takes wrong career turn
A cyclist stopped by police in Paris riding the wrong way down a one-way
street turned out to be a trainee policeman illegally carrying a gun who
admitted he was on his way to buy drugs. A police spokesman said Tuesday
that the would-be law enforcer told police he was carrying the handgun
because the neighborhood where he planned to buy drugs was unsafe. "This
is not exactly the type of element we want in our ranks and I think his
presence in police school is about to come to an abrupt end," the
spokesman told Reuters.
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1998 09:43:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: y2k yet again
The song is called "Two Digits for a Date" sung to the tune of
"Gilligan's Island," more or less:
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.
Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."
"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away.
It all will go away."
But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to @#%&,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
[key change, big finish]
There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.
Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1998 17:32:31 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: virtual hilarity
VIRTUAL HILARITY
I work in abusy office where a computer going down causes quite an
inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made
a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has
flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone
here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight
from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?"
said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?" "Very little,"
replied the first man. "Just two bytes."
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his
ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran
into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's
password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked
eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,
asterisk!"
A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he
said I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to
buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice. "I'm sorry," I
told him. "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last
purchase." "Great," he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my
computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too."
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take
nine months to download."
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair
shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed
only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings,
he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and
trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked,
"Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my
boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more
money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Bumper sticker: Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.
When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat
rooms,I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do
schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to
check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered
his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list
of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson
in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your
mother,and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a
reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I
could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's
been grounded."
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1998 09:44:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: tech this!
THE POWERBOOK THAT LEAKED
In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead PowerBook
165. Fault description: hangs on startup. An additional symptom provided
was: whilst being carried from the customer's site to our service center,
a 'sloshing' noise was heard within the machine.
"Has anything been spilt on this computer?" I inquired, but no, nothing
of the sort had happened, protested the client vehemently. Taking this
with a grain of salt (no-one's going to admit doing something that totally
invalidates their warranty and effectively wrecks their computer) I went
about filling in the repair order.
Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough, an address
error on startup, just after 'Welcome to Macintosh'. I lowered my ear to
the keyboard, at which point I heard a crackling noise (couldn't hear any
sloshing noise though) and became aware of a rather 'sharp' odor which
seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine. Flicking the computer
off and unplugging the adapter, I removed the battery from its
compartment, only to observe that the entire battery casing was soaked in
a fluid which appear to have a rainbow-like sheen (kind of like what a
puddle of soapy water would look like -- oily and colorful). I also
noticed that the same fluid was leaking out of the battery compartment
onto the static mat, but appeared clear rather than multi-colored. My
first thoughts were that the battery had somehow leaked acid out into the
guts of the PowerBook, which would account for the sharp smell (which
reminded me of ammonia), yet the battery terminals were about the one part
of the battery that was dry. No, upon closer examination, I ruled the acid
theory out. The battery was wet, but not leaking.
Tipping the machine on its side, I watched more fluid run out and
coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size of a compact disc. It
was definitely clear, and I observed that the 'rainbow' effect had been
caused by the reaction of the plastic battery casing to this 'mystery
liquid'. I then unscrewed the computer and separated the two parts of the
PowerBook. The smell suddenly became a LOT stronger. The hard disk looked
like a solid lump of rust, and the daughterboard appeared to have about
three barbecued chips. Although I was quickly forming my own opinions on
what had happened, I invited several of my workmates in to take a sniff
and offer an opinion.
We were unanimous in our decision. I rang the customer, who seemed
surprised when I asked the question: "Do you have a cat?" As it turned
out, he didn't have a cat, but he did have a lovely fluffy bunny rabbit
who was seen in the vicinity of the PowerBook only the day before. Yes,
there was no doubt about it, little fluffy had hopped up onto the keyboard
and downloaded some incompatible data. I checked the warranty form, but
there was no provision for failure due to rabbit urine anywhere.
I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance company. In
the end, the PowerBook was biffed and the customer upgraded to a 180c. I
cleaned up the static mat and sprayed the service department with a
healthy dosage of "Fresh Field of Flowers." I checked in with the customer
about a week later, asked how was he enjoying the 180c, asked if he'd
managed to restore his data, and, of course, asked how was his rabbit?
"Delicious," he said.
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1998 09:24:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Driving Etiquette
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she
is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do
have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein
loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider
that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take
care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about the encounter
with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
He said, "The reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."
Date: Fri, 31 Jul 1998 09:51:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Golf and Appreciation
For those of you who don't golf, women use the red tee - which is
typically a much shorter drive off the tee...
------------------------------
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.
First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon
catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he
catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's
interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She
agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very
talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when
he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable
morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and
competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for
a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show
you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she
shows him her appreciation...
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play
together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that
she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying
each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again
she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her
appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is
a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from
their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine
week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit
restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a
posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He
can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the
reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a
screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she
repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating
bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...