July 1999...
Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 07:13:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Great advice!
Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered for
high school and college graduates a list of things he did not learn in
school. In his book, he talks about how the liberal, feel good,
politically correct garbage has created a generation of kids with no
concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of
high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you
"earn" both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a
boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping; they called it
opportunity.
Rule 6: If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine
about your mistakes. Learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and
listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save
the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents'
generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but
life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades,
they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer.
This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real
life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers
off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself.
Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually
have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for
one.
Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 07:09:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: arthritis
A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is
stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of
gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and
begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?"
"Loose living; cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol; and contempt for
your fellow man."
"I'll be damned," the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had
arthritis?"
"Oh, *I* don't have it, Father. It says here that the pope does."
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 07:00:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: medical checkup
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete
checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying,
and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Years? What?!"
"Nine!"
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 07:01:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: hunting trip
A successful young Washington lawyer finds himself involved in a major
international conference with all kinds of important folk from the Czech
Republic, many of whom are in the USA for the first time. At a cocktail
party, he strikes up a conversation with the Czech Ambassador, who
confides that he enjoys hunting. In a spirit of detente, the young lawyer
invites His Excellency to join him on a trip to his favourite hunting
ground.
The following weekend, lawyer and diplomat are armed to the teeth and
stomping through the backwoods, having a wonderful time... when,
suddenly, a pair of huge bears, male and female, charge out of the scrub
and attack with no warning.... to his horror, the young lawyer sees the
Ambassador swallowed whole, still kicking, by the male bear.
In desperation, he runs back to the road, where, as luck would have it,
he finds a park ranger driving by, and gasps out his story. Wise in the
ways of the forest, the ranger tells the lawyer to guide him back to the
spot, since there is a chance that, having been swallowed whole, the
diplomat may still be alive, if only they can get to him in time.
They rush back into the woods, and find the two bears in roughly the
same spot. Quickly, the lawyer points to Papa Bear and tells the lawyer
that this was the one which ate the distinguished foreign visitor. The
Ranger promptly shoots the female, instead....
At the ensuing enquiry, the ranger is asked to account for his decision
to disbelieve the lawyer. He explained:
"Well, what am I supposed to do, when a lawyer tells me that the Czech
is in the male?"
Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 07:58:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Widow
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled
in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on
their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski
weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north."
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and have sex with her?"
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to
admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!"
AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU?????
Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 07:01:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Dave Barry on "coffee"...
COFFEE
By DAVE BARRY
I have exciting news for anybody who would like to pay a lot of money
for coffee that has passed all the way through an animal's digestive
tract. And you just know there are plenty of people who would.
Specialty coffees are very popular these days, attracting millions of
consumers, every single one of whom is standing in line ahead of me
whenever go to the coffee place at the airport to grab a quick cup on my
way to catch a plane. These consumers are always ordering mutant beverages
with names like "mocha-almond-honey-vinaigrette lattespressacino",
beverages that must be made one at a time via a lengthy and complex
process involving approximately one coffee bean, three quarts of dairy
products, and what appears to be a small nuclear reactor.
Meanwhile, back in the line, there is growing impatience among those of
us who just want a plain old cup of coffee so that our brains will start
working and we can remember what our full names are and why we are
catching an airplane. We want to strike the lattespressacino people with
our carry-on baggage and scream "GET OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU TREND GEEKS, AND
LET US HAVE OUR COFFEE!" But of course we couldn't do anything that
active until we've had our coffee.
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine
medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view
it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does
not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to
purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some
dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon
sprinkles. The reason some of us need coffee is that it contains
caffeine, which makes us alert. Of course it is very important to
remember that caffeine is a drug, and, like any drug, it is a lot of fun.
No! Wait!
What I meant to say is: Like any drug, caffeine can have serious side
effects if we ingest too much. This fact was noticed in ancient Egypt
when a group of workers, who were supposed to be making a birdbath, began
drinking Egyptian coffee, which is very strong, and wound up constructing
the pyramids.
I myself developed the coffee habit in my early 20's, when, as a "cub"
reporter for the Daily Local News in West Chester, Pa., I had to stay
awake while writing nomenally boring stories about municipal government. I
got my coffee from a vending machine that also sold hot chocolate and
chicken-noodle soup; all three liquids squirted out of a single tube, and
they tasted pretty much the same. But I came to need that coffee, and even
today I can do nothing useful before I've had several cups. (I can't do
anything useful afterward, either; that's why I'm a columnist.)
But here's my point: This specialty-coffee craze has gone too far. I say
this in light of a letter I got recently from alert reader Bo Bishop. He
sent me an invitation he received from a local company to a "private
tasting of the highly prized Luwak coffee," which "at $300 a pound... is
one of the most expensive drinks in the world." The invitation states
that this coffee is named for the luwak, a "member of the weasel family"
that lives on the island of Java and eats coffee berries. As the berries
pass through the luwak, a "natural fermentation" takes place, and the
berry seeds - the coffee beans - come out of the luwak intact. The beans
are then gathered, washed, roasted, and sold to coffee connoisseurs.
The invitation states: "We wish to pass along this once in a lifetime
opportunity to taste such a rarity." Or, as Bo Bishop put it: "They're
selling processed weasel doodoo for $300 a pound."
I first thought this was a clever hoax designed to ridicule the coffee
craze. Tragically, it is not. There really is a Luwak coffee. I know
because I bought some from a specialty-coffee company in Atlanta. I paid
$37.50 for two ounces of beans. I was expecting the beans to look exotic,
considering where they'd been, but they looked like regular coffee beans.
In fact, for a moment I was afraid that they were just regular beans, and
that I was being ripped off. Then I thought: What kind of world is this
when you worry that people might be ripping you off by selling you coffee
that was NOT pooped out by a weasel? So anyway, I ground the beans up and
brewed the coffee and drank some. You know how sometimes, when you're
really skeptical about something, but then you finally try it, you
discover that it's really good, way better than you would have thought
possible? This is not the case with Luwak coffee. Luwak coffee, in my
opinion, tastes like somebody washed a dead cat in it. But I predict it's
going to be popular anyway, because it's expensive.
One of these days the people in front of me at the airport coffee place
are going to be ordering decaf poopacino. I'm thinking of switching to
heroin.
Date: Tue, 13 Jul 1999 07:55:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Proctology Student
A student of proctology was in the morgue one day after classes, getting
a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where
a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his
surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this was
fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began
playing.
"On the road again... Just can't wait to get back on the road again..."
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music
stopped.
Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the
corpse. "Look at this. This is really something" the student told the
Examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
On the road again... Just can't wait to get back on the road again..."
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with
the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the
student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country
music."
Date: Wed, 14 Jul 1999 07:07:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: and they say engineers aren't funny...
Three engineers and three mathematicians are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and
watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked a
mathematician. "Watch and see," replied an engineer.
They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective
seats; but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket, please." The
door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The mathematicians see this and
agree it is quite a clever idea.
After the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the engineers on
a return trip and save some money. They buy a single ticket for the
return trip, but are astonished to see that the engineers don't buy for
any ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one perplexed
mathematician. "Watch and see," is the answer.
They board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one restroom
and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. Shortly after the
train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to
the mathematicians' restroom. He knocks on the door and says "Ticket,
please."
Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 07:10:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Carmen translation
Probably a urban legend; funny nonetheless...
-----------
This opera synopsis has been around for a few years:
For opera lovers and haters alike, we reprint herewith the "English"
synopsis of the opera Carmen, as it appeared in the program for a recent
performance in Genoa, Italy. Doubters should leave the auditorium: we have
seen it with our own eyes.
* Act 1. Carmen is a cigarmakeress from a tobago factory who loves with
Don Jose (Duet: "Talk me of my mother"). There is a noise inside the
tobago factory and the revolting cigar-makeresses burst into the stage.
Carmen is arrested and Don Jose is ordered to mounting guard her but
Carmen subduces him and lets her escape.
* Act 2. The Tavern. Carmen, Frasquito, Mercedes, Zuiniga, Morales.
Carmen's aria ("The sistrums are tinkling"). Enter Escamillio, a
balls-fighter. Enter two smuglers (Duet: "We have in mind a business") but
Carmen refuses to penetrate because Don Jose has liberated her from
prison. He just now arrives (Aria: "Slop, here who comes") but here are
the bugles singing his retreat. Don Jose will leave and draws his sword.
Called by Carmen's shrieks the two smuglers interfere with her but Don
Jose is bound to dessert, he will follow into them (final chorus: "Opening
sky wandering life").
* Act 3. A rocky landscape, the smugler's shelter. Carmen sees her death
in cards and Don Jose makes a date with Carmen for the next balls fight.
* Act 4. A place in Seville. Procession of balls-fighters, the roaring of
the balls is heared in the arena. Escamillio enters (Aria and chorus:
"Toreador, toreador, All hail the balls of a Toreador"). Enter Don Jose
(Aria: "I do not threaten, I besooch you") but Carmen repels him wants to
join with Escamillio now chaired by the crowd. Don Jose stabbs her (Aria:
"Oh rupture, rupture, you may arrest me. I did kill her") he sings "Oh my
beautiful Carmen, my subductive Carmen."
Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 06:55:46 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: May the force be with you
Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side
Consulting Group
An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group
for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would
like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of and
competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.
Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on
intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability
to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand
weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of
the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or
hand weapons.
Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills
(especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be
action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the
Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by
those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from
the University of Coruscant. Applicants should also be familiar with
holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license
(for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to
their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks
to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several
galactic languages.
Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other
living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire
would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)
Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is
extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous
severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing
allowance.
The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith
Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to
the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as
is the ability to see the future before it happens.
Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them
holographically to: jobs@darkside.com .
*****************************************************
Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a
long time ago. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of
harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term
desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our
partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control
and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered
organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective
of Tattooine, and many large software companies.
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1999 08:14:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Komodo dragons offended by SW: TPM
From "The Vermania Daily Outrage":
SIX-FOOT LIZARDS OFFENDED BY NEW STAR WARS MOVIE
KOMODO, Indonesia- Representatives of the Komodo dragon minority have
expressed deep concern over George Lucas' latest blockbuster, _Star Wars:
The Phantom Menace_, siting "deep reptillian stereotypes," among other
charges.
The Dragons, currently the largest lizards on earth, have taken their
protest to Skywalker Ranch, home of the Star Wars producer, recruiting
other reptiles, including geckos and terrapins, on their crusade. At a
press conference, Mr. Arthur Q. Sssss, leader of the movement, stated that
several characters in the movie, such as Jar Jar Binks and Sebulba,
"Deliberately reptillian," and that Natalie Portman's feathered
headdresses "mock ancient beliefs."
Mr. Sssss then paused to swallow a goat whole.
But monitor lizards aren't the only minority group to be offended. Puppet
communities across the country have noticed a disturbing lack of puppets
in the film, whereas the previous trilogy made frequent use of puppets.
Nutto Jones, an area dummy, says that this is "putting dozens of puppets
out of work." The puppets are reportedly forming an all-star concert in
protest, featuring such celebrities as beloved entertainer Charlie
McCarthy and MTV personalities Sifl & Olly. "We hope that Sock Aid will
increase public awareness of the millions of puppets that entertain and
educate us each day," says Jones.
When asked if he was taking a stand against the lizards' and puppets'
accusations, all Lucas had to say on the matter was "Security! Where the
hell are you, asleep?!"
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 08:03:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: for all of you that worked retail...
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising
in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by
8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed
back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was
punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to
the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the
person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 07:12:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Blame Canada
(From this week's Newsweek)
Blame Canada
The recent 'south Park' movie depicts a brutal war between Canada and
the United States, brought on by U.S. hatred of a pair of obscene Canadian
comics. Peri contacted some notable Canucks for their responses to the
film's aggressive anti-Canadian stance.
"In the event of war, we'd simply take our name off the map and America
would never be able to find us." - RICK MERCER, SATIRIST
"We have studied the portrayal of Canadians in this movie closely, and
we're f---ing dismayed that it portrays Canadians as foul-mouthed and
offensive." - KEVIN O'SHEA, CONSUL, PUBLIC AFFAIRS, CANADIAN CONSULATE OF
NEW YORK
"If Canada and the U.S. were to go to war, it would probably not be
widely reported in the American media." - LORNE MICHAELS, PRODUCER,
'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'
"History will remember 'South Park' not for the obscenities but for the
message the world failed to heed: Canada, the terrible tundra, is a force
to be feared." - GENERAL CLAIRE, FOUNDER, 'CANADIAN WORLD DOMINATION' WEB
SITE
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999 07:01:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: AOPA magazine
This is not an urban legend - I have the magazine in my hands right now.
Given the Kennedy crash, the irony is heavy on this - the AOPA (Aircraft
Owners and Pilots Association) magazine for July 99 features a Piper
Saratoga II HP on the cover, and the first article in it is: "In-flight
Emergencies: Ditching Tips"...
Boy, if they only knew...
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 07:04:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The First Round Of JFK, Jr. Jokes
(sigh) It had to happen...
--------------
Q. Why was JFK, Jr. flying to the Vineyard?
A. He wanted to crash his cousin's wedding.
Q. Why didn't JFK, Jr. take a shower before he left for the Vineyard?
A. He said he'd wash up on shore.
Q. What's the Kennedy's flying motto?
A. Your luggage will arrive before you do.
Q. What did JFK, Jr. miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
A. The runway.
Q. What was JFK Jr's final sexual experience?
A. Going down on Gay Head.
Q. What will they name the movie about movie JFK, Jr.?
A. Three Funerals and a Wedding.
Q. Why is JFK, Jr. worse than Ted Kennedy?
A. Ted drowns his women only one at a time.
Q: What was the most shocking aspect of the JFK crash?
A: Teddy was sober when he heard about it.
Q: What was the last thing JFK said to his housekeeper?
A: If you feed the dog, Carolyn and I will feed the fish.
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1999 07:15:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Words to REALLY live by...
"I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old
again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends
on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were
colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother
you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All
you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the
things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by
the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money
in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So....here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K
statements.
I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this
further, you'll have to catch me first, cause, Tag! You're it."
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 07:08:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Right Way To Do Sarcasm
The US Army's new tungsten bullet will still splatter your guts against
the wall, but at least the environment will be spared all that icky lead
contained in the traditional slug. According to Reuters, the Army is
replacing its lead bullets -- which leave a residue harmful to sediment,
surface water, and groundwater -- with tungsten-based slugs. Since the
pulverized organs of an enemy soldier are completely biodegradable, this
appears to be a win-win situation for all concerned.
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1999 07:12:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Humor for those of an age to get it...
The Top 15 Differences between Woodstock '69 and Woodstock '99
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
15> 1969: Three-mile long line of vans bringing flower children to a festival
of peace and love;
1999: Three-mile long line of vans bringing soccer children to state
junior tournament in nearby Poughkeepsie
14> 1969: First aid tents filled with people who overdosed on heroin and LSD.
1999: First aid tents filled with people who overdosed on Frappuccino and
Mountain Dew.
13> 1969: Smell of freshly rolled burning joint;
1999: Smell of freshly tattooed burning skin
12> 1969: Ignited a generation;
1999: Generated an ignition
11> 1969: 3 days of peace, love and understanding;
1999: 3 days of pay-per-view for $89.95
10> 1969: "Don't take the brown acid, man!";
1999: "Go easy on the tech stocks, man!"
9> 1969: "Don't stop the rock and roll!";
1999: "Stop, Drop and Roll!"
8> 1969: Bad acid makes everyone sick;
1999: MTV VJ Jessie Camp makes everyone sick
7> 1969: "Hey, beautiful, what's your sign?";
1999: "Hey, beautiful, what's your URL?"
6> 1969: 3-day ticket -- $18;
1999: 3 sodas -- $18
5> Dead 1969 alums: Janis, Jimi, and Jerry;
Dead 1999 alums: Peace and love
4> 1969: Go naked for that one-with-nature feeling;
1999: Go naked and have your photo end up all over the internet
3> 1969: "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose";
1999: Freedom's just another word for a gassed up SUV and a debit card
2> 1969: Firing up a joint during the show;
1999: Burning down the joint after the show
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference between Woodstock '69 and Woodstock
'99...
1> 1969: "We are stardust...";
1999: "We are Starbucks..."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1999 07:00:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Count
**The Count**
Once upon a time, there was a very rich count whose magnificent castle
overlooked a very poor peasant village. One day, a vigilante group of
villagers stormed the castle and demanded to see the count. When he
appeared they asked for some of his gold so they could buy food for their
children. The haughty count refused to help saying all his gold was for
him alone, and they should get off his property.
Angered by such a selfish attitude, the villagers took the count
prisoner and began to search the castle. They couldn't find any gold and
demanded that the count tell them where he had hidden it, but he refused
to talk.
The posse then took the count to the castle dungeons and began to
torture him, but he bravely refused to reveal his hiding places.
The village butcher approached with a hatchet in his huge hands and
said, "Tell us where the gold is, or we'll have to kill you. The count was
in agony, but steadfastly refused to talk. "Okay," said the dimwit butcher
finally, "For the last time, tell us where you've hidden your fortune or
I'll chop off your head."
Silence.
Whack! And the count's head rolled into the sawdust.
"Why'd you do that?" grumbled another villager. "Now he'll never tell us
where it is."
And the moral of this story is?
Don't hatchet your counts before they've chickened.
(You may now groan loudly.)
Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1999 07:51:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Rules for dealing with Technical Support
A peek into the thoughts of computer techs worldwide... an end user's
guide to how to deal with technical services.
1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee.
It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life,
and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it
at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.
4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your
guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and
are always ready to think about fixing computers.
5. When a tech is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him
a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is
to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and
flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual
greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and
wait exactly 24 hours before you send an eMail straight to the director
because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it, right?
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair
with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love
a good mystery.
11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a
setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we
just love to hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother.
We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go
around and update the network drivers for you and all your coworkers.
We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat
your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on
this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your
dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were
designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs,
nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes
button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be
doing it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about
that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support.
Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary
to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a
third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a
high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and
processor capacity on that mail server.
27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller
chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the
queue.
28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery store on
weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on
the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there
for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access
database flip out.
30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the
office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to
playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at
the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...