June 2000...
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 10:38:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: .sig OTD
" But he is the toughest guy in France..."
" Big deal, thats like saying the Cookie Monster is the the toughest
Muppet."
-unattributed.
Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 09:37:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Dr. Laura letter
I have recieved this one several times, with multiple attributions.
So, you are getting the message, but not who wrote it - as there seems to
be some doubt. :) Apparently, though, Dr Laura came out and asserted that
homosexuality is an abomination, just as it says in the Bible. The
response:
-----
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I
have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with
as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice
from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best
follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for
her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do
I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around
us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not
Canadians. Can you clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 2000 10:34:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: 3 bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just
waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he
roars.
Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I
haven't made the porridge yet!!"
Date: Tue, 6 Jun 2000 11:12:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Cheers!!!
Did you ever wish you could remember Norm's greetings on "Cheers"?
SAM: "What's shaking Norm?"
NORM: "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
SAM: "What's new Normie?"
NORM: "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding
beer."
SAM: "What'd you like Normie?"
NORM: "A reason to live. Give me another beer."
SAM: "What'll you have Normie?"
NORM: "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever
comes out of that tap."
SAM: "Looks like beer, Norm."
NORM: "Call me Mister Lucky."
SAM: "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
NORM: "Like a baby treats a diaper."
WOODY: "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The Bobsie twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
NORM: "I know. If she calls, I'm not here."
SAM: "Beer, Norm?"
NORM: "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
SAM: "Whatcha up to Norm?"
NORM: "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Poor."
WOODY: "I'm sorry to hear that."
NORM: "No, I mean pour."
SAM: "How's life treating you Norm?"
NORM: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
SAM: "What's going down, Normie?"
NORM: "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
WOODY: "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Alright, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty."
WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
SAM: "What's the story, Norm?"
NORM: "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
WOODY: "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please,
Woody."
WOODY: "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
WOODY: "For a beer?"
NORM: "No, for stupid questions."
SAM: "What's up, Norm?"
NORM: "My nipples!! It's cold out there!"
NORM: "I'll have a beer Sammy".
SAM: "Don't you think it's a little early Norm, It's only 11!"
NORM: "Yeah you're right Sammy, float a Corn Flake in it!"
Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 10:15:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: viewpoint is important
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he
emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said
a prayer."Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not
misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked
Him to help you put up with me."
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 2000 09:32:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Bad Day Stories
In case you were having a bad day ...
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. Exactly one minute later, in full view, they
were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After
weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her
mentally retarded.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his
arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his
Walkman.
4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And finally.......
5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on
it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Date: Fri, 9 Jun 2000 10:02:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Are you reading that paper?
The scene: The "F" train of the subway line in New York City.
I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd
finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends
on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.
A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked the
second most stupid question I've ever heard (someday I may tell of the
first), "Are you reading that paper?" I stood up, turned the page, sat
down on the paper and answered, "Yes."
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2000 12:05:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark
***SOME CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK***
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder: What the F*** was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell
til I met you."
"As the days go by, everyday I think of how lucky I am that you're not
here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all of the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before
this!"
"Congratulations on your new promotion. Before you go, would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope I get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So
here's his leash, water bowl, and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the
father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there
was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so
we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Tennessee, Arkansas and
W. Virginia)
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2000 08:47:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Town Gossip
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, publicly
accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic because she saw his
pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening,
he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all
night.
Date: Wed, 14 Jun 2000 12:14:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Teenagers and Cats
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know
why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on
them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind
wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your
teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that
ultimate human ecstasy a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return
in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your
bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best source of advice is not
other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats on hand at all times.
And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any
sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will
finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a
triumphant moment for all concerned.
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 07:52:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Thoughts about life, redux
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great
risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke
of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct
it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back
you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current
situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each
other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 10:35:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Don'cha Just Love Those English Blokes
'Ladies' and 'gentlemen': Please avoid such words
By Jennifer Harper
THE WASHINGTON TIMES
Heavens, don't call her a lady.
And forget about "gentleman," "history," "chairman," "manmade," "Mrs.,"
"normal couple" and "postman" - along with 32 other terms.
They have all been deemed "unacceptable language" by the exquisitely
sensitive folks at Stockport College in northwestern England and banned
from the campus.
College officials issued a set of guidelines called "Equal
Opportunities: Policy into Practice" last week to some 15,000 students and
employees.
Anyone caught using such offensive blasphemies could be denied admission
or employment at the college, which offers vocational classes in business,
tourism, child care and something called "complementary therapies,
hairdressing and floristry."
To make sure no one errs, officials will "make it a condition of service
and admission that employees and students adhere to this policy," which
seeks to protect the feelings of the Irish, senior citizens, gay groups,
the disabled and "black people."
Words like "history" and "postman" were "sexist," "lady" and
"gentleman" had "unwanted class implications." No one can say "queer" or
"cripple" except in cases where "gay or disabled people have reclaimed
them."
Gone too are the phrases "man on the street," "mixed race" and "bird,"
unless it is of the feathered variety. The guidelines also banned "crazy,"
"mad" or "manic" on the grounds they could be "offensive to some with mental
health problems."
"We vigorously pursue an equal-opportunities policy, and we try to be as
politically correct as possible without being tedious," noted Richard Tuson,
the college's spokesman.
Others beg to differ.
"It's amazing the academics are still indulging in this sort of
nonsense. It is political correctness of the worst kind," said Nick Seaton
of the traditionalist Campaign for Real Education.
"The only person who might be offended by the word 'history' is a
radical feminist," he said. "It is a word that has been used for hundreds
of years."
Last year, Mr. Seaton took on one educator who proposed that little boys
try cross-dressing to increase their sensitivities and thus enhance their
reading skills. He also criticized officials who recently allowed children
time off to watch the European championship soccer match.
Stockport College should concentrate on education, Mr. Seaton said, and
forgo "trying to ban words which any ordinary person would regard as an
everyday part of the English language."
Officials at the college, located just outside Manchester, are sticking
by their guns, even after several British newspapers printed their earnest
list of no-no words yesterday, complete with jocular commentary.
"Perhaps officials at Manchester's Stockport College should change their
mailing address to Person-chester," noted one wag.
The college recently sponsored a Diversity Day featuring "clowns of a
mature age" and a children's steel band. The student body, though, may be
a spirited bunch. The student union features a bar called The 4Play Zone.
"Saturday night are 'aving it," an advertisement notes. "Music! Mayhem!
Madness!"
Language issues also seem to weigh heavily on other members of the
British populace.
Last week, the National Employment Service banned the words
"hard-working," "enthusiastic" and "reliable" from a newspaper ad,
claiming they compromised the 1999 Disability Discrimination Act.
The ban later was repealed by David Blunkett, England's education and
employment secretary, who dismissed the whole thing as "insulting to suggest
a disabled person cannot be reliable, hard-working and enthusiastic."
The massive Oxford English Dictionary, meanwhile, has tried to suggest a
few parameters for PC run amok.
Using "flight attendant" rather than "stewardess" was reasonable, the
dictionary advises. "But to change such words as 'manhandle' and 'manhole'
is ridiculous."
Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2000 13:54:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: procedure
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had
to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000 11:05:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: possible bumper stickers
Bumper Stickers we'd like to See:
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed
it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those
who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak...
Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2000 10:12:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: hair questions
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father
said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study
the bible a little, and get your hair cut; then we'll talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could
use the car. His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought
your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been
thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had
long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2000 09:30:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: nut distribution
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery
fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the
tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He
slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for
me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at
the cemetery.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling
along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I
heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing
by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see
if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through
the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they
heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's
all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.
Date: Fri, 23 Jun 2000 10:50:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: posterity?
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the
newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, an outraged friend of the
family phoned and complained, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought
it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather
than the big shit that he really was."
Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2000 07:20:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Golf
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At
the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and
the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to
pass by.
The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his
chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it
passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One
of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I
can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to
pay your respects."
"Well, we were married for 25 years..."
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2000 07:30:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Altoids and Oral Sex
from the Web site of a friend of mine...
-----
Questions That Demand Answers:
Altoids and Oral Sex
Submitted by Rednikki, Feb 16 1998.
New Information!! (Posted Nov 24, 1998)
In the interests of science, late Saturday night an experiment was
carried out involving a man, a woman, and Wintergreen Altoids. Please
note: Wintergreen Altoids may be more or less potent than regular ones
(the test subjects suspected less) so your mileage may vary.
THE MALE SUBJECT: The male, on the receiving end, described the
sensation as "icy hot, like Vick's Vap-O-Rub" (he was not asked where he
found the basis for comparison with Vick's) and stated that, while he
did not find it unpleasant, he understood why some might. He also stated
that, given the choice between fellatio involving Wintergreen Altoids
and crushed ice on a long road trip, he'd take the crushed ice.
THE FEMALE SUBJECT: The female subject, on the receiving end, was heard
from the street to scream, "Jumping Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, just
DON'T STOP!!!" She liked the sensation. She really, really liked the
sensation. A lot. She noted that intermittent blowing on the licked area
really added to the experience.
Many sacrifices must be made for science, and I'd like to thank the two
test subjects for giving up a decent night's sleep in order to find out
the answer to this question.
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000 11:05:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: confession questions
An elderly Frenchman decides his number could soon be up and it was
about time he unloaded his sins onto the priest.
"Father, during World War 2 I let a woman stay in my attic to avoid the
Germans."
"My son, that is nothing to confess, fear not, God will be very pleased
with you." replies the priest.
"Well Father, there's a bit more to it, I said that in return for the
attic she must pay me with sexual favors."
"My dear son, let it not concern you, for you yourself would have been
executed had the Germans found you were hiding her. God will see that it
was a small price for the girl to pay, given the mitigating
circumstances."
"Thank you father, I feel a whole lot better now Ive got that off my
chest. There's just one last thing though."
"Yes my son, what is it?"
"Do you think I should tell her the war's over?"
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 07:06:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: ummmm.... not quite...
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.
"What's wrong?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in
your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past
his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is
his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
You rotten bastard, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack
and you're running around naked scaring the kids!
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 09:27:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: From the Florida Keys Keynoter
Bumper sticker of the week:
"Liberal-arts major: Will think for food."
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...