Date: Mon, 3 Jun 2002 07:43:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD (and a good .sig)

  Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet
measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can
calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a
distance of about 35 feet. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.
Well, the tall ones, anyway. -- Unknown

Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 06:17:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD 

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2002 06:52:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're best at,
that's what I say."
-- Doctor Who

Date: Thu, 6 Jun 2002 14:29:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  from The B-Movie Glossary

A sample:
  Theory of Conservation of Ninjitsu: a cinematic theory proposed and more
or less proven by empiricism. The theory states: "the more ninjas there
are in a group, the less skilled the individual ninja is." If one ninja
attacks you, you're probably fucked, but if a hundred ninjas attack you,
you'll be fine. An army of ninjas is so laughably inept as to not be worth
mentioning.

  This is further enhanced by the Wilde-Mueller-Meyer Corollary: in any
group of ninjas, there is apparently a finite and fluid amount of skill.
As ninjas are whittled down from the main group, the survivors will grow
more skilled as their numbers decrease. Assuming a roughly equal initial
division of skill, the last five ninjas out of a group of a hundred are
always the most dangerous of the lot, even if they were demonstrably
fuckups at the beginning of the fight, and the lone surviving ninja is
just as dangerous as if he'd been the only ninja to begin with, if not
moreso, due to his rage and grief making him an unstoppable killing
machine.

Date: Fri, 7 Jun 2002 09:08:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Linguistic food?

  The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

  On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

  Conclusion: Eat what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Date: Mon, 10 Jun 2002 06:47:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  geek QOTD

"USENET would be a better laboratory if there were more labor and less
oratory."
-- Elizabeth Haley

Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 06:21:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. They're attracted by what I don't
mind... "
-- Gypsy Rose Lee

Date: Wed, 12 Jun 2002 06:23:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  a thought

  Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs, and Hillary got $8
million for hers.

  That's $20 million for two people who for eight years repeatedly
testified they couldn't remember anything.

  Go figure..... but on the other hand, how much did Reagan get for his?

Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2002 09:44:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  geek .sig OTD

We're sysadmins. To us, data is a protocol-overhead.

Date: Fri, 14 Jun 2002 10:59:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  going a bit far

  A incredibly henpecked husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself.

  "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you
are her equal."

  Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams
the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on,
you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get
it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm
going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you
belong. And another thing...you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust
my pants, and then tie my bow tie?"

  "I certainly do," says his wife calmly. "The undertaker."

Date: Mon, 17 Jun 2002 08:54:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Geography lesson

YOU ARE IN ALASKA WHEN...

a..  You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
b..  Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
c..  You have more than one recipe for moose.
d..  Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
e..  The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

YOU'RE IN THE SOUTH WHEN...

a..  You get a movie and bait in the same store.
b..  "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
c..  After a year you still hear, "Y'all ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
d..  "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

YOU'RE IN COLORADO WHEN...

a..  You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
b..  You tell your husband to pick up granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center to pick up your child.
c..  A pass does not involve a football or dating.
d..  The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
e..  Your bridal registry is at REI.

YOU'RE IN THE MIDWEST WHEN...

a..  You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
b..  Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
c..  You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
d..  You end sentences with a preposition "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall, I wanna go with."
e..  Your first job was detasseling corn.
f..  When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different."
g..  You consult the football schedule before planning your wedding date.

YOU'RE ON THE WEST COAST WHEN...

a..  You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your own house.
b..  The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
c..  The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
d..  You know how to eat an artichoke.
e..  You drive to your neighborhood block party.

YOU'RE IN NEW YORK CITY WHEN...

a..  You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean the Borough of Manhattan.
b..  You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
c..  You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
d..  You think Central Park is "nature".
e..  You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
f..  You've even worn out a car horn.
g..  You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 09:33:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  12 thoughts for the day

Gentle thoughts for today:

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends..

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.

13. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS"
together it spells "THEIRS"?

Date: Wed, 19 Jun 2002 06:32:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

"A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other."

Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 10:46:09 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

Microsoft is to operating systems & security ....
                              .... what McDonalds is to gourmet cooking

Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 08:42:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD

  "If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research,
would it?"
-- Albert Einstein

Date: Mon, 24 Jun 2002 08:02:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
with my breakfast cereal."
-- Zaphod Beeblebrox

Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 09:09:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  well, that's what it says...

  A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play
date.

  "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over
at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it
isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do
you weigh?"

  "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are
really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did
you and daddy get a divorce?"

  "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away
as the two friends begin to play.

  "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

  "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that
night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are
32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

  "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and
shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl
continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

  "Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl
replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 08:04:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  um... wait...

  My 7 yr old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was recovering
from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the tv was my
boyfriend, he entertained me all the time. The tv set was old and would
just shut itself off for no reason. I'd give it a few hard wacks on the
side and it would come back on, was no big deal to me. The pastor stopped
by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I
was trying to get the tv to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was
busy. My little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her
boyfriend".

Date: Thu, 27 Jun 2002 08:58:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing at the moment."
-- Robert Benchley

Date: Fri, 28 Jun 2002 08:10:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  painful funny QOTD

"Lets just say I know how to make any band sound like The Who."
-John Entwistle

Rest in peace, Ox.