Date: Mon, 2 Jun 2003 07:52:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD - not humor, but an affirmation

"I have a medal from the city of New York that tells me my husband died in
the line of duty, and I would appreciate if at this memorial, it says that
my husband died in the line of duty. I do not see my husband as a victim."

-- Ann Van Hine, who lost her firefighter husband, Richard, upon hearing
that the Lower Manhattan Development Corporation, (the city-state agency
overseeing the memorial and rebuilding on the trade center site) decreed
that the memorial not differentiate between the victims and those who died
on duty. From CNN 5/30/03.

Date: Tue, 3 Jun 2003 07:48:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Kiwi Humor

The wit of  His Excellency John Wood, the Ambassador to the United
States from New Zealand --

"New Zealand, as you may know, is often referred to as 'a tiny island
nation in the southwest Pacific'. This irks me somewhat, as New Zealand is
somewhat larger in land area than Great Britain, and you never hear the
Old Blighty referred to as 'a tiny island nation in the northeast
Altantic'."

"New Zealand is composed of two main islands, poetically named the North
Island, which is to the north, and the South Island, which is to the
south. There is a third, rather larger island in the formation called the
West Island which New Zealanders do not like to talk about."

"Despite the country's small size, we boast a population of over 150
million, which breaks down demographically as follows: 30 million sheep,
20 million cattle, 80 million opossums who are all emigrants from the West
Island, 6 million ducks, and 4 million people."

"We just reached 4 million last Thursday, but I have no information yet as
to whether that was a birth or an immigration. I think the latter more
likely."

"With typical pomposity, we refer to ourselves as Kiwis, after our
national bird, which... er... cannot fly, has hair instead of feathers,
and is capable of producing only a pathetic whimpering noise. This is not
to be confused with the kiwi fruit, which looks similar but has a wider
range of emotions."

Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2003 08:09:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "If you want me to be a good little bunny just dangle some carats in
front of my nose."
-- Lauren Bacall

Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2003 07:55:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  On this day in 1884, Civil War hero General William T. Sherman refused
the Republican Presidential nomination, saying, "I will not accept if
nominated and will not serve if elected."

Date: Fri, 6 Jun 2003 08:39:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  a message

I shall seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and control you . . .

I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you grunt and groan . .

I will make you beg for mercy . . .

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave . . .

And you will be weak for days . . .

All my love . . .

The Flu

Date: Mon, 9 Jun 2003 13:43:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

Off of one of the mailing lists on my server during a political
discussion...

-----

"We are exporting democracy becuase we have all of this unused democracy
lying around at home. Why not make some money doing it?"

Date: Tue, 10 Jun 2003 07:39:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  today in history

  On this day in 1692, in Salem Village in the Massachusetts Bay Colony,
Bridget Bishop, the first colonist to be tried in the Salem witch trials,
was hanged after being found guilty of the practice of witchcraft.

Date: Wed, 11 Jun 2003 08:49:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  behind the priest's collar

  A little boy, not accustomed to seeing a priest in his "work uniform,"
went up to the priest and asked, "Why do you dress so funny?"

  The priest replied, "This is the uniform that I wear when I work."

  The child, still staring at him, asked, "Do you have a boo boo?"

  The priest was somewhat puzzled, but quickly figured out that the child
was looking at his white and black Roman collar. The priest pulled out the
white plastic insert and showed it to the child, telling him that it was
also part of his uniform.

  On the back side of the collar there was some writing: "Wash with warm
soapy water." The priest showed this to the little boy and then asked him,
"Do you know what these words say?"

  The little boy, obviously much too young to read, stated, "I sure do."

  The priest, a little taken aback, then replied, "OK then, tell me what
they say."

  The little boy then replied, "Kills fleas and ticks for up to six
months!"

Date: Thu, 12 Jun 2003 08:01:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Dam Concern

I am pretty sure this has been sent out before; but it is funny, I do not
remember when (a function of years), and it is actually true, so... to
recycle an oldie but goodie:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.htm

-----

  This was an actual letter sent to Ryan De Vries from The Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read
this guy's response - but read the entire letter before you get to the
response.

  --------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Ryan De Vries
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. De Vries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-xxxx
Montcalm, County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:  Construction and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring
Pond.  A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of
activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations.  We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the
dams from the stream channel.  All restoration work shall be completed no
later than January 31, 1998.  Please notify this office when the
restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be
scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any
further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being
referred for elevated enforcement action.  We anticipate and would
appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price:

e: DEQ File No. 97-59-xxxx;

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.
First of all,  Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or
contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.  I am the legal owner and a
couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my
Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
skillful use of natural building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.  As to your request, I do not
think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit
prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451
of the Public  Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to  324.30113 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
destitute and are unable to pay for said representation so the State will
have to provide them with a dam lawyer.  The Department's dam concern that
either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing
flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department
is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond
Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If
you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please
contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English)
- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not
going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these
dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am
sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam
department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous
and truly will not permit their existence in this State, I seriously hope
you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy or once again both the
Spring Pond Beavers and I will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural
resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the
beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. why wait until 1/31/98?  The Spring
Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for
you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears
are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are
going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!  (The bears are not
careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request,
and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am
sending this response to your day office via another government
organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

Date: Fri, 13 Jun 2003 08:13:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  I'll ask...

  A mountain farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a
neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12
opened the door.

  "Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked.

  "No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

  "Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?"

  "No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."

  "How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"

  "He went with ma and pa."

  The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

  "Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I know
where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer pa."

  "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to yer
pa. It's about your brother, Joe, getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant."

  The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about
that", he finally conceded.   "But if it helps you any, I know that pa
charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog but I really don't know
how much he gets for Joe."

Date: Mon, 16 Jun 2003 10:16:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  It's all in the name...

  Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells
her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls
him 'Father'."

  The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks
into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

  This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

  Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first
three women give her this subtle "Well...?" So she replies, "My son is a
gorgeous, 6'2" hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people
say, "Oh, my God...'."

Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2003 07:38:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  today in history...

On this day in 1972, five burglars were arrested inside the Democratic
national headquarters in the Watergate complex in Washington, DC.

Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2003 08:19:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
of zeal, well meaning but without understanding."
-- Louis Brandeis, Olmstead v. United States, 277 U. S. 438,479 [1928]

Date: Thu, 19 Jun 2003 06:47:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"It's very, very easy not to be offended by a book. You just have to shut
it. To say that the book which you have not opened, which you have not
read, which you do not possess, offends you seems to me to be not just a
peculiar position but a reprehensible position."
-- Salman Rushdie

Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2003 07:39:40 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  today's irony spotting

  Driving into Tyson's Corner this morning, I saw a Hummer with a license
plate that read "8 MPG". I could have handled that without laughing; it
was the fact that this guy had a customized "Nature Conservationist" plate
that made it funny enough to send to y'all...

Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2003 08:00:05 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Army: A body of men assembled to rectify the mistakes of the diplomats."
- Josephus Daniels

Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 06:51:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  test taking

  The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... two men
and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow
your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.  Inside this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

  The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

  The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

  The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man
came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The
agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."!

 Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill
her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

  The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow.

  "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2003 08:09:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Non-cooperation with evil is a sacred duty."
-- Mohandas Gandhi

Date: Mon, 30 Jun 2003 07:51:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

" About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends."
--Herbert Hoover