Date: Tue, 1 Jun 2004 08:07:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a 
rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best."
-- P.J. O'Rourke

Date: Wed, 2 Jun 2004 08:06:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Just a few magic words...

  As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by 
a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. 
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him 
down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

  Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of 
an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping 
the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, 
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers 
something into the boy's ear.

  Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and 
quietly fastens his seat belt.

  All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General 
slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches 
his sleeve.

  "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic 
words you used on that little boy?"

  The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my 
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they 
entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I 
choose."

Date: Thu, 3 Jun 2004 07:35:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about
surviving until Friday afternoon." 
-- Sir Humphrey Appleby

Date: Fri, 4 Jun 2004 07:34:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The future is a race between education and catastrophe." 
-- H.G. Wells

Date: Mon, 7 Jun 2004 07:44:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  oddest submision in a while

  "Her life was ok.  Sometimes she wished she was sleeping with the right 
man instead of her dog, but she never thought she was sleeping with the 
wrong dog."

Date: Tue, 8 Jun 2004 07:53:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bumper sticker OTD

"What Would Jesus Bomb?"

Date: Wed, 9 Jun 2004 07:29:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time 
of it."  
-- Oscar Wilde

Date: Thu, 10 Jun 2004 07:53:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  A Vast List of One-Liners

Some are new to me, some not... YMMV. Enjoy!

---

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Date: Fri, 11 Jun 2004 07:27:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint." 
-- Mark Twain 

Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2004 07:38:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  point of view

  A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a naked
man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he 
noticed that one of the young ladies had sketched the man with an 
erection.

  The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

  She replied, "What other way???"

Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 07:35:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender." 
-- Anne Boleyn 

Date: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 07:39:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  horizontal or vertical?

  A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, 
meets with their rabbi for counseling.

  The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

  The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with 
men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your
permission to dance together."

  "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always
dance separately."

  "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

  "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

  "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

  "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to
have children!"

  "What about different positions?" asks the man.

  "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

  "Woman on top?" the man asks.

  "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

  "On the kitchen table?"

  "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

  "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of 
vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

  "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

  "Can we do it standing up?"

  "NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.

  "Why not?" asks the man.

  "Could lead to dancing."

Date: Thu, 17 Jun 2004 07:43:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  The Exam

  A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go 
into the room and wait for the doctor.

  After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, 
"Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

  "Breast fed" she replied.

  "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

  She did.

  He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed
examination.

  Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. 
You don't have any milk."

  "Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."

Date: Fri, 18 Jun 2004 08:55:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Genesis-Modern Version

I think this is growing with the years...

-----

  In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was 
without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

  And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

  And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.

  And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, 
and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

  And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

  And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let 
them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air 
and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing 
that creepeth upon the Earth."

  And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he 
them.

  And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

  And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

  And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, 
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long 
and healthy lives.

  And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 
79-cent double cheeseburger.

  And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"

  And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

  And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure 
that man found so fair.

  And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

  And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

  And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

  And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil 
with which to cook them."

  And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own 
platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the 
roof.
 
  And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra 
pounds.

  And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would 
not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained 
another 20 pounds.

  And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

  And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and 
brimming with nutrition.

  And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy 
center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour 
cream dip.

  And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in 
cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into 
cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

  And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

  Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the 
nourishing whole grain brown rice.

  And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with 
alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of 
the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.

  And Man gained another ten pounds.

  And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the 
land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

  And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

  And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the 
divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the 
seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

  And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.

  And God created exercise machines with easy payments.

  And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine 
went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

  And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from 
Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 07:58:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Discretion

  Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when 
Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead 
at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five 
continue playing.

  Standing up, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So who is gonna tell 
the wife?"  So they draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, gentle, and not to make the bad situation any 
worse.  "Discreet, I'm the most discreet mensch you'll ever meet.  
Discretion is my middle name.  Leave it to me."

  Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. 
The wife answers and asks what he wants.  Goldberg declares, "Your husband 
just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

  The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"

  "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 08:53:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to 
any question." 
-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 

Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2004 08:35:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  the difference between the US and Europe

In Europe a 100 miles is a long distance.
In the US a 100 years is a long time.

Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 09:32:46 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Our bottom line is that if we can put millions of joules of energy onto a 
target, something will happen."

US Navy spokeman, upon reports of refitting of US Navy ships with railguns 
in the next several fiscal years...

Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 08:50:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  heard on radio on way in to work this am

"Did you hear about VP Cheney? Told Senator Leahy to go and "eff" 
himself... on the floor of the Senate... and then says it made him feel 
better. I would have no problem with that, except for the fact that this 
man would, if I quoted him directly on the air, would then have me 
prosecuted for indecency..."

Date: Tue, 29 Jun 2004 08:41:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  something I read 

The Wall 

by Alfred A. Hambidge, Jr.

The snow was coming down pretty heavy as I walked towards the National 
Mall. I've always liked walking during a snowstorm; everything seems so 
quiet, every noise is muffled, even here in D.C. And this storm was a 
doozy, hammering much of the East Coast.

I don't know why, but I started heading for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. 
There weren't many people there; few visit during weather like this. As I 
walked by the panels, relishing the stillness, I came upon a man in 
fatigues. Though one of those floppy green hats covered his head, he 
seemed under dressed considering the cold.

The area around him was devoid of wind and snow, as if the Wall created a 
sheltered harbor from the storm. He was staring at one panel, at a spot 
about chest high. Upon my approach, he said to no one in particular, 
"Goddamn bastards are doing it again." The sound of his voice startled me; 
I flinched, and stopped. He turned to look at me.

"We never learn, do we?" he asked. My quizzical look made him chuckle, and 
he continued as he turned back toward the Wall: "It never ceases to amaze 
me what we let ourselves be turned into cannon fodder for. We let 
ourselves get talked into all sorts of horror, and only after the body 
bags start piling up do we begin to wonder why."

We both knew he had my attention now. "Know how many names are here?" he 
asked. "Something like 50,000," I replied. "You make it sound like a 
goddamn statistic" he said, "There's Fifty Eight Thousand Two Hundred And 
Twenty Nine names on this Wall." He said the words slowly, enunciating 
each one.

"Fifty Eight Thousand Two Hundred And Twenty Nine. Every one of them a 
son; a brother, or a father, a husband, a cousin, a lover, a neighbor, a 
friend. Fifty Eight Thousand Two Hundred And Twenty Nine boys brought home 
in boxes. For what? For fuckin' nothing. And now the bastards are gonna do 
it again."

"You mean Iraq ?" I asked. "That isn't gonna be for nothing. Saddam is 
dangerous, he has to be stopped."

The man could barely conceal his contempt. "Give me a break. A danger to 
who? Us here in the U.S. of A.? Is his navy off our coast? Is his air 
force flying over our cities? The only danger he poses is to his 
neighbors, maybe, and they're so worried about it that they're willing to 
let us die for them, but won't fight him themselves. And they want us to 
pay them for the privilege. With friends like that...." His voice trailed 
off. "Maybe you're right," he finally said, "this isn't for nothing. It's 
for oil."

My raised eyebrows made him shake his head, and he went on: "I don't know 
what's worse. Killing people over political philosophy, like in my time, 
or for oil. Hey, at least this time we might get something for our blood. 
Like ol' Tecumseh Sherman said, 'Nations go to war when there is something 
to be got by it'. Now oil can be got by it. After a great start, we're 
gonna be no different than any other empire that came down the historical 
pike.

"And I know what you're gonna say next. 'He sponsors terrorism'. Where's 
the proof? I thought we were going after bin Laden for that. But wait, 
Afghanistan ain't got any oil. So we need another monster, who's got 
something worth taking. And Saddam is so damn convenient. Yeah, he's an 
evil sonovabitch who deserves to be taken out, but are we the ones who 
should do it? Are our kids the ones who should die for it? Is he worth 
another Wall like this?

"And what the hell is terrorism, anyway? It's not a thing; it's not a 
place; it's not a person. It is a political and military strategy, that's 
all. Having a 'War On Terrorism' is as ridiculous as having a 'War on 
Flanking Maneuvers'. You'll end terrorism when there's no longer anything 
for anybody to get pissed off about."

"As for now, maybe if we looked at why people are pissed at us, we'd begin 
to understand. Hell, it doesn't matter whether they're right or wrong; 
it's what they perceive that motivates them. What you have to address is 
why they perceive things as they do. Only then will you start to get a 
clue. And spare me the bullshit about them hating us because of our 
freedom. We haven't been truly free in a long time. And now we're letting 
all this demagoguery convince us to give up what little liberty we have 
left. Big Brother Lives!

"Look at history, man. The Romans began with a republic, just like we did. 
The freedom and prosperity that followed made them complacent, apathetic. 
They became fat and happy, and mistakenly figured that government was 
responsible. Since their government was such a Good Thing, it didn't need 
watching, so few paid it any attention. Those with a knack for politics 
took advantage of that to increase their power, and also their stash. 
Eventually the republic degraded into an empire, and suffered the fate of 
all empires. They go broke trying to keep control of every place they've 
conquered.

"We're heading down the same road. Only this time, it's happening faster. 
It took three, four centuries for Rome to decline and fall. We might do it 
in three or four decades. Hell, maybe three or four years. Or months! Who 
the hell knows?"

He paused for a moment; I could see him trying to calm his breathing. He 
began to slowly read from the Wall, his eyes moving randomly over the 
panel. "David T. Hilton. William C. Langham. John A. Gibson. Richard 
Galan. Danny Lee Frye. Cecil D. Lamm. All these boys blown off the face of 
the Earth, because we just can't keep our noses out of what's happening on 
the other side of the world. Ever read George Washington's Farewell 
Address?"

I shook my head. "He told us not to concern ourselves with what other 
countries are doing to and amongst themselves. He said it would just get 
us mired in a big mess. But did we listen? Nooooo. He warned us! Jefferson 
warned us! Most all of the Founders warned us! John Quincy Adams, about 
thirty years later, said 'America does not go out in search of monsters to 
destroy.' Well, now we do, John Q.

"You know what I finally figured out? People don't start wars. Countries 
don't start wars. It's governments that start wars. Fuckin' governments. 
And we go along with it. Whenever you see a problem, social or economic or 
political, and think that government should do something about the 
problem, do a little homework and you'll probably find that government is 
the source of the problem. And war is just the epitome of government 
problem solving. So what if a majority thinks that this coming war is 
right. The majority is just something that government manufactures and 
manipulates to give the appearance of legitimacy to what government does.

"And as for those government bozos who say that those who question their 
plans and motives is unpatriotic and aiding the enemy, well, they can just 
kiss my ass."

I stared at the ground. Thirty years of fear, of doubt, of anger, of hurt, 
of rage, was coming out of him in a rush. It made me uncomfortable, but I 
couldn't move from that spot; I wanted him to continue. He seemed to sense 
this.

"You know what really galls me? How those that seem to yell loudest for 
war have never seen one. They've never seen a buddy disappear from the 
waist up after a shell hit, then see his legs stand there for a moment 
before falling over. They never saw a friend all psyched up about going 
home tomorrow after finishing his tour get hit in the belly with shrapnel, 
see his guts spill out, then watch him try to gather up his intestines 
lying in the dirt.

"They never saw what napalm does do a little girl's skin. They never saw a 
19-year-old from Iowa screaming and writhing on the ground because a mine 
blew his legs off. They never saw a man take a bullet through the brain, 
then watch his body flop around on the ground for a minute or so because 
it doesn't realize he's dead. They never put pieces of someone into a bag, 
not knowing who it was until you read the tags, because there wasn't any 
face left to go along with the other parts. They haven't seen the shit 
I've seen, and they want to do it all over again. Those bastards!

"But what really makes me mad is how those who should know better seem to 
have forgotten. All those vets in Congress, POW's even, who know what I'm 
talking about, but will go along with the calls for war because it's 
politically expedient. Don't they remember? Do they really want another 
generation of kids to experience that shit? Have they gotten so accustomed 
to the trappings of power that people are just pawns, tools, mere things 
to be manipulated for their own ends? DO THEY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE 
DOING?

"But it doesn't matter. We'll let them do it anyway."

He began walking away, head up but eyes looking down. As he receded into 
the swirling snow, I saw him raise his face to the storm, toward Capitol 
Hill. "DAMN YOU BASTARDS!" was the last thing I heard as he disappeared 
into the white.

I turned to the panel next to me. The wind and snow came heavier now; I 
hunched my shoulders and lowered my face. My gaze fell upon names near the 
bottom. William R. Hunt. David F. Bowman. Hector L. Sanchez. David W. 
Wooden. Gary B. Jones. Oscar L. Thomas. Ramon Hernandez Torres. Thomas C. 
Mays. Woodrow D. Adler. Jonathan Blue Jr.

I wept.