June 1998...
Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 09:41:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: This lady needs to get out more.
...from News of the Weird...
In February, Cambridge (England) University researcher Fiona Hunter, who
studied penguins' mating habits for five years, reported that some females
apparently allow male strangers to mate with them in exchange for a few
nest-building stones, thus providing what Hunter believes is the first
observed animal prostitution. According to Dr. Hunter, all activity was
done behind the back of the female's regular mate, and in a few instances,
after the sex act, johns gave the females additional stones as sort of a
tip.
Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 09:50:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: a thinking man
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the
train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no
lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman
were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand
against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia
Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to
kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes
through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English
idiot again."
Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 10:56:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: What's in a Name?
True Story or Urban Legend? You figure it out...
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the
following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to
supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem
reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the
present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be
prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company
cheque. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to
present these to their banks. The name of the company is
'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.
Date: Thu, 4 Jun 1998 09:45:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Brutal.
I know a lot of you are not from DC... but roll with it...
Marion Barry, Please Don't Go!
By Tony Kornheiser
Washington Post
Sunday, May 24, 1998; Page F01
Say it ain't so, Marion.
Say you're not leaving me.
I've lived in Washington since 1979. You're the only mayor I've ever
had. (Well, there was Sharon Pratt Kelly. But she only got elected because
you were, um, away. She was so unpopular that when she ran for reelection
she only got 13 percent of the primary vote. Forget the other party -- 87
percent of her own party didn't want her! People wrote in Pol Pot ahead of
her.)
I simply can't imagine Washington without you, Marion. It's like
imagining Paris without L'Arc de Triomphe. Or olestra without the nasty
leakage. Or daytime TV without one fat chick decking another fat chick on
"Jerry Springer."
You've been great for me, Marion. You've been bold, brash and bigger
than life. What would I have written about John Ray all these years --
that he recommends using shoe trees?
You stood for everything that's great about this city: sex, drugs and
room service. If you leave, what will I do for humorous political
material? (Oh, silly me. Bill "American Gigolo" Clinton is still the
president, right?) I almost cried when I saw you on TV, announcing you
weren't going to run again. I was awestruck when you said you were a
humble man, a man of God, a courageous man, a compassionate, sensitive,
sacrificing man, and an excellent mayor. But I guess if you hadn't said
that, who would?
Let's review the score card of your many years of public service:
First term: You were not busted for smoking crack.
Second term: You were not busted for smoking crack.
Third term: Oops.
Fourth term: So far, so good.
That's real progress. And yet what have they done to you, Marion? The
feds have stripped you of every meaningful responsibility. You can't even
make a long distance call without getting permission from Congress. And
then you have to dial 10321 first. You aren't a real mayor anymore. You're
strictly ceremonial now, like Mayor McCheese. You ought to wear a button
that says: "Welcome to Washington, D.C. Try our Filet o' Fish."
You have been a model for personal style, Marion. And a visionary. It is
only now being questioned whether President Clinton had a sexual liaison
in the Oval Office. It was alleged you had one in the visitors lounge in
prison years ago!
Your style was unapologetic.
When you were spotted at a strip bar on 14th Street, you said, "I'm a
night owl." If Gary Hart had said that, he might be president today. (Or a
forest ranger.)
When you were found frequenting the home of a fetching young model, you
said, "I'm visiting her son." Her 3-year-old son! Did you bring Lego?
When you were at the Super Bowl in L.A. in 1987 and it snowed 20 inches
here, paralyzing the city, you didn't rush home, you partied in sunny
California -- and claimed you were on top of the situation here because
you had "called home at halftime, and after the game."
When you won reelection in 1994 with, like, 0.00002 percent of the white
vote, you didn't reach out to heal the divisions -- you told white people
to "get over it." I tried. It was piled too high.
When you spent several hours at an "unscheduled stop," and it grew late,
and your security detail, fearing for your safety, went to fetch you, and
according to an internal police memo, you answered the door "partially
clothed," you said you were "visiting political supporters." What were you
doing, courting the nudist vote?
No wonder I voted for you every time. You put this city on the political
map.
Whenever I traveled to other cities, from Miami to Seattle, and told
anyone I lived in Washington, D.C., they'd hoot, "Your mayor is a
crack-head!" And I'd answer, proudly, "Yeah? But he photographs well from
the side." People are going to knock you, Mr. Mayor, but I won't. This
city has undergone a cultural renaissance while you have been in office.
Look at what you accomplished in your 16 years:
1. Property values haven't declined nearly as far as they have in
Sarajevo.
2. Much of the time, we could drink the tap water.
3. Often the potholes in our streets were not so deep that our cars
completely disappeared from view.
4. We became an arts center. "D.C. Cab," starring Mr. T, was filmed here.
5. No American city or foreign country dropped an A-bomb on us.
That's your legacy: "Marion Barry. He kept us out of war." I can't
fathom why the consortium of local universities -- which includes
Georgetown, George Washington, Maryland and American -- didn't offer you a
position teaching political science. Your course would have been packed to
the rafters.
I can see it in the catalogue now: "Poli. Sci. 'How to Get Away With
Just About Everything.' Instructor: Marion S. Barry Jr., former Mayor for
Life."
(c) Copyright 1998 The Washington Post Company
Date: Fri, 5 Jun 1998 09:46:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Employee Evaluation
Unique Job Evaluation -
LETTER TO VICE PRESIDENT:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
- Project Leader
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A SUBSEQUENT MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE ABOVE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to
you earlier today. Kindly read ONLY the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5,
etc...) for my true assessment of him. Regards.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Date: Mon, 8 Jun 1998 10:01:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Cat quotes
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph
Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." -
Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by
cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever be Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome
me." - Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Anonymous
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want." -Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic" - unknown woman
Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 09:42:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Pirate Fashion Page
...and yes, I KNOW this is full of stereotypes... but funny nonetheless.
For all you recreationist garb types out there...
This season will see freebooter fashion polarize once more at two
extremes. The dandies will be getting even more ostentatious & the
raggle-taggle salty seamen even more ruffty-tuffty.
For the painted popinjays amongst you (and let`s face it, the rest of
you can`t read), coat cuffs are getting bigger & even more elaborate, but
with most of the fancy embroidery shifting to the waistcoat; frock-coats
make up for this with plenty of braid & fancy buttons.
Shirts are in ecru (ivory is just _so_ five minutes ago!) and about as
baggy as before, again with more emphasis on the cuffs- at least three
lace flounces will depend from the sleeve of any real gentleman. As for
baldricks, they may be oh so convenient for carrying your sword, but they
are OUT OUT OUT as fashion statements go. Older seamen may continue
wearing them on formal occasions in which case they should be constructed
of sturdy leather, unornamented with frills, tassels & the like. Britches
will be cut to just above the knee & be fairly plain, as this season`s
long waistcoat will largely hide them.
For shoes, buckles rather than laces are still de rigeur, but bucket-top
boots are being seen as rather too Bob Newton. Plain black shoes, or even
"deck shoes" (for informal occasions) are preferable. If you must wear a
cravat, the only style is the steenkirk- anyone wearing a stock is just
going to get laughed overboard. For other accessories, walking-canes are
becoming popular, but in a pinch all a gentleman-adventurer needs to
complete any outfit are those perennial favourites, the sword, tankard &
brace of pistols.
The more scruffy, buccaneering kind of filibuster will be noted for his
deep tan, raggedy shirt, tatty britches, bare feet and great swathes of
cloth tied round every possible point.
Tricorns are a little smaller than last year, but as if to provide some
extravagant port in a storm of sobriety, will need much more feathers,
frilly edges and the like. Sashes this year are in a complementary pastel,
a little narrower than before to better show off the waistcoat, and worn
very tight to give the impression of a firm back & small belly.
Beards remain popular, though the hearty full beard of Teach`s day has
been dramatically slashed back to a neatly shaped goatee, tugged
rakehellishly whilst contemplating sheer villainy.
A round-up of world trends now, the Celts have all been wearing big rugs
woven from different coloured threads, while the Norsemen are trying to
persuade us all that helmets with horns on & fur trim are the essential
fashion item of the year. Tolkori pundits are predicting bigger hats &
greyer coats this year. Leather trousers remain an essential- just don`t
forget the saddle soap!
For the non-humans- halflings would look best with a musket-ball between
the eyes, whilst in the slow-moving fashion world of Elven haute couture,
a surprised, "quizzical" point to the ear is this century`s style
innovation. Doom-laden tangles remain essential.
A tip for the mightier-thewed sea-scum: try vertical striped britches to
get this year`s "lithe" look.
Next issue: Look out for our beauty column, as we ocean-test the leading
brands of pigtail tar.
Date: Wed, 10 Jun 1998 10:01:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: math through the years
A study in the teaching of math over the years:
Teaching Math in 1950s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970s: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set
"M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth
one dollar. The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points
than set What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990s: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There
are no wrong answers.
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 1998 09:39:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
9. Wet bonnet contest.
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
7. Buttermilk kegger.
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns."
4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers.
3. Sleep 'til 6 a.m.
2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite butt.
1. Churn butter nekkid.
Date: Fri, 12 Jun 1998 11:12:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Friday Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The beer, The bitter, The lager.
Date: Mon, 15 Jun 1998 10:18:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Heavenly Wrath on Gay Mice
EVANGELIST PREDICTS DISASTER FOR DISNEY, ORLANDO
Televangelist Pat Robertson is stepping up his attack on the Walt Disney
Co. Following last weekend's "gay days" at Walt Disney World and a
decision by the nearby city of Orlando to display red flags to support
sexual diversity, Robertson declared on his The 700 Club TV show, "The
Apostle Paul made it abundantly clear in the Book of Romans that the
acceptance of homosexuality is the last step in the decline of Gentile
civilization. ... I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of
some serious hurricanes and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in
God's face if I were you. ... A condition like this will bring about...
terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a
meteor."
Date: Tue, 16 Jun 1998 09:48:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: All Aboard
One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local
Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman
dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and
high heels.
As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but
found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the
required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind
her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries
again.
Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she
reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she
looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she
finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a
sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down.
To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.
Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist,
lifts her up, and places her on the bus.
The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are
to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"
Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you
unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."
Date: Wed, 17 Jun 1998 09:55:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Smart kids
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.
But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the
problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a
huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more
investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy
about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a
bucket at his feet, full of change.
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 10:18:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Redneck Medical Terms
The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms
Benign................................What you be after you be eight.
Artery............................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......................A neighborhood in Rome.
CATscan...............................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............................Made eye contact with her.
Colic................................ A sheep dog.
Coma..................................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................................Where Washington is.
Dilate............................... To live long.
Enema.................................Not a friend.
Fester................................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................................A small lie.
Genital................................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............................Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................................I knew it.
Outpatient............................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.............................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................................Dang near killed him.
Secretion.............................Hiding something.
Seizure...............................Roman emperor.
Tablet............................... A small table.
Terminal Illness......................Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.................................More than one.
Urine................................ Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............................Near by/close by.
Date: Fri, 19 Jun 1998 10:11:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Quotations from Chairman Barry
More on DC's wonderful ex-mayor to be... these are all quotes from
Marion Barry...
--------------
"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity
during this long period of increment weather."
"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low
crime rate."
"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what
can I say? I'm a night owl."
"Bitch set me up."
"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's
Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no
less."
"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law
of gravity is racist."
"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international
city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international
symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the
president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to
kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."
"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black,
were the ultimate sacrifice."
"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The
Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham
Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they
deem it necessary?"
"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the
water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then?
WOULD IT!?!"
"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent
man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
Date: Mon, 22 Jun 1998 10:03:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: 10 commandments of email
The Ten Commandments of E-mail
------------------------------
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of
the dawn.
And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto
others.
Date: Tue, 23 Jun 1998 10:04:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Chronicles of Computer Communications
I died laughing... especially the end... halleujah!
------------------------------------------
I've been corresponding with a friend recently who is an avid computer
user when it comes to basic wordprocessing, spreadsheets, and keeping
track of his investments, and of computer communications when it comes to
E-mail and web browsing, but otherwise could care less about it all as
long as the appliance works.
In short, he's a typical technology consumer and representative of 90%
of the ultimate customer base of the whole industry.
He recently expressed confusion when I tried to explain the difference
between directly dialing up a BBS and being On The Net and doing (what
appears to be) the same thing via "telnet". I thought of giving him some
historical background as a preface to a more complete explanation and I
was in smartass mode and it came out this way. I pass it along in case
anybody else finds it useful in offering explanations to other users.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
IN THE BEGINNING
1:1 There were computers that only had punch card readers and console
switches and this was Not Good.
1:2 And Inventors said "let there be a system console with a TV screen and
a keyboard" and it was a Great Improvement, the System Manager in his
Chair could Run the Damn Thing much better.
1:3 And the Users said "hey, we want that, too!" but it was Too Expensive,
and they got Marsland Teletypewriters at 110 bps connected to the Computer
by direct lines, and it was noisy and Barely Adequate.
1:4 So the Users did Whine, and in the Fullness of Time were provided with
TV screen terminals at 300 bps and the same Direct Line to the Main
Computer in the next room and they mercifully Shut Up for a few years.
2:1 And the Inventors said "Let There Be Modems so we can all program at
home and eat Junk Food" and they were a pain in the ass to get working but
they did work and it was Really Good.
2:2 And not much changed conceptually except that the 300 bps modems
improved 100-fold in speed in 20 years and all of that was Good, except
every change meant more Grief with the Setting Up of Them.
2:3 And the Concept that did not change was that the Direct Line to the
Big Computer was replaced by a direct line to the modem, which used the
Phone System (praise be to the System, In Whom We Trust!) to pretend there
was a direct line to the Computer Room, which had a modem of its own.
2:4 In the Early Years, home programmers bought their own TV terminals or
even Marsland Teletypewriters to connect their modems to - the same
equipment that had been in the room next door to the Great Computer. But
these were the same kind of Weenies who bought Home Computers 3 weeks
after they were invented.
3:1 The Early Years lasted Not Long - Home Computers happened around the
same time. They bought them and ran a program that said "Be a Terminal"
and used them as such with the Modem to Do Stuff on a Big Computer at work
or the U.
3:2 This did proceedeth, Very Naturally, to Bulletin Board Systems and the
pre-Internet computer networking era - all of it with Home Computers
pretending to be Dumb Terminals that merely gave the User a
keyboard-and-screen to the Main Computer that ran the Bulletin Board. And
one could pick a terminal emulator program; PC-TALK begat PROCOMM which
begat TELIX and their progeny did spread across the Land.
3:3 Meanwhile, the Internet was growing across the Land in the wilds of
Academia - it hit had a Different Idea, which was Very, Very, Good.
4:1 The Internet Idea said that being a Dumb Terminal to a Main Computer
was utterly Wrong - saith the Net, "All communications should be
Decentralized and Peer-to-Peer". And Lo, though this Idea ran contrary to
the organization of every Computer Centre in Western Civilization (and to
every social tradition of Eastern Civilization) it Worked Like A Damn and
made many things possible and it spread like a shock wave from the nuclear
explosions it was designed to survive.
4:2 And when the first Internet Service Providers sprung up, and one
connected to them with a modem, one was not talking To them, they had no
Main Computer like the BBS, one was talking Through them, for they were
like unto a phone switchboard; the User was On The Net, themselves.
4:3 And it meant that one could talk to any other computer on the Net,
Peer-to-Peer, not as a Dumb Terminal with a Direct Line to Only It, but as
Another Computer. Any program you ran on your computer could talk to
any other program on any other computer anywhere:
4:4 Browsers could talk to Web Servers;
4:5 Game programs could talk to Other Players, and all to the Game Server;
4:6 E-mail clients could talk to E-mail servers;
4:7 FTP programs could File Transfer to each other;
4:8 And Telnet programs could show you a terminal emulation window and
talk to a Main Computer, emulating the Direct Line of the Old Days, for
the Nostalgic.
5:1 And the Great Satan did attempt to supplant the Net by promoting the
Microsoft Network;
5:2 And he did write (or at least put his Name upon) a book called "The
Road Ahead" which spoke Confidently of the Next Twenty Years, and it
mentioned the Internet hardly At All;
5:3 And the People used the Internet in Great Masses and Hordes and
Droves, and the Microsoft Network in small Trickles, and Dribbles, and
Drabs, and it was Cast Down into the Lake that Burneth with Red Ink and
Bad Reviews (even in trade mags that did Kisseth Butt the rest of the
time).
5:4 And, oh man, that was so Good it almost Hurt.
5:5 And the Great Satan was forced to put out a Revised Edition of his
Book of Twenty-Year Predictions, only one year later, with "fully
one-third of the content revised!" on the cover as if that were something
to be Proud Of, this time with the Internet mentioned much More Often.
5:6 And he did shift his Plan of Attack to Monopolizing the providing of
Internet Browsing software, and the Battle against him was begun in the
Courts.
5:7 But in the Meantime, the Real Battle against him continued where it
Counted; in the Basements and Garages of the Inventive, who had Thought Up
The Net in the First Place, and its paradigm of Decentralization, that
messy, chaotic, uncontrollable concept which giveth Death unto High Profit
Margins, and imparteth Great Vigour unto Open Competition.
6:0 And the Inventive knew that All of This was still just The Beginning.
Date: Wed, 24 Jun 1998 09:48:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: interesting story...
-from one of my compatriot list owners...
-----
Okay, those of you on this list pretty much know of my great
appreciation for darwinism in action, and while this story isn't "funny"
per se, I thought it was kind of amusing.
This fellow on the darwin list I subscribe to was talking about
his aquarium...
-----
...the 70-gallon pond with a couple of large red-eared sliders
and some large koi and goldfish and some ruby red minnows. The goldfish
actually have an interesting history. They all started out as feeders
for the turtles with a very high rate of becoming dinner.
At the time, I had the turtles in a 29-gallon tank with a few large
objects inside so they could climb up. I would buy a dozen feeder comets
at a time and they would get eaten. One day, Darwinfish showed up in
my comet batch. He knew exactly where he could hide from the turtles
while remaining visible to them, driving them insane. For days he kept
this up. The turtles would occasionally swim past his hiding place and
try to catch him, and would always fail. At the time, I had no idea why
he hid in plain sight like that. I bought the next batch of comets.
Most were instantly eaten, but a few would spot Darwinfish in his safety
zone and hide with him.
I swear this next part is true.
When a turtle would swim past the hiding spot, Darwinfish would lunge
at one of the other feeders. It would dart away from him and into
reach of the turtles who would try to eat it. Usually the fish was
able to return to shelter because the turtles were taken by surprise,
but often that was the end of the fish.
Darwinfish killed at least 6 of the next 2 dozen feeders I bought
using this trick. There may have been more, but I personally witnessed
6 of these assassinations.
Darwinfish started to grow a little.
A few dozen feeders later, Darwinfish picked up a sidekick. I don't know
if this is because Darwinfish liked this sidekick or because the sidekick
didn't fall for the lunging trick, but the two of them continued to
evade the turtles and grew.
I still have them over a year later and they're now huge and
immune to the turtles.
Date: Thu, 25 Jun 1998 09:51:09 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: 45 Years
A married couple, together for 45 years, were sitting on the front porch
just watching the world go by. All of a sudden, without warning, the wife
smacks her husband, Stunned, he asks, "What the hell was that for?"
She replies, "That was for 45 years of bad sex!"
He thinks about this and rubs his head for a while. Then all of a sudden
he smacks his wife up side her head.
Stunned, she asks, "What the hell was that for?"
He replies, "That's for knowing the difference!."
Date: Fri, 26 Jun 1998 09:36:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: other Y2K problems
I just found the first (and creepiest) instance where the year 2000
crisis is not just a digital problem, but a very "analog" one, as well. It
seems that the burial industry (or whatever you call it) is faced with an
oversupply of headstones precarved with a "19" prefix. This is pretty out
of my league, but apparently it's common to preorder your tombstone,
specify an inscription, and then leave a space blank for the actual date.
Because it's cheaper to precarve (who knew?), people add the "19" prefix
and then leave the remaining part of the date for loved ones to fill in.
The companies responsible for holding onto these precarved tombstones
have started worrying that they'll have a lot of useless "19xx" grave
markers unless an awful lot of people, pardon the crassness, drop dead
over the next year and a half. One company is experimenting with a
cementlike paste to fill in the number "19" and has had results buffing
the stone to hide the error, while others are experimenting with brass
plates that fit over the "19."
I find this particularly fascinating from an archaeological viewpoint,
because centuries from now, archaeologists will wonder what the mystery
brass plate meant on some of our markers. Were we hiding dates? Did some
people in our culture die twice? Was brass plating a sign of nobility? Or
poverty? Anyway, you get the idea, and I've obviously had way too much
coffee, but I think this one helps us keep our perspective.
Of course, the truly dark and morbidly missing link in all of this is
the opportunity to buy them up wholesale and offer them up to the poor
data managers who can't face another day struggling with the digital year
2000 crisis (couldn't resist!).
Date: Mon, 29 Jun 1998 10:41:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: World Cup Guidelines for American Tourists
Well, you might have seen this before... but me miss a chance to cut on
the French? :) Not to mention the average American tourist abroad... :)
----------
World Cup Guidelines for American Tourists
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central
Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive
spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a
guide for American travelers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with
not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and
EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are
champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent
Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that
the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak
English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at
all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and
smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and
have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in
general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined;
and those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess
it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and
they kiss each other when they hand out medals.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball
caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised
that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the
French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage
of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and
stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as
before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee
to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is
now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments,
districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and
floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either
Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly.
Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the
South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence, the
President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not
available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And
nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just
a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are
excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at
leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they
are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade
launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and
cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its
361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,
16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph
as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days,
17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the
Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National
Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of Ste. Brigitte Bardot Day
(March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it
weren't inhabited by French people.
A Word of Warning
The consular services of the United States government are intended
solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as
McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you
are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of
a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and
5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is
supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified
dentists or something similarly useless.
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take
our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.
Thank you and good luck.
Date: Tue, 30 Jun 1998 09:40:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Talk about property settlement...
"He Sues His Wife To Get Her Breast Implants Back"...edited in The
Enquirer....Alan Cox is going to court for a bust - the jilted husband is
suing his estranged wife for the return of her breast implants!
"I spent months designing those breasts and dreaming about how they
would look," said Alan, 47, whose lingerie model wife Denise left him for
a younger man after Cox paid for her $9,000 implants. "Now I lie in bed
thinking about this creep groping them - MY property!"
Alan and Denise, 39, wed in 1990. But the Peterborugh, England, couple's
marriage began to wobble when she boosted her breast size from a flat 34A
to a generous 36C.
"After the operation all the men were after her, and she got too
friendly with some," said Alan. "Then one day she said she'd fallen in
love with Paul Amos. I went berserk when he sent a fax to her at our
house. I don't know if they were swinging from the chandeliers, but it
referred to "cries of ecstasy" and damage to the ceiling in Room 207 of
the Butterfly Hotel in Peterborough. She admitted everything and left me
for him."
After Denise moved in with Paul, 31, Alan sent a letter to Denise
through her attorney stating: "It was agreed if you ever left me you would
pay me the $9,000...Also I have the loss of use and enjoyment of fondling,
caressing them (her breasts) and all the other intimate things we did with
them together. I require either $9,000 plus $6,000 for loss of use of the
beautiful pair of breasts you flaunted so much to me or the return of the
implants within 7 days otherwise I will issue county court proceedings."
A stunned Denise declared: "I can't believe Alan is doing this. I've
left him and now Alan is trying to humiliate and embarrass me. I think
he's trying to force me to go home. But I'll never go back to him."
Alan admitted: "I know she'll never come back, so I just want my boobs
back. They've runied our marriage. If she had kept her small ones, we'd
still be together. Denise has got no money, so she'll have to return her
boobs. All I really want, and insist on, is for this man to stop fondling
my property, and I can't see any other solution."
Denise added: "Alan thinks he's being clever. But he is only entitled to
one of the implants because our property is to be split 50-50. So which
one does he want, the right or the left?"
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...