June 1999...
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 11:08:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: US Army Telephone Greeting
Thank you for calling the United States Army.
I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise
engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization,
the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As
soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug,
marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory
"Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call. Please speak
after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the
following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United
States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels,
and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs,
please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service
is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration
will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who
can provide additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of
gray flannel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please
write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that
Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a
first-come, first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment
Force.
If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be
routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note
that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford
the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account
at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at,
paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a
condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your *** off
daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night,
and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then
please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter
passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip-mall down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the
United States Army.
Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 11:20:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: a stiff drink
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital:
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really
take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.
I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and not a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off
to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says,
"I'm told you're giving Viagra to an 85-year-old on a daily basis.
Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a
cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of
bed."
Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 10:48:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Watch what you say
Mrs. Schmidlap is on her deathbed, and her husband is holding her hand
with tears streaming down his face.
She says, "Harry..."
He says, "Don't talk."
She says, "Harry, I have to talk. I have to confess."
Harry says, "It's all right. Everything's all right."
She says, "No, no. I want to die in peace. I have to confess that I've
been unfaithful to you."
He says, "Don't worry, I know all about it. Why else would I have
poisoned you?"
Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 10:46:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Signs
People who say and do stupid things should have to wear signs that just
say, "I'm stupid". That way You could just say, "Excuse me...oops, never
mind. I didn't see your sign." Before my wife and I moved from Texas to
California, our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in
our driveway. My friend came over and said, "Hey, You moving?" "Nope. We
just pack up our stuff once or twice a week. Just to see how many boxes
it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled
his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and an
idiot on the dock said, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked
'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there
was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that..
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you
to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they
bite you." "Well all right....hold my sign, I don't wanna lose it..."
Last time I was home I was driving around and had a flat tire, I pulled
my truck into one of these side-of-the-road gas stations, the attendant
walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go
flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. No I was driving around and
those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy came over to the
house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
house, he got out of the car, reached down and grabbed the exhaust pipe,
then says, "Darn that's hot!" See..... If he'd been wearing his sign, I
could have stopped him.
Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 11:44:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: religious commentary
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
AFTER CREATING HEAVEN AND EARTH, GOD CREATED ADAM AND EVE........
And the first thing he said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden
fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he
hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you!"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"Did So!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and
Eve should have children of their own.
Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.
However, there is a reassurance in this story. If you have
children, and have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and
they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for
you???
Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 14:27:04 -0600 (MDT)
Subject: New Windows NT Feature (fwd)
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer
revealed that the Redmond based company will allow computer resellers
and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death
(abbreviated BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows
operating system crashes.
The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer
surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were
asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?" A
surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of
Death". At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place
answer "Downloading Pornography" by an easy 12 points.
"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves,
our channel partners, and especially our customers." explained the
excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.
Immense video displays were used to show images of the new
customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static
version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes", allowing
them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen
of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into
the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product
information and entertainment to Windows users.
The Blue Screen of Death is by far the most recognized feature of the
Windows (tm) operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has
historically insisted on total control over its look-and-feel. This
recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of
the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By
default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of
Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft
channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to
customize the BSOD on systems they ship.
Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already
lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.
Balmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source
community.
"This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much
faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux
even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999 10:57:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Range Wars: The Cattle Menace
What if The Phantom Menace had come out 40 years ago? Here's what I
think *might* have happened...
-------------------
Range Wars: The Cattle Menace
5/26/99
Episode I - The Cattle Menace
A long time ago in the West...
-----
Turmoil has engulfed the Republic of Texas. The property rights of
frontier homesteaders are in dispute.
Hoping to capitalize on the matter by claiming vast reaches of rangeland
for their black angus cows, the greedy Trade Confederation cattle barons
have stopped all trade to and from the small West Texas town of Taboo.
While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain
of events, the Governor has secretly dispatched two Texas Rangers, the
guardians of peace, to settle the conflict...
-----
As action begins, Texas Ranger Kwai Chang Caine, and deputy Oki-John
Cannobean, plan to arrest the cattle barons. The barons try to kill the
Rangers, but they escape not with gunfire, but using their mystical Kung
Fu prowess. They hide atop rail cars full of the mercenary ne'er-do-well
group of brothers known as the Boyds.
Jumping off the rail cars before the train arrives in the verdant West
Texas town of Taboo, the rangers land on Har Har, a shamelessly
stereotypical Native American with a comical outlook on life. Har Har is
an outcast from the Meppets tribe.
Har Har reluctantly takes the Rangers to the chief of the Meppets, who
has an amusing speech impediment. The chief is wary of helping the Taboo
settlers, but offers horses to the Rangers and Har Har to get to Taboo.
The quickest way to Taboo from the Meppet settlement is through a dark
canyon known to be inhabited by grizzlies, wolverines, and wildcats. Our
heroes prevail by the skin of their teeth.
Meanwhile, telegraph communication has been cut off in Taboo, making the
townspeople nervous. Their fears are founded, as the train full of black
angus cattle and the feared Boyd Brothers arrives. In short order, the
Boyds deploy the cattle in the settlers' rangeland. The Trade
Confederation also orders the Boyds to kidnap Mayor Emily Dolly.
The scrappy Rangers free the Mayor. This group, along with Sheriff
Binaca and his men, steal the Trade Confederation's train. However, the
Boyds manage to puncture the boiler with their cannon (they have one).
The ingenious and dependable train engineer Arty Deter manages to coax the
disabled train into the wild mining outpost known as Tattoo Town.
Our heroes must find a new boiler for their train to get to Austin, the
capital, where they plan to plead their case before congress. They find a
trader known as Wattel in Tattoo Town who has a replacement boiler, but
Wattel has no use for the Rangers' Republic of Texas dollars.
Wattel's adorable apprentice Cantactikin Starbuck befriends the
justice-seekers. It turns out that Cantactikin's mother, Smi, is a wise
hooker with a heart of gold. She doesn't know exactly who Cantactikin's
father is. We learn that Cantactikin is a budding horse racer and a horse
race is set for the next day, sponsored by the unscrupulous Bobbie
Thewhat, who runs Tattoo Town. Cantactikin also introduces us to his
friend Cici Thrippio, a former French diplomat with an oddly Italian
sounding name.
Cantactikin has captured a wild stallion which he has thus far failed to
break. His mother agrees to let him race the stallion so the
out-of-towners can obtain the boiler their train needs. Kwai Chang bets
his train against Wattel's boiler and also bets the stallion against
Cantactikin's freedom from Wattel.
Young Cantactikin shows up at the race without the stallion. Kwai Chang
chides him, saying, "Use the Horse, dude." In an action-packed horse race
with really good sound effects, Cantactikin beats the perennial winner
Sepulveda, despite Sepulveda's treachery.
In a tearful scene, Cantactikin exchanges goodbyes with his mother. We
don't know what happens to the horse. With Wattel's boiler, the Rangers
repair the train. Just as they are leaving, a mysterious stranger
attempts to kill Kwai Chang using a similar, but evil, form of martial
arts. Kwai Chang jumps on the train just in time.
Finally arriving in Austin, Mayor Emily Dolly pleads the townspeople's
case. Sensing bureaucratic inertia, the Mayor suggests the governor be
impeached, based on counsel from the Mayor's ally, Senator Palpablymean.
The headstrong Mayor returns to Taboo to help the townspeople. Har Har
takes her to his chief, where the Mayor reveals that she has multiple
personalities. One of them asks the chief for help. The chief's heart is
softened by this plea, and agrees to help. They plan an attack.
While the Mayor, the Taboo lawmen, and the Rangers storm the Trade
Confederation's hideout, the Meppets battle the better-armed Boyds. The
Rangers run into the mysterious stranger and engage him. The stranger's
superior Happy Monkey form enables him to overcome Kwai Chang's Epileptic
Stork, and Kwai Chang is killed. Enraged, deputy Oki-John employs Playful
Weasel to vanquish the mysterious stranger.
Using their quaint weaponry, the Meppets hold their own against the
Boyds, but the Boyds finally capture them. Just as all hope is lost,
young Cantactikin accidentally captures the Boyd leader, and the Boyds
give up.
The Mayor's group captures the Trade Confederation cattle barons and
sends them and their cattle home with a stern warning. The leader of the
Rangers...um, Yoda, promotes Oki-John, but has misgivings about hiring
Cantactikin, since he has a chronic bed-wetting problem. Oki-John offers
to pay for plastic bedsheets.
Finally, the victorious parties celebrate in a very PC multicultural
event.
(c) 1999 Steve Anderson.
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 10:38:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: another blonde joke
Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in New York where, in the
Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the
mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a
lie ---*poof*------- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never
to be seen again. Soooooo....
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands
before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the
world."
*Poof* the mirror swallows her up.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says,"I think
I'm the sexiest woman alive". *Poof* the mirror swallows her.
Then, an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror
and says, "I think...". *Poof*
Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 10:28:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: "Top Tenne" lists
The Rialto gets weird...
----------
Poster: "Kimberly Mays"
To all good Gentles...
Jane's Top Tenne Elizabethan T-Shirt Slogans
1. Mine Other Palanquin is a Porsche
2. I'd Rather be Selfe-Flagellating
3. My Liege Wente To the Crusades and Alle I Got Was Thys Lousy Tunic
4. Lyfe is a Bitch, Then You Die In Slowe Pustulating Agonye
5. Plague Happenes
6. Save the Kraken
7. Toppe Tenne Reasons Whye Meade is Better Than Maidens
8. Tonyte We're Going to Partye Lyke it's 1499
9. I'm Wyth Leprous -->
10. I Want to Playe The Harpsichorde All Night, and Partye Ev'rye Day
Bonus Slogans From Ed Caffyn, The Filthy Leper
11. 30 Pounds, 30 Days, 30 Farthings. Requesteth of Me 'How'
12. Geoffrey Chaucer: The Comeback Toure
13.Lepers Do It Carefully
14. Harde Rocke Tavern, Olde London
Rose and Jane's Top Tenne Elizabethan Rap Songs
1. Busteth a Motion
2. Thou Art Forbidden to Toucheth This
3. Fie, Fie, a Medina Doth Chille So Funky
4. Melady Got Rumpus
5. Rocketh me Mercutio
6. Pusheth, Pusheth, In the Lowe-Lyeing Foliage
7. Whoomp, Yonder Object Lies
8. Good Sir, Passeth Hither thy Dutchie
9. Anon, I Becometh Jiggy
10. Thou Muste Endeavour Mightily to Protecte Thine Sov'reign Right to
"Party"
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1999 10:49:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: .sig of the week...
"If you put that NT CDROM in, and play it
backwards, you hear satanic lyrics." "That's
nothing...play it forward and it installs NT."
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999 11:51:05 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Ouch!
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before
he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the
stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.
With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to
lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist,
chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his
hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the funeral," she replied.
Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1999 11:36:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Today in Medieval History
"OK, we're sorry we burned her..."
-----------------
Subject: Today in Medieval History
On this day... In 1456 The 25 year old judgement of heresy against Jeanne
d'Arc was annulled.
Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 10:55:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: bathing kitty
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed.
That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular
belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide
(with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety
of odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to
the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember... your dog will try to eat
anything.)
Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a
sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.
So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is
not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles
and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack
of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and
the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is
suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower
curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before
hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need
to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you
can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,
nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish.
No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire... the cat
barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential.
In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the
shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While
the cat is still in a state of shock. Locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt
whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the
wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and
add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off
and he's madder than hell.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he
catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another
squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously.
No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure
into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the
process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will
realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next
attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By
this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently
affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in
full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and
hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is
most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the
towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure.
Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back
quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you
can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat
will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while
plotting revenge. But he does smell better?????
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 10:32:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: In The Computer Afterlife (fwd)
:In The Computer Afterlife
A variation on an old European joke:
In Heaven:
the chefs are French
the lovers are Italian
the police are English
the mechanics are German
the managers are Swiss
In Hell:
the chefs are English
the lovers are Swiss
the police are German
the mechanics are French
the managers are Italian
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 10:53:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Naming of Ships
"I NAME THIS SHIP........ "
Research, even into the most mundane subject, can sometimes bring
unexpected rewards. Recently, for reasons too dull to explain, I was
attempting to discover the names of battleships which served with the
Royal Navy during the Second World War. The reference librarian hopefully
provided me with a huge volume which listed the names of every British
warship ever built, and as I leafed through the index, I was impressed by
the quality of the names that the British have given their warships. HMS
RELENTLESS, HMS REPULSE, HMS RESOLUTION; fine names, names to gladden the
heart of every true Brit and dismay any foreigners with a grasp of
English. Names redolent of courage and firm-jawed determination - HMS
SCEPTRE, HMS SCIMITAR, HMS SEADOG, HMS SPANKER - HMS SPANKER? It had to
be a misprint, but when I looked at the relative page there it was, HMS
SPANKER, minesweeper.
I turned back to the index and soon discovered that HMS SPANKER was not
the only warship to bear a silly name. A quick check unearthed the
destroyers HMS FAIRY and HMS FROLIC, the light cruiser, HMS SAPPHO and the
corvette, HMS PANSY. My first assumption was that these names had been
chosen by some fresh faced innocent unaware of their connotations, but a
careful reading of the index suggested that the choice of such names was
deliberate and malicious.
I have no proof for my theory, but I strongly suspect that they were the
creations of an embittered clerk. He was a minor bureaucrat who had once
dreamed of becoming a naval hero, a second Nelson or Benbow, but had been
turned down for active service on the grounds of flat feet and myopia.
The Sea Lords, kindly and foolishly, gave him an office job in the
Admiralty. There, as he brooded upon the shattering of his ambitions, his
envy of the jolly Jack Tars serving in His Majesty's ships turned to
hatred and then into a desire to humiliate those who lived a life on the
ocean wave. His big break came when he got a job in the Ship's Names
Department and he set to work with a will.
Having started with HMS PANSY, HMS FAIRY and HMS SPANKER, he moved into
sexually suggestive names - HMS TEASER, HMS TICKLER, HMS TORRID, HMS
THRUSTER and HMS THRASHER. Not content with the damage to morale that
these names must have caused he followed up with HMS INCONSTANT, HMS
INSOLENT, HMS TRUANT, HMS DWARF and HMS DORIS. The man must have been
twisted, but he was no mean amateur psychologist. Would a hard-pressed
admiral be cheered by the news that HMS DORIS and HMS DWARF (a cruiser and
gunboat combination that sounds like an avant-garde cabaret act) were
steaming to his aid? Could he be certain that HMS TRUANT would turn up?
That HMS INCONSTANT wouldn't change sides, or that HMS INSOLENT wouldn't
reply to his signals with a stream of abuse?
This evil-minded functionary worked hard to destroy fighting spirit,
carefully calculating the result of call a ship HMS HAZARD. The cry,
"HAZARD to port!" must have disrupted countless naval exercises and I
strongly suspect that he tried to name a destroyer HMS MUTINY, thinking of
the chaos that would result from the signal "MUTINY in Portsmouth".
Someone spotted this and changed his proposed name from the English MUTINY
to the French MUTINE, hoping that the ship would stir up trouble on
courtesy visits to French ports.
If my theory is correct, that someone was Clerk No.2 he worked in the
same office as Clerk No.1, but his history and beliefs were very
different. He had been invalided out of the Navy after a distinguished
career and was a ferocious xenophobe who believed that the British had the
right to intimidate and bully anyone who stood in their way. His
existence is demonstrated by further study of the list of names. Most
people would consider names like HMS CONQUEROR, HMS TERROR and HMS
VENGEANCE adequate for the purpose of frightening Britain's enemies. Not
Clerk No.2. He thought them namby-pamby and decided to rectify the
situation. He wasn't as prolific as Clerk No.1, but he did his best
christening such vessels as HMS ARROGANT, HMS IMPERIALIST, HMS SAVAGE, HMS
SPITEFUL, HMS SURLY and HMS TYRANT.
His finest hour came when he got the job of thinking up names beginning
with V, he came up with HMS VANDAL, HMS VENOMOUS, HMS VINDICTIVE and HMS
VIOLENT. He too was a good psychologist - nobody who had dared to
challenge Britain could fail to be moved by the news that HMS SPITEFUL,
HMS VIOLENT and HMS VINDICTIVE were turning up to sort them out. In later
years, as he sat writing letters to the Eastbourne Gazette demanding the
introduction of public flogging for litter louts, he must have regretted
not calling a ship HMS VICIOUS. However, he probably consoled himself
with the thought that Clerk No.1 didn't get much of a look in on the V's.
He would have christened the ships VACUOUS, VILE, VERMINOUS and VENEREAL.
As it was he only managed HMS VANITY, which was presumably a sister ship
of HMS NARCISSUS.
Though Clerk No.2 no doubt deplored the behaviour of his colleague, he,
too, allowed the problems of day-to-day existence to intrude into his
work, though only after rows with his wife, hence HMS TERMAGANT, HMS
VIRAGO and HMS TIRADE. I don't know for how many years they worked in the
same office, but it must have been a fraught relationship. Each probably
spent most of his time trying to trump the names of the other. Clerk No.1
christened HMS PANSY, No.2 responded with HMS MANLY. Clerk No.1 - HMS
FAIRY, Clerk No.2 - HMS VIRILE. And so it went on until they retired and
the ships they had named were either sunk or scrapped.
Now our ships have boringly correct names, which is a pity, for names
could make a difference. A truly chauvinistic government would do well to
study the names dreamed up by Clerk No.2. If we can no longer terrify
opponents with the size of our navy, we could try to frighten them with
aggressive nomenclature. A good start would be to retrieve the name HMS
VIOLENT and call sister ships HMS PSYCHOPATHIC, HMS BLOOD CRAZED and HMS
CRIMINALLY INSANE. The Vandal class could include HMS RAM RAIDER, HMS
HEADCASE and HMS TERMINATOR. Of course, a more progressive government
might go for names which reflected the concerns of the Left - HMS BLACK
SECTIONS, HMS STOP CLAUSE 28, HMS UNILATERALIST and HMS BINDING DECISION
OF THE PARTY CONFERENCE. Perhaps not, the Daily Mail would have a field
day if HMS UNILATERALIST was ever sunk.
In any event, the name of the ship doesn't appear to have affected its
ability to fight, HMS TRUANT sank the KARLSRUHE, HMS WALLFLOWER and HMS
INCONSTANT accounted for several U-boats and I've do doubt that other
ships with ridiculous names had excellent war records. But it is hard not
to imagine the crew of HMS NARCISSUS leaning over the side to admire their
reflections in the water, or the crew of HMS SPANKER being accosted by
leather-clad masochists in dockside bars. The crews of such ships must
have been relieved when security considerations temporarily ended the
practice of having the ship's name emblazoned on the cap-band.
Even so, the change didn't come quickly enough for the unfortunate
University Naval Reserve Unit which, when the orders for mobilisation
came, was sent en masse to join a battleship. As they walked up the
gangway the regulars on deck burst into hysterical laughter. The full
name of the unit was the Cambridge University Naval Training Squadron,
which was, of course indicated by the initials on their caps.....Then
again, that part might just be an apocryphal story.
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1999 10:44:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Spirits of the Vasty Deep
Did I mention I can call spirits from the vasty deep? (I can, too!)
*RING* *RING*
Hello, you have reached the Spirits Central Office voice-mail system. To
be connected to the Earth and Fire Division, please press one now,
followed by a sacrifice of an eligible virgin. For the Darkness Division,
press two. For Potables, press three. For the Vasty Deeps Division, press
four ...
*BOOP*
You have reached the Vasty Deeps Department, Spirits Central. Your call
is very important to us. If you know your party's four-digit extension,
you may enter it at any time. If you wish to speak Souls Accounting,
please press one now, followed by the ritual incantation. If you have a
question about prices or availability, please press two. If you have a
complaint, please press eleven. If you wish to speak to a Spirit, please
stay on the line.
...
*CLICK*
...
We're sorry, all Spirits are busy assisting other customers. If you
wish to return to the main menu, please press one and burn a human heart.
If you wish to leave a message on the voice-mail system, please press two.
Otherwise, please stay on the line and the first available Spirit will
answer your call. Your call is very important to us!
...
We're sorry, all Spirits are still busy. You may press one at any time,
followed by the desecration of a minor religious icon, to be returned to
the main menu. Otherwise, please stay on the line. Your call is very
important to us!
...
We're sorry, all Spirits are still busy. Your call is number ... FIVE
MILLION ... THREE ... HUNDRED AND ...FORTY... THOUSAND ... TWENTY ...
FIVE. Please stay on the line while reciting "Leviticus" backward and your
call will be answered in the order it was received. Your call is very
important to us!
...
We're sorry, all Spirits are still busy. If you wish to remain on the
line, please remove your pants and perform a fandango widdershins about
your telephone. Thank you. Your call is very important to us!
...
Thank you for holding. Your call is number ... TWO. Your call will be
answered ... NEXT. Please have your soul's serial number and credit card
receipts handy. Thank you for holding. Your call is very important to
us!
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
...
*CLICK*
You have reached the Vasty Deeps Department, Spirits Central. Your call
is very important to us. If you know your party's four-digit extension,
you may enter it at any time. If you wish to speak Souls Accounting,
please press one now, followed by the ritual incantation. If you have a
question about prices or availability, please press two. If you have a
complaint, please press eleven. If you wish to speak to a Spirit, please
stay on the line.
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 06:59:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: archive: MacGyver cookie recipe
>From the archives...
-------------
The MacGyver Cookbook
Well, folks, here it is. I didn't have time to cook this stuff myself
for you the way Paul Newman does, so I just wrote up this cookbook to give
you all the recipes, tried and true just like I make 'em in my own kitchen
at home.
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES:
Frequent flier coupons
One medium paperclip
(not plastic coated)
One movie ticket stub
Now remember that chocolate-chip cookies are supposed to be a nice
relaxing kind of food, so the first thing you'll want to do to make them
is to go somewhere where you can kick back and relax. Ecuador is good, so
use your frequent-flier coupons to pick up a round-trip ticket there. The
stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of peanuts, but don't eat them,
since we're going to need those for the cookies.
You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches
archaeology at Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to Ecuador to try
to find her father--a biochemist by trade, but he dabbles in archaeology
as a hobby--who went down there to find the lost pyramid of
Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological circles as the fabled
storehouse of the god Valhequesal who, according to myth, rode down from
the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him a wealth of powerful but
somewhat failure-prone magical devices that, according to the priests of
the day, were pretty darn all-around nifty.
Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the god
Valhequesal, discovered that he is always shown wearing a curious bracelet
on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a digital watch, leading
him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did actually exist, but he was
really an advanced space traveller with comparatively poor taste in
accessories, and that the lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride must contain
his spacecraft and untold other devices from his world. About this time,
the stewardess will bring by the main meal and you'll want to be sure to
save the little packets of salt and butter that come with your meal--the
woman next to you will be too worried about her father to eat and so
you'll want to take her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her
crackers too.
When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of the
airport and try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some reason, so
you'll go inside to inquire about where transportation might be found and
some guy will stumble against you and when you look at him, you'll notice
that he's been stabbed in the left side and is bleeding pretty profusely.
With a weakly shaking hand, he'll thrust the key to a safety deposit box
into your hand, gasp something about "be careful of the poison ivy" and
expire messily on the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe
waiting for a cab is the better part of valor and head back outside--on
the way, though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a
half-pound of chocolate chips. The clerk will measure the appropriate
amount and put it in a bag for you. Be sure your movie ticket stub is
visible in the handful of change you pull from your pocket to pay her.
She'll reach down under the counter and then surreptitiously drop a roll
of microfilm into your bag along with the chocolate chips, then hand you
the bag, saying, "On the house."
At this point, speed is of the essence--get back outside the concourse
before a swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the snack shop holding
a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the clerk will run out the door
looking for you, just as the woman who sat next to you on the plane drives
up in her rental car and offers you a lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in
before the man with the mustache disconnects the safety on his gun. If all
goes well, you'll both be out of the parking lot and on your way before he
has time to squeeze off more than one shot--and he'll miss on the first
one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was just another
vehicle backfiring. She'll be kind enough to offer to let you stay in her
hotel room, but she'll need to stop off at the bank first to take care of
a little business. While she's talking with the bank representative, you
casually wander back to the safety deposit boxes and open the one that
matches the key. In it, you'll find a fair sized paper bag containing bags
of flour, sugar, baking soda and a large bottle of calamine lotion; take
this along with the folded piece of paper lining the bottom of the safety
deposit box. Go back to the lobby just as she's getting ready to leave.
Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold the
piece of paper--it's a map leading to somewhere deep in the Ecuadorian
jungle. Look more closely at it just as your companion notices the map,
gasps, nearly runs the car off the road, and exclaims "That's my father's
handwriting!" From this point on, it's pretty straightforward--just trek
through the jungle with her for a few days, evade the occasional drug lord
and that guy with the mustache, locate the hidden temple and descend down
a long pole into its depths, and locate the treasure room.
There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge rubies
for eyes, a golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on his head. Put the
butter from the plane into the bowl and stir until softened. Get the gold
cup to the left of the idol and add two cupfuls of sugar to the butter,
stir until creamed. And two eggs from the next, one swiss army knife
spoonful of baking soda and two-and-a-half cups of flour, being sure to
remove the large plastic bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of
flour first. Mix well, add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate
chips from the bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first,
and place by swiss army knife spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up
against the back of the idol.
Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to lick
the bowl, but in doing so will bump against the gold torch held in the
idol's right hand and there will be a low grinding sound as the stone
block that forms the doorway to the drug smugglers' lab slides out of the
way and you'll see her father chained to a lab table being forced to
refine drugs for the smugglers. While they're having a beautiful and happy
reunion, pick up a strange device from the outer room and bring it into
the lab where there's better light for a closer inspection. Be sure to
bring the cookie sheet too and set them next to each other on the lab
table. Your companion and her father will be trying to figure out how to
get him unchained while you note that the device in question is clearly of
extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to be some sort of highly
powerful laser cutting device--except that it shows signs of being
dropped, breaking the actuator wire and misaligning the front partial
mirror.
Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade
from your swiss army knife to realign the partial mirror to one quarter
wave and then unfold the paperclip, using it to reconnect the high-voltage
trigger to the laser firing mechanism. Have him stand back while you use
the high-powered laser to cut through the chain holding him to the table
and, incidentally, the wall on the other side of the room, alerting the
drug smugglers to your presence. They'll burst into the room and one will
fire a pistol at you, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it
permanently on and cracking the rear reflector, bathing the area--the
cookies in particular--with high-energy radiation. Now get chased around
the interior of the temple for a while and, just after the second brief
romantic moment where you kiss her and think "Gosh, for someone who's been
running around the Equadorian jungle for nearly a week, her hair's not
greasy at all" the cookies should be done.
Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that the
cooling system for the laser has failed and it's about to explode, and run
to the outer room where the three of you scale the pole with the bad guys
in hot pursuit. By the time you reach the top of the pole, the bad guys
will be halfway up it already, so uncap the bottle of calamine lotion and
pour it onto the pole, causing them to fall back into the temple as you
and your companions escape into the jungle depths just moments before the
entire secret temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling operation
along with all the extraterrestrial artifacts.
By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your companions
will have a few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of so much knowledge
so senselessly, as you take another cookie and notice that the metal sheet
you baked them on has etched onto it the plans for what appear to be some
sort of space drive.
Anyway, this is the best chocolate-chip cookie recipe I've ever tried -
I've made it dozens of times and haven't had a single bad batch yet.
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 06:45:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: quotable quote
"How could this [Y2K Bug] be a problem in a country where we have Intel
and Microsoft?"
Al Gore
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 06:48:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: kid thinking...
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White kidreport@topfive.com ]
June 21, 1999
-=+=-
Today's kid report comes from Sam Hepting of Santa Clara, CA...
My daughter had a few friends from church over one evening, and while
the adults were in the living room talking, the children were in the
bedroom playing. My granddaughter (about 4 years old at the time) came
out and asked her mother, "Is Bambi a boy or a girl?". My daughter told
her Bambi was a boy.
My granddaughter, holding her book open to show her mom, replied, "He
can't be a boy. He doesn't have any of those things on him." My daughter
immediately had horrible thoughts as to what her daughter was referring
to, and thought that maybe she should immediately discontinue baths with
her little brother. She was so embarrassed she couldn't come up with an
answer. Her husband, a deer hunter, put his hands up on his head with his
fingers out-stretched and wiggling, and said, "Do you mean these things?
Antlers?"
My granddaughter said, "Yeah."
Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 07:00:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: A Royal Wedding
WARNING: even I hesitated to send this one out... but I did anyway. :)
---------------------
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her
wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a
bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were
in agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could
think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they
heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the
occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was
tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the
other one.'
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My
God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 07:04:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Top 47 Oxymorons
47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate
And the Number One, top OXY-Moron?
01. Microsoft Works
Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 06:48:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Programming through aquisition
This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures
Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land
Operations/Simulation division.
They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators,
the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters
into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people
they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game
programmers.
Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like
trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos.
In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to
helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a
helicopter's position).
Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally
used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and
changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they've
gone to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots
have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they
buzz them, and watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod
appreciatively... then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and
launch about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter.
Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove *that* part
of the infantry coding... and Americans leave muttering comments about not
wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife...
As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided
kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first
place...
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 07:06:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: experts quit! (From The Onion)
This is from the Onion:
Nation's Experts Give Up
"From Now On, You're On Your Own," Say Experts
WASHINGTON, DC--Citing years of frustration over their advice being
misunderstood, misrepresented or simply ignored, America's foremost
experts in every field collectively tendered their resignation Monday.
"Despite all our efforts to advise this nation, America still throws out
its recyclables, keeps its guns in unlocked cabinets where children have
easy access, eats three times as much red meat as is recommended, watches
seven hours of TV per day, swims less than 10 minutes after eating, and
leaves halogen lights on while unattended," said Dr. Simon Peavy,
vice-president of the National Association of Experts. "Since you don't
seem to care about things you don't understand, screw you. We quit."
"My final piece of expert advice," Peavy added, "is that all of you
people should just go fuck yourselves."
Michael Leland, until recently a Department of Energy advisor
specializing in planetary energy-use infrastructures and a leading expert
in petrochemical and fossil-fuel depletion, maintained that the experts'
mass resignation is justified.
"Last year, I testified before Congress that at the current rate of
consumption, the planet's supply of coal, natural gas and oil would be
gone within 40 years, and they looked at me as if I was some sort of
crackpot," Leland said. "What's the point?"
"We'll say it one last time before we pack up and go: In 20 years, you'll
be up to your asses in old folks," a written statement from the National
Advisory Council On Aging read in part. "Since America has not yet begun
making preparations for the explosion in its senior population, we
recommend that you begin research on federally funded, hydroelectrically
powered 'eldercution camps,' where the teeming hordes of the aged can be
disposed of quickly and painlessly."
According to Peavy, despite the vast amounts of scientifically proven and
historically sound advice provided by the nation's experts, the National
Association of Experts could cite no instances of advice being followed in
the manner they had intended.
"Public reaction was favorable to the news that a glass of wine a day can
help prevent heart attacks," Peavy said. "Of course, most people figured
that eight glasses of wine a day must be better than one. And many
Americans reacted well to the news that eggs probably wouldn't kill them
outright. Aside from that, they've pretty much ignored every word we've
ever said concerning just about everything."
Because the experts' advice was barely followed, the mass resignation is
expected to have little impact on the lives of most Americans.
"Go ahead, America," Peavy said. "You don't need us. Watch all the
topsoil go down the Mississippi. Transport your children in baskets on top
of your SUV deathmobiles. Keep playing with your cute and cuddly pal, the
atom. Press your nose against the TV screen for even more educational 3rd
Rock From The Sun enjoyment. Use plentiful gasoline to burn book- readers
at the stake. Don't eat anything but sugared pork lard. Do whatever you
want."
Despite its negligible impact on the population at large, the sudden
dearth of experts is expected to be devastating for the American media,
particularly TV newsmagazines, which have come to heavily rely on experts
for their incisive, time-filling punditry.
"How in the world are we supposed to do a story on how the Internet is
changing the face of Christianity without Internet and Christianity
experts?" said Dateline NBC executive producer Russell Ross. "How can we
report on the stress-relieving impact of whale songs without top
psychotherapists and marine biologists to offer their perspective? Without
the insight of professors and best-selling authors, a TV special report
has no credibility. It may well mean the end of American telejournalism as
we know it."
According to FDA spokesperson Jonathan Landau, the exiting advisors will
be missed, but the nation must move forward.
"We, of course, are deeply saddened to lose America's most knowledgeable
individuals in every field," Landau said. "But at the same time, it's
important to recognize that their advice, however well-informed or
well-intentioned, was almost always impractical."
Landau said he plans to fill his own vacant advisory positions with
"positive-minded, people-friendly sexperts, advice columnists and
astrologers" as soon as funding can be arranged.
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...